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Thread: Boyfriendís Urges

  1. #1

    Boyfriendís Urges

    Iím sorry if this is the wrong forum to post on but this is a last resort. Itís currently 1:40 in the morning and I have no one to talk to, and Iím currently crying and unable to sleep because of this.
    My boyfriend revealed to me yesterday during a very late-night conversation that he has a ďrape/control fetish,Ē and that he had a fantasy of breaking into my house wearing all black and proceeding to hold me down and have sex with me while I struggled against him and told him no. In the moment I was a bit for it because Iím usually into that sort of thing, but today after some actual rational thought I realized how scary it was that he felt that way. He and I have been together for almost a year and he has never once given off that he was into this sort of thing even the slightest bit, heís always been very gentle. This is a complete turn and very scary for me, because although I know that he loves me, Iím afraid that heíll hurt me if his urges get the best of him. Heís currently with his family up in New England (he left this morning) with no service so I canít talk to him about this until he gets home. I really want to think that heíll understand but at the same time Iím afraid heíll get upset with me or want to leave, as in about a month heíll be leaving for school and we wonít be able to talk often, let alone see each other because of the intensity of the program that heís in. What should I do and how do I go about this? I donít want to hurt his feelings or make him feel weird for a liking to something that he canít control, and I donít want him to leave me, but also I donít really like the fact that heís thinking this way about me.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    He trusted you enough to share a sexual fantasy, thatís a good thing, your judgement, not so much...

    Just because he has a fetish about control does not mean heís a rapist or that he would actually hurt you.

    Communicate, be open, if youíre not into it, thatís ok! But please try not to personlize a very basic and common kink.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Just say no. It's that simple. There is nothing to discuss or negotiate. You are not a sex worker and are under no obligation to consent to anything you find distasteful, no less "scary". It's not your job to protect his feelings or be politically correct. It's not your job to make him feel ok about this. It's your job to say 'no thank you' and be honest with yourself and him. You do not have to say it's creepy or scary, just say "I'm not into this, we may be incompatible".

    You don't have to explain yourself. If his fetishes are an incompatibility, it's good to learn this before you get stuck deeper in this. Never acquiesce to objectionable sexual practices simply to hang on to some guy. He's leaving for college, that would be a great time to end it. Some sort term therapy may help you deal with insecurities and boundaries. Self respect means sticking to your values and saying no when those values are compromised.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Are you sure your reactions and emotions are not due to the realization that you and your boyfriend are not sexually compatible?

    I don't have a problem with couples role-playing or any sexual fetishes as long as those that participate are adults and willingly participants. I do have a problem with people not owning their bodies. If you don't want to do x and y to/with your significant other, you gotta have the courage to just say "no thanks. not my thing."

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  6. #5
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    He has his fantasies, which is completely okay, and if you are not into this, thatís okay too. You should not force yourself into something you donít like, it may turn out the two of you are sexually incompatible. Just be honest with him, and tell him you donít want to do this.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Wow, this guy went right from keeper to creeper! He should have kept his mouth shut about his creepy fantasy.

  8. #7
    Gold Member leseine7's Avatar
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    This one's pretty tough, in my opinion. I am of the mind that we all have sexual fantasies we would never act out in real life but maybe find exciting because of their taboo, and that we shouldn't be judged for those. On the flip side, any excitement around sexual violence (or violence in general) is worrisome to me.

    If I understand correctly, your SO is asking you to act out the fantasy he described, is that correct? Is there a reason you feel the need to answer him about it right now? I ask because you mentioned that he's in New England with no service and you sound somewhat anxious due to the fact that you'll have to "wait until he gets home" to talk about it. I'm not actually as concerned about the fantasy itself as I am about your fears about telling him you aren't comfortable with it. No matter what, if someone you are with is going to leave you or "be angry" because you tell them you're not comfortable with something, they are absolutely not right for you and you need to find a way to be FULLY okay with that.

    In regards to his fantasy, I have to say that while I do think people should be allowed to let their imaginations wander, I would be disturbed by my SO describing a repeated fantasy of violence. It is a fine line between harmless imagination and a compulsion to act on something like that, and I would likewise want to discuss that further with my partner to get a better understanding of how deep this runs and what the limits are.

    But I would urge you to consider your own hesitation to be honest about your feelings with him - that is the red flag for me here. Has he intimidated you in the past, or given you reason to think you cannot voice your own feelings around situations like this?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You will simply have to explain to him that, it's ok to have fantasies, BUT this one, there's no way you are going to participate in. end of.

    Me personally I couldn't be with someone who gets turned on by sexual violence.

  10. #9
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    Let him know your boundaries. Tell him that this alarmed you.
    But know that he felt comfortable enough to tell you this. And this is his fantasy...not necessarily reality.

  11. #10
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    Its okay to have the fantasy of sneaking into someone's house for an encounter and taking them by surprise to their delight, but to me, having the fantasy that i would be struggling to get away and trying to resist is no bueno. I would not talk to him while he is away about it. I would tell him "hey, i have been thinking...I am not okay with that and it scared me.."

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