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Boyfriend’s Urges


valdizon9

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I’m sorry if this is the wrong forum to post on but this is a last resort. It’s currently 1:40 in the morning and I have no one to talk to, and I’m currently crying and unable to sleep because of this.

My boyfriend revealed to me yesterday during a very late-night conversation that he has a “rape/control fetish,” and that he had a fantasy of breaking into my house wearing all black and proceeding to hold me down and have sex with me while I struggled against him and told him no. In the moment I was a bit for it because I’m usually into that sort of thing, but today after some actual rational thought I realized how scary it was that he felt that way. He and I have been together for almost a year and he has never once given off that he was into this sort of thing even the slightest bit, he’s always been very gentle. This is a complete turn and very scary for me, because although I know that he loves me, I’m afraid that he’ll hurt me if his urges get the best of him. He’s currently with his family up in New England (he left this morning) with no service so I can’t talk to him about this until he gets home. I really want to think that he’ll understand but at the same time I’m afraid he’ll get upset with me or want to leave, as in about a month he’ll be leaving for school and we won’t be able to talk often, let alone see each other because of the intensity of the program that he’s in. What should I do and how do I go about this? I don’t want to hurt his feelings or make him feel weird for a liking to something that he can’t control, and I don’t want him to leave me, but also I don’t really like the fact that he’s thinking this way about me.

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He trusted you enough to share a sexual fantasy, that’s a good thing, your judgement, not so much...

 

Just because he has a fetish about control does not mean he’s a rapist or that he would actually hurt you.

 

Communicate, be open, if you’re not into it, that’s ok! But please try not to personlize a very basic and common kink.

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Just say no. It's that simple. There is nothing to discuss or negotiate. You are not a sex worker and are under no obligation to consent to anything you find distasteful, no less "scary". It's not your job to protect his feelings or be politically correct. It's not your job to make him feel ok about this. It's your job to say 'no thank you' and be honest with yourself and him. You do not have to say it's creepy or scary, just say "I'm not into this, we may be incompatible".

 

You don't have to explain yourself. If his fetishes are an incompatibility, it's good to learn this before you get stuck deeper in this. Never acquiesce to objectionable sexual practices simply to hang on to some guy. He's leaving for college, that would be a great time to end it. Some sort term therapy may help you deal with insecurities and boundaries. Self respect means sticking to your values and saying no when those values are compromised.

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Are you sure your reactions and emotions are not due to the realization that you and your boyfriend are not sexually compatible?

 

I don't have a problem with couples role-playing or any sexual fetishes as long as those that participate are adults and willingly participants. I do have a problem with people not owning their bodies. If you don't want to do x and y to/with your significant other, you gotta have the courage to just say "no thanks. not my thing."

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He has his fantasies, which is completely okay, and if you are not into this, that’s okay too. You should not force yourself into something you don’t like, it may turn out the two of you are sexually incompatible. Just be honest with him, and tell him you don’t want to do this.

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This one's pretty tough, in my opinion. I am of the mind that we all have sexual fantasies we would never act out in real life but maybe find exciting because of their taboo, and that we shouldn't be judged for those. On the flip side, any excitement around sexual violence (or violence in general) is worrisome to me.

 

If I understand correctly, your SO is asking you to act out the fantasy he described, is that correct? Is there a reason you feel the need to answer him about it right now? I ask because you mentioned that he's in New England with no service and you sound somewhat anxious due to the fact that you'll have to "wait until he gets home" to talk about it. I'm not actually as concerned about the fantasy itself as I am about your fears about telling him you aren't comfortable with it. No matter what, if someone you are with is going to leave you or "be angry" because you tell them you're not comfortable with something, they are absolutely not right for you and you need to find a way to be FULLY okay with that.

 

In regards to his fantasy, I have to say that while I do think people should be allowed to let their imaginations wander, I would be disturbed by my SO describing a repeated fantasy of violence. It is a fine line between harmless imagination and a compulsion to act on something like that, and I would likewise want to discuss that further with my partner to get a better understanding of how deep this runs and what the limits are.

 

But I would urge you to consider your own hesitation to be honest about your feelings with him - that is the red flag for me here. Has he intimidated you in the past, or given you reason to think you cannot voice your own feelings around situations like this?

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Its okay to have the fantasy of sneaking into someone's house for an encounter and taking them by surprise to their delight, but to me, having the fantasy that i would be struggling to get away and trying to resist is no bueno. I would not talk to him while he is away about it. I would tell him "hey, i have been thinking...I am not okay with that and it scared me.."

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It would bother me if that was my bf. On the one hand, he could just be having an innocent fantasy and never meant anything by it, on the other, he really did mean it and could be a potential rapist, not just with his partner but in general.

 

Very tough as to figure out which one...yikes.

 

But for sure you are incompatible, with him leaving soon though, I'm not sure it matters much.

 

Say goodbye and let him slowly fade.

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If it’s a fantasy and you role play it should be fine . If it’s something you don’t want to role play and you say no and he does it anyway it becomes actual rape . Is he saying he wants to role play this ? Are you afraid because you think he would actually do this non consensually ? In domination and role playing it does need to be discussed beforehand and a code word for when one partner has had enough , some way to say no when no isn’t an option because during some role plays saying no and the other person ignoring the no is sort of part of the game or fantasy . That’s when a safe word comes into play . If you trust him to actually listen to and respect the safe word it can be ok . If his idea is to actually rape and ignore any safe words then HE isn’t safe at all . There has to be a line between reality and acting out a fantasy . Communication is the only way to figure out that line.

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You will simply have to explain to him that, it's ok to have fantasies, BUT this one, there's no way you are going to participate in. end of.

 

Me personally I couldn't be with someone who gets turned on by sexual violence.

 

Same. There are lots of things I am open to doing but acting out a rape fantasy is not one of them.

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This is actually a fairly common fantasy. I've met men and women who enjoy it and do so safely with understood stop words. I wouldn't crucify him for what turns him on, as long as he also respects your feelings on the matter.

 

I get off from the idea of being "taken" against my will. I've never done an extensive roleplay, but perhaps I will one day with a trusted partner. However, actual rape disgusts me and doesn't turn me on in the slightest. I have no good explanation for why this is the case.

 

Decide if his fantasy is a dealbreaker or not for you, but take a deep breath. It really isn't all you're making it out to be.

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"In the moment I was a bit for it because I’m usually into that sort of thing, but today after some actual rational thought"

 

I'm going to go a bit against the grain a bit here. It sounds like you were initially turned on, and then spent some time overthinking it, and worked yourself up into thinking it's something it's not. You don't need to decide anything right away. Keep exploring it on your own, and discuss it with him when you get the chance.

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This is actually a fairly common fantasy. I've met men and women who enjoy it and do so safely with understood stop words. I wouldn't crucify him for what turns him on, as long as he also respects your feelings on the matter.

 

I get off from the idea of being "taken" against my will. I've never done an extensive roleplay, but perhaps I will one day with a trusted partner. However, actual rape disgusts me and doesn't turn me on in the slightest. I have no good explanation for why this is the case.

 

Decide if his fantasy is a dealbreaker or not for you, but take a deep breath. It really isn't all you're making it out to be.

 

Man... SGH.... I was starting to think I was a sexual deviant, I’m reading the responses like, am I just friends with a bunch of freaks???

 

At its core it’s about control. Many women like rape fantasy because it turns them on to have that loss of control. Not because they want to be sexually violated by a stranger, there is a definite difference. Men who like control in the bedroom does not mean they are monsters, some of the most docile respectful loving men can have a control kink, part of being free with your partner is opening up about all that...

 

It’s ok if you are not into a certain kinks, choking is popular, for multiple reasons, I’m not into it, I verbalize that, doesn’t mean men who like to choke are future lakeshore stranglers, it’s the same with anything really. Liking something does not define you. Shaming someone after they opened up to you is a guaranteed way to get them to close that door forever.

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Taking control is one thing, choking her and taking her by surprise while having broken into her home is quite another.

 

he had a fantasy of breaking into my house wearing all black and proceeding to hold me down and have sex with me while I struggled against him and told him no
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Taking control is one thing, choking her and taking her by surprise while having broken into her home is quite another.

 

He isn't taking her by surprise though, hes telling her, in the safety of their relationship what he fantasizes about.

 

Her prerogative to not be comfortable with it, but judging him as a criminal, when he felt safe enough in their personal space to share a fantasy..if it were me. I'd be devastated.

 

People like to get peed on, there are people who like to get peed on, people who like to sniff dirty socks, thats their thing.

 

We are sexual beings, not all of our sex is missionary.

 

He committed no crime. Could it mean he could one day become one, sure! The kid from the suburbs getting bullied who has access to his parents firearms is a risk too, are we labeling all of them? As rational thinking adults, there has to be a line, we know nothing about this man, nothing, except he has a girlfriend with self esteem issues who from the sounds of it cracked the door open a bit on the control kink thing and when he pulled the door a bit wider, freaked her out, so now this man is being labelled a rapist by a bunch of strangers on the internet...

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He isn't taking her by surprise though, hes telling her, in the safety of their relationship what he fantasizes about.
and hence why she is afraid now. If he had left out the breaking in part when she is asleep in her bed, perhaps it wouldn't be so frightening to her.

 

Her prerogative to not be comfortable with it, but judging him as a criminal, when he felt safe enough in their personal space to share a fantasy..if it were me. I'd be devastated.
Where is it implied that she is judging him "as a criminal." If it were me, I'd be scared that he was actually going to do that and me not even aware that it was him. His need to feel 'safe' in confessing his fantasy does not, IMO over ride her need to feel safe from being scared chitless of him.

 

People like to get peed on, there are people who like to get peed on, people who like to sniff dirty socks, thats their thing.
I don't see your point. In any event, all of those things those people like to do are not frightening.

 

We are sexual beings, not all of our sex is missionary.
I think that goes without saying.

 

He committed no crime.
Not yet, anyway.

 

Could it mean he could one day become one, sure! The kid from the suburbs getting bullied who has access to his parents firearms is a risk too, are we labeling all of them?
Yes if all of "them" are committing crimes.

 

As rational thinking adults, there has to be a line, we know nothing about this man, nothing, except he has a girlfriend with self esteem issues who from the sounds of it cracked the door open a bit on the control kink thing and when he pulled the door a bit wider, freaked her out, so now this man is being labelled a rapist by a bunch of strangers on the internet...

Who labelled him a rapist? I didn't read anyone doing that. I shall go back and read again.

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and hence why she is afraid now. If he had left out the breaking in part when she is asleep in her bed, perhaps it wouldn't be so frightening to her.

 

Where is it implied that she is judging him "as a criminal." If it were me, I'd be scared that he was actually going to do that and me not even aware that it was him. His need to feel 'safe' in confessing his fantasy does not, IMO over ride her need to feel safe from being scared chitless of him.

 

I don't see your point. In any event, all of those things those people like to do are not frightening.

 

I think that goes without saying.

 

Not yet, anyway.

 

Yes if all of "them" are committing crimes.

 

 

Who labelled him a rapist? I didn't read anyone doing that. I shall go back and read again.

 

Please read the bold, the leap you took would be him committing a crime. Breaking into her home, without her knowledge would be a crime, just like you didnt read the word rape, which, go back its in the text multiple times, no where did she say her boyfriend intended to commit a crime and do this to a stranger or her without her knowledge.

 

Couples actually do this, act out rape fantasies, breaking in and everything, consensual, with safe words and all, if you dont get it, that is your right, judging those who choose to engage in consensual sex and again labeling them criminals is not ok.

 

The kid thats bullied and has access to firearms is no more a criminal than someone with control fantasies, its the act that makes them a criminal, not the judgment.

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Couples acting out rape fantasies is not an issue IMO. What is an issue in my opinion is the "sneaking into her home" to do it. It is after all part of what his fantasy would be. It wouldn't be a crime if she agreed to it and allowed it. Just like its not cheating if the spouse has given permission as in an open relationship.

 

She was up for it and then got thinking about it and it scared her. I won't comment further on what adults do, what their kink may be or any of that end of things. Its common knowledge that not all of us are satisfied with vanilla sex. So... I will wait to discuss further when Op comes back and clarifies why she changed her mind about things.

 

And yes, the word "rape" was used several times in this thread but I didn't read anywhere where is was used in the context that you re implying. Could you point it out to me where he was actually called a rapist? I did read where someone thought it could mean that he may progress his fantasy to actually raping though... that of course is just speculation.

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Couples acting out rape fantasies is not an issue IMO. What is an issue in my opinion is the "sneaking into her home" to do it. It is after all part of what his fantasy would be. It wouldn't be a crime if she agreed to it and allowed it. Just like its not cheating if the spouse has given permission as in an open relationship.

 

She was up for it and then got thinking about it and it scared her. I won't comment further on what adults do, what their kink may be or any of that end of things. Its common knowledge that not all of us are satisfied with vanilla sex. So... I will wait to discuss further when Op comes back and clarifies why she changed her mind about things.

 

And yes, the word "rape" was used several times in this thread but I didn't read anywhere where is was used in the context that you re implying. Could you point it out to me where he was actually called a rapist? I did read where someone thought it could mean that he may progress his fantasy to actually raping though... that of course is just speculation.

 

SOme people would like the idea of a BF or GF surprising them by letting themselves in quietly or climbing in a window (obviously talked about ahead of time) or pretending to pick eachother up as strangers in a bar, but would NOT want them to be screaming NO and the GF/BF refusing to stop having sex. To me, the actual rape part vs the coming into the house would worry me.

 

Either way TELL HIM that this is not cool!! That when you say "stop" it always means "stop"

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