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Thread: Boyfriendís Urges

  1. #21
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Taking control is one thing, choking her and taking her by surprise while having broken into her home is quite another.
    He isn't taking her by surprise though, hes telling her, in the safety of their relationship what he fantasizes about.

    Her prerogative to not be comfortable with it, but judging him as a criminal, when he felt safe enough in their personal space to share a fantasy..if it were me. I'd be devastated.

    People like to get peed on, there are people who like to get peed on, people who like to sniff dirty socks, thats their thing.

    We are sexual beings, not all of our sex is missionary.

    He committed no crime. Could it mean he could one day become one, sure! The kid from the suburbs getting bullied who has access to his parents firearms is a risk too, are we labeling all of them? As rational thinking adults, there has to be a line, we know nothing about this man, nothing, except he has a girlfriend with self esteem issues who from the sounds of it cracked the door open a bit on the control kink thing and when he pulled the door a bit wider, freaked her out, so now this man is being labelled a rapist by a bunch of strangers on the internet...

  2. #22
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    He isn't taking her by surprise though, hes telling her, in the safety of their relationship what he fantasizes about.
    and hence why she is afraid now. If he had left out the breaking in part when she is asleep in her bed, perhaps it wouldn't be so frightening to her.

    Her prerogative to not be comfortable with it, but judging him as a criminal, when he felt safe enough in their personal space to share a fantasy..if it were me. I'd be devastated.
    Where is it implied that she is judging him "as a criminal." If it were me, I'd be scared that he was actually going to do that and me not even aware that it was him. His need to feel 'safe' in confessing his fantasy does not, IMO over ride her need to feel safe from being scared chitless of him.

    People like to get peed on, there are people who like to get peed on, people who like to sniff dirty socks, thats their thing.
    I don't see your point. In any event, all of those things those people like to do are not frightening.

    We are sexual beings, not all of our sex is missionary.
    I think that goes without saying.

    He committed no crime.
    Not yet, anyway.

    Could it mean he could one day become one, sure! The kid from the suburbs getting bullied who has access to his parents firearms is a risk too, are we labeling all of them?
    Yes if all of "them" are committing crimes.

    As rational thinking adults, there has to be a line, we know nothing about this man, nothing, except he has a girlfriend with self esteem issues who from the sounds of it cracked the door open a bit on the control kink thing and when he pulled the door a bit wider, freaked her out, so now this man is being labelled a rapist by a bunch of strangers on the internet...
    Who labelled him a rapist? I didn't read anyone doing that. I shall go back and read again.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    and hence why she is afraid now. If he had left out the breaking in part when she is asleep in her bed, perhaps it wouldn't be so frightening to her.

    Where is it implied that she is judging him "as a criminal." If it were me, I'd be scared that he was actually going to do that and me not even aware that it was him. His need to feel 'safe' in confessing his fantasy does not, IMO over ride her need to feel safe from being scared chitless of him.

    I don't see your point. In any event, all of those things those people like to do are not frightening.

    I think that goes without saying.

    Not yet, anyway.

    Yes if all of "them" are committing crimes.


    Who labelled him a rapist? I didn't read anyone doing that. I shall go back and read again.
    Please read the bold, the leap you took would be him committing a crime. Breaking into her home, without her knowledge would be a crime, just like you didnt read the word rape, which, go back its in the text multiple times, no where did she say her boyfriend intended to commit a crime and do this to a stranger or her without her knowledge.

    Couples actually do this, act out rape fantasies, breaking in and everything, consensual, with safe words and all, if you dont get it, that is your right, judging those who choose to engage in consensual sex and again labeling them criminals is not ok.

    The kid thats bullied and has access to firearms is no more a criminal than someone with control fantasies, its the act that makes them a criminal, not the judgment.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Couples acting out rape fantasies is not an issue IMO. What is an issue in my opinion is the "sneaking into her home" to do it. It is after all part of what his fantasy would be. It wouldn't be a crime if she agreed to it and allowed it. Just like its not cheating if the spouse has given permission as in an open relationship.

    She was up for it and then got thinking about it and it scared her. I won't comment further on what adults do, what their kink may be or any of that end of things. Its common knowledge that not all of us are satisfied with vanilla sex. So... I will wait to discuss further when Op comes back and clarifies why she changed her mind about things.

    And yes, the word "rape" was used several times in this thread but I didn't read anywhere where is was used in the context that you re implying. Could you point it out to me where he was actually called a rapist? I did read where someone thought it could mean that he may progress his fantasy to actually raping though... that of course is just speculation.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Couples acting out rape fantasies is not an issue IMO. What is an issue in my opinion is the "sneaking into her home" to do it. It is after all part of what his fantasy would be. It wouldn't be a crime if she agreed to it and allowed it. Just like its not cheating if the spouse has given permission as in an open relationship.

    She was up for it and then got thinking about it and it scared her. I won't comment further on what adults do, what their kink may be or any of that end of things. Its common knowledge that not all of us are satisfied with vanilla sex. So... I will wait to discuss further when Op comes back and clarifies why she changed her mind about things.

    And yes, the word "rape" was used several times in this thread but I didn't read anywhere where is was used in the context that you re implying. Could you point it out to me where he was actually called a rapist? I did read where someone thought it could mean that he may progress his fantasy to actually raping though... that of course is just speculation.
    SOme people would like the idea of a BF or GF surprising them by letting themselves in quietly or climbing in a window (obviously talked about ahead of time) or pretending to pick eachother up as strangers in a bar, but would NOT want them to be screaming NO and the GF/BF refusing to stop having sex. To me, the actual rape part vs the coming into the house would worry me.

    Either way TELL HIM that this is not cool!! That when you say "stop" it always means "stop"

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    He isn't taking her by surprise though, hes telling her, in the safety of their relationship what he fantasizes about.

    Her prerogative to not be comfortable with it, but judging him as a criminal, when he felt safe enough in their personal space to share a fantasy..if it were me. I'd be devastated.

    People like to get peed on, there are people who like to get peed on, people who like to sniff dirty socks, thats their thing.

    We are sexual beings, not all of our sex is missionary.

    He committed no crime.
    I agree with this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him sharing a fantasy.

    What I am confused about is why the OP assumed that him sharing a fantasy automatically translated to him wanting to act it out!

    OP, did he tell you he wanted to act it out, and asked you if you were up for it?

    Or, was he simply sharing a fantasy?

    Good lordy, you would not believe some of the fantasies my bf and I have shared. After discussing further, some we've acted out out of curiosity, but others not and kept them as fantasies!

    Fantasies are healthy, I agree with FIO he has done nothing wrong, bad or deviant by simply sharing it with you.

    Originally Posted by valdizon9
    My boyfriend revealed to me yesterday during a very late-night conversation that he has a ďrape/control fetish,Ē and that he had a fantasy of breaking into my house wearing all black and proceeding to hold me down and have sex with me while I struggled against him and told him no.
    Why do you feel you have to tell him anything? Yes or no?

    Unless he told you he wanted to act it out, there is nothing to agree to or be afraid of; he was simply sharing a fantasy, which imo is quite tame (and fairly common) compared to some of the fantasies my bf and I have shared.

    Not acted out, just shared.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-05-2019 at 06:32 PM.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken

    ...pretending to pick each other up as strangers in a bar
    LOL, my bf and I do this a lot, it's really fun! My ex and I did too.

    I was the one who proposed it, it's hardly a fantasy though.

    Just something playful to do to keep the element of fun in our relationship.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-05-2019 at 07:13 PM.

  9. #28
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    And to add.

    If you trust your boyfriend, I don't see any reason why you should be afraid he is going to sneak into your home one night without your knowledge and act out this fantasy. That is such an over-reaction in my opinion. It was a fantasy!

    On the other hand, if you don't trust him, and are truly fearful of this happening, then that's another issue altogether, and if that's the case, perhaps you should re-think the relationship in general.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Just to chime in, I think many fantasies that couples talk about, are normal. Such as pretending to be strangers and pick one another up in a bar.

    Rape fantasies are not the norm, and OP has a right to be concerned, it could spell out something more than just a fantasy. It might not, however it definitely is something to think about and watch out for.

    What if he did turn out to be a rapist? What if he was actually dangerous or had dangerous urges?

    These are things to question. I think anyone who was cautious, would.

  11. 07-06-2019, 02:36 AM

  12. 07-06-2019, 02:37 AM

  13. #30
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    I have a question for y'all.

    What if a man were here posting about his gf telling him she had this fantasy -- about him breaking into her home, restraining her, and raping her.

    I don't have that particular fantasy, but many women do! Far more than you might think. Every day "normal" women with good jobs, good friends and family.

    In fact, rape fantasies are one of the more common fantasies women have and quite harmess, unless of course acted out, without both parties' consent.

    Would you advise the boyfriiend to be wary, be cautious, she's damaged and to break up with her?

    Just curious.

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