Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 20

Thread: Grass is Greener Syndrome

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2018
    Location
    Gatineau, Quebec, Canada
    Posts
    5
    Gender
    Male

    Grass is Greener Syndrome

    Am I the only one who thinks that just about every breakup is due to GIGS? Sure, some may leave because of abuse, etc but I would think that most people leave because they feel that they can do better. That gives me some hope that my breakup will turn around once she realizes that not everything is better out there.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,397
    Gender
    Male
    I can't quite agree with this.

    If I had to make some sweeping generalization about why most people breakup it's because they stopped being compatible. Maybe they were always kind of incompatible, forced it for a good while, and one person got weighed down by the mask, tired of swimming against the current. Or maybe it's because both people grew and changed into a different shape, and the two people don't fit together so well. There's often some forcing there too—the tense talks, the lack of intimacy, the feeling of being drained more than filled up.

    That said, among younger people, those under 30? I think plenty feel torn between being in a relationship and being "free." I certainly did. I put free in quotes—because, yeah, people being people it tends to mean wanting to sample some different cuisine from the buffet more than it means wanting to be a lone, celibate wolf practicing Zen Buddhism in a cave. And, more often than not, you do realize that all those options aren't quite as satisfying as a single, delicious, reliable meal. But rarely, I'm sorry to say, does that lead people back to the last good meal. And when it does happen? It's rarely for the healthiest reasons.

    I'm sorry you're hurting, buddy. Whatever's going on with her, this is the time to focus on you. Part of the grieving process is often longing to get back together and concocting stories about how that might happen, but don't indulge all that too much. That drills you further into a hole. If she comes back around, and if you're down for that—well, cool. Deal with that when it comes, but don't spend this moment dreaming of that and that only. There's a big world out there. Stay in it. Forward steps. You may find the grass you think is so green right now isn't quite as green as you think.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,079
    Originally Posted by MarcDebbie
    Am I the only one who thinks that just about every breakup is due to GIGS? Sure, some may leave because of abuse, etc but I would think that most people leave because they feel that they can do better. That gives me some hope that my breakup will turn around once she realizes that not everything is better out there.
    Yeah I'm sorry you are hurting. Even your internal logic doesn't make sense. If every breakup is GIGS... then her next breakup will also be because of GIGS. So following your thread, she goes: "Hmm, person A is not good enough, maybe there is better". Then she finds person B. Eventually she goes "Hmm, person B is not good enough, maybe there is better." Sorry to say, but if it's GIGS, she's not going to come back to you and go "well actually you were the best I found."

    But for you, the breakup can be gigs... because the grass of someone who cares about you enough to stay is definitely greener than being left in the dust. Keep working through the loss, there are greener pastures ahead.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    287
    I feel that we have this ardent need to justify why someone broke up with us, so we claim it's due to GIGS. I've done it. It's understandable as we crave some form of explanation. As for the real reason it happened: perhaps the timing wasn't right, they made unsuitable partners, ultimately they had different life goals, etc.

    Keep moving forward and remember that the only "short-cut" to healing is time. I wish you all the best!

  5.  

  6. #5
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    591
    I'll go against the grain here. I believe in GIGS because it's true if you know how to choose the right one. There is definite hope if you're extremely picky, choosy and never settling for less.

    I hail from a miserable background and I vowed never to repeat my mother's mistake. Yes, it's true about GIGS if you play your cards right.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    591
    I'm sorry for your pain and breakup. It was not all in vain. Wisdom was gained. You became wiser. Hang in there.

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2018
    Location
    Gatineau, Quebec, Canada
    Posts
    5
    Gender
    Male
    I think that I've been somewhat misunderstood. What I'm trying to say is that I think that most breakups are a result of the dumper thinking that they can do better than what they've got now. They feel that what's going on now in the relationship isn't great and they could do better. Does that make more sense?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    49,740
    Maybe in the most general sense but for example a close friend ended things with her long term boyfriend because he wanted to marry her or at least live together then marry and she realized she didn’t want to marry again or be in an LTR. They ended things about 4 years ago. She chatted with a few guys on line briefly and declined my offer to st her up with people.
    For me it wasn’t “better” but finding someone compatible where it felt like the right match. My husband isn’t “better” than my ex - in fact they have a lot in common on several levels. I hold my ex in high esteem and I have for many years. And he wasn’t right for me. So no it wasn’t some sort of “upgrade” and my husband is better for me and I felt the chemistry and “click” that just wasn’t tried to that extent with my ex as much as I wanted it to be. We dated for 7 years on and off.
    Yes. I did the “better” at certain times and in at least a few cases when better was for superficial reasons mostly it was a mistake. This was far more in my teens and early twenties. That whole candy store mentality. Not proud of it.

    I think people who view who they’re dating as arm candy or a reflection of their “status” are more likely to have GIGS. But what do I know.

  10. #9
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    591
    Yes, it makes more sense. In this case, I would say yes, there is the GIGS if your relationship doesn't feel right. Is it toxic, dysfunctional, abnormal, does it lack respect, integrity, honor, humility, selflessness and all virtues we hold dear? If there are valid reasons for dissolving the relationship due to incompatibility, I believe in GIG on the other side.

    People always wish for better, optimal relationships.

    When people have very high standards, they value high quality characteristic traits and want it in their partner. If their partner doesn't check all the boxes when it comes to character, some people shop around until they find a person worth keeping.

    It works both ways though and not just for the dumper. The one who was dumped needs to figure out what caused them to be dumped. It runs the gamut of reasons. Sometimes it is not the dumped person's fault and vice versa. There are so many, many reasons.

    OP, you're vague. What is your context? Without knowing your circumstances it's a loaded question to ask about GIGS because it's not so generic for all situations in all relationships. There is no blanket answer.

  11. #10
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    287
    Originally Posted by MarcDebbie
    I think that I've been somewhat misunderstood. What I'm trying to say is that I think that most breakups are a result of the dumper thinking that they can do better than what they've got now. They feel that what's going on now in the relationship isn't great and they could do better. Does that make more sense?
    Define "better". If someone breaks up with you, that doesn't mean that you aren't good enough. It simply means that you are not what they are looking for at this moment in time. This truth stings. But the good news is that you are then free to pursue someone who wants to be with you simply because, well, you are you.

    And you, MarcDebbie, are awesome - irrespective of whether someone decides to be with you or not.

    So no, in my view, whilst GIGS can happen, often times "they broke up with us due to GIGS" is just something we tell ourselves to justify why they left us.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •