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Grass is Greener Syndrome


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Am I the only one who thinks that just about every breakup is due to GIGS? Sure, some may leave because of abuse, etc but I would think that most people leave because they feel that they can do better. That gives me some hope that my breakup will turn around once she realizes that not everything is better out there.

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I can't quite agree with this.

 

If I had to make some sweeping generalization about why most people breakup it's because they stopped being compatible. Maybe they were always kind of incompatible, forced it for a good while, and one person got weighed down by the mask, tired of swimming against the current. Or maybe it's because both people grew and changed into a different shape, and the two people don't fit together so well. There's often some forcing there too—the tense talks, the lack of intimacy, the feeling of being drained more than filled up.

 

That said, among younger people, those under 30? I think plenty feel torn between being in a relationship and being "free." I certainly did. I put free in quotes—because, yeah, people being people it tends to mean wanting to sample some different cuisine from the buffet more than it means wanting to be a lone, celibate wolf practicing Zen Buddhism in a cave. And, more often than not, you do realize that all those options aren't quite as satisfying as a single, delicious, reliable meal. But rarely, I'm sorry to say, does that lead people back to the last good meal. And when it does happen? It's rarely for the healthiest reasons.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, buddy. Whatever's going on with her, this is the time to focus on you. Part of the grieving process is often longing to get back together and concocting stories about how that might happen, but don't indulge all that too much. That drills you further into a hole. If she comes back around, and if you're down for that—well, cool. Deal with that when it comes, but don't spend this moment dreaming of that and that only. There's a big world out there. Stay in it. Forward steps. You may find the grass you think is so green right now isn't quite as green as you think.

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Am I the only one who thinks that just about every breakup is due to GIGS? Sure, some may leave because of abuse, etc but I would think that most people leave because they feel that they can do better. That gives me some hope that my breakup will turn around once she realizes that not everything is better out there.

 

Yeah I'm sorry you are hurting. Even your internal logic doesn't make sense. If every breakup is GIGS... then her next breakup will also be because of GIGS. So following your thread, she goes: "Hmm, person A is not good enough, maybe there is better". Then she finds person B. Eventually she goes "Hmm, person B is not good enough, maybe there is better." Sorry to say, but if it's GIGS, she's not going to come back to you and go "well actually you were the best I found."

 

But for you, the breakup can be gigs... because the grass of someone who cares about you enough to stay is definitely greener than being left in the dust. Keep working through the loss, there are greener pastures ahead.

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I feel that we have this ardent need to justify why someone broke up with us, so we claim it's due to GIGS. I've done it. It's understandable as we crave some form of explanation. As for the real reason it happened: perhaps the timing wasn't right, they made unsuitable partners, ultimately they had different life goals, etc.

 

Keep moving forward and remember that the only "short-cut" to healing is time. I wish you all the best!

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I'll go against the grain here. I believe in GIGS because it's true if you know how to choose the right one. There is definite hope if you're extremely picky, choosy and never settling for less.

 

I hail from a miserable background and I vowed never to repeat my mother's mistake. Yes, it's true about GIGS if you play your cards right.

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I think that I've been somewhat misunderstood. What I'm trying to say is that I think that most breakups are a result of the dumper thinking that they can do better than what they've got now. They feel that what's going on now in the relationship isn't great and they could do better. Does that make more sense?

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Maybe in the most general sense but for example a close friend ended things with her long term boyfriend because he wanted to marry her or at least live together then marry and she realized she didn’t want to marry again or be in an LTR. They ended things about 4 years ago. She chatted with a few guys on line briefly and declined my offer to st her up with people.

For me it wasn’t “better” but finding someone compatible where it felt like the right match. My husband isn’t “better” than my ex - in fact they have a lot in common on several levels. I hold my ex in high esteem and I have for many years. And he wasn’t right for me. So no it wasn’t some sort of “upgrade” and my husband is better for me and I felt the chemistry and “click” that just wasn’t tried to that extent with my ex as much as I wanted it to be. We dated for 7 years on and off.

Yes. I did the “better” at certain times and in at least a few cases when better was for superficial reasons mostly it was a mistake. This was far more in my teens and early twenties. That whole candy store mentality. Not proud of it.

 

I think people who view who they’re dating as arm candy or a reflection of their “status” are more likely to have GIGS. But what do I know.

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Yes, it makes more sense. In this case, I would say yes, there is the GIGS if your relationship doesn't feel right. Is it toxic, dysfunctional, abnormal, does it lack respect, integrity, honor, humility, selflessness and all virtues we hold dear? If there are valid reasons for dissolving the relationship due to incompatibility, I believe in GIG on the other side.

 

People always wish for better, optimal relationships.

 

When people have very high standards, they value high quality characteristic traits and want it in their partner. If their partner doesn't check all the boxes when it comes to character, some people shop around until they find a person worth keeping.

 

It works both ways though and not just for the dumper. The one who was dumped needs to figure out what caused them to be dumped. It runs the gamut of reasons. Sometimes it is not the dumped person's fault and vice versa. There are so many, many reasons.

 

OP, you're vague. What is your context? Without knowing your circumstances it's a loaded question to ask about GIGS because it's not so generic for all situations in all relationships. There is no blanket answer.

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I think that I've been somewhat misunderstood. What I'm trying to say is that I think that most breakups are a result of the dumper thinking that they can do better than what they've got now. They feel that what's going on now in the relationship isn't great and they could do better. Does that make more sense?

 

Define "better". If someone breaks up with you, that doesn't mean that you aren't good enough. It simply means that you are not what they are looking for at this moment in time. This truth stings. But the good news is that you are then free to pursue someone who wants to be with you simply because, well, you are you.

 

And you, MarcDebbie, are awesome - irrespective of whether someone decides to be with you or not.

 

So no, in my view, whilst GIGS can happen, often times "they broke up with us due to GIGS" is just something we tell ourselves to justify why they left us.

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Sorry to hear this. When did you break up? What was the breakup about? A great deal of breakups are due to incompatibility and dissatisfaction in the relationship itself. Trying to rationalize this and hoping she left out of sheer curiosity and there was nothing wrong is sort of wishful thinking.

 

If they think they can "do better" it also means they were not happy and the relationship was so bad that anything seems "better". So either way GIGS is just as bad as simply leaving because the bottom line is that same. It's over because they weren't satisfied/happy.

I would think that most people leave because they feel that they can do better.
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So no, in my view, whilst GIGS can happen, often times "they broke up with us due to GIGS" is just something we tell ourselves to justify why they left us.

 

Bingo.

 

I frequently see "GIGS" being mentioned as if it truly were some illness that can be caught, and thus, treated and cured. It's framed in a such a way that gives the broken-hearted false hope, clinging to the notion that as long as they were good to their ex, their ex will return once they find out the grass on the other side of the fence is a bit dry and brown.

 

But very often, the grass is greener. That's not to say that the next partner is always some stellar human, but that the ex is happier not being in a relationship that was no longer what they wanted. Treating someone well should be a given in a relationship, but it's not the only reason why someone should stay. They should stay - ideally - because they want to be there too and want to have a future with their partner. It's true that some exes return if the single life isn't immediately gratifying, but those are the exes who usually bounce again when they happen to meet another new person.

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In the past, I went on several dates which were duds. There were 4 which standout in the most negative way. I thought to myself, "Is this how men really are? Is this all there is in society?" Mind you, these men were average, nothing out of the ordinary but something was off with all of them. There was always something about their personality and character that were red flags to me. There was always something that I didn't like about them which may not be alarming to others but I knew they weren't good enough for me. Therefore, I temporarily gave up, focused on my own life, concentrated on my career, worked, worked, worked until I got somewhere in life.

 

Meanwhile, I thought about my poor mother and how I vowed never to end up like her. She chose the wrong man and paid for it dearly. She had a hellacious marriage and suffered needlessly. I swore never to follow her footsteps.

 

Then it happened. One day, I met my future husband. He came from a great, normal, nurturing, loving, stable family. He is a very moral, honorable man. He was worth the wait! To answer your question, those dates dumped me eventually and my feelings were mutual. I strongly believe yes, there is GIGS.

 

To this day, my mother always reminds me about how fortunate my sister and I are. We married well. My mother, MIL (mother-in-law) and the rest of us know far too many couples both married and unmarried who split up. There are too many to count among family and friends. There are countless stories of incompatibility, wrecked finances, poor health, baggage (example: kids from previous relationships), complicated blended families, dysfunction, toxic relationships and it goes from bad to worse. Unfortunately, there's a high rate of dumping / divorce / splits / miserable lives every which way we look.

 

There is such thing as GIGS based upon prudence, shrewdness and plain old dumb luck. In many cases GIGS is akin to winning the lottery.

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Breakups don't usually go that way. You are assuming relationships are about logic but they are about love. Once a couple break up for a period of time, the love usually dies.........and unlike the movies, it's never coming back.

 

It's okay. You can find a new girlfriend, a new love.

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Breakups happen for a million reasons. Yes, usually if someone leaves you, it's because they believe you are not right for them. (And, since most people want to eventually date again, that also translates to wanting to be with someone more compatible with them). Calling that "GIGS" is unwise because it implies they're just looking for the next best thing or somehow got swept away by the magic of something new and shiny and will ultimately discover that you were the one all along - that is, in fact, your hope in the end right? That your ex will 'realize what she lost' and come back?

 

I've broken up with people for a million different reasons, all coming down to incompatibility. I did move on to someone new, but not because I felt the grass was greener, but because I was correct that the person I'd broken up with was wrong for me - even if they were great people and had done nothing wrong to cause that feeling - and I wound up with someone who WAS right for me in ways those people weren't.

 

I'm sure it's not comforting while you get over this person, but you will go a lot further thinking to yourself, "she was not right for me if she could leave" than busying yourself with thoughts of her eventually returning remorseful for letting you go.

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Sometimes one partner is objectively "better" than another on one feature (e.g. my new boyfriend makes more money than my old boyfriend), but that doesn't mean they will necessarily be a better partner for us. My issue with the idea of GIGS is that it simplifies what a relationship actually is.

 

A relationship with a person is a sum of interactions. Through those interactions, one learns if a person is compatible with them or not. It is possible and occurs occasionally that people regret breakups, but typically if a breakup occurs it's because a serious incompatibility was present. I don't know why you and your partner ended things, but my guess is you differ on some pretty important value-related things. So, even if she gets wistful or decides that you were the best she's had so far and comes back, there's a good chance she will leave again in no time.

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GIGS can go the opposite direction, too.

 

My cousin married a great guy. However, she said he wasn't "exciting" enough for her so she had an office affair, impulsively divorced her husband, he became her ex and she married her colleague. Turns out, she made the biggest blunder of her life. She thought husband #2 was "exciting" and he ended up giving her a hellacious marriage. He has MS now, harasses women publicly, gets in trouble a lot, her friends and relatives have all since alienated her due to her husband's untoward behavior, he saddled her with 2 children and she's the sole bread winner.

 

Her ex is currently happily remarried with a daughter. Her ex was honorable and a very moral man yet he wasn't good enough for her. Her visions of GIGS came at such a dear cost and now she regrets her folly for the rest of her life.

 

There are stories of "letting a good one get away" which is very regrettable and sometimes difficult if not impossible to recapture what a person lost and stupidly let go of that prize. A real "catch" gets snatched up very quickly.

 

There are different ways of looking at GIGS.

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Am I the only one who thinks that just about every breakup is due to GIGS? [...]That gives me some hope that my breakup will turn around once she realizes that not everything is better out there.

 

Since I tend to think in specifics, I don't see value in generalizing 'every' breakup. However, I'm a fan of adopting whichever beliefs that are most helpful to me at any given time, especially in transition through the grief of a breakup.

 

While lots of people try to prevent grievers from holding hope of reconciliation, I've always taken a much gentler approach. I relax into trusting that if ex and I were ever a meant-to-be deal, then we'll meet on higher ground someday--far enough into the future for both of us to have reached that place on our own.

 

This motivates me to focus on my own well being, my growth and development, and keeping my eyes on my own paper. I can let go of hovering and drilling myself into a deeper hole to climb out of. I make lots of commitments to friends and family, I devote that time to creating great memories for THEM while I'm not feeling capable of enjoying much myself, and I move myself out of my own way.

 

This is my percentage play, because if ex should ever want to reconcile, I'll have reached a higher ground perspective that enables me to handle that better, and if not, then I've already made my best strides in healing--and rendering the ex irrelevant.

 

Head high, and believe in your own value. The rest will take care of itself.

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