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Thread: Grass is Greener Syndrome

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. When did you break up? What was the breakup about? A great deal of breakups are due to incompatibility and dissatisfaction in the relationship itself. Trying to rationalize this and hoping she left out of sheer curiosity and there was nothing wrong is sort of wishful thinking.

    If they think they can "do better" it also means they were not happy and the relationship was so bad that anything seems "better". So either way GIGS is just as bad as simply leaving because the bottom line is that same. It's over because they weren't satisfied/happy.
    Originally Posted by MarcDebbie
    I would think that most people leave because they feel that they can do better.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by greendots
    So no, in my view, whilst GIGS can happen, often times "they broke up with us due to GIGS" is just something we tell ourselves to justify why they left us.
    Bingo.

    I frequently see "GIGS" being mentioned as if it truly were some illness that can be caught, and thus, treated and cured. It's framed in a such a way that gives the broken-hearted false hope, clinging to the notion that as long as they were good to their ex, their ex will return once they find out the grass on the other side of the fence is a bit dry and brown.

    But very often, the grass is greener. That's not to say that the next partner is always some stellar human, but that the ex is happier not being in a relationship that was no longer what they wanted. Treating someone well should be a given in a relationship, but it's not the only reason why someone should stay. They should stay - ideally - because they want to be there too and want to have a future with their partner. It's true that some exes return if the single life isn't immediately gratifying, but those are the exes who usually bounce again when they happen to meet another new person.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    In the past, I went on several dates which were duds. There were 4 which standout in the most negative way. I thought to myself, "Is this how men really are? Is this all there is in society?" Mind you, these men were average, nothing out of the ordinary but something was off with all of them. There was always something about their personality and character that were red flags to me. There was always something that I didn't like about them which may not be alarming to others but I knew they weren't good enough for me. Therefore, I temporarily gave up, focused on my own life, concentrated on my career, worked, worked, worked until I got somewhere in life.

    Meanwhile, I thought about my poor mother and how I vowed never to end up like her. She chose the wrong man and paid for it dearly. She had a hellacious marriage and suffered needlessly. I swore never to follow her footsteps.

    Then it happened. One day, I met my future husband. He came from a great, normal, nurturing, loving, stable family. He is a very moral, honorable man. He was worth the wait! To answer your question, those dates dumped me eventually and my feelings were mutual. I strongly believe yes, there is GIGS.

    To this day, my mother always reminds me about how fortunate my sister and I are. We married well. My mother, MIL (mother-in-law) and the rest of us know far too many couples both married and unmarried who split up. There are too many to count among family and friends. There are countless stories of incompatibility, wrecked finances, poor health, baggage (example: kids from previous relationships), complicated blended families, dysfunction, toxic relationships and it goes from bad to worse. Unfortunately, there's a high rate of dumping / divorce / splits / miserable lives every which way we look.

    There is such thing as GIGS based upon prudence, shrewdness and plain old dumb luck. In many cases GIGS is akin to winning the lottery.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    GIGS is also about being at the right place at the right time and meeting the right person. Sure, being picky and choosy is important. It's also good fortune and luck, too.

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  6. #15
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Breakups don't usually go that way. You are assuming relationships are about logic but they are about love. Once a couple break up for a period of time, the love usually dies.........and unlike the movies, it's never coming back.

    It's okay. You can find a new girlfriend, a new love.

  7. #16
    Gold Member leseine7's Avatar
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    Breakups happen for a million reasons. Yes, usually if someone leaves you, it's because they believe you are not right for them. (And, since most people want to eventually date again, that also translates to wanting to be with someone more compatible with them). Calling that "GIGS" is unwise because it implies they're just looking for the next best thing or somehow got swept away by the magic of something new and shiny and will ultimately discover that you were the one all along - that is, in fact, your hope in the end right? That your ex will 'realize what she lost' and come back?

    I've broken up with people for a million different reasons, all coming down to incompatibility. I did move on to someone new, but not because I felt the grass was greener, but because I was correct that the person I'd broken up with was wrong for me - even if they were great people and had done nothing wrong to cause that feeling - and I wound up with someone who WAS right for me in ways those people weren't.

    I'm sure it's not comforting while you get over this person, but you will go a lot further thinking to yourself, "she was not right for me if she could leave" than busying yourself with thoughts of her eventually returning remorseful for letting you go.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Sometimes one partner is objectively "better" than another on one feature (e.g. my new boyfriend makes more money than my old boyfriend), but that doesn't mean they will necessarily be a better partner for us. My issue with the idea of GIGS is that it simplifies what a relationship actually is.

    A relationship with a person is a sum of interactions. Through those interactions, one learns if a person is compatible with them or not. It is possible and occurs occasionally that people regret breakups, but typically if a breakup occurs it's because a serious incompatibility was present. I don't know why you and your partner ended things, but my guess is you differ on some pretty important value-related things. So, even if she gets wistful or decides that you were the best she's had so far and comes back, there's a good chance she will leave again in no time.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    GIGS can go the opposite direction, too.

    My cousin married a great guy. However, she said he wasn't "exciting" enough for her so she had an office affair, impulsively divorced her husband, he became her ex and she married her colleague. Turns out, she made the biggest blunder of her life. She thought husband #2 was "exciting" and he ended up giving her a hellacious marriage. He has MS now, harasses women publicly, gets in trouble a lot, her friends and relatives have all since alienated her due to her husband's untoward behavior, he saddled her with 2 children and she's the sole bread winner.

    Her ex is currently happily remarried with a daughter. Her ex was honorable and a very moral man yet he wasn't good enough for her. Her visions of GIGS came at such a dear cost and now she regrets her folly for the rest of her life.

    There are stories of "letting a good one get away" which is very regrettable and sometimes difficult if not impossible to recapture what a person lost and stupidly let go of that prize. A real "catch" gets snatched up very quickly.

    There are different ways of looking at GIGS.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    GIGS seems like the sport of the superficial, acquisitional, insecure, impulsive and thus undesirable types. If someone trades you out like a car, get rid of them permanently.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MarcDebbie
    Am I the only one who thinks that just about every breakup is due to GIGS? [...]That gives me some hope that my breakup will turn around once she realizes that not everything is better out there.
    Since I tend to think in specifics, I don't see value in generalizing 'every' breakup. However, I'm a fan of adopting whichever beliefs that are most helpful to me at any given time, especially in transition through the grief of a breakup.

    While lots of people try to prevent grievers from holding hope of reconciliation, I've always taken a much gentler approach. I relax into trusting that if ex and I were ever a meant-to-be deal, then we'll meet on higher ground someday--far enough into the future for both of us to have reached that place on our own.

    This motivates me to focus on my own well being, my growth and development, and keeping my eyes on my own paper. I can let go of hovering and drilling myself into a deeper hole to climb out of. I make lots of commitments to friends and family, I devote that time to creating great memories for THEM while I'm not feeling capable of enjoying much myself, and I move myself out of my own way.

    This is my percentage play, because if ex should ever want to reconcile, I'll have reached a higher ground perspective that enables me to handle that better, and if not, then I've already made my best strides in healing--and rendering the ex irrelevant.

    Head high, and believe in your own value. The rest will take care of itself.

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