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Thread: Boyfriend broke up abruptly due to loss of close one

  1. #1

    Boyfriend broke up abruptly due to loss of close one

    My boyfriend who just recently experienced a loss of a close one broke up with me over text after not texting me for nearly 2 weeks. Our relationship was perfect for us and he told me that before the traumatic event he never considered breaking up with me. I never took him for granted and we were incredibly compatible. He just told me that he was unsure about everything in his life right now and it wasn't my fault at all. He said he didn't like how final breaking up sounded but he stuck with it.

    I still can't help but feel lost when I think about how detached he was and how final the decision seemed when I called him immediately after the breakup. He mentioned that I'm still beautiful, amazing and all that but he just can't treat me the same way anymore, it is unfair to me and that he wishes things could have ended differently. It really sounded like he had a rational mind though I would like to hope that his grief has made him react this way.

    I reached out to him around 2 weeks after NC. I asked if we could catch up and he told me that he was busy which I knew was a blatant lie. I had wanted to tell him in person how I felt and apologise for making it even more difficult for him during his time of grief but I just ended up sending it through text. I told him that I forgave him, apologised for making it difficult, that I was doing okay, pointed out perhaps why he didn't want to keep our relationship, told him that I loved him not just being in a relationship and asked him to consider giving it another go.

    The reply was quick, he didn't even take time to consider even though I asked him to. (I understand 2 weeks might have been too early but I wanted to move on.) He said that I was a good person and he was glad that I was doing better, he felt more at ease because he was guilty for hurting me but he doesn't think he's ready to try again or if he ever will be. He said life is complicated and his situation has changed and he doesn't see us together anymore and he wants me to move on.

    I already expected such a reply but seeing it still hurt. Just realising that he is able to second guess everything in his life except our relationship hurt. I never took him for granted and apparently for him I just wasn't good enough. I said I wished the best for him and all the happiness in the world and respected his decision. I did not beg or overreact. I told him that I can not be friends with him and am currently in NC.

    I never could outright tell him that he hurt me incredibly. He was essentially putting me through the loss of a loved one as well. However, I sacrificed my feelings so he could feel better in such hard times. Realising that he is taking my love for granted is helping me move on. Yet I can't help but wonder if he will regret because though I truly want him to be happy, I still want him to realise that he has let someone go that really would have never left him.

    I also feel incredibly bad as I feel like I'm abandoning him in these hard times but I've told him I will not contact him anymore and I plan to stick to that. I feel like I was too quick and selfish to ask him to give it another go. Perhaps he saw it as me being shallow but I needed closure and I wanted to relieve his guilt and pain even a little. I never told him how much I worried that he was hurting and how sorry I was for his situation because he wouldn't want me to worry as it would pressure him more and he doesn't like feeling weak. Also I just didn't want to bring up the loss of his close one. I thought it would be better to leave him completely but I wonder if it was the wrong choice. I maybe should have stayed for him and encouraged him during these hard times and not pushed him to consider trying again. I feel like I've ruined everything. Yet at the same time, I see that he is taking me for granted and I am of no importance to him.I am constantly cycling through not wanting him back but also feeling as though he will come back. It hurts that I have to be the 'bigger person', and the uncertainty of whether what I did was right or if I was too selfish is eating away at me slowly.

    Sorry that the writing is not amazing. Thank you for reading, I would really appreciate any advice and support!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can I ask how long you were together? I'll offer more, but I wouldn't mind understanding that first.

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    Iím sorry. I know how painful this must be. Iím also curious to how long youíve been together?

    I think the best thing you can do is not overthink and blame yourself because you didnít do anything wrong. This is truly on him.

    Iím thinking the traumatic event isnít the only reason he broke up. He may have been thinking about it before but didnít share his true feelings with you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How old is he? He's using the "It's me, not you" reason for his departure. Stop contacting him. Not to get him back, but to stop hurting and frustrating yourself. He states he's "busy" because he wants a clean break and it's over.

    Martyrdom is rarely recognized and never respected, so avoid that next time. He wanted out so you're not abandoning anyone. He has the support of his friends and family. It sounds like he's been thinking about leaving for quite some time and the relationship was not "perfect" for him.

    This event simply tipped things to it's inevitable conclusion. He may have met someone recently who is a better match or he may just not see a future in what you had because if incompatibilities. Let go. Embrace your freedom.
    Originally Posted by VelvetBlue
    I also feel incredibly bad as I feel like I'm abandoning him. It hurts that I have to be the 'bigger person', and the uncertainty of whether what I did was right or if

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    That's a little odd - usually, tragedy makes lovers closer, it doesn't drive them apart. But maybe he did not love you much. Sorry about this.

    Get busy with your life and dating. Someday you'll get over him and find a new love.

  7. #6
    Gold Member leseine7's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    That's a little odd - usually, tragedy makes lovers closer, it doesn't drive them apart. But maybe he did not love you much. Sorry about this.

    Get busy with your life and dating. Someday you'll get over him and find a new love.
    I have to respectfully disagree with this. People deal with grief in vastly different ways, and I know just as many people who tend to "retreat" as I do those who pull their loved ones closer.

    I lost a cousin who was a brother to me (my family had taken him in, we were inseparable most of our upbringing and he was a role model to me in my adult years), six years ago when he died suddenly due to heart failure while running one day at the age of 31, and my entire world shattered in on me in all the worst ways. I, too, handled people by pushing them away because I was a hot mess. It took me extensive therapy to finally find ways of relating to people again and reaching back out to my social circles, and I had to completely re-shape myself and my life around the new normal. I am not the same person I was before he died, and I, too, went through a huge breakup in the process. I have to say that unless you have gone through the kind of toll grief can dole out, you don't really understand what the person is going through. I used to hate when people would try to tell me to 'get out there' and would say things like, 'I lost someone close to me once and I moved on by doing xyz, life is too short, blah blah.' To me, unless they were literally my siblings and going through this EXACT LOSS with me, I didn't care what advice they had - they simply didn't get it.

    So I will say that there are a couple of angles here, however. You didn't give much background about the magnitude of this loss. I hate to say this, but there is always the possibility that your boyfriend was already wanting out and saw a good opportunity to use something that was happening in his life to call it quits without having to feel guilty or hurt you more by saying he just wasn't that into you. While I hope that's not the case here, I am suspicious of the whole "I can't be good for you now and probably ever" and the methods of doing this via text and never entertaining the possibility of a conversation with you. I would also like to know how long you guys dated.

    If that is the case, then there's nothing to reconsider and you were never going to work out anyway. I would urge you to quit contacting him because saying you 'forgive him/ hope he'll reconsider' when he probably doesn't REALLY feel that he owes you an apology and, although he feels guilty, probably has absolutely nothing to reconsider, makes you appear very pushy.

    Then, if he really is just going through a tough time and needing to focus on his grief, he is going to see your actions as pretty disrespectful of that process. Although he shouldn't have done this via text, that may have been all he could swallow emotionally at this time (I know that I was also hesitant to engage in any potential in-person conflicts at the time), and two weeks is absolutely not enough time to "get over" grief enough to be ready to reconsider. In fact, asking him to reconsider and stating how you feel taken for granted further highlights your inability to respect where he is at this time, and may indeed push him further away and for good. If you have stated that you "forgive him," without him asking you to or expressing any desire to eventually reconsider, to him that reads as you not taking him seriously when he says he can't be with you and needs to deal with things on his own. You're also showing that you don't believe him by saying you know he's "not busy" when he says he is. It's a lot of you saying that you never did anything to deserve this, basically, when he's already said that you're awesome but he can't/doesn't want to be with you.

    In the end, a dump is still a dump. It sucks and you have every right to be hurt, but you need to distract yourself less with "oh he is grieving and that is why he's doing this hurtful thing to me," and more with, "he is capable of making his own decisions and he decided not to be with me. I need to respect that and leave him alone."

    Maybe one day you'll hear from him again, but I would strongly urge you to go NC and heal on your own without any hopes of that happening.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by VelvetBlue
    He just told me that he was unsure about everything in his life right now and it wasn't my fault at all. He said he didn't like how final breaking up sounded but he stuck with it.
    I'm really sorry you're hurting right now, and I'm sorry this break up happened in a way that surprised you and makes it hard to find closure. I know it's hard not to wonder what could change things or why he really did this, but you might be happier if you try not to keep dwelling on it. Maybe explore other interests and people in your life. Emotionally that may be hard right now, but it'll get easier with time.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by leseine7
    I have to respectfully disagree with this. People deal with grief in vastly different ways, and I know just as many people who tend to "retreat" as I do those who pull their loved ones closer.
    .
    I agree with this.

    I recently had a significant loss and what came out of that is I found myself having no room for certain people in my life. These 2 people were just on the peripheral. I may have some history with them(not so good) but still had them in my life in some capacity.

    Death makes you quickly reevaluate things. I didn't plan on it, but my circle of people in my life took on more value and the other ones I let fall to wayside.
    I should have done long ago. It took a loss to make me see it that way.

  10. #9
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    I lost both my parents in 2014, months apart.

    I was dating my ex at the time and at the time, things were good and we were in love. The last thing I ever considered doing was breaking up with him. I leaned on him, and he gave me a lot of support.

    I did however, push others away, ended friendships. Those I did not believe added value to my life; as reinvent said, tragedy causes one to reevaluate friendships and relationships, which I did.

    I suppose if I felt unhappy with my bf or felt he wasn't adding any positive value to my life, I would have pushed him away too.

    That said, I know nothing about your bf, nor anything about your relationship, and it's possible he simply shut down emotionally and wasn't/isn't feeling much of anything for anyone, including, sadly, you. So he felt it best to end it.

    I am very sorry.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by VelvetBlue

    I still can't help but feel lost when I think about how detached he was and how final the decision seemed when I called him immediately after the breakup. He mentioned that I'm still beautiful, amazing and all that but he just can't treat me the same way anymore, it is unfair to me and that he wishes things could have ended differently. It really sounded like he had a rational mind though I would like to hope that his grief has made him react this way.

    I reached out to him around 2 weeks after NC. I asked if we could catch up and he told me that he was busy which I knew was a blatant lie. I had wanted to tell him in person how I felt and apologise for making it even more difficult for him during his time of grief but I just ended up sending it through text. I told him that I forgave him, apologised for making it difficult, that I was doing okay, pointed out perhaps why he didn't want to keep our relationship, told him that I loved him not just being in a relationship and asked him to consider giving it another go.

    The reply was quick, he didn't even take time to consider even though I asked him to. (I understand 2 weeks might have been too early but I wanted to move on.) He said that I was a good person and he was glad that I was doing better, he felt more at ease because he was guilty for hurting me but he doesn't think he's ready to try again or if he ever will be. He said life is complicated and his situation has changed and he doesn't see us together anymore and he wants me to move on.
    Velvet I just had a closer read, and I hate to say this, but given what's posted above, it sounds like this breakup is something he's been thinking about for awhile, and most likely has little, if anything, to do with the loss of his loved one.

    Who is this person he lost anyway? A sibling, a parent, a cousin, an uncle?

    In any event, his behaviour does not sound like someone grieving, I mean perhaps he is in his own way, but he also may be using this loss as a way to soften the blow for you; this is what I am sensing from what's posted above.

    I think you are too. You say you are hoping it's just grief, but my sense is deep down you know it's not.

    I certainly understand how the loss of someone close can cause us to shut down and push people away but that typically coincides with depression, which some people fall into after losing a loved one. Unfortunately however, it does not sound like what's happening here.

    I could be wrong of course, I often am, but something about what's posted above leads me to think there is more to this than just his loss.

    He's just too matter of fact about it, too final, he's made up his mind and that's that. Like it's been something he's been thinking about for awhile.

    And now that he's ended it, he felt guilty because he hurt you, but also a sense of relief that it's over.

    Again, I am so sorry. Please know time heals, I hope you feel better soon.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-03-2019 at 09:18 PM.

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