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Thread: I need your advice regarding silent treatments and deciding whether I was wrong

  1. #81
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    Originally Posted by sosolaila89
    Anytime he does wrong, when he calms down, he apologizes. He cries in my arms, soaks my shirt up begging for forgiveness. Tells me this is the reason why his relationships never work out because he can't get it together. That he loves me but doesn't know how to show it. He tells me he just freaks out and wants to so badly be normal but his anger gets to him. That he admits he's a control freak. He begs for me not to leave him and that he knows he's not easy to deal with but he's trying.
    Yeah pretty standard stuff among abusers sosol. Have you read up on abusive relationships? Emotionally, mentally and physically? If not please do.

    I don't say this to hurt you, but his behaviour as described above, is not reflective of how special your relationship is or your love is.

    What it's reflective of is he is very very damaged and doesn't know how to love.

    And he never will unless and until he gets some professional help.

    Please know your continuing to forgive him and take him back with zero consequences is not helping him, you're enabling him and that is actually hurting him.

    Anyway, nuff said from me, again best of luck.

  2. #82
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sosolaila89
    Tomorrow is the 4th of July. We originally had plans tomorrow, this is why he came back from Wisconsin and took a week off to spend it with me. Now the silent treatment. If he doesn't come back tomorrow or day after, would that mean he never will? Or that doesn't necessarily mean anything?
    You need to set a basic standard for yourself on what you will tolerate and be clear about it.
    Maybe this is a good place to start. When ever you find yourself in this position - asking if he'll ever even return. .if you find yourself wondering this - this is where you call it.
    Because from all that you've shared, this is how you two operate. It's not going to change, especially when you consider his emotional challenges.
    You either except that this is what you've agreed to, or your decide it no longer works for you.
    Staying in the middle of it, suffering isn't acceptable anymore.
    The way this stands, this relationship is not viable.

  3. #83
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I really don't know what to say.

    Why would he bother changing if you don't bother changing? What he's doing right now works. I mean, he even makes his doing "wrong" by you about, well, him. How messed up he is, how damaged, how he's trying his best, how mommy did X, grammy did Y. And you hold him in your arms and stroke his hair. You tell him about how hard it is in the world, and he says he knows, agrees to take on the business of living in the world differently, then does nothing differently.

    And you hold him in your arms, stroke his hair.

    This is your relationship. It's not a bump in the road before things turn a corner. This is it. Seven years. It'll be seven more, seventy more, exactly like this. A step forward here, a step back there, all roads leading to this. Basically sounds like he hates himself a thousand times more than he loves himself, that he looks in the mirror and sees a self-hating control freak a-hole, and that he's more interested in supporting that idea of himself than growing out of it.

    And in you he has a perfect mirror in which he can continue to see himself as deranged, because the mirror is always there. You reward his derangement, coddle it. He spits in your face—maybe not literally—and you calmly wipe it away, take him into your arms, and apologize that mommy and grammy were so bad to him.

    Unspoken here, at least not directly, is where your sex life fits into all this. Do these episodes lead to explosive sex? If so, that's another reward—for both of you, one that conditions both of you to start equating not just emotional intimacy, but also physical intimacy, with pain and drama.

  4. #84
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I really don't know what to say.

    Why would he bother changing if you don't bother changing? What he's doing right now works. I mean, he even makes his doing "wrong" by you about, well, him. How messed up he is, how damaged, how he's trying his best, how mommy did X, grammy did Y. And you hold him in your arms and stroke his hair. You tell him about how hard it is in the world, and he says he knows, agrees to take on the business of living in the world differently, then does nothing differently.

    And you hold him in your arms, stroke his hair.

    This is your relationship. It's not a bump in the road before things turn a corner. This is it. Seven years. It'll be seven more, seventy more, exactly like this. A step forward here, a step back there, all roads leading to this. Basically sounds like he hates himself a thousand times more than he loves himself, that he looks in the mirror and sees a self-hating control freak a-hole, and that he's more interested in supporting that idea of himself than growing out of it.

    And in you he has a perfect mirror in which he can continue to see himself as deranged, because the mirror is always there. You reward his derangement, coddle it. He spits in your face—maybe not literally—and you calmly wipe it away, take him into your arms, and apologize that mommy and grammy were so bad to him.

    Unspoken here, at least not directly, is where your sex life fits into all this. Do these episodes lead to explosive sex? If so, that's another reward—for both of you, one that conditions both of you to start equating not just emotional intimacy, but also physical intimacy, with pain and drama.
    Sex is amazing between us. Yes, after not talking and fighting, it’s even more amazing. Literally, everything is amazing until he pulls the silent treatment.

  5.  

  6. #85
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    Wow bluecastle, your last post -- that was well said!

    sosol, did you watch HBO's "Big Little Lies, Part 1"? If not, I highly recommend you do.

    I think you will see a lot of yourself in Celeste and a lot of your bf in Perry.

    Their relationship began as emotional abuse as well, the silent treatments, him sobbing upon his return, begging, pleading for forgiveness.

    He, admittedly, was very damaged, struggling with many demons; Celeste always took him back, they got married, and not surprisingly the mental abuse escalated to physical, and it was BAD.

    But she continued to forgive him, take him back, things would be good for awhile and then lather, rinse, repeat.

    She (they) finally sought help as a couple, and she was eventually able to break away.

    I won't tell you the ending in case you want to see it, but the movie received high praise from critics and was deemed one of most powerful and honest portrayals of an abusive relationship ever written.

    Originally Posted by sosolaila89
    Sex is amazing between us. Yes, after not talking and fighting, it’s even more amazing. Literally, everything is amazing until he pulls the silent treatment.
    Of course it is!! Celeste and Perry's sex was amazing too, very powerful. In fact, it was the abuse and dysfunction itself that led to such powerful, amazing sex. That's the hook!

    It's all related, all linked together.

    Anyway, I hope you get to watch it and learn something from it -- I sure did!!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-03-2019 at 05:57 PM.

  7. #86
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    google `intermittent reinforcement'

    It's what makes casino's profitable. You keep investing your quarters and pulling the lever until it stops. You can't walk away because you have invested so much. Just one more pull. You are almost bankrupt trying to get it to pay off and then when it does you are elated!

    You don't want to do the math correctly because if you did, you'd realize you are still invested with little return. But you ride the high nonetheless (hence the great make up sex) until the next time the machine goes dry. And then you wait again.

    Intermittent reinforcement also applies to an unhealthy relationship dynamic
    Yours fits.

  8. #87
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    google `intermittent reinforcement'

    It's what makes casino's profitable. You keep investing your quarters and pulling the lever until it stops. You can't walk away because you have invested so much. Just one more pull. You are almost bankrupt trying to get it to pay off. And then when it does you are elated. You don't want to do the math correctly because if you did, you'd realize you are still invested with little return. But you ride the high nonetheless until the next time the machine goes dry. And then you wait again.

    Intermittent reinforcement applies to an unhealthy dynamic in a relationship.
    Yours fits.
    In a word, addiction. A very serious addiction.

    Your drug of choice sosol? Your boyfriend.

  9. #88
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    Idk what to say. I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I have no words left. I was fine at work. Now that I’m out of work and off for the next 4 days, my mind is wandering and anxiety is piling up.

  10. #89
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    Another question, why when he does this, he calls me off fake numbers?? He will admit it to me too. “Hey you know I called you off like 10 different fake numbers?” I’ll ask why and he says “idk.”

  11. #90
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    Originally Posted by sosolaila89
    Idk what to say. I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I have no words left. I was fine at work. Now that I’m out of work and off for the next 4 days, my mind is wandering and anxiety is piling up.
    You're experiencing withdrawal symptoms. Just like a drug addict experiences when he can't have his drug.

    Withdrawal from any "drug" is a bytch, went through it myself when I broke up with my ex, who was my drug of choice.

    Please seek help soso, otherwise this is your life.

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