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Thread: I need your advice regarding silent treatments and deciding whether I was wrong

  1. #71
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle

    What's being described here sounds like a nonconsensual dom/sub dynamic without a safe word. He can whip her whenever he wants, however hard as he wants, proverbially, and she has no say in the matter—the whipping, in this case, being going silent.
    I understand the "safe word" (my ex and I had this sort of dynamic) but clearly sosol and her "boyfriend" do not, but she chooses to consent regardless. Her posts on this entire thread suggest that.

    She may complain but it appears she will happily accept him back once he decides to stop punishing her by withdrawing and whatever other methods he uses to punish.

    So to me, that's consenting. If you don't agree, of course I respect that.

    Look I sort of understand her mindset; this dom/sub dynamic is familiar to her, she's comfortable with it as it was what she experienced growing up.

    I understand this, I grew up with an extremely dominant and controlling mother, who imposed all sorts of punishments on me when she was "displeased" with me, from chopping off my hair, locking me in small closets for hours, forcing me to clean the house when I was home from school sick to, yeah, you guessed it -- silent treatments wherein she would not speak to me at all.

    It was all very calculated to elicit a reaction from me, which was never good and is probably what contributed to my developing an anxiety disorder and perhaps even my bipolar.

    It's probably also what drew to my ex in some respects, the dom/sub aspect of it although he never imposed the sorts of "punishments" sosol's bf does.

    After we broke up, I went through a major transformation -- private therapy, support groups, self-reflection, introspection, tons of reading good reputable books by reputable authors, experimenting with different styles of dating, all which led me to where I am today. That "safe" place.

    sosol, I hope someday you will get to that safe place too, you will when you're ready.

  2. #72
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    I understand the "safe word" (my ex and I had this sort of dynamic) but clearly sosol and her "boyfriend" do not, but she chooses to consent regardless. Her posts on this entire thread suggest that.

    She may complain but it appears she will happily accept him back once he decides to stop punishing her by withdrawing and whatever other methods he uses to punish.

    So to me, that's consenting. If you don't agree, of course I respect that.

    Look I sort of understand her mindset; this dynamic is familiar to her, she's comfortable with it as it was what she experienced growing up.

    I understand this, I grew up with an extremely dominant and controlling mother, who imposed all sorts of punishments on me when she was "displeased" with me, from chopping off my hair, locking me in small closets for hours, forcing me to clean the house when I was home from school sick to, yeah, you guessed it -- silent treatments wherein she would not speak to me at all.

    It was all very calculated to elicit a reaction from me, which was never good and is probably what contributed to my developing an anxiety disorder and perhaps even my bipolar.

    It's probably also what drew to my ex in some respects, the dom/sub aspect of it although he never imposed the sorts of "punishments" sosol's bf does.

    After we broke up, I went through a major transformation -- private therapy, support groups, self-reflection, introspection, tons of reading good reputable books by reputable authors, experimenting with different styles of dating, all which led me to where I am today. That "safe" place.

    sosol, I hope someday you will get to that safe place too, you will when you're ready.
    I agree with you and you're 100% right. Tomorrow is the 4th of July. We originally had plans tomorrow, this is why he came back from Wisconsin and took a week off to spend it with me. Now the silent treatment. If he doesn't come back tomorrow or day after, would that mean he never will? Or that doesn't necessarily mean anything?

  3. #73
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sosolaila89
    If he doesn't come back tomorrow or day after, would that mean he never will? Or that doesn't necessarily mean anything?
    No one can answer these questions. If he doesn't come back tomorrow or the day after it means...he did not come back tomorrow or the day after. To know it's "never" you'll have to wait "forever" and you can update us in 50 years.

    I don't mean that to sound flip. He's got you out of your mind right now, your logic distorted. I'm not that rich, but I'd confidently put $10,000 on him coming back. He'll do it..when he feels like it.

    He is not thinking about you right now, at least not the way you're thinking about him. Probably he rarely thinks about you in the way you think about him, and what makes moments like this hard is that they highlight that—the massive divide between you two that you sometimes think is just a slight crack.

  4. #74
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    I don't know but one thing is certain -- he's no doubt feeling quite powerful and may even be getting a kick, cheap thrill out of how your brain is spinning round and the pain you are experiencing wondering whether he is returning or not.

    Which after seven years, he knows is exactly what's happening. And it's quite intentional.

    It's so cruel soso, but not gonna tell you to leave since I know that advice will fall on deaf ears.

    For now, just live your life and stop wondering about it, letting it control you and consume you.

    Life is way too short for all that bs, choose to love you, choose to be happy, choose to be at peace instead.

    Choose that safe place versus this chaotic mess of a place you are currently in.

    Your choice.

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  6. #75
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    I don't know but one thing is certain -- he's no doubt feeling quite powerful and may even be getting a kick, cheap thrill out of how your brain is spinning round and the pain you are experiencing wondering whether he is returning or not.

    Which after seven years, he knows is exactly what's happening. And it's quite intentional.

    It's so cruel soso, but not gonna tell you to leave since I know that advice will fall on deaf ears.

    For now, just live your life and stop wondering about it, letting it control you and consume you.

    Life is way too short for all that bs, choose to love you, choose to be happy and at peace instead.!
    Yeah, I haven't reached out at all. It's been 4 days and I'm really standing my ground. Just thought I'd come on here and panic lol. He doesn't know I'm panicking though. Or maybe he does, who knows. I just hope through 4th of July, I stand my ground too. This is going to be tough. I might be back, posting another question, panicking lol. Bare with me...

  7. #76
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    No one can answer these questions. If he doesn't come back tomorrow or the day after it means...he did not come back tomorrow or the day after. To know it's "never" you'll have to wait "forever" and you can update us in 50 years.

    I don't mean that to sound flip. He's got you out of your mind right now, your logic distorted. I'm not that rich, but I'd confidently put $10,000 on him coming back. He'll do it..when he feels like it.

    He is not thinking about you right now, at least not the way you're thinking about him. Probably he rarely thinks about you in the way you think about him, and what makes moments like this hard is that they highlight that—the massive divide between you two that you sometimes think is just a slight crack.
    I've heard that one a lot. Betting that he will come back. Your advice is making tons of sense to me and I appreciate you breaking it down for me. Sometimes I just need reassurance. I'm sorry if I sound super annoying.

  8. #77
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You don't sound super annoying.

    I'm not going to sugarcoat: my heart is breaking for you a bit, especially when you say you've "heard that one a lot." Must mean you panic a lot, feel the way you do a lot. Being into someone who is dominant—liking some of those qualities—doesn't mean having to feel like this. Not on the regular, not ever.

    I'm not certain, like Katrina said, that he's feeling powerful right now. I don't think he's thinking much of anything, to be honest, at least when it comes to you. I don't think he's really capable of that—of understanding that you are, like him, a person. I don't think he sees people as people—more like things that can either hurt him or make that hurt go away.

    That's how children think of adults, you know? When the teenager shouts "I hate you, mom!" and slams the door shut he doesn't care about his mother, as a person with feelings. He cares only about himself, his feelings. He is a selfish monster, as teenagers are allowed to be. Those who don't grow up and out of that—well, they can be pretty monstrous to be around.

  9. #78
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    Has he cheated on you before, OP?

  10. #79
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    You don't sound super annoying.

    I'm not going to sugarcoat: my heart is breaking for you a bit, especially when you say you've "heard that one a lot." Must mean you panic a lot, feel the way you do a lot. Being into someone who is dominant—liking some of those qualities—doesn't mean having to feel like this. Not on the regular, not ever.

    I'm not certain, like Katrina said, that he's feeling powerful right now. I don't think he's thinking much of anything, to be honest, at least when it comes to you. I don't think he's really capable of that—of understanding that you are, like him, a person. I don't think he sees people as people—more like things that can either hurt him or make that hurt go away.

    That's how children think of adults, you know? When the teenager shouts "I hate you, mom!" and slams the door shut he doesn't care about his mother, as a person with feelings. He cares only about himself, his feelings. He is a selfish monster, as teenagers are allowed to be. Those who don't grow up and out of that—well, they can be pretty monstrous to be around.
    Anytime he does wrong, when he calms down, he apologizes. He cries in my arms, soaks my shirt up begging for forgiveness. Tells me this is the reason why his relationships never work out because he can't get it together. That he loves me but doesn't know how to show it. He tells me he just freaks out and wants to so badly be normal but his anger gets to him. That he admits he's a control freak. He begs for me not to leave him and that he knows he's not easy to deal with but he's trying.

    If I cry, he can't take it. He quickly calms down and holds me and tells me he's an a-hole. He can't stand to see me upset but if I'm not by him, and he can't see how upset I am, it's the best way for him to be in denial that he's hurting me. If that makes any sense. When I'm in front of him, he can't avoid my pain. When I'm away from him, he can without feeling as bad as he would in person. His family used to have to hold him down and calm him down because he would freak out anytime I wasn't talking to him or if he had a fear that I was leaving him.

    I just don't know what to think anymore. I really truly feel he loves me, in his own way. I don't feel that he doesn't care about me. I feel that he pretends he doesn't to avoid having to "feel" anything. He seems to think acting tough gets him a long way. He even does it to everyone, not just me. His boss, his family, his friends. Anyone he comes in contact with. He feels he has something to prove to the world. That he has to react a certain way to show someone that they're not going to walk all over him even if they aren't trying to.

    I asked him why he doesn't take his Seroquel all the time like he should. He said because when he's on it, it blocks him from reacting. That he's forced to back down. That sometimes he wants to verbally attack his boss or whoever because he feels they walk all over him when he's medicated. He says that no one approaches him with disrespect or takes him as a joke when he's off meds. I told him that he doesn't need to prove to the world that he's tough. That he just looks like a bully. I told him that life isn't easy and it's one hard battle but if you allow life and people to get the best of you, you'll never change. He agrees at that moment, but when he gets into one of his other episodes where he thinks everyone is out to get him, back to square one he goes.

  11. #80
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Has he cheated on you before, OP?
    No, he has never cheated on me.

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