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Thread: I need your advice regarding silent treatments and deciding whether I was wrong

  1. #51
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    I said that, not blue and please don't be so naive, abuse escalates, ask any woman whose bf was initially emotionally abusive and has escalated to physical.
    I appreciate your help.

  2. #52
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Just to answer your question, I don't see the silent treatment as a control tactic per se, its more a sign of immaturity.

    A person who does this, has no idea how to have an adult conversation or how to deal with more difficult issue between two adults in a sensible and healthy manner.

    Instead, they have to sulk, punish and shut off communication. That's what children do.

  3. #53
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    Originally Posted by sosolaila89
    I appreciate your help.
    You're very welcome.

    Originally Posted by sosolaila89

    He gets off on drama. He uses the silent treatment and other dramatic ways to see how much I love him or care. He’s asked me before to beg for him because it makes him feel like I care. Even if he’s in the wrong.
    To which you have obliged, admittedly.

    My personal prayer for you sosol is that someday you will realize your value and worth and seek out a more healthy, loving and functional way of interacting in your relationship(s) and find peace within.

    Take good care. xx
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-03-2019 at 01:34 PM.

  4. #54
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I agree with Sherry.

    It's not control, it's not damage, it's not deep, it's not mysterious. Those are stories to give it more weight. It's just childish. I don't care what happened to someone when they were a child; if this is how they deal with conflict, it's too childish for me, a grownup, to deal with. It means, sadly, we can't connect in the way I need to connect, because it means I have to grow into a strange shape to accommodate someone. It means, over time, that I will not feel like a partner but like a parent or a teacher—or maybe just like trash, or maybe like a child myself—if I choose to reward it.

    And just in case I sound cold-hearted there, let me say that I have endless compassion for people who have had a tough go of it. I'm one of them. Caught some tough breaks as a kid, and I feel for your boyfriend. I know what it is to love a parent who treats you abysmally. I also feel for you. While we can't choose our family, we do get to choose our partners, and it sounds like you're choosing one who has made a good part of your 20s a pretty tough go.

    So, along with Katrina, I really hope you come to realize your value and that nothing—literally nothing—is an excuse for another person to repeatedly pummel it. The line between emotional abuse and physical abuse is so much thinner than you know, and I'm saying that from experience. Scariest part about that shift, if and when it comes? It's not nearly as jolting as you think because you're already conditioned to be in pain, to excuse what is inexcusable.

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  6. #55
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    sosol, I am curious to know, and if you don't feel comfortable answering, I respect that.

    But would you consider your relationship a Dom/Sub type of relationship? Him being the dominant, you being the submissive of course.

    Reason I ask is (1) the begging and your obliging/submitting, (2) it appears he controls the entire dynamic, you "happily" or even unhappily go along with it, excusing/justifying and (3) and most important, it appears you have relinquished your entire identity (submissive) and become some sort of extension of him (the dominant).

    Your relationship has become all about his needs, his wants, his insecurities, his troubled childhood, it's all about HIM and you seem perfectly happy catering to that dynamic.

    Not judging I promise, I was in a relationship very close to that, minus the silent treatments and manipulations.

    So just curious about what your thoughts are about that.

  7. #56
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I need your advice regarding silent treatments and deciding whether I was wrong

    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Years ago I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, in addition to Bipolar 2.

    I was placed on meds, which helped but caused side effects I didn't like, so went off them and learned to manage on my own.

    I do Yoga and run, I eat healthy and distance myself from those things or people that cause my anxiety to increase.

    I still have episodes sometimes, not as often as I used to, but as I said I manage on my own. Yoga works wonders, centers me and keeps me calm, so does running or any sort of vigorous exercise.

    And what's very important to me, is that when someone's behavior or words are actually causing me to feel anxious, I distance myself from that person.

    Just some things to consider other than the standard medication or CMT, etc.
    While I applaud you for your determination and perseverance Kat I also don’t think this is the norm for most people with that diagnosis. I know many that have tried to self manage their symptoms only to crash and burn, sometimes beyond repair.

    OP if you have tried the conventional ways of managing your anxiety and you are still exploding on others and so susceptible to manipulation in this way, what you are doing isn’t working and it’s time to seek more in depth help for your mental wellbeing.

  8. #57
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Just to answer your question, I don't see the silent treatment as a control tactic per se, its more a sign of immaturity.

    A person who does this, has no idea how to have an adult conversation or how to deal with more difficult issue between two adults in a sensible and healthy manner.

    Instead, they have to sulk, punish and shut off communication. That's what children do.
    I 100% agree with you. Thank you for responding to my other thread. My other question is, how do you know whether it's the silent treatment or their way of breaking up with you?

  9. #58
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle

    It's not control, it's not damage, it's not deep, it's not mysterious. Those are stories to give it more weight. It's just childish. I don't care what happened to someone when they were a child; if this is how they deal with conflict, it's too childish for me, a grownup, to deal with. It means, sadly, we can't connect in the way I need to connect, because it means I have to grow into a strange shape to accommodate someone. It means, over time, that I will not feel like a partner but like a parent or a teacher—or maybe just like trash, or maybe like a child myself—if I choose to reward it.
    While I don't disagree that it's immature and childish, I am having trouble understanding why this would not be considered a form of control in your opinion bluecastle.

    My understanding of the silent treatment is this (below) which is identical to what I've read in other articles/journals and what my own therapist advised me, years back when I was in therapy.

    >>Silent treatment (often referred to as the silent treatment) is refusal to communicate verbally with someone who desires the communication. It may range from just sulking to malevolent abusive controlling behaviour. It may be a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval and contempt is exhibited through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence. Clinical psychologist Harriet Braiker identifies it as a form of manipulative punishment.<<

    From what sosol has posted, I interpret her bf's behaviour as the most severe form of the silent treatment. Which according to above is abusive controlling behaviour.

  10. #59
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    Originally Posted by maew
    While I applaud you for your determination and perseverance Kat I also don’t think this is the norm for most people with that diagnosis. I know many that have tried to self manage their symptoms only to crash and burn, sometimes beyond repair.

    OP if you have tried the conventional ways of managing your anxiety and you are still exploding on others and so susceptible to manipulation in this way, what you are doing isn’t working and it’s time to seek more in depth help for your mental wellbeing.
    This is the first time I've done this in a while. I didn't even flip out. I asked, "Is there someone else you're seeing or are you strictly busy with work? I have told you that I love you twice today but no answer when you've just responded to me a second ago. Are you upset with me? Stressed? Angry? Busy? What's wrong?"

    I didn't shout, I didn't say it with an attitude. I simply just wanted answers. This resulted in the silent treatment. I'm a very calm and understanding person but I felt my boyfriend was being physically distant with me. I didn't understand why because he was still very loving through text/calls. He was his normal self. It just felt like he was too busy working and had no time for me and wasn't making any time, even if it were for 15 minutes.

    The last time I actually exploded was almost 3 years ago. I completely changed and did a 360. This thing he does with "punishing" me started 2 years ago. Might've been a year and a half ago, don't remember. Not sure why he all of a sudden started doing this but I do agree with SherrySher that it is in fact to punish me, shut off communication and sulk.

    I also do agree that it has a lot to do with immaturity. This is why I constantly keep bringing up his mental illness because it's a result of a terrible childhood where he didn't have the chance to be a kid. He always wondered why he wasn't loved and cared for like other kids were. Living on a street up until 12 years, actually up until his grandma who adopted him, died. He acts out in ways that a child would act if a child didn't get their way or a birthday cake. Hell he even gets really sad if I said I cannot buy him a toy. He collects toys. It's just hearing "no" or "you're being bad" in another way without exactly saying that, upsets him.

  11. #60
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    Originally Posted by sosolaila89
    I 100% agree with you. Thank you for responding to my other thread. My other question is, how do you know whether it's the silent treatment or their way of breaking up with you?
    You ask these things like there is a general answer that always works. None of us are in the mind of your bf. From what you've said about him - if he were to break up with you I wouldn't be surprised if he did it through silent treatment. So I don't see how you CAN know. You are dating someone for whom the only thing you can be certain about is that they are unpredictable.

    He may not even know whether this current silent treatment is a break up or not. Maybe you should choose an amount of time - if the silence continues past a a certain point, you may as well consider it a breakup. What amount of time sounds right to you?

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