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Thread: I need your advice regarding silent treatments and deciding whether I was wrong

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    You do know this is a form of manipulation don't you? That's very hurtful to you.

    The "silent treatment" is also a form of emotional abuse (Google it), also extremely hurtful.

    How is this him loving you, caring about you?

    I'd be interested in hearing the story you are telling yourself, that makes such cruel behaviour and treatment of you okay in your world, such that you literally chase him down and at times beg for him to come back.
    Yes, it is emotional abuse/manipulation. He comes from a family filled with emotional/mental abusers who manipulate him on a daily basis. This is all he knows. In his eyes, this is love. It's not a story I tell myself, it's his reality and who am I to judge him on what he's been through or how he deals with it today. It's much deeper than what you see here. I wish I can go in depth but his story isn't mine to tell.

    All I can say is, he's broken. Crushed into pieces and has no idea how beautiful life really is because he was never given a beautiful life. Nothing even remotely close to it. So, yes, his relationships will not be beautiful either. He's a child trapped in a 38 year old's body. No one will ever understand him the way that I do and they don't have to. We all have a story to tell, and we all deal with our pain differently. This doesn't mean that anyone has the right to decide whether someone is capable of love or not just because they aren't familiar with his kind of love.

  2. #32
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    So it's business as usual for the two of you.

    Do you usually get this upset? If you know he'll be back and that you will continue to allow him to get away with treating you like this...why even get upset at all?

    I would think you would be used to it after 7 years. I presume you will beg him back again, he'll come back, then the next cycle will begin.

    Not my cup of tea, but people generally don't stay in situations unless they're getting something out of it.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Just to clarify: Each of you is homo sapien, right? No demi gods or gods in this relationship, right?

    OK, with that clarified, I can say something with certainty: Each of you will be wrong. Many many times. So what?

    If silent treatment is a vindictive behavior you choose to learn to tolerate, then your best road to sanity is to accept that sometimes you disagree, sometimes you are wrong,sometimes your partner is wrong and sometimes you need to refocus your energy when your spouse withdraws. Whatever. That's how it is. Accept your wrongs with You're right, I do care; made a mistake. And shrug, move on to whatever else you want to focus on, on your own.

  4. #34
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    Yes. I get the sense - and tagging on to blue castles comment that you two have and both contribute to an unhealthy dynamic. You hurt him. Iíd be hurt too if I were him and itís nothing to do with a mental illness or disorder. Itís plain hurtful. This kind of push pull masquerades as love or passion. Itís not. Id step up the cardio exercise despite the sometimes it works comment you made and try Weil method of 478 breathing. Until you can seek professional counseling. Good luck.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have you considered that dating someone with severe mental illness is just not right for you? If inconsistent behavior makes you this anxious you may want to reconsider things.
    Originally Posted by sosolaila89
    Iím hoping that he will come back. He does all the time but I canít help but to think that everytime he does this, itís over for good. Only to find him calling me acting as if nothing happened.

  7. #36
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    This man emotionally abuses you, OP. His dysfunctional home life is not an excuse and you need to stop using it as a reason to tolerate the abuse. You are not doing anything but enabling it when you excuse it away and label him as "broken" and "crushed."

    My own partner comes from a terribly abusive family. He never knew "love" in a healthy sense, either. But, he has also never showed me anything but kindness and respect. He had an incredibly difficult childhood and it extended into his adult years. Even today, in his 50s, his father tries to create chaos in his life and the man is a senior citizen now. However, my partner made a choice to not repeat the same abusive tendencies he learned growing up. It can be overcome, with consistent effort. And no, he has never had therapy. This was his own doing.

    I do recognize that people respond to abuse in different ways. He does so in a way that continues the cycle, and you rationalize it. You are both part of this dysfunction. His mental illnesses are compounding the issue, without a doubt. Your own issues are, too. I strongly get the sense that you feel you can and should rescue him, and that somehow validates your role in his life. You essentially confirmed that with this: "No one will ever understand him the way that I do and they don't have to" You tell yourself this because it gives you a reason to stay and makes you feel like he will have a reason to come back to you. Apparently, though, you don't actually understand him that well either or you wouldn't be flinging baseless accusations at him and panicking when he doesn't immediately respond. If you understood him as well you like you believe, you'd have been able to predict the consequence of your actions here. But you didn't. Time to drop the false narrative, girl. It creates an awfully unhealthy dynamic and you are not qualified to give him the help he needs. Is he receiving treatment for his mental illnesses?

    My guess is you came here for advice apart from "leave him" because this is precisely the advice your friends and family give you. I don't agree that your friend should stir the pot, nor that you should listen to her musings about him cheating, but I have to wonder if she simply wants you to get away from this guy for good. I imagine he is not well-liked by the people in your life, correct?

  8. #37
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Why can't you let sleeping dogs lie? Why did you act against your better judgment by listening to your friend and accuse your boyfriend of cheating? Why create drama when there wasn't any? I think you royally messed up on this one.

    I'm not surprised he gave you the silent treatment. I would've done the same! You need to exercise self control as opposed to believing your friend and jumping to conclusions. I don't blame him in the least for NOT texting, "Good morning beautiful. I love you, hope you have a great day at work, my gorgeous queen." Of course, he's giving you the silent treatment. He told you that if you infuriated him, he'll ignore you so listen to him. He's actually behaving like a gentleman by giving you the silent treatment as opposed to letting you have it with harsh, nasty, ugly words. He's taking the higher road and being the bigger person by ignoring you. Think about that. He's not stooping as low as you did.

    You owe your boyfriend a very humble, sincere apology. Tell him that you were influenced and convinced by your friend and in hindsight, you should've known better than to second guess his loyalty to you and his integrity. Don't be surprised if your birthday and 4th of July are ruined. You pounded the nail in the coffin on that one.

    For your sake and for the sake of your relationship, I hope you'll sincerely admit fault, tell him you're sorry, patch things up and make amends. Do the right thing. Swallow your pride and tell him you're sincerely sorry. After that, no more drama. Try to be nice! If he treats you with respect, then you treat him with respect.

  9. #38
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    About the begging - the only regret I have about my ex is I never got to hear her sing or beg!!


    Seriously, a lot of people consider someone with mental issues not a catch.

    You need some help to hold this thing together. I recommend counseling.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You are dealing with someone who has severe mental illness with psychotic features. Who had gone off his meds and may be in a full blown manic/psychotic episode for all you know. Not only does he have severe and difficult to treat mental illness, he is non-compliant with medication. As far as your family/friends, they have probably warned you repeatedly about him because it sounds like he has been unstable all along. He needs a psychiatrist, not a relationship. As long as you are with him, you won't have peace happiness love or stability in your life. Just manifestations of his untreated symptoms. You will then run to family and friends again and they will again warn you about how untenable the situation is.
    Originally Posted by sosolaila89
    When heís on meds......

  11. #40
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    My question is, how do I break the silent treatment and should I reach out or wait on him to? That was my only question.

    Yes, I am staying with him and willing to deal with this. Thatís only a decision I can make. However, I do appreciate all of your opinions.

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