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I need your advice regarding silent treatments and deciding whether I was wrong


sosolaila89

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Hello everyone,

 

I'm so thankful that I've found a place where I can vent and get some advice. It's not easy going to family or friends because of their biased opinions. I know no one knows my relationship like I do but it'd be nice to get some advice and help elsewhere. I need people who can see the situation outside of "leave him." True help and support on how to deal with this situation.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for close to 7 years. He suffers from bipolar/schizophrenia/ptsd. He's 38 and I am 29, about to be 30 this month. I believe those are really important to know before I continue. I don't know want to explain our relationship in detail because that'd take forever. I'm just going to focus on why I'm here today and what I need help with.

 

For 2 years or less, my boyfriend has been quite distant. He's still very loving and shows me plenty of attention but seeing me, is not on his list of priorities. He has been going out of town for business. Right now, he's in Wisconsin which is about 3 hours away from me. My birthday is this month and he invited me out on my birthday to spend time with him in Wisconsin since he won't be here. I'll be going. He came back this week to spend 4th of July with me but now he's given me the silent treatment and I'm not sure if that'll happen still.

 

The silent treatment started on Saturday night. I was talking to a friend of mine and she is the type who will convince you to believe something. She started saying things like "he's probably cheating," but clearly she doesn't know that. She can assume all she wants but she doesn't know. She convinced me anyways, even though I know what he's up to, and I flipped out on him through text. Accusing him of cheating, and the most. He never responded. This was @ 7:30 pm which is around the time he's getting ready for bed but I know he was still up, just ignoring me.

 

I then expressed that my emotions are just running wild and that's why I'm acting this way. That I miss him and it sucks that we don't spend time with each other anymore. That I know he's working but doesn't change the fact that I miss him. He still didn't respond. So, Sunday comes and still nothing from him. He always texts me "Good morning beautiful. I love you and I hope you have a great day at work today my gorgeous queen." He has texted me that every single day for nearly 7 years. I haven't gotten anything from him the past few days since Saturday.

 

Silent treatment goes on. I feel because I did reach out many times after I caught myself doing wrong and explaining why I acted that way, I shouldn't have to keep on trying to get him to talk to me. Mind you, he always does this. He's even said "if you piss me off, I will ignore you." He would never let it ruin any holiday or birthdays coming up though. Being that he hasn't reached out and 4th of July is around the corner, I'm panicking.

 

My question is, should I reach out? Or, should I wait on him to come get me? I have lost my power in this relationship and hoping to get that back.

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Being that he is bipolar/schizo-affective/suffering from PTSD, do you know that he is in a healthy mindset right now? If the silence has been building, could there be a chance that he is having an episode of some sort? If he has texted you every morning for seven years and suddenly stopped with no explanation, I would be worried.

 

Your friend sounds like a pot-stirrer. Don't listen to her.

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It sounds like your friend triggered an underlying fear of yours (and she's no friend for doing so), so I wonder why you were so quick to listen to her and fire off a serious accusation at your boyfriend. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you're worried about him cheating, or you'd have told her to knock it off. Have there been trust issues previously?

 

I understand why he is angry at you, to be clear. You were quick to not give him the benefit of the doubt and start drama over text messaging. It tells him you don't trust him and chose to communicate this immaturely. However, the very least he could do is let you know that you upset him a lot and he doesn't want to speak right now. His total silence is concerning, but I am guessing the very fact that he's used silence as a threat before makes me wonder how often you tiptoe around his feelings and stifle yours down. This whole episode and your use of this line, "I have lost my power in this relationship and hoping to get that back", strongly suggests a very unhealthy dynamic in general. Framing this as who has power speaks to the overall landscape of your relationship, and it doesn't sound too good.

 

I would stop trying to reach out. See if he comes for you. If he doesn't, you really need to take a step back and re-evaluate the feasibility of the relationship. Two years of distant behaviour combined with silent treatment should have you reflecting on whether this is what you want.

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He hasn't stopped the good morning texts. I was saying that since Saturday, while he's been giving me the silent treatment, it's stopped. I've stopped talking to her since then. I only talk to her about stuff that's not in relation to my relationship.

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I have bad anxiety and when I freak out, I ask everyone for their opinion. Some people take advantage of that and really try to break me while undergoing anxiety which causes me to explode in sadness and pain.

 

But that doesn't make what you accused him of disappear. You accused him of cheating!

 

What have you done to manage your anxiety? Therapy? Medication? CBT?

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I have bad anxiety and when I freak out, I ask everyone for their opinion. Some people take advantage of that and really try to break me while undergoing anxiety which causes me to explode in sadness and pain.

 

And that can do serious damage to a relationship.

 

I'll ask again: how often do you fear he is cheating on you? This episode didn't come out of nowhere. Your fear is there. Where is it coming from?

 

It sounds like you need new friends, by the way. A true friend isn't going to intentionally try to provoke you.

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You’re right. I shouldn’t have accused him because I never doubted his trust or our relationship until I allowed an outsider to get into my head.

 

I haven’t done anything to manage to except go for a walk/the gym to release it. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

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The fear of him cheating has not come to my mind since she mentioned he may not spend time with me because his priority is another woman.

 

I’m sad he doesn’t spend time with me and she took that and created a whole scenario out of it. Doesn’t mean I should have trusted her over my own boyfriend but sadly, I did.

 

He has done the same to me and I am a bit more understanding than he is because I don’t get mad. I reassure him that I am faithful and all is good.

 

He doesn’t actually think I am, his paranoia (which comes from schizophrenia) causes him to behave this way. When he’s on meds, he’s not like that.

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You’re right. I shouldn’t have accused him because I never doubted his trust or our relationship until I allowed an outsider to get into my head.

 

I haven’t done anything to manage to except go for a walk/the gym to release it. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

 

Do you think maybe it's time to find better ways to manage your anxiety? You (apparently) did not go for a walk or to the gym when your friend made up the cheating scenario about your boyfriend, so I'd say your methods are not working too well.

 

Is he getting treatment for his mental illness?

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As it currently stands, this is not a good relationship for you to be in. It's sucked for 2 years and there is too much distance between you, which triggers anxiety in both of you. You each have accused the other of infidelity, and as much as he can try to help close the gap by things like good morning texts, you are both trying to hold onto something that's slipping away. It may not even be anyone's fault that it is slipping away.

 

Long distance relationships can cause anxiety in people who aren't normally prone to it - and BOTH of you have mental health problems. The only thing I could see saving this is if you were closer to each other. Is there any hope for a change in circumstances anytime soon? There's nothing you can do until he decides to speak to you.

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As it currently stands, this is not a good relationship for you to be in. It's sucked for 2 years and there is too much distance between you, which triggers anxiety in both of you. You each have accused the other of infidelity, and as much as he can try to help close the gap by things like good morning texts, you are both trying to hold onto something that's slipping away. It may not even be anyone's fault that it is slipping away.

 

Long distance relationships can cause anxiety in people who aren't normally prone to it - and BOTH of you have mental health problems. The only thing I could see saving this is if you were closer to each other. Is there any hope for a change in circumstances anytime soon? There's nothing you can do until he decides to speak to you.

 

It’s not a long distance relationship. We live 20 mins from each other. He is in Wisconsin for work but lives by me.

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But that doesn't make what you accused him of disappear. You accused him of cheating!

 

What have you done to manage your anxiety? Therapy? Medication? CBT?

 

Years ago I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, in addition to Bipolar 2.

 

I was placed on meds, which helped but caused side effects I didn't like, so went off them and learned to manage on my own.

 

I do Yoga and run, I eat healthy and distance myself from those things or people that cause my anxiety to increase.

 

I still have episodes sometimes, not as often as I used to, but as I said I manage on my own. Yoga works wonders, centers me and keeps me calm, so does running or any sort of vigorous exercise.

 

And what's very important to me, is that when someone's behavior or words are actually causing me to feel anxious, I distance myself from that person.

 

Just some things to consider other than the standard medication or CMT, etc.

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Years ago I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, in addition to Bipolar 2.

 

I was placed on meds, which helped but caused side effects I didn't like, so learned to manage on my own.

 

I do Yoga and run, I eat healthy and distance myself from those things or people that cause my anxiety to increase.

 

I still have episodes but as I said I manage on my own. Yoga works wonder, centers me and keeps me calm, so does running or any sort of vigorous exercise.

 

Just some things to consider other than the medication or CMT, etc.

 

Thank you!

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Maybe while you're doing that hoping you should do some thinking about this relationship—what works, what doesn't, what you'd like to change about it all, including yourself.

 

This all sounds awfully fraught for a seven year partnership. You guys fling the sharpest of arrows at each other in the form of unfounded accusations of infidelity. Does that feel like an expression of affection to you?

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Many people view jealousy or possessiveness as a sign of "love" and believe "when there's fighting there's passion".

 

My ex actually loved it when his girlfriends cheated and then returned to him. He believed that his girlfriend's return proved he was "better" than the other guy. He found me insufferably boring because I brought no drama. He thought I didn't truly love him because I never tried to burn his house down (two of his girlfriends attempted, one succeeded. He's still with the one who succeeded as far as I know).

 

OP, do you believe you and your boyfriend's accusations of infidelity show how much you love each other? Do you find drama exciting? The fact that you long for his return leads me to believe you are excited by the ups and downs of this relationship.

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Honestly, I haven’t complained or done anything to him in a few years. I completely changed. This was the only time in a while that I flipped.

 

He gets off on drama. He uses the silent treatment and other dramatic ways to see how much I love him or care. He’s asked me before to beg for him because it makes him feel like I care. Even if he’s in the wrong.

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Honestly, I haven’t complained or done anything to him in a few years. I completely changed. This was the only time in a while that I flipped.

 

He gets off on drama. He uses the silent treatment and other dramatic ways to see how much I love him or care. He’s asked me before to beg for him because it makes him feel like I care. Even if he’s in the wrong.

 

It takes two for a dynamic like this to exist, and to fuel a connection spanning 7 years. When he asks you to beg how do you respond? How do you feel? Does that register as him caring about you, loving you? Do you "get off" when he reaches for these tactics?

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