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Thread: I need your advice regarding silent treatments and deciding whether I was wrong

  1. #21
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    I’m hoping that he will come back. He does all the time but I can’t help but to think that everytime he does this, it’s over for good. Only to find him calling me acting as if nothing happened.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Maybe while you're doing that hoping you should do some thinking about this relationship—what works, what doesn't, what you'd like to change about it all, including yourself.

    This all sounds awfully fraught for a seven year partnership. You guys fling the sharpest of arrows at each other in the form of unfounded accusations of infidelity. Does that feel like an expression of affection to you?

  3. #23
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    Many people view jealousy or possessiveness as a sign of "love" and believe "when there's fighting there's passion".

    My ex actually loved it when his girlfriends cheated and then returned to him. He believed that his girlfriend's return proved he was "better" than the other guy. He found me insufferably boring because I brought no drama. He thought I didn't truly love him because I never tried to burn his house down (two of his girlfriends attempted, one succeeded. He's still with the one who succeeded as far as I know).

    OP, do you believe you and your boyfriend's accusations of infidelity show how much you love each other? Do you find drama exciting? The fact that you long for his return leads me to believe you are excited by the ups and downs of this relationship.

  4. #24
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    Honestly, I haven’t complained or done anything to him in a few years. I completely changed. This was the only time in a while that I flipped.

    He gets off on drama. He uses the silent treatment and other dramatic ways to see how much I love him or care. He’s asked me before to beg for him because it makes him feel like I care. Even if he’s in the wrong.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sosolaila89
    Honestly, I haven’t complained or done anything to him in a few years. I completely changed. This was the only time in a while that I flipped.

    He gets off on drama. He uses the silent treatment and other dramatic ways to see how much I love him or care. He’s asked me before to beg for him because it makes him feel like I care. Even if he’s in the wrong.
    It takes two for a dynamic like this to exist, and to fuel a connection spanning 7 years. When he asks you to beg how do you respond? How do you feel? Does that register as him caring about you, loving you? Do you "get off" when he reaches for these tactics?

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by sosolaila89
    Honestly, I haven’t complained or done anything to him in a few years. I completely changed. This was the only time in a while that I flipped.

    He gets off on drama. He uses the silent treatment and other dramatic ways to see how much I love him or care. He’s asked me before to beg for him because it makes him feel like I care. Even if he’s in the wrong.
    And how do you react when he pulls these childish tactics? Do you refuse to participate? Or do you indulge him?

    Again, your longing for his return leads me to believe you find all this drama exciting.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    It takes two for a dynamic like this to exist, and to fuel a connection spanning 7 years. When he asks you to beg how do you respond? How do you feel? Does that register as him caring about you, loving you? Do you "get off" when he reaches for these tactics?
    When he asks me to beg, I respond by telling him that neither of us should beg for each other's attention. That we should communicate what's wrong. Although he agrees with me at that moment, he doesn't follow through and continues to do things like this. I do not get off on it. It actually hurts. It doesn't register as love or care but knowing how his mother is and what she taught him, to him, this is love.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by sosolaila89
    Honestly, I haven’t complained or done anything to him in a few years. I completely changed. This was the only time in a while that I flipped.

    He gets off on drama. He uses the silent treatment and other dramatic ways to see how much I love him or care. He’s asked me before to beg for him because it makes him feel like I care. Even if he’s in the wrong.
    You do know this is a form of manipulation don't you? That's very hurtful to you.

    The "silent treatment" is also a form of emotional abuse (Google it), also extremely hurtful.

    How is this him loving you, caring about you?

    I'd be interested in hearing the story you are telling yourself, that makes such cruel behaviour and treatment of you okay in your world, such that you literally chase him down and at times beg for him to come back.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    And how do you react when he pulls these childish tactics? Do you refuse to participate? Or do you indulge him?

    Again, your longing for his return leads me to believe you find all this drama exciting.
    Sometimes I do chase him and beg for him to speak to me. Other times, I let him be and wait on him to come back. It doesn't necessarily have to be because I did something wrong, he will pull this on me for fun just to see how I'd react.

    Drama is not exciting for me. However, I can see why you'd think that. My boyfriend plays these games because of his past. This is the only kind of love he knows. His biological mother was in and out of his life and his grandma (who was first to adopt him after being given up @ birth), played these same games on him.

    Abandonment is a real issue for him and I truly believe that is the reason he "abandons" me anytime something doesn't go his way or if there was an argument between us. I'm longing for his return because I understand what he's gone through. I understand why he is the way that he is today. There's a lot more to our story that'd take me quite a while to type out. We're both good people who have just gone through a lot in life.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You seem very concerned about his psychology—the intricacies of it, catering to it, and, yes, making excuses for it. Like your post above responding to me? What it translates to, to me, is something like: "I don't like the way he treats me—in fact, it hurts me—but I understand this is how he was raised and so he can't help it."

    But what about you? Does understanding "what he's gone through" bring you joy? Does being with him bring out the best version of yourself?

    In your shoes, if I sent the off-the-rails text message you sent I'd have no choice but to look in the mirror and ask myself who I was becoming inside this relationship. That would be my main concern, not whether or not he'll come back. I mean, I wouldn't send something like that if I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me—and, yes, I'm speaking from experience. I don't want to be that person, so emotionally strung out by a relationship that I blow my top. Things that turn me into a crazy version of myself, be it a friend, a partner, or a job, are things I get out of.

    But that's just me. You're you.

    Bottom line here is: You're in a relationship with someone who hurts you, says he won't do the thing that hurts you, then does it again. And again. And again. For years. Sounds like it all built up a bit and you blew your top—a top you're generally decent at keeping locked in, so he can be the one who blows his top. That's the man you want to come back? He'll be back, I'm sure. This is "what he does," as you've said. This is what you understand. This is, ultimately, how you guys "work."

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