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Thread: I need your advice regarding silent treatments and deciding whether I was wrong

  1. #121
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I really don't know what to say.

    Why would he bother changing if you don't bother changing? What he's doing right now works. I mean, he even makes his doing "wrong" by you about, well, him. How messed up he is, how damaged, how he's trying his best, how mommy did X, grammy did Y. And you hold him in your arms and stroke his hair. You tell him about how hard it is in the world, and he says he knows, agrees to take on the business of living in the world differently, then does nothing differently.

    And you hold him in your arms, stroke his hair.

    This is your relationship. It's not a bump in the road before things turn a corner. This is it. Seven years. It'll be seven more, seventy more, exactly like this. A step forward here, a step back there, all roads leading to this. Basically sounds like he hates himself a thousand times more than he loves himself, that he looks in the mirror and sees a self-hating control freak a-hole, and that he's more interested in supporting that idea of himself than growing out of it.

    And in you he has a perfect mirror in which he can continue to see himself as deranged, because the mirror is always there. You reward his derangement, coddle it. He spits in your faceómaybe not literallyóand you calmly wipe it away, take him into your arms, and apologize that mommy and grammy were so bad to him.

    Unspoken here, at least not directly, is where your sex life fits into all this. Do these episodes lead to explosive sex? If so, that's another rewardófor both of you, one that conditions both of you to start equating not just emotional intimacy, but also physical intimacy, with pain and drama.
    This, all of this....

    Clearly OP, you get something out of being the victim. You are not alone in this... people think they are being super selfless and giving when they behave this way, however it's really just another form of entitlement... the victim feels that because they bend over backwards to try and make their abuser happy, that their abuser then owes them changed behavior and living up to some perceived potential that the victim has of that person. It also means the victim never really has to look at themselves, or change anything they are doing, or to take any sort of responsibility for themselves or their life, because all of their energy is focused on the pain that their abuser is inflicting on them.

    How do I know this? Because I was addicted to being a victim and martyr in all of my past relationships. I too sought out dominant men because I didn't want to take responsibility for my decisions or actions... I was too scared to. Eventually though... there was a spark and a fire in me that wanted to be free, to be confident, sassy and empowered in every area of my life... and a soft side that was sick of being abused and wanted kindness and compassion and unconditional love, that wanted a strong man, not a dominant and controlling man-child.

    It's your call OP, obviously you know by now that this is who he is and you seem to be comfortable with who you are right now, the only thing I can really suggest is that you work on accepting him for who he is because he will not change, ever.

  2. #122
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You've been together 7 Years. You know he has untreated mental illness.
    This and what maew just said, literally everything she just said nailed it.

    Good Lord all of this amateur diagnosis and analysis...

    We are not even a little bit equipped to crack the surface of the complexities of your relationship, all we are equipped to comprehend is you are in a codependent relationship with someone with mental illness and right now youre on the low end of the roller coaster and need a distraction before the high hits again... you dont intend to leave, I fully believe you. From whats stated here, you both benefit from this relationship and feed off of eachother, not what Id personally define as an abusive situation... definitely not a healthy situation but one you seem to want at this point in life, I wish you luck getting through this...dry spell...but victim....Iíd say only one of your own doing...

  3. #123
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    So I had a great 4th. It was tons of fun but now that the night is over, Iím down again. No call, no nothing.

  4. #124
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    Again, OP, you know he does this.

    I don't really understand why it's sending you into panic mode on this particular occasion. He might be gone another few days, weeks, a month or two. Just wait it out like you did before. If you know him as well as you say you do, you know he will come back around.

    You insist on staying. This is what you get to put up with. It will always be like this.

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  6. #125
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    Because Iím afraid this time he wonít come back.

  7. #126
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    Originally Posted by sosolaila89
    Because Iím afraid this time he wonít come back.
    And why this time, specifically?

    He's been gone longer before, so I am curious why you feel this time will be different.

  8. #127
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    Because he hasnít been spending time with me lately. Heís emotionally close but physically distant.

  9. #128
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    I guess Iíll give it until my bday on the 30th. If heís doesnít call, he always does on my bday, then I know itís over

  10. #129
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    I just donít know if I should reach out and apologize for accusing him or just to leave it alone since it doesnít no matter if I am right or wrong, the silent treatment will still be used.

  11. #130
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    You said he has been diagnosed with schizophrenia, you attend support groups so one would assume you know something about it and learned ways to cope.

    My nephew has this disease, there are times he is completely disconnected from reality, like completely, he can become psychotic at times, he literally hears "voices" telling him things; when he lived at home, my step-sister came home from work to find the entire house boarded up because my nephew fully believed aliens were trying to take him away. That is what the "voices" were telling him.

    He has run away, for months at times, and been homeless. This is very typical of this disease.

    His disease has escalated, my step sister could no longer cope, and he is now living in a special home for those with this illness and he when he goes off his meds (which is often), he runs away from the home, actually preferring to live on the streets.

    When off his meds, there is no way he could ever, EVER maintain anything even resembling a romantic relationship.

    Frankly, I am surprised your bf has been able to maintain a relationship w you for seven years.

    You might be noticing a difference now because the disease may be escalating, he is no longer able to cope with the pressures and responsibilities of maintaining it.

    Again, the best and imo the only thing you can do now is try to understand this disease and NOT take it personally!

    He's sick for heaven's sake and all you are worried about is YOU. Afraid he will leave you. Ugh.

    My advice is call your therapist, and with his/her help, learn ways to cope, and start disconnecting and distancing yourself emotionally, cause sweetie, having experienced this with my nephew, since you said he is off his meds, he is gone -- in mind, body and spirit, sadly.

    I'm sorry.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-05-2019 at 10:43 AM.

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