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Thread: I need your advice regarding silent treatments and deciding whether I was wrong

  1. #111
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    So you know the reason for his disappearances.
    Originally Posted by sosolaila89
    He even admitted thats the reason he went 2 months not talking to me bc she......

  2. #112
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    aslkjdflksjfsd
    Last edited by sosolaila89; 07-04-2019 at 08:38 AM.

  3. #113
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    Last edited by sosolaila89; 07-04-2019 at 08:37 AM.

  4. #114
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    Originally Posted by sosolaila89
    And I never even asked why he disappeared. I asked how should I handle the silent treatment? Should I reach out or not? People started talking about other stuff which caused me to defend him by telling his story. Now Im being told so you know the reason. Thats how much people dont pay attention to my initial question. Ive repeated myself so many times. For the few who actually answered my question, thank you for paying attention and not stirring the pot.
    Oh, malarkey. That is rather dismissive of you. Glad I caught this before you deleted it.

    Plenty here took the time to read your posts and respond in detail. We can't really tell you how to solve a problem if we don't know what's behind the problem. Let's be real. If you kept getting a cold, and came here asking how to treat it, people would be asking about your health, history of medical issues and so on. The same principle applies here. How can we possibly advise you on how to respond to his silent treatment if we had no clue in what context it was happening? People paid attention to your initial question or they wouldn't be asking about your history with him at all. Take a deep breath, girl.

    I get that you feel defensive and angry because your relationship is now under a microscope and it frankly looks pretty crap. I am sure people in your real life tell you the same and that you are tired of the criticism. You are hearing things you don't want to hear, and you feel judged. I get it. I was there when my emotionally unstable ex was lashing out and causing chaos too; I didn't want people to know just how bad things had gotten. It's not fun to hear other people tell you that your relationship is toxic and that you're better off without him.

    However, what I don't understand is this: if your boyfriend has given you the silent treatment before (and he has, for extended periods) and he came back, why do you need guidance now on how to deal with it? Just do what you did before. Wait for him. You have said repeatedly you plan on staying no matter what, so just follow whatever pattern got you back with him the last time. What's the problem?

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  6. #115
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    I don't need any help anymore. Thanks everyone. This thread can be closed now.

  7. #116
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    Have you checked out any of the schizophrenia support organizations in your area?
    It might help you to see things from another perspective. It's not only for those who are diagnosed, but also those who love someone who has been.
    Some of the behaviors you listed are quite common to the illness. It's extremely common too for med skipping to happen.
    I think being as informed as possible is always a good thing. I think too you are personalizing a lot that is not personal, but related to the illness.
    Well let me know what you think?
    Thank you to grand for reminding me of this, frankly I had forgotten he suffered from schizophrenia, this thread went in a different direction (abuse) and I jumped on that band wagon -- so sorry sosol.

    This makes a huge difference, especially since he's off his meds.

    I like the advice to NOT take it personally, it's not about you, it's about his illness. His illness doesn't provide him the emotional tools to cope with any sort of conflict and when there is, he runs off.

    He always returns, so sosol perhaps the best and only way to cope during these periods when he's gone, since leaving is not an option, is learning to how to be OK on your own.

    Strive to lose that 100 pounds you want to lose (different thread), become as healthy as you can be, and develop a fulfilling life outside of him. Doing so may even add a different element to the relationship, strengthening it!

    Then when he goes off, you won't fall to pieces or become a ball of anxiety, you will know it's something he needs to do to cope (due to his illness), and you can simply do your own thing, go out with friends, take up a hobby you like, whatever.

    The key here is a accepting this is who he is, and most likely has nothing to to with you.

    You said he's only been gone four days. My guess is he will be back just like all the other times.

    So enjoy your holiday, and try to stop worrying so much, ok?

    I think it's great you attend support groups, stick with that and gain strength from others experiencing the same thing.

  8. #117
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Thank you to grand for reminding me of this, frankly I had forgotten he suffered from schizophrenia, this thread went in a different direction (abuse) and I jumped on that band wagon -- so sorry sosol.

    This makes a huge difference, especially since he's off his meds.

    I like the advice to NOT take it personally, it's not about you, it's about his illness. His illness doesn't provide him the emotional tools to cope with any sort of conflict and when there is, he runs off.

    He always returns, so sosol perhaps the best and only way to cope during these periods when he's gone, since leaving is not an option, is learning to how to be OK on your own.

    Strive to lose that 100 pounds you want to lose (different thread), become as healthy as you can be, and develop a fulfilling life outside of him. Doing so may even add a different element to the relationship, strengthening it!

    Then when he goes off, you won't fall to pieces or become a ball of anxiety, you will know it's something he needs to do to cope (due to his illness), and you can simply do your own thing, go out with friends, take up a hobby you like, whatever.

    The key here is a accepting this is who he is, and most likely has nothing to to with you.

    You said he's only been gone four days. My guess is he will be back just like all the other times.

    So enjoy your holiday, and try to stop worrying so much, ok?

    I think it's great you attend support groups, stick with that and gain strength from others experiencing the same thing.
    *sigh* Id like to think that he will be back just like all the other times. Its hard to believe that when Im in a panic.

  9. #118
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Happy 4th! Enjoy the fireworks, have a beer in the sun.

    He's sick. If he was physically sickif he had, say, a broken legyou wouldn't be panicked if he was avoiding running a marathon with you right now. Well, he has a broken spirit, as you know, which makes life a marathon he can't run from time to time. Now is one of those times, and these times are forever. It's not a verdict on you, but just the fabric of dating someone who is ill, and as such nothing to panic about.

    Remind yourself that this is what you love about him, and take comfort in that.

  10. #119
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    Originally Posted by sosolaila89
    *sigh* Id like to think that he will be back just like all the other times. Its hard to believe that when Im in a panic.
    That is my point though. Take the steps necessary to learn how to NOT panic!

    I don't even get why you're panicking anyway. He's been doing this for seven years!

    It's his illness, not you! It's his way of coping during stressful times.

    Instead of panicking, since leaving is not an option, learn to understand it! So you are able to cope during these unsettling times.

  11. #120
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Happy 4th! Enjoy the fireworks, have a beer in the sun.

    He's sick. If he was physically sickif he had, say, a broken legyou wouldn't be panicked if he was avoiding running a marathon with you right now. Well, he has a broken spirit, as you know, which makes life a marathon he can't run from time to time. Now is one of those times, and these times are forever. It's not a verdict on you, but just the fabric of dating someone who is ill, and as such nothing to panic about.

    Remind yourself that this is what you love about him, and take comfort in that.
    well said.

    It helps me to remember that what we love about someone is always a multifaceted trait - as all traits are multifaceted and therefore not good or bad. I love a man with a hearty sense of independence and adventure, always have. Sounds great, right? Well, such a man is less likely to include me, less likely to stick to one address, less likely to draw friends around for dinners and the like.

    Its a simple example - a way to remember that we choose someone who brings the tough stuff same as we choose someone who brings the fun stuff. Could I endure what you choose to endure? No, I could not. Its your choice, your use of your personal power. Remember that.

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