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Anxiety, doubtfulness of own feelings


NS2B1

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I’ve (M 20) been with my girlfriend (F 21) for around 4 months now and everything has been great. She makes me very happy and I couldn’t ask for a better person by my side. I can’t picture myself with anyone but her even though it’s been a very short time.

 

But for some reason I get really anxious for no reason about our future. She tells me she pictures a future with me and I do too. I love her but I’m not in love with her atm (We’ve both established that we are on the same page). I get random negative thoughts and doubt my feelings. I start overthinking and over analyzing everything. Like we spent a whole weekend together and after I dropped her off I didn’t miss her. But that then other days, I miss her like crazy!

 

I have also only been hanging out with her and haven’t seen my other friends that much because everyone is busy with sports and jobs. It seems as if I get any negative feelings (like not missing her) I resort to everything not working out and overthink and psyche myself out.

 

Why?? Is this a defense mechanism because of my past? My last relationship was really bad for me emotionally. I was in love with my last girlfriend a few years ago who was not in love with me and it hurt me for a very long time. I ended up pushing anyone away that was interested in me and it was very hard for me to catch genuine feelings for someone.

 

I really just want to be happy.

 

This is the second time this has happened, where I get into a routine of this and overthink about it for a long time. The last time this happened I got out of that bad habit of overthinking and it felt like everything was normal again. I even started falling for her. But then I start overthinking and I get very confused.

 

Thank you for reading.

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You know, if you are not in love with her, you are simply not in love with her. Do you have more of a friendship? I think--especially given that it has only been four months--if you are not missing her when you are not together, then perhaps you aren't as "all in" as you think. Do you think that, if you were to break things off, you would be sad?

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No, I don’t plan on leaving her. I just want an explanation as to why I doubt everything so much. We have a great time when we are together but when we are apart I overthink and stress about every feeling I feel and try to justify it. I don’t know why.

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Not at all, I’ve tried with many other girls in the past and I either pushed them away or it didn’t work out after my first real relationship. When my current gf and I first hooked up I knew it was special. We talked for hours throughout the night in bed together and connected. I knew I liked it the day after.

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No, I don’t plan on leaving her. I just want an explanation as to why I doubt everything so much. We have a great time when we are together but when we are apart I overthink and stress about every feeling I feel and try to justify it. I don’t know why.

 

Because you are only 20 and not yet ready for a serious relationship; your fear is causing you to question your feelings and I would imagine, the more serious it gets you may even become totally turned off and push her away.

 

You liked her in the beginning because it was new, fresh and exciting.

 

The novelty has worn off, reality kicked in and it's heading towards serious, something you are not emotionally ready for or even want.

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Not at all, I’ve tried with many other girls in the past and I either pushed them away or it didn’t work out after my first real relationship. When my current gf and I first hooked up I knew it was special. We talked for hours throughout the night in bed together and connected. I knew I liked it the day after.

 

It? You knew you liked her the day after? Not right then? Does that tell you nothing?

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Well it started off as just a hookup because she was just out of a relationship. We both agreed on no feelings. Now we are where we are.

 

Again you are only 20 and simply not emotionally ready to be serious, nor should you be in my opinion.

 

Dial it back if you can, see if she's open to just something casual and not as intense.

 

You may find your attraction returns.

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Thanks for the positive advice. I wouldn’t say this relationship is going “nowhere” lol. Just because I’m not in love with her in 4 months doesn’t mean it can never happen. Takes everyone a different amount of time.

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Sure, it takes everyone a different amount of time. I am not quick to say those words, but I'm pretty quick to start feeling them, as I think most people are. And the gap between thinking "I love you" and saying "I love you"—be it a week or 7 months—is generally not filled with the mental anguish and gymnastics you're dealing with at the moment. You're just in the flow, enjoying something new, a new person.

 

All this anguish and analysis? Typically it means something isn't clicking but you're trying to force the click. Maybe because you really, really want to click. Or maybe because you think you "should" be clicking with someone who is cool, nice, and willing to take their clothes off with you.

 

Point being, like the others, it kind of sounds like you're just not quite ready for a relationship—or at least one with her. Yeah, you can spin around in the mental well, you can blame it on your past, but live a little longer and you'll find that, with the right person, at the right time, all that past stuff isn't such a barrier. You work on it yourself, of course, but you also meet someone who, for whatever reason, doesn't trigger these spins.

 

I'm a lot older than you, so we're in very different chapters, of course. I remember when I used to think the way you feel right now was complicated rather than just seeing it as I do today: as a sign that I'm not compatible with someone, or ready for something, because I don't equate "being in a relationship" with "freaking out about a relationship." If I'm freaking out it means something is in the way.

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How often do you see your girlfriend? There could be an explanation why sometimes you don't miss her if you see her pretty often. I think you need to be apart from someone for a while to actually start missing them. You did say though that other times you actually miss her.

 

So what did it feel like when you were in love with your ex? How long were you with your ex? If you compare, you don't think you feel the same about your current girlfriend?

 

The reason why I ask is because I think that feelings and love can be on a spectrum. Also depends how long we were with a person. E.g. say if you're with someone only for a couple of a few months and there's great physical chemistry. That might be just lust and the honeymoon period. After a few months it may not feel like love either if you're incompatible.

 

I do agree with you that love can time to build and by that I mean companionship love. My advice to anyone is to really listen to your gut feeling. Usually you just have a feeling, an inkling as to whether someone is right for you or not. Do you have a bad feeling about your girlfriend? Or could it just be anxiety or fear of getting hurt?

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