Boyfriend in AA

Kind advice from anyone who has been through the AA program, or partners of someone who has please.

My partner has just reached step 4 of his AA program, and has been sober for two months now.. this is not his first time.

I’m fact, it’s his 3rd overdose and drinking has been over 15 years..

This time we got him into a private clinic, for extreme psychiatric help, for 4 weeks.

And it’s helped.

He regularly goes back for therapy, as well as AA meetings.

My problem, is us....I feel anxious, angry and defensive around him.

I’m waking up on a daily basis wondering if h has had enough sleep...as this could alter his mood..( meaning, if he’s tired, he feels like he can’t entertain, which means he gets agitated )

He’s very insecure about heself...and slightly controlling..well tried to be, I think the reason we argue, is that he tries to manipulate me, and I put him straight.

He’s been threatening to leave the past two weeks, booking appointments with estate agents etc, as I’m not trying enough?

I booked up some counselling for myself to deal with him better, and started going to al-alon meetings.

I’m also trying to get a social life for myself st the minute as I moved counties, and don’t know anybody here, so a girl from work offered for me to go to the gym with her...and I said yes.

I told my partner I was going, and he accused me of wanting to be with someone else, why else would I go to the gym, of flaunting my body in yoga pants..

This went on for a day..which caused a bad feeling...that night we went to bed, and I didn’t say goodnight to him, and this caused a discussion the next morning.. on top of the gym situation, plus him screaming at me that I’m nothing,

Then him apologising an hour later, and going to a AA meeting.

The problem he has, is I’m not meant to be affected by any of this...which I am...

When he returned from the meeting I still was unsure of him, so we argued, and he packed and said he’s leaving as I don’t make any effort in this...

And I didn’t stop him this time...as I felt it was emotional blackmail, as he was saying, he was saying he dosnt want to go, and only I can save this relationship by stopping him..

I don’t know what to think, I know he’ll be in touch in a week or so to collect stuff...

Should I just leave this until his through all his AA steps?

Will he ever get though that selfish jealous side?

Will he ever see how he hurts me?

Please someone shed some kind light

What does his counselor or sponsor recommend?

My understanding is recovering addicts are advised to refrain from romantic relationships until their sobriety is more entrenched (say, a year or perhaps more). As you can see, he's under a great deal of stress from trying to stay sober. Getting into arguments with you is not going to help with that process.

Yes I’ve heard this too, well regarding people getting into new relationships whist in recovery, they said it’s fine if you are already in a relationship.

But, it’s hard...

Is this what you want? To be walking on eggshells around him for the rest of his life and be blamed for his shortcomings?

How long have you been dating?

No of course it’s not what I want, that’s why me and his family got him into a treatment centre, to get help..I didn’t feel right to abandon him when he’s at his lowest point.

We’ve been together 6 years

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this guy is acting in an abusive manner. Regularly threatening to leave a relationship in an attempt to control a partner is abuse. You shouldn't feel as if you can't see a friend or go to the gym because you fear him blowing up at you.

Quitting drinking is a very stressful event, but it does not give him a free pass to treat you however he pleases. He sounds selfish, insecure, and potentially dangerous if his behavior continues down it's current path.

It's up to you if you want to continue with him or not, but I would walk away from this relationship.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this guy is acting in an abusive manner. Regularly threatening to leave a relationship in an attempt to control a partner is abuse. You shouldn't feel as if you can't see a friend or go to the gym because you fear him blowing up at you.

 

Quitting drinking is a very stressful event, but it does not give him a free pass to treat you however he pleases. He sounds selfish, insecure, and potentially dangerous if his behavior continues down it's current path.

 

It's up to you if you want to continue with him or not, but I would walk away from this relationship.

Its ok...I totally understand that..and I can only be grateful that I can see it.

He said to me, your my rock, and I replied, yes...but I’m not a verbal punchbag...which he stormed out of the room to.

I think if I stay, it’s just giving him the impression he’s doing nothing wrong.

He’s admitted to his therapist many downfalls...but dosnt think he’s controlling, which I do.

Its ok...I totally understand that..and I can only be grateful that I can see it.

He said to me, your my rock, and I replied, yes...but I’m not a verbal punchbag...which he stormed out of the room to.

 

I think if I stay, it’s just giving him the impression he’s doing nothing wrong.

He’s admitted to his therapist many downfalls...but dosnt think he’s controlling, which I do.

And really all that matters is your perception and how you experience a relationship with him. It really sounds like you want to be free of the relationship, but you fear that leaving will set him back in his recovery.

It's not your responsibility to be his rock or his punching bag. Relationships should not be as imbalanced as what you are describing. Also, as others have said, the constant conflict is likely not helpful for his goal of sobriety anyway.

And really all that matters is your perception and how you experience a relationship with him. It really sounds like you want to be free of the relationship, but you fear that leaving will set him back in his recovery.

 

It's not your responsibility to be his rock or his punching bag. Relationships should not be as imbalanced as what you are describing. Also, as others have said, the constant conflict is likely not helpful for his goal of sobriety anyway.

I don’t fear leaving him will set him back, it’s that we do actually have a deep love.

But I feel relieved from the pressure from him living here, and I’m sure he feels relief too.

Honestly, I would gather all of his things together and put them in a box. Change the locks if the place is yours. If he calls you to get his stuff, have a friend at home with you and leave it on the porch or have a friend drop it off. Look at his walking out as a blessing. I would consider yourself broken up. You do not need to be in a relationship with an addict.

I don’t fear leaving him will set him back, it’s that we do actually have a deep love.

But I feel relieved from the pressure from him living here, and I’m sure he feels relief too.

Love isn't enough. Someone who committed murder, is a stalker or a drug dealers can legitimately love someone - it doesn't mean that because there is love the person is healthy for you

Make it easy for him. He threatened to leave; let him. Do you want to have to beg someone to be in a relationship with you?

He might get through his selfish side, but it will be a long time. He is not in a place to be in a relationship right now. It almost sounds like he should not have left his clinic as early as he did. Do you know if he is still using? I would almost bet money that he has not been completely clean...

I don’t fear leaving him will set him back, it’s that we do actually have a deep love.

But I feel relieved from the pressure from him living here, and I’m sure he feels relief too.

Haven't you ever heard the quote, "Love is patient, love is kind..."? Is what you have really love? Attachment and fear is different from love. Six years with someone addicted to a substance that heightens their predisposition to lash out and abuse you certainly makes them look the same, though.

I don't make it my prerogative on here to convince anyone of any decision. It just seems to me that you've lost sight of what a loving partnership is supposed to be.

You didn't mention how long you have been together, but seeing you've been relating to someone in an altered state the majority of the time it's safe to say the relationship between the two of couldn't be a healthy one.

He's been medicating himself and now he's not. He's trying to relearn how to function normally and it makes sense that this will all a cause a shift in your relationship.

It's as if you two have been doing a dance and now he's changing the steps and you can't seem to get in sync with the different steps he's doing. The dynamic has shifted and that's what causes the anxiety.

It remains to be seen if you two are compatible once he's no longer medicated. What worked for you before will only work if the two of you commit to personal changes and relationship changes. It's a long haul and not easily overcome.

He's a master manipulator. Something alcoholics learn to perfect. The tantrums, the blame, the threats. Don't fall for it.

Alcoholics make the worst partners. This guy is no exception. They lie, they whine, they threaten, they are abusive in many ways. If he wants to leave, open the door for him. Being a recovering addict is hard and can make people act out in really unpleasant ways.

Personally I'd help him out the door, along with his stuff, and tell him I'll see him when he's completed the 10 steps and has remained sober for at least a year.

I suggest you start your own therapy and Al-anon meetings and then decide what the next stage your relationship will take. I suspect once you learn about codependency and enabling and trying to control while failing at it (yes, I suspect you are controlling too), you will find that the two of you might just get along a lot better.

He is in treatment and it's time for you to start yours now. You both have to have help in order to forsake some unhealthy ways of relating.

Good luck and congratulations on taking the steps you, as the partner of an alcoholic need to take.

His primary relationship is with booze and cycling in and out of recovery. You are just a pawn. Someone to blame, dump on, do all the dirty work and heavy lifting while he entertains his on/off drinking/recovery. Let him move out. Free yourself from this prison.

You do not have a relationship, it's a facade. You are alone anyway. His head is so far up his butt from drinking and relapsing, you'll never be able to pull it out. You can't fix or change him. Your choices are: drunk or dry drunk. BF is not a choice he's offering.

He's a control freak and an alcoholic. Either of those by itself is a dealbreaker, but he's got two.

You are going to counseling, good.

I suggest you start your own therapy and Al-anon meetings and then decide what the next stage your relationship will take.

Yep, the AlaNon is important for you, because you will learn from people who are in the same position. Like AA, each group is run differently, so give each location at least 3 meetings before making any decisions about whether a given group is for you.

You were smart to recognize the emotional blackmail, and you'd be smart to change your locks and avoid having him live with you. He needs to stabilize on his own. AA recommends that those in recovery avoid romantic relationships for at least a year, and as you've noticed, there are quite a few reasons for that. He's still living old habits of manipulation, and your willingness to let him leave was your first step in breaking your role in a long established pattern.

AlaNon will help you to continue breaking your old and enabling reactions to BF's BS. Trust that if the two of you were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday, but it takes time and distance to get there, and you'll both need to reach that place on your own.

You stated a belief that this is not supposed to effect you, and nothing could be further from the truth. These impacts are exactly what AlaNon is designed to help you with, so find a meeting and don't 'think about going,' GO.