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Thread: Husband staring at the waitress. Am I crazy?

  1. #1
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    Husband staring at the waitress. Am I crazy?

    So my husband is one of those guys who is literally so respectful to me and wouldnít tolerate any kind of cheating. Heís very committed to our relationship and does everything to make me happy. I have never not trusted him because I believe he can look at other women just because itís a normal thing and he has eyes and other people are attractive. But this is driving me crazy. So 2 weeks ago we went to my favorite Mexican restaurant and there was this new waitress who is a very cute girl anyway, I could see that she kept getting his attention. Like I said Iíve never had this problem with my husband of being caught staring at other women to the point that I have to tell him something about it. But this time was different and it hurt me but we went home and I never told him anything about it. Well the weird thing is that he never suggests we go to that restaurant. I always bring it up. But for some reason after the day we saw her on the same week he asked me if I wanted to go there. He didnít know better because I never asked him about staring at her. Anyway I didnít wanna go that day because I really didnít want to eat that. Fast forward to last night he suggested it again and I accepted. So we went to eat dinner there with our baby. And there she was. And it just happens that he had to sit facing her since she was working behind the bar. So I knew she was there he had no clue that I was gonna notice if he was staring at her or not.. and oh surprise! He was staring at her multiple times! Iím not even kidding. This may sound crazy but this is the first time Iíve seen him look at someone like that. So at the end of dinner I couldnít help myself and confronted him. I told him oh youíre looking at the new girl behind the bar? Youíve been staring there for the longest. And his answer was ďIíve seen her before and I wasnít looking at her I was staring at the tvĒ (Bullcrap). We got into the biggest argument about the waitress it was so weird and I sound like a psycho but I was so hurt and jealous because in my heart I believe that since the first time he saw her heís been wanting to go there. Or Iím just making up all this in my head and he just thinks heís pretty and he really was staring at the tv. He told me if in my heart I believe that he would manage to get me to go to the restaurant so he can stare at her then I need to leave him. And honestly in my heart I do believe that. And I would never want anything like this stupid thing to break us apart but again. This is the first time heís done this and I wonder if heís starting to find other women attractive and not me anymore.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member greta96's Avatar
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    He clearly finds her attractive, some people just happen to catch our eye more than others. But that doesn't mean he will do anything about it, or that he would jeopardize his family over the waitress.
    I would too feel uncomfortable, to be honest.
    Since an argument already happened, I'm sure your husband will understand if you two avoid that specific restaurant going forward. If he still insists on going there, or if he starts going by himself (which you may not find out unfortunately), then you have your answer and know that you have a decision to make.
    But hopefully he will agree that it's best to steer clear of that place, as nothing good can come of it at this point.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You claim he's never cheated and is very respectful. How old is your baby? Have you gotten back in shape or are you suddenly concerned with your desirability? How is your romantic/sex life since then? Do you ever get a sitter and just go out with the two of you? Are you working?

    Unfortunately it seems you've had a sudden drastic change in your self confidence. Make an appointment with your doctor and get a physical and a referral to a therapist to help you sort through this.
    Originally Posted by MicaDiaz
    We got into the biggest argument about the waitress it was so weird and I sound like a psycho but I was so hurt and jealous because in my heart I believe that since the first time he saw her heís been wanting to go there. He told me if in my heart I believe that he would manage to get me to go to the restaurant so he can stare at her then I need to leave him. I wonder if heís starting to find other women attractive and not me anymore.

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    Possibly the two of you may need to get out more and it does sound like you are having some self confidence issues.

    You have already had one argument over this, and it sounds like it was a big one. If he knows it upset you that much, surely he will be ok with not going back to that specific restaurant?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Ok I'm gonna go out on a limb here, probably projecting my own past, but anyways, take it with a grain of salt. You say he is " respectful to me and wouldnít tolerate any kind of cheating."; Maybe it's just wrong wording, but when we say someone is respectful to us, it usually follows with something they do to show their respect, not what they don't tolerate. If he is respectful to you by not tolerating any kind of cheating from you, it doesn't make sense. I wouldn't give this a second thought if you didn't add in the end "He told me if in my heart I believe that he would manage to get me to go to the restaurant so he can stare at her then I need to leave him." Again I see a guy who is passive aggressive? I do think I might be reading too much into this but you know, even weird perspective like this might help, even to exclude it.

    In general, yeah, it happens, and as great96 said, if he insists to going to that restaurant knowing that it makes you uncomfortable, then it might be an issue, not only because of the girl but most importantly that it shows that he might not be respecting your feelings as much as you think.

    I hate being in that position and I usually avoid bringing up "small" things like these but I'm realising now that it's human, both to be attracted to other people even when you're in a loving relationship and to feel insecure about your partner doing so. It's ok that you felt insecure and talked to him about it, don't feel bad about that, you seem like a reasonable person given that it was the first time you actually felt the need to confront him.

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    My baby is 15 months old. Iím 120 lbs lol. I did went on a diet and worked out my way back to my old weight. But still my body is not the same anymore. Yes. I have been dealing with insecurity. Not to be biased but Iím considered to be an attractive person. And my husband last night told me when he met me this wouldíve never been an issue because Iíve always been so confident and loved myself until now. He said he doesnít like me like this (insecure). I just feel different since I became a mom. Iím working on being confident again but itís hard when this type of things happen. I wish I could back to old me because heís right. I wouldíve never felt intimidated by that girls looks. I canít help but to feel betrayed or disappointed. Not sure what the word is but Iím very down about it that I even created this account to get peoples points of view. I thought I was going crazy

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    Yes. He said that heís never gonna ask me to go there. He said he only suggested we go there because Iíve been very stressed out with the baby and too all of this weíre fixing to go on a 2 week trip out of the country so Iíve been kinda busy with that. So since we usually go to only 2 restaurants around here and I said I didnít want to go to the Asian place he said he suggested the other one for me only. But I donít know..

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    Yes. He made it clear that we need to get out more. Iím a stay at home mom so heís been working extra for this trip weíre going on. So itís been rough because heís been working a lot. He said when we get back from the trip we need to make a schedule and leave the baby with his mom so we can do stuff. And he also wants the baby out of room because it has stopped us from cuddling and just being together in our bed like we used to.

  10. #9
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    I agree is normal. But since is the first time Iíve felt threatened I felt the need to confront him about it. Iím just very upset by it.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member thealchemist's Avatar
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    My wife went through a similar issue after our children so I imagine it is pretty normal.

    I am also a guy who honestly doesn't check out other woman. It isn't like I make a point to not it is just how I am.

    After our first child (3 yo) and again after our next (6 mo) there was a period where she was insecure and also accused me of this even though I did nothing.

    Until our daughter was 2 she was pretty insecure. She never was before, and she was like that again for about 3 months after our son was born.

    It was also at a Mexican restaurant coincidentally enough. I dislike pretty much any sport, but there was an intense MMA fight on and that actually holds my attention.

    She thought I was looking at an attractive waitress. When I said I was watching tv she called me out that I don't watch sports, and I explained it was a good fight. I don't think she really believed me until we talked about it later.

    She said she even has noticed me do it a few times to her and that is why we have gone to that restaurant a few time more frequently lately. I called BS on all of this.

    I also think I responded with a similar thing your husband said. Mine was "if you think that is something I would do then why are you with me?"

    That isn't passive aggressive, that is just aggressive. Not really much passivity about it.

    It did make me upset and I responded upset because that was something I wouldn't do and she really thought I did. She would have never jumped to that conclusion before kids so her questioning my loyalty really ticked me off.

    I cannot say if your husband is like me or not. But he sounds similar. So I would just say look at your entire relationship and not judge him for something out of character if you think there is a chance you are misreading it.

    If my wife kept getting so insecure it would really start to irk me. But luckily we talked it out a lot and she has been much better for awhile.

    We started eating a bit healthier and working out together and that helped.

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