Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 17

Thread: Mixed signals- did I ruin it even before it became anything?!

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    5

    Mixed signals- did I ruin it even before it became anything?!

    I have been speaking to a guy in the military who is from my area but stationed far away (different time zone) in the country for about 4 months now. We texted and FaceTimed daily until he had leave time to come see me (and other family) he was here for 2 weeks but ended up spending almost the entire 2 weeks with me.

    In the beginning we had the ďwhat is thisĒ convo everyday for the first few days. He told me he wants to date me/ we established we will only speak to each other/ he ended up saying ďwhat are we doing are we dating?!Ē In which I responded with I consider dating more serious (fb official, bf gf status, etc.) so he said thatís a little too soon but weíll see what happens. Heíd call me his gf and in a situation told me to call him my bf..

    HOWEVER after the first few days it got..strange, so I asked again for reassurance and he didnít like that and got weirded out (he has a past of getting freaked out with girls who ask a million times what they are or girls moving too fast) heíd say ďnothing changed if something changes Iíll tell youĒ yet over the 2 weeks here and there i did bring it up and brought up me going there to visit him just because it itched at me and I can tell he shyed away a bit, saying I sounded like his ex or he doesnít need to repeat himself, weíll figure out me going there to see him.. But I couldnít help it I got bad vibes here and there..
    Some moments heíd be all over me some moments he wouldnít even sit next to me on the couch, stopped holding my hand etc. yet some moments heíd be affectionate and great.

    On the way to the airport I HAD to bring it up again but I got my same answer.. that nothing changed yet the vibe still didnít feel right. He just got out of the car hugged me kissed me said Iíd see him soon and left. He texted me he missed me and Iíd see him soon and not to stress it.. but now it being a few days after he left heís not being flirty or cute, the convo is a little bland and Iím scared heís bored. I have backed off with the crazy because I saw how it freaks him out but I have a gut feeling he changed his mind and doesnít want this but is keeping me hanging on. I sent a flirty text last night and he did not reciprocate..

    It wasnít constant hounding him but while he was here yea I brought it up here and there and I can TELL it bothered him.. Iím trying my best to back off but I feel like a fool turning other men down saying Iím talking to someone when in my gut I donít feet like heís about it anymore and it will fade and Iíll look like a fool and Iíll never make it there to see him..

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Location
    Somewhere Out There
    Age
    37
    Posts
    1,741
    Gender
    Female
    Yeah time to cut your losses with this guy. I understand you got overly anxious wanting to know where it would lead. This guy sounds like he got turned off and warned you he doesnít move fast. Itís also possible he found someone and thatís why heís acting distant.

    If you feel unsettled in your gut listen to it. Plenty of other guys out there!

    Iíve been there before OP where I too got overly excited and anxious and scared the guy off. I wonít tell you to change what youíre doing. I will say that you will find someone who wonít get cold feet.

    In the end youíre better off then with someone who always runs.


    Lisa

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    3,593
    Gender
    Female
    I don't know why you started the hardest type of relationship there is--an LDR that started as one, versus two people established locally and having to do LDR for a time because of a career or university.

    He has ugly emotional baggage and expects and mentions how you're as bad as his exes. A person who lugs around emotional baggage isn't in a place to date. You didn't enjoy his company because he ran hot and cold. You didn't like his answers about your dating status. I don't know why you want to contemplate a future with him.

    I was a Navy wife. It's an extremely stressful life that often breaks, or at the very least, strains strong marriages. You can't even get to the blissful state that most new couples experience in the honeymoon stage.

    My advice is to delete this guy's contact info and date guys locally. It's far better to be able to date a guy at a normal pace to be able to see his life up close and personal over time, instead of the abnormal pace of an LDR when you will have no idea what the guy is doing hundreds or thousands of miles away while you sit around waiting for an unknown.

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    5
    I want to see where it goes with him. Before he left he told me not to stress it and that heíll see me soon. He still texts me every day that never stopped. Itís only been 3 days since he left and when he first got here he told me he wanted to date me. I donít know if Iím just over thinking this and heís a very unaffectionate person but Iím itching to ask him AGAIN what he wants because of my doubts but I feel like thatís what got me here in the first place.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,082
    So you made him mad (or uncomfortable) with your several "what are we?" questions...so your solution is to ask him YET AGAIN?

    How long is he deployed? Do you think several months or YEARS of this uncertainty is what you want?

  7. #6

    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    5
    Exactly Iím biting my tongue here. That is a personal flaw that I told him about that for some reason because of my past ty experiences that I do need reassurance, and he acknowledged that and told me something a long the lines of ďI know you want reassurance but this isnít your past relationships I donít think I need to repeat myself if something changes I would let you knowĒ

    Itís just the lack of repeated ďI miss yousĒ and affection make me feel like he doesnít want this, even though he said that he did, I canít tell if itís a gut feeling or my own anxiety (which as you can tell there is a lot)
    Iím scared heís keeping me hanging on despite what he has said about wanting to be with me and ďmaking a commitmentĒ to me as he said and is gonna do this till he finds someone else.

    Technically thereís nothing wrong with what has went down between us, yet I am so unhappy and eager for this guy and Iím filled with doubts that I might just be creating on my own?

    He is there for another year and a half and Iím currently in an internship program that is done at the same time.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,082
    An LDR that doesn't have a solid foundation is not the best choice for someone who admits to having relationship anxiety.

    Can you handle being anxious for another year and a half?

  9. #8

    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    5
    My anxiety is stemming from also the fact that I have this summer off, he kept saying ďwhen you come hereĒ and discussing me going there to see him since I have the time and before he left he said ďIíll see you soon donít stress itĒ yet we never made a set time for this to happen since he just took time off.

    I can do this for another year and a half if I have the peace of mind that he will want me to go see him (in my mind this solidifies the fact that he wants something with me) and I can comfortably go from there.

    I guess what Iím trying to get others opinions on is the whole his words vs his actions what an outsider thinks since Iím so back and forth with the fact that he isnít showing me he isnít serious about this but my gut is so filled with anxiety that Iím overthinking every little thing he does unfortunately.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,082
    So if he can't give you a "set time" immediately, and he doesn't give you the "peace of mind" you need (how is he to do this...by repeatedly assuring you over and over?), then what?

    If he's in the military, it might not be so easy for him to even know when he'll have time off. My friend whose husband is Air Force (American) was told he was deploying one month before it happened. They're not even sure how long he'll be gone because it can change.

    Again, trying to have this particular long distance relationship is not the best choice for someone who needs concrete assurances on a regular basis to avoid feeling anxious.

  11. #10

    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    5
    I have had a long distance relationship before.
    Because I am so worked up since he just left I canít tell if I am just making excuses as to why he isnít showering me with affection and reassurance or if heís playing me and I am being naive just believing his words and the fact he stayed with me for his entire stay when he didnít have to.

    He spoke about taking a week off in a week or so but never actually invited me. Just said ďweíll get you thereĒ and not to stress it...

    I agree this kind of long distance is driving me nuts but I donít know if itís my instincts or insecure anxiety.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •