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Mixed signals- did I ruin it even before it became anything?!


AP1105

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I have been speaking to a guy in the military who is from my area but stationed far away (different time zone) in the country for about 4 months now. We texted and FaceTimed daily until he had leave time to come see me (and other family) he was here for 2 weeks but ended up spending almost the entire 2 weeks with me.

 

In the beginning we had the “what is this” convo everyday for the first few days. He told me he wants to date me/ we established we will only speak to each other/ he ended up saying “what are we doing are we dating?!” In which I responded with I consider dating more serious (fb official, bf gf status, etc.) so he said that’s a little too soon but we’ll see what happens. He’d call me his gf and in a situation told me to call him my bf..

 

HOWEVER after the first few days it got..strange, so I asked again for reassurance and he didn’t like that and got weirded out (he has a past of getting freaked out with girls who ask a million times what they are or girls moving too fast) he’d say “nothing changed if something changes I’ll tell you” yet over the 2 weeks here and there i did bring it up and brought up me going there to visit him just because it itched at me and I can tell he shyed away a bit, saying I sounded like his ex or he doesn’t need to repeat himself, we’ll figure out me going there to see him.. But I couldn’t help it I got bad vibes here and there..

Some moments he’d be all over me some moments he wouldn’t even sit next to me on the couch, stopped holding my hand etc. yet some moments he’d be affectionate and great.

 

On the way to the airport I HAD to bring it up again but I got my same answer.. that nothing changed yet the vibe still didn’t feel right. He just got out of the car hugged me kissed me said I’d see him soon and left. He texted me he missed me and I’d see him soon and not to stress it.. but now it being a few days after he left he’s not being flirty or cute, the convo is a little bland and I’m scared he’s bored. I have backed off with the crazy because I saw how it freaks him out but I have a gut feeling he changed his mind and doesn’t want this but is keeping me hanging on. I sent a flirty text last night and he did not reciprocate..

 

It wasn’t constant hounding him but while he was here yea I brought it up here and there and I can TELL it bothered him.. I’m trying my best to back off but I feel like a fool turning other men down saying I’m talking to someone when in my gut I don’t feet like he’s about it anymore and it will fade and I’ll look like a fool and I’ll never make it there to see him..

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Yeah time to cut your losses with this guy. I understand you got overly anxious wanting to know where it would lead. This guy sounds like he got turned off and warned you he doesn’t move fast. It’s also possible he found someone and that’s why he’s acting distant.

 

If you feel unsettled in your gut listen to it. Plenty of other guys out there!

 

I’ve been there before OP where I too got overly excited and anxious and scared the guy off. I won’t tell you to change what you’re doing. I will say that you will find someone who won’t get cold feet.

 

In the end you’re better off then with someone who always runs.

 

 

Lisa

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I don't know why you started the hardest type of relationship there is--an LDR that started as one, versus two people established locally and having to do LDR for a time because of a career or university.

 

He has ugly emotional baggage and expects and mentions how you're as bad as his exes. A person who lugs around emotional baggage isn't in a place to date. You didn't enjoy his company because he ran hot and cold. You didn't like his answers about your dating status. I don't know why you want to contemplate a future with him.

 

I was a Navy wife. It's an extremely stressful life that often breaks, or at the very least, strains strong marriages. You can't even get to the blissful state that most new couples experience in the honeymoon stage.

 

My advice is to delete this guy's contact info and date guys locally. It's far better to be able to date a guy at a normal pace to be able to see his life up close and personal over time, instead of the abnormal pace of an LDR when you will have no idea what the guy is doing hundreds or thousands of miles away while you sit around waiting for an unknown.

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I want to see where it goes with him. Before he left he told me not to stress it and that he’ll see me soon. He still texts me every day that never stopped. It’s only been 3 days since he left and when he first got here he told me he wanted to date me. I don’t know if I’m just over thinking this and he’s a very unaffectionate person but I’m itching to ask him AGAIN what he wants because of my doubts but I feel like that’s what got me here in the first place.

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Exactly I’m biting my tongue here. That is a personal flaw that I told him about that for some reason because of my past ty experiences that I do need reassurance, and he acknowledged that and told me something a long the lines of “I know you want reassurance but this isn’t your past relationships I don’t think I need to repeat myself if something changes I would let you know”

 

It’s just the lack of repeated “I miss yous” and affection make me feel like he doesn’t want this, even though he said that he did, I can’t tell if it’s a gut feeling or my own anxiety (which as you can tell there is a lot)

I’m scared he’s keeping me hanging on despite what he has said about wanting to be with me and “making a commitment” to me as he said and is gonna do this till he finds someone else.

 

Technically there’s nothing wrong with what has went down between us, yet I am so unhappy and eager for this guy and I’m filled with doubts that I might just be creating on my own?

 

He is there for another year and a half and I’m currently in an internship program that is done at the same time.

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My anxiety is stemming from also the fact that I have this summer off, he kept saying “when you come here” and discussing me going there to see him since I have the time and before he left he said “I’ll see you soon don’t stress it” yet we never made a set time for this to happen since he just took time off.

 

I can do this for another year and a half if I have the peace of mind that he will want me to go see him (in my mind this solidifies the fact that he wants something with me) and I can comfortably go from there.

 

I guess what I’m trying to get others opinions on is the whole his words vs his actions what an outsider thinks since I’m so back and forth with the fact that he isn’t showing me he isn’t serious about this but my gut is so filled with anxiety that I’m overthinking every little thing he does unfortunately.

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So if he can't give you a "set time" immediately, and he doesn't give you the "peace of mind" you need (how is he to do this...by repeatedly assuring you over and over?), then what?

 

If he's in the military, it might not be so easy for him to even know when he'll have time off. My friend whose husband is Air Force (American) was told he was deploying one month before it happened. They're not even sure how long he'll be gone because it can change.

 

Again, trying to have this particular long distance relationship is not the best choice for someone who needs concrete assurances on a regular basis to avoid feeling anxious.

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I have had a long distance relationship before.

Because I am so worked up since he just left I can’t tell if I am just making excuses as to why he isn’t showering me with affection and reassurance or if he’s playing me and I am being naive just believing his words and the fact he stayed with me for his entire stay when he didn’t have to.

 

He spoke about taking a week off in a week or so but never actually invited me. Just said “we’ll get you there” and not to stress it...

 

I agree this kind of long distance is driving me nuts but I don’t know if it’s my instincts or insecure anxiety.

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I want to see where it goes with him. Before he left he told me not to stress it and that he’ll see me soon. He still texts me every day that never stopped. It’s only been 3 days since he left and when he first got here he told me he wanted to date me. I don’t know if I’m just over thinking this and he’s a very unaffectionate person but I’m itching to ask him AGAIN what he wants because of my doubts but I feel like that’s what got me here in the first place.

 

Wait. You're gonna ask him the question again when the guy has made it clear to stop asking. I apologize, but I'm not him my skin is crawling at the same repetitive question. You last asked him this question right before he left, he even told you if anything changes, he'll let you know.

Don't ask him that question again for now.

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I have learned that there are no such things as Mixed Signals, there are only soft "no's." The reason I say this is that if someone is hot/cold and you're doing all of the work, they, for WHATEVER reason (and it may have nothing to do with you) aren't all in and it's best to move on. This guy might have some issues with intimacy that you might have realized down the line and he got freaked out with the idea of you guys being closer OR you may have some attachment issues where you need constant reassurance (I get this myself). I recommend you read the book, "Attached" as it will help you understand yourself and how to spot ppl who may not be emotionally available. I'm speaking from experience...you don't need to do everything in a relationship and when someone isn't responding, you need to move on.

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Personally, I think you did too much damage for it to go any further.

 

It's annoying being asked constantly and you turned him right off. Especially if he already told you he didn't like that and you kept on.

 

That guy is long gone and he's not looking back.

 

It;s best you let it go and don't make the same mistakes with the next guy.

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I agree with Sherry and moving forward, it's ok that you feel anxious, no one should fault you for that but what is important is that you don't burden your partner with it by constantly seeking reassurance.

 

It can become a vicious cycle -- you get anxious, seek reassurance, he becomes annoyed at that which causes you to become more anxious, seeking more reassurance, making him more annoyed, rinse, repeat.

 

Learn to manage your anxiety on your own, for me, I do yoga and sometimes go running.

 

I'm sorry but as Sherry said, I think you have pushed him to the point of no return.

 

But lesson learned for next guy.

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