LDR - Will he come back?

[mecastillo1987]

I wish I read this message sooner. Thank you for the advice.

I ended up responding politely to my ex's dad, saying that I was dealing with things as best I could even though it's been difficult, but I also thanked him for supporting our relationship. (We were relatively close because he also used to videochat/talk to me a lot during my visits.)

He responded hours later with, "I don't know what happened. But (ex's name) hasn't been himself these last few days. He's broken, hurting. I caught him doing this tonight." And then he attached a picture (taken from behind) of my ex hunched over a bar table, taking pebbles from a decorative pot and putting them together in front of him to make a heart figure. His hair was longer than usual and he lost weight.

I couldn't reply anymore. Seeing that picture of him wasn't anticipated. I know his dad meant no harm. He truly supported us as a couple before. But my emotions came flooding back in and I suddenly felt a this wave of intense pain in my heart. I burst into tears and cried for two hours afterwards.

In the first hour of crying, it took every fiber of strength in me not to reach out to him and comfort him.

[MissCanuck]

Dad is now interfering where he shouldn't be. Sending you a message like that and a photo was completely unnecessary.

Your ex doesn't need your comfort. Remember that. This was his choice, and there's no way of knowing if making pebble-heart art is because he's sad about the break-up or has something else on his mind that isn't related to you at all.

You also concede that he has tried to end it before. He probably feels bad for hurting you, but he was already on his way out the door.

[mecastillo1987]

Yes, thank you. After a while I told myself he could just be 'hurting' as a necessary process for (hurting me, and) moving on; and not necessarily because he wants to get back together.

It's been a little over a month since the break up, and 2 weeks since No Contact. I am able to function as normally as I possibly can on the outside. Inside, I still miss him. I've been reading a lot about codependency and learning about my attachment issues. I turn to music and a lot of meditation to help with my anxiety. I have yet to enrich myself physically by getting a gym membership. I'm scared of dating but have been open to the idea of testing out the waters locally as everyone had advised. *sigh*

[MissCanuck]

I wouldn't worry about dating right now. It won't go well when your heart is still with your ex.

Keep doing the other things you've mentioned though, to help you heal. Time is the true cure, but the other activities will help make the journey a little less rough.

[mecastillo1987]

It's been a while... Thank you, everyone, sincerely for your guidance on here. I'm doing MUCH better now, although something happened three days ago that rocked me off my balance. My bestfriend of 15 years (since college) died suddenly. She was confined at the hospital, went into the ICU and died the following evening. I am in deep pain and grief once more. My eyes are puffy while typing this.

My ex reached out saying he heard about it (possibly through my sister's social media) and that he was "so incredibly sorry" for my loss. (He knew how much my bestfriend meant to me, especially during the long distance periods) He then said "if I need someone to talk to" or "if there was anything he could do", he wrote, "I am here."

I was surprised to have received that and was going to type out "Thank you. I appreciate it" and hit send. But I stopped myself suddenly, just because No Contact has been pounded into my head so often. Before my bestfriend died, I was doing really well. I was meeting people casually and getting my confidence back. I am VERY certain my ex is sincere about wanting to express his condolences and be there, but I'm just a little ... concerned about the outcome of things if I reply? Not sure if that makes sense.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Schedule some grief counselling and/or look up grief support groups through local hospitals/churches. You don't need a manipulative ex at this point.

[reinventmyself]

but I'm just a little ... concerned about the outcome of things if I reply? Not sure if that makes sense.

The outcome is in your control. You need to keep repeating that to yourself
I would respond. It's the decent thing to do at a time like this. A simple thank you is sufficient.

If he attempts to push the door open further you need to trust your resolve that you are strong enough to handle it.
If not, then you really need to dig deep as to why you feel so afraid and don't think you have what it takes to control your end.
Consider it a test and see if you pass. Then reward yourself when you do.

I am deeply sorry about your friend*

[mecastillo1987]

I agree... I feel as if I'm strong enough with my resolve to move on. I've done all the necessary (preliminary) work and am still in the process if building myself back up with discipline and patience. (It's only been less than 2 months since the break-up.)

I suppose what made the whole situation a little tricky again was being thrown back to the sudden pangs of grief and vulnerability with my bestfriend's passing. She was one of the reasons I was able to work on myself more. We hung out and spoke constantly after my break up. I'm still reeling from the pain and suddenness of losing her, which has also made me, to a huge degree, forget about my ex. Until he reached out yesterday.

I likewise know that responding politely to my ex would be the right thing to do. Thank you for telling me how to go about it mentally and emotionally.

(I also want to prove to my bestfriend that all her time and effort spent on helping me heal will not be in vain.)