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Friend problem


Eliza50

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I've posted about her before. She's an old time friend (and colleague) with impossibly high standards.

 

Three months ago, out of the blue, over a cup for coffee, she started complaining about many things I 'do wrong' according to her, some of them about her, some of them stuff like what time I go to bed, why don't I stay out late, why do I prefer emails over phone and so on...for over an hour.

We patched things up (I had apologised for some of it, mainly because she was very upset and there was no way we could have a normal discussion but also because I felt she was right about some of it) but, now, once more, I think she's upset with me.

 

I have no idea why (I've probably said something that annoyed her? I can't think of anything) and for the last 2 weeks she's been acting weird. She's been declining all my suggestions to meet, even when they include other friends (we usually hang out with a married couple, the husband is also our colleague and we've all known each other for like 20 years and the wife has also become a friend).

 

Last Sunday, we were both invited to a party and she barely said 5 words to me and those were just to ask how my family is. I told her that the couple and I are thinking of going to the beach next Saturday and would she like to come, she said I don't think I can make it, I said oh, do you have plans and she said yeah but I can't tell you right now (what does that even mean?).

 

So, it's not like she's stopped talking to me but she's been acting like she wants to keep her distance.

 

Do I ask her what's wrong or do I give up on her? I'm more inclined towards the second option because this is a person who has stopped being friends with people for the silliest reasons (I know of at least 6 people she's done that to), she takes everything personally and like it's an attack on her.

 

Also, what do I tell our common friends, if anything? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

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I don't plan on talking behind her back but that couple already asked last week (I had invited her again, she had said no again) and I said she's told me she has other plans. If it happens again, they're bound to ask if there's something wrong since we four have been going places together for years. I'm not sure how to handle this. Should I tell them to ask her themselves? The thing is that beach going was my idea in the first place, (last week, too), so, I should be the one asking people. It's a tricky situation.

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For your mutual friends - I would simply say “yeah, I don’t know. She’s been super busy lately”. I mean... that’s what she has been telling you. So, I would take her at her word.

 

As for her, I would give her space and let her initiate.

 

I doubt your friendship is over, actually because it seems she was complaining about silly things. She probably just needs some space to miss you.

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I would stop inviting her to events, apparently she wants to keep her distance, for whatever reasons. You don’t need friends that make you anxious and keep you wondering if you said something annoying. If your common friends start asking questions, I’d tell them to ask themselves.

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I don't plan on talking behind her back but that couple already asked last week (I had invited her again, she had said no again) and I said she's told me she has other plans. If it happens again, they're bound to ask if there's something wrong since we four have been going places together for years. I'm not sure how to handle this. Should I tell them to ask her themselves? The thing is that beach going was my idea in the first place, (last week, too), so, I should be the one asking people. It's a tricky situation.

 

It's not your job to answer for someone else's availability. I'd simply say, "Thanks for asking. I've extended our invitation to [HerName] and haven't heard back. I've just texted you her number if you'd like to follow up with her."

 

As for pressing this person for friendship, I'd ask myself what's in that for me--more criticism and a walk on eggshells? Anyone who'd ambush me on an outing with a litany of complaints would be met with a gentle interruption, "HerName, how about if you boil this down to telling me what your specific issue is with me and how you'd like for me to address it with you?"

 

If she launches into stuff about my private life, I'd interrupt again. "Let me stop you there. I'm getting lost in the details of stuff that isn't relevant to you. If you have a specific issue that you'd like me to address with you now, please tell me what that is."

 

Given that you're past that convo, I'd consider what you gain from dealing with the person and how valuable her interactions are to you. I'd keep drilling until I get to a bottom line answer. Then I'd decide whether her toxicity is worth that price.

 

Speaking only for myself, my private goal in relationships is to find at least one common point of synergy and to enjoy building one another UP and bringing out the best in one another. Anyone who isn't up for that doesn't need to be written off as an enemy, but I'm certainly not going to extend my valuable time to them.

 

I'd skip bridge burning, but I'd also skip this person. If she ever steps up to meet on higher ground someday, maybe we can do that, but as things stand now, I'd be relieved to walk away.

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When I read the part about her complaining about what time you go to bed I was thinking "why keep a friend like this around?"

 

I would strengthen the good friendships you do have (even with the mutual friends) and let her do her own thing. From what you wrote she sounds very high maintenance, controlling and a drama queen. I would bet she is pulling away so you will chase after her begging her to tell you what you did wrong.

 

Keep inviting her for a while and if you keep getting the same excuses simply stop inviting her little by little.

 

She probably got butt hurt over something trivial that happened so let her live that drama by herself.

 

Lost

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If it was me I probably wouldn't bother with her anymore. She has acted quite judgmental and made you feel bad about things that are frankly none of her business. It is none of her concern what time you go to bed and why you don't stay out late. You don't have to apologise for that at all. You've been making an effort towards her and she's been shutting you down. She obviously doesn't care about your friendship that much. I think you should just focus on your other good friends like the married couple.

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I don't plan on talking behind her back but that couple already asked last week (I had invited her again, she had said no again) and I said she's told me she has other plans. If it happens again, they're bound to ask if there's something wrong since we four have been going places together for years. I'm not sure how to handle this. Should I tell them to ask her themselves? The thing is that beach going was my idea in the first place, (last week, too), so, I should be the one asking people. It's a tricky situation.

 

If they ask again, you simply tell them that you haven't spoken to her much lately. DOn't tell them to ask her, that is petty. Simply tell them that you haven't spoken much.

 

I don't think your friendship is over, but I do think that you need some time at a distance. Friendships change (I have learned this in a big way recently). There are probably other things that are affecting her attitude and yours. Be kind to her, but give her space.

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First of all, you shouldn't have apologized for what time you go to bed, why you don't stay out late and why you prefer emails over the phone. You can explain calmly about why but you're not under any obligation to apologize for your personal preferences. You don't have to defend yourself either. Since she's an old time friend and colleague, I would've said, "I go to bed at such an hour so I can get up early. I don't stay out late because I'm tired, need my sleep and prefer to stay on my sleep schedule. I prefer emails because typing on a keyboard is easier than a cell phone and I can explain myself better." Something to that effect as an example. Or, you don't owe her nor anyone any explanation and just tell her it's just your comfortable preference and leave it at that. She's crossing her bounds with you and it's disrespectful to pry. She needs to enroll in a 'Manners 101' class.

 

If she's acting weird and declining to meet with you, then leave her alone. You back off. She's a big girl and can take care of herself. She'll either come around eventually or let her actions speak louder than words as she continues to distance herself from you. Take a hint and get her message. Don't bother.

 

If she acts aloof, then just act natural. Be cordial but not chummy close. Be kind but safely distant. This is what I do in uncomfortable situations, if I'm with people I'm not particular fond of anymore or if I truly do not respect them permanently.

 

Your main goal is to maintain peace. Remain civil at all times, don't get emotional because it will cloud your judgment and cause you to be impulsive which you'll regret later. Exercise self control. You can't control others but you can control yourself always. Think before you speak and act always.

 

Asking her what's wrong depends on if you're in the mood for her drama and have patience for back 'n forth correspondence which is tiresome and ultimately relentless. Since you know her track record of alienating others for the silliest reasons, consider it your knowledge. You know how she is. She sounds like a drama queen, takes everything personally, thinks it's all about her, thinks everyone is attacking her and she is selfish. You need to steer clear. No sense continuing a friendship with her if you have to walk on eggshells all the time.

 

Since you and your friend have mutual friends, don't tell your friends anything. Remain neutral, play it safe, never bad mouth her nor anybody and just enjoy your friendships with others. If friends pry, ask your friends to direct their questions to your friend. You stay out of it. Don't get involved. Stay out of trouble.

 

Since she's a colleague as well, tread lightly. Remain cordial and professional; no more no less. Be careful with this one. Beware.

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Thanks for the advice everyone.

 

I've talked to the couple and fixed plans for Saturday without mentioning her at all. I found it strange that they didn't ask about her and I wonder if she's told them that she's upset with me or something but I'm not going to ask.

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Don't ask, don't tell. Keep your mouth shut. Be a nice person, never gossip and treat everyone with respect even if you don't like them. This is called 'playing it safe.' Always behave with integrity and you will be fine.

 

Always behave honorably and there will be nothing to fret about. You've got this.

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The couple and I finally decided to go to the beach today and we did. They asked me about her and I told them I had seen her last Sunday, that we hadn't talked much and she had said she would be busy (of course, that was about Saturday, not Friday but they left it at that).

 

So, we went to the beach and guess who was there. This is a beach that we all used to go together, so, it wasn't strange that she would be there, too. I saw her as I was coming out of the water, she said 'hello', I said hello back and we talked for maybe 2 minutes. She did the same with the couple. She was with a friend of hers, sitting very close to us but she never came over to talk.

 

Noone said anything, we all acted like this was normal although it wasn't normal at all. Anyway, I'm not even sure this is about me anymore. Today it seemed like she wants distance from all of us, God knows what has annoyed her.

 

Anyway, I'm not going to worry about her any more. I'll let you know if anything changes.

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The couple and I finally decided to go to the beach today and we did. They asked me about her and I told them I had seen her last Sunday, that we hadn't talked much and she had said she would be busy (of course, that was about Saturday, not Friday but they left it at that).

 

So, we went to the beach and guess who was there. This is a beach that we all used to go together, so, it wasn't strange that she would be there, too. I saw her as I was coming out of the water, she said 'hello', I said hello back and we talked for maybe 2 minutes. She did the same with the couple. She was with a friend of hers, sitting very close to us but she never came over to talk.

 

Noone said anything, we all acted like this was normal although it wasn't normal at all. Anyway, I'm not even sure this is about me anymore. Today it seemed like she wants distance from all of us, God knows what has annoyed her.

 

Anyway, I'm not going to worry about her any more. I'll let you know if anything changes.

 

Sounds good Eliza50. Just remain polite, civil and peaceful. At work, remain professional, polite, diplomatic and again, peaceful.

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