Life in the Driver’s Seat (extended)

I'm glad you had a safe trip.

 

How is your mom doing?

My mom is ok but very stressed that I had to come . She has a migraine now and throwing up. But I only got out at her building and talked to her and my step dad in their lobby for about half an hour. And then I headed back home and didn’t stop. Omg did I have to peeeeeeeeee 🤯😳

One of my daycare families called me begging me to take their child Because they’re trying to get pregnant right now and have to go to their IVF appointment and she will have to drive three hours to Ottawa every second day for two weeks to be monitored. I thought what the hell who wants to get pregnant right now.

It's amazing to me to see so many people just carrying on with their lives as though there isn't a pandemic. On one hand, that seems healthy, right? To have the mindset that things will be OK and that life must go on. On the other hand, I can't see that pretending it ISN'T happening is a good idea either.

Are you ready to re-open your daycare? I would imagine your parents would feel safer having their children with you, but do you feel comfortable taking the children knowing their parents are going out into the world?

Sorry to hear your mom isn't feeling well. I hope she feels better soon.

I would be crazy to say I wasn’t nervous. In my province it is legal for me to open because I’m an unlicensed day home. Right now the licensed ones are not able to open unless for emergency workers. However there are a lot of stringent rules coming in. Health Checks are mandatory upon entry, I have to take each child’s temperature every hour , I have to wear a mask around the children. Children are not allowed to play with the same toys. Everything must be cleaned and sanitized every single day and every few hours depending. Etc etc.

But even though the province says I can be open the Military does not want home business on base right now. So I told the mom to keep her mouth shut.

My last stimulus cheque is next week and then I will be forced to work whether I like it or not.

Nope, never going back.

Nope, never going back.

Are you OK?

Are you OK?

Yes, I am good. Today isn’t bad we are outside working on the play structure. I will post a pic when done. I have to pick up my anxiety prescription because there is no delivery on the weekends.

I am just afraid to ever go back to the US when I see people defying orders, out all over the place, mass protests of thousands of people for Covid and other issues,rampant violence. It sets off my PTSD and it makes me never want to come again. My husband says I am ridiculous, but for other countries looking in it’s terrifying. And I love the American people so it is sad.

It's not nationwide. Yes, there are issues for sure. But in my part of the country we are all pretty much peacefully co-existing. Not everyone is wearing masks when walking outside, but we are all REQUIRED to wear masks inside any retail establishment or when picking up takeout food. There are a few ignorant people (like the guy who tried to get into the checkout line in front of me when I was keeping 6 feet of distance...he didn't know why I was standing back so far! Well, duh! But that was ignorance, not willful disregard IMO) and of course pockets of people who insist requiring masks violate their civil rights but it's not everyone despite what the news might show. Same with the protests. It's not everyone, just some areas.

People are frustrated and frightened and angry. And sadly, our national leadership is not stepping up in a strong manner but many state leaders are stepping up in a good way.

But, you don't have to visit until you are ready. The good people will still be here :)

Have to stop watching the news I can feel my internal panic ratcheting up.

Have to stop watching the news I can feel my internal panic ratcheting up.

I never watch that crap. It pollutes my mind.

Have to stop watching the news I can feel my internal panic ratcheting up.

For sure, happens to me too.

I set aside a little time each day to get basic updates on what's going on, then that's it.

I have a few " cute happy" things on my feed too so I get a daily dose of something nice after reading news.

And I avoid people going off giving opinions about controversial things. That makes me so stressed, and unheard, so forget it.

I can't wait to see the play structure! Great project, and going to make a lot of kids happy.

I have my garden now to go to when anxiety creeps up, and going to plant fruit trees this year. Lots of outside stuff to do now that it is nice out, thank god.

I never watch that crap. It pollutes my mind.

True. I need to watch less. It is just that my husband is an extremely avid news watcher. He was raised in a very news, politically focussed family, me not so much. But my husband is very very political. I would forever have to be in my bedroom to avoid the news.

For sure, happens to me too.

I set aside a little time each day to get basic updates on what's going on, then that's it.

I have a few " cute happy" things on my feed too so I get a daily dose of something nice after reading news.

And I avoid people going off giving opinions about controversial things. That makes me so stressed, and unheard, so forget it.

 

I can't wait to see the play structure! Great project, and going to make a lot of kids happy.

I have my garden now to go to when anxiety creeps up, and going to plant fruit trees this year. Lots of outside stuff to do now that it is nice out, thank god.

Yeah ,I just want little snippets of information like financial stuff ,how the province is going to open, those kinds of things. But my husband likes the news in all it’s gory glory. But the past week has just been so distressing on the news. My husband cant ever understand how I am an avid horror movie watcher but can’t watch reality.

I can’t wait for the play structure to be done too!! I am pretty excited. I think the kids are going to love it too. Would love to have a garden and the Housing Authority has just pretty much said we are allowed to have them now.

I don't have TV service set up in my new apartment yet so I have been rewatching some of my DVDs. When I perused my DVD library I realized 95% of them are horror movies. I usually love scary movies but right now the real world is scaring me enough. I had to really search my collection to find something that wasn't a horror movie. Last night was James Bond.

Once I feel comfortable doing so I will visit the nursery to find plants for my very small balcony. I can grow things here!

I'm sure gardening will be a lot of fun for you! I love to garden too although I am not good at it.

It is just that my husband is an extremely avid news watcher.

I would forever have to be in my bedroom to avoid the news.

I understand. I grew up in a household where my mom kept the TV on all day, just for 'background noise." That in itself stressed me out, believe it or not, even though it wasn't all news.

When I moved out, I took my TV, but I never hooked it up. I couldn't bring myself to disturb the quiet. The lack of constant chatter, the lack of commercials vying for my attention, was so peaceful.

I still don't have my TV 'properly' hooked up, and when I visit my mom or my sister and the constant yammer of their respective television sets BOY can I feel the stress ratchet up!

When I visit my stepmother it can get even worse, because she blasts the news! Uggghh!!! Then she gets all amped up....But thankfully, she hardly has the TV on. Usually, she only indulges at the end of the night.

Anyway, when I'm stuck in those situations, I often excuse myself to a quiet place where I can hear my own thoughts. There is no other escape.

When I perused my DVD library I realized 95% of them are horror movies. I usually love scary movies but right now the real world is scaring me enough. I had to really search my collection to find something that wasn't a horror movie.

I used to watch a lot of true crime shows when I was growing up. They're so engrossing!

But at some point, I realized that they weren't doing anything good for my mental health.

It was so long ago that I can't remember exactly how I came to that conclusion.

But I know it during a time when I was experiencing a lot of anxiety, and this awful sleeplessness.... I'd get to sleep and wake up in the middle of the night by feelings of intense dread.... It was torturous.

I never had nightmares about the programs.... I really enjoyed them, actually. But I figured it couldn't be helping me to introduce horror stories into my mind.

So, I began to avoid programming that was based on violence. I still don't really indulge.

I don't have TV service set up in my new apartment yet so I have been rewatching some of my DVDs. When I perused my DVD library I realized 95% of them are horror movies. I usually love scary movies but right now the real world is scaring me enough. I had to really search my collection to find something that wasn't a horror movie. Last night was James Bond.

 

Once I feel comfortable doing so I will visit the nursery to find plants for my very small balcony. I can grow things here!

 

I'm sure gardening will be a lot of fun for you! I love to garden too although I am not good at it.

Yeah ,I haven’t watched any horror movies right now either. The apocalypse happening outside is enough.

Right now it’s too late to put in a vegetable garden by a couple weeks because it wouldn’t have enough time to grow. Canada has such a small growing season. But I will be able to next year. I want to get the big garden boxes my husband can actually make me one and do it as like something to do with the kids. I was going to do that this year with the kids too. I think it’s important to teach them to grow their own food. Back when we had our own place we always had a garden. We started teaching our son when he was three how to plant and to maintain a vegetable garden. I doubt he remembers now because we’ve been here 10 years next month. We left our other home when he was 12. I got my love of gardening from my dad who in turn got it from his father. Ha! I remember something good my dad taught me!

I understand. I grew up in a household where my mom kept the TV on all day, just for 'background noise." That in itself stressed me out, believe it or not, even though it wasn't all news.

 

When I moved out, I took my TV, but I never hooked it up. I couldn't bring myself to disturb the quiet. The lack of constant chatter, the lack of commercials vying for my attention, was so peaceful.

 

I still don't have my TV 'properly' hooked up, and when I visit my mom or my sister and the constant yammer of their respective television sets BOY can I feel the stress ratchet up!

 

When I visit my stepmother it can get even worse, because she blasts the news! Uggghh!!! Then she gets all amped up....But thankfully, she hardly has the TV on. Usually, she only indulges at the end of the night.

 

Anyway, when I'm stuck in those situations, I often excuse myself to a quiet place where I can hear my own thoughts. There is no other escape.

 

 

 

I used to watch a lot of true crime shows when I was growing up. They're so engrossing!

 

But at some point, I realized that they weren't doing anything good for my mental health.

 

It was so long ago that I can't remember exactly how I came to that conclusion.

 

But I know it during a time when I was experiencing a lot of anxiety, and this awful sleeplessness.... I'd get to sleep and wake up in the middle of the night by feelings of intense dread.... It was torturous.

 

I never had nightmares about the programs.... I really enjoyed them, actually. But I figured it couldn't be helping me to introduce horror stories into my mind.

 

So, I began to avoid programming that was based on violence. I still don't really indulge.

That’s the thing my husband grew up in a very loud household where his father had the TV on constantly his mother had the radio on at the same time whereas my son and I are terrorized by constant noise. The second my husband wakes up he blasts his phone on the news while he’s in the shower so that he can hear it. Well, the shower wall is right next to my son’s head while he’s sleeping. My bedroom is just across the hall.

Even while he’s listening to the news on TV he’s playing a different station on his phone. I have to tell him how the competing noise is so grating on my nerves. He says due to his ADHD he has to have things blasting or annoying so that he can concentrate. He concentrates by tuning out other things. For me it’s almost like having a heart attack. When he’s not here and I just have the daycare I play the nature station on TV which has beautiful soft sounds.

I think my viewing of dark things comes from the abuse of my childhood I really do. But I can’t watch horrible things that are real because as an empath and having PTSD I just can’t stomach it. I can’t see people being cruel to each other I just can’t tolerate it. That’s like my system completely overloads and melts down.

He says due to his ADHD he has to have things blasting or annoying so that he can concentrate.

Well, I have ADHD and it's very much the opposite for me!

I admit that sometimes noise does help me to concentrate through monotonous tasks because they are mechanical and boring and it keeps my mind occupied.

But if I have to use my brain for something, or if I'm just relaxing, I need quiet.

Doesn't have to be total silence. I like to have the windows open to have the neighborhood sounds come in.

I think my viewing of dark things comes from the abuse of my childhood I really do. But I can’t watch horrible things that are real because as an empath and having PTSD I just can’t stomach it. I can’t see people being cruel to each other I just can’t tolerate it. That’s like my system completely overloads and melts down.

That makes a lot of sense, given your history. And this probably sounds weird but honestly I think that yours is a very appropriate reaction. It can't be good that many of us have become desensitized to violence and horror.

Well, I have ADHD and it's very much the opposite for me!

 

I admit that sometimes noise does help me to concentrate through monotonous tasks because they are mechanical and boring and it keeps my mind occupied.

 

But if I have to use my brain for something, or if I'm just relaxing, I need quiet.

 

Doesn't have to be total silence. I like to have the windows open to have the neighborhood sounds come in.

 

 

 

That makes a lot of sense, given your history. And this probably sounds weird but honestly I think that yours is a very appropriate reaction. It can't be good that many of us have become desensitized to violence and horror.

I think part is my upbringing. I wasn’t allowed to watch anything not child based or controversy or anything overstimulating on TV until I was it least 16 years old . My mom didn’t believe in that. She wanted innocent kids. Yet our home life was a horror show on its own. Strange dichotomy . My mom is a very peaceful and peace loving person . My father ,totally objectionable causing havoc and chaos and in cases violence. I am overall pretty peaceful unless someone gets in my face . So I think for my generation I am reaction appropriate. Our generation had less TV available. But as an empath real violence of people on people is totally abhorrent.

I vote we keep our boarder closed to non essential travel into the new year. Covid is here for a while.

I am working on another crocheted piece. It is a dress this time. Crochet helps keep my hand working the one that I broke in the Fall. If I don’t keep doing intricate work with it when I wake up in the morning my last two fingers won’t even bend when I wake up. I have to physically bend them and move them around before they will work . And their level of movement become seriously compromised if I don’t keep them working . Don’t break your hands people especially more than once .

Oh that's awesome you are allowed to plant now Seraphim, and that you have a balcony you can grow on Bolt.

I know just what you mean about memories of gardening, and how great it is for kids to learn and have the opportunity ( I 100% agree. ).

Oh that's awesome you are allowed to plant now Seraphim, and that you have a balcony you can grow on Bolt.

I know just what you mean about memories of gardening, and how great it is for kids to learn and have the opportunity ( I 100% agree. ).

Absolutely, I totally believe in learning how to grow your own food learning to make your own clothing learning to do you know repair your car whatever it is. Home Ec and Shop and all those things need to go back into the curriculum.

Getting seriously terrified as now protests are taking place in Canada.

How do I sleep at night? Visualization. I have built a post apocalyptic community in my head. We live out deep deep in the forest and we have built an entire compound where all our families some strangers and people I know live in an inter-connected series of houses. There are underground connections and we are entirely self-sufficient. The entire compound is protected by fencing that is 50 feet high it reaches across the top and goes 30 feet into the ground. I visualize that and understand safety.

I woke a bit last night with a panic attack. I went to sleep last night at 4:30 in the morning after finishing my crochet project .