Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 4 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 31 to 40 of 44

Thread: Planning to end it all on my next birthday, can't keep doing this anymore.

  1. #31
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    70
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    "Meds won't bring me the love of my life for instance." This sounds like you are looking for someone to complete you.
    It's going to make me very happy. Simple as that. What's so wrong with that? Like I said I am not going to change my mind so please stop pressing this subject. My situation isn't just about a girlfriend anyway, that's just a part of my problems.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,523
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    "Meds won't bring me the love of my life for instance."
    Actually, meds might bring you the love of your life lone, indirectly.

    The meds will balance out your brain chemistry, and alleviate your depressive state.

    I should know I've been on several!

    Exercise does the same thing, but on a smaller scale -- it increases serotonin levels in your brain and also raises endorphin levels, all of which affect your mood in positive ways.

    So, what does this have to do with meeting the love of your life? You're in a happier place mentally, your energy is positive, and when you're happy and your vibe is positive, it's a known fact this will attract people, women, which increases your chances of meeting that one special person, the love of your life as you refer to her.

    And once you do meet her, your positive energy will draw her close, ideally.

    It sure beats sitting around feeling depressed and contemplating killing yourself, don't you think?

  3. #33
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    70
    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Actually, meds might bring you the love of your life lone, indirectly.

    The meds will balance out your brain chemistry, and alleviate your depressive state.

    I should know I've been on several!

    Exercise does the same thing, it increases serotonin levles in your brain and also raises endorphin levels, all of which affect your mood in positive ways.

    So, what does this have to do with meeting the love of your life? You're in a happier place mentally, your energy is positive, and when you're happy and your vibe is positive, it's a known fact this will attract people, women, which increases your chances for meeting that one special person, the love of your life as you refer to her.
    Yeah but I am afraid this is as good as it gets for my meds. Anything else just made it worse, right now I am using the best possible med with the best possible dosage for me. So there is simply no other choice for me at this point when it comes to meds I am afraid. We experimented with numerous different ones. I am going to start doing exercise soon by the way, I signed up for a sports club. Hopefully it'll help.

  4. #34
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    70
    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    It sure beats sitting around feeling depressed and contemplating killing yourself, don't you think?
    Yeah it does, I agree.

  5.  

  6. #35
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,314
    Originally Posted by Lonesnake
    It's going to make me very happy. Simple as that. What's so wrong with that? Like I said I am not going to change my mind so please stop pressing this subject. My situation isn't just about a girlfriend anyway, that's just a part of my problems.
    Because youre describing codependence, not a healthy relationship.

    You made mention of a girlfriend in the past and stated it was a very toxic relationship, could your mindset and expectation that your partner has the duty to 'fix' you contribute to that?

  7. #36
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,599
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry you're in the deep spins, friend.

    I'm not going to pretend to know how you feel, or pretend I've got some cure, but I'll say this: I think it's pretty awesome that you came to this site. Speaks of a fire in you, to say nothing of bravery, humility, and (yeah, I'm being optimistic here) maybe even a desire to be alive more than to be dead. Beautiful stuff, all that. So thanks for sharing. Maybe stick around for a bit longer and share some more?

    I'll share some stuff, for whatever it's worth.

    Twenty-nine was a rough one for me. To put it mildly. Oof. I wouldn't be surprised if, whenever my bell tolls—and my hope is that that's a long, long ways away—I mark that one as the hardest year of all. On paper I've gone though much harder moments since then—I'm now 39—and I'm certain the future has some pain in store that is unlike anything I've known yet. But I'm confident I can handle that.

    Back then I wasn't.

    Nothing quite added up. Meaning—that thing we all want, and that thing you may be talking about when you talk about wanting a partner—was like sand through my fingers. Whatever I grabbed onto just kind of turned to dust, failed to feel how it was supposed to feel, failed to do what it was supposed to do. I had a girlfriend back then, and a job that certainly sounded impressive on paper, but something wasn't cutting it—something I couldn't quite articulate and, being a decently articulate person, that drove me as mad as whatever was driving me mad.

    I could barely work. Had a low grade panic attack that, I kid you not, lasted a few years: that feeling that some invisible a**hole was going at my sternum with a jackhammer. And that relationship? Well, when I think of "29" I think of getting in an argument with her, calmly excusing myself to another room, finding a very large book, smacking it into my face so hard I lost consciousness, coming to and realizing I had a very important project due the next day that wasn't going to get done. I don't think I was trying to die, but I was definitely looking for a reset button.

    In the story I tell today—ten years removed from that—that's some "rock bottom" moment. There's probably some truth to it. I made some changes, altered my path, learned to ask for help, and am today pretty at peace with myself and my place in the world. But that's just a good story, the stuff of Instagram aphorisms and motivational speakers. All I really did, at the end of the day, is live. And in doing that I learned to live better. And in doing that I lived long enough (hello, 30s!) to kind of reset my understanding of this being alive business rather than thinking about how to find the reset button. I started finding meaning in just learning to do it a little better every day, rather than thinking something outside myself (a job, a house, a woman) would be the answer.

    I could ramble more. I've got a background in English lit too, so rambling is in my genetic code. I make a living doing it, for whatever it's worth, which means you can too. I ain't special, believe me. From some angles I'm an early bloomer who burned out quick, from others a late bloomer who, at a sneeze from 40, is finally figuring out how to be a grownup. I don't know. I think I'm just blooming at my own speed, like most people, like you.

    Maybe a word there resonates, maybe not. I'm writing about me, but really I'm just trying to say, as the words at the top of the screen do, that you're not alone. I'm listening to you. I'd like to hear more.

    I'm not someone who suffers from depression in the way I think you do, and have, so I'm hardly trying to pose here as a fellow traveler in all that. But at 39 I don't know a single soul who found their 20s more enjoyable than their 30s, which is to say I think—no, not think; I believe—that if you can get over this hump and hang onto the horns you've got some good sh*t coming your way.
    Last edited by bluecastle; 07-01-2019 at 08:35 PM.

  8. #37
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    70
    Thanks for your kind words bluecastle and thanks for sharing your story as well. I don't have much to add to that but it gives me hope. Yeah I usually write long stuff too but I guess I don't have the energy for that these days. Yeah 29 is very rough for me right now. What about the girlfriend front though? You found someone else after that girlfriend you had? Ever married? And I guess I really am here because deep down I want to keep going. Not die, but live and be happy. It's just that being alone for the rest of my life is a very scary thought for me. I don't want to be alone, I want to find someone to share my life with.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,599
    Gender
    Male
    The girlfriend front?

    I've succeed or failed, depending on the metric system. That one ended shortly after—long overdue, as the story attests—and a few years later there was another. A big, beautiful, formative love—at 32. Really can't say a bad word about it—including the part when it ended, after 2.5 years. She had itches to scratch, and probably I did too. But when she ended it I was crushed. Got into something else a bit later that should have probably been a very fun two months, but somehow (oh, life!) lasted three years, and ended in all sorts of teen drama fire and brimstone that, for a hot second, had me wondering if, at 37, I was maturing backwards.

    But no. It was just my life unfolding: boosting me up here, leveling me there, evening out in the end. Like I said, I've learned to live it. I've learned to keep learning.

    I could spin you a really happy ending. I'm with someone now, six months in, so still new. But it's different. It's already helping me understand what it could mean to "share my life" with another person, a phrase I've used a lot in the past, and deeply wanted. But I'm getting it right now on a cellular level, if that makes any sense, and I think that says as much about my own journey as it does the voodoo of hers I find so endearing. I have all sorts of hopes for where it might go—so check back with me in a year or three, and we'll see. Truth is I feel so privileged to be getting to know her on a minute-to-minute scale that I'm not too hung up on what it's going to add up to.

    My point? She is not a reward for anything. She is just a person who mesmerizes me, not "completes" me. That's my work, and it's ongoing. She and I joke that we're lucky we didn't meet earlier—our worlds are closely linked, yet we met on a silly app—because we wouldn't have been ready. We each had to go through some sh*t. We would have been a lost weekend at 28, a dodgy few months at 33, probably a fling if we met even a year earlier. I have no doubt that some of the roughest moments in my past are connected to some of the sweetest moments we share. She'd say the same about her life. She has. What that all adds up to? Well, we'll see.

    Another thing? I've always liked the idea of "sharing my life" with one person. Who doesn't? It's probably in our human bones, and lord knows books, movies, and TV poke at it a lot, magnify it in a way where it can become a bit like cancer, spreading through us in corrosive ways. But I feel I've already done that. I've shared chapters of my life with different people—you're now among them, in a small way—and in the process I've learned to live with myself. That's the forever relationship. Took me a while to get cozy and committed in that one, and I don't think I'd have a girlfriend, or the girlfriend I'm now setting off on the sharing adventure with, or the ability to think of her more as another wonderful question than some answer to my troubles, were it not for that time spent leaning to live with and alongside myself.

    All comes back to what I said in the first post. These are all stories that can be spun every which way. But to even be able to spin them? That requires living.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,098
    Every relationship I've been in has made me "very" happy for only a brief period. They are still good, but even in a relationship the good parts often involve other people and other things going on. Me and my new girlfriend just went camping. It would have been a fun camping trip if I was single with single people too. My happiness would be about the same. I'm being really objective here - I'm not tangibly happier today than I was 3 months ago when I didn't have a girlfriend. Many people in relationships are not happy, because of things like not enough money, different opinions on where to live, family issues etc. There are so many aspects to life, and it sounds like you feel like you are in a deep hole looking for a life line, something to grab onto to take you out of it.

    Try not to restrict yourself to that life line having to look a certain way. You're right that humans have needs. But we need more than just a relationship. And a relationship without some of those other things wont last long. There may be things that will help you feel happier than a relationship could in your current state. Some of those things can make the relationship void easier to fill as well.

    My story may not resonate - I have not dealt with as strong a depression as you nor been medicated. But in case it does, my first gf was at 27. It lasted 5 months where I was preparing to propose, and then she dumped me out of the blue. I'm 35 now and have been seeing my second gf for 2 months. We'll see if we last to 5 even hah. But in that span of time between the two girlfriends, I got a much better job, have found multiple hobbies, made many new friends, changed my opinion on various topics, changed where I lived, have visited more places... I found happiness in being single. Now that I'm trying the GF thing again, I like it: but it hasn't changed my world. My world changed first.

    I'm with you with turning 30 being a tough age. That period from late 20s to early 30s was my hardest as well. I did have moments where I thought about ending it. Because of the rejection and the feeling that I wouldn't have a relationship again. I'm really sorry you are having a tough time :(

  11. #40
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,523
    Originally Posted by Lonesnake
    Yeah but I am afraid this is as good as it gets for my meds. Anything else just made it worse, right now I am using the best possible med with the best possible dosage for me. So there is simply no other choice for me at this point when it comes to meds I am afraid. We experimented with numerous different ones. I am going to start doing exercise soon by the way, I signed up for a sports club. Hopefully it'll help.
    Sorry but this confused me. How can you (and I assume your doctors?) say your current meds are as good as it gets, when you are still so depressed and contemplating suicide?

    You understand this makes no sense, don't you?

    Perhaps you need new doctors, because Lonesnake, I will tell you, when I was first diagnosed, my doctors royally screwed up, gave me the wrong meds, which nearly killed me! Caused me to become very sick, all related to being placed on the wrong meds.

    Now I am no doctor, but it seems to me, these meds you're on could not possibly be "as good as it gets" if you're still depressed and having suicidal thoughts.

    I mean medication, the right medication, is supposed to alleviate the depression and suicidal thoughts not cause it for heaven's sake. That's just common sense.

    May I ask what country you are in? If you're in the U.S. then I am not surprised by the incompetency.

    My advice is seek out another opinion. Tell the new doctor what you are experiencing now, something is NOT jiving here.

    That said I am happy to hear you signed up for a sports club and are going to start exercising and working out!

    Try running too if you can -- also have you considered Yoga?

    Helps me TONS, no joke. In fact, I say this in all sincerity, the running and the yoga, along with no drinking and good healthy eating, resulted in alleviating the depression better than the meds!!

Page 4 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •