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Always feel like second best


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Hey everyone.

 

Ive been having this situation for quite a while but until just recently it has started bothering me more and more.

 

Now I want to say that I know that my feelings aren't justified or very logical, but I have a big problem letting my intellect control my feelings.

 

For some time now, everytime my boyfriend mentions something he had already done or been to with his ex girlfriend I feel jealous and I feel like Im just a copy or the second best. Like I will never be the first person he did whatever activity with first so I automatically become less important. I know this is a little bit crazy but lately I have problems dealing with it.

 

This subject doesnt come up that often, and my boyfriend usually just mentions it without a hidden meaning or something hes just very honest about his day to day or things he has done or stuff. Im the one whose always thinking about it.

 

The other day I kinda blew up about it and I told my boyfriend I felt like second best and he got very upset, like very very very upset. He told me that after all weve been through together and knowing the relationship we have (we are very close like friends) how can I think that?

 

And even though he says this, I still feel like I will never be good enough as I could be if I were the first. I know its a ridiculous position to be in, so all constructive criticism is welcome. I just really want to stop feeling that way and instead enjoy my relationship for what it is.

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Why is he talking about her this much ? You need to shut those conversations down and change the subject. Stop telling him "you feel second best".

everytime my boyfriend mentions something he had already done or been to with his ex girlfriend I feel jealous
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I'm assuming this is the same boyfriend you've written about in other threads?

 

If so, this doesn't sound like an isolated thing so much as an extension of how you often feel inside this relationship: angry and insecure. Have you taken steps to work on that, on your own? Have you considered that this might not be the best relationship for you if this is how you often feel?

 

How often does his ex come up? Can you provide a bit more context?

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He doesnt bring her up much actually. And when he does its not to tell me something specific about her. Sometimes I feel like I try to bring it up myself. He never compares me or anything. Sometimes he says things like “I understand what hes saying because I know what its like to be in a difficult relationship.” Refering to his past relationship. Or maybe I ask him how he knows some detail about a certain place and he says like “oh its because ive been here before.” And then usually I ask with who, and thats where he mentions it. Other than that he doesnt really mention her.

 

Yup, this is my same boyfriend and no were not friends were actually in a relationship for about 3 years now. I said the friends thing because we act like really close friends and not so much like the typical boyfriend girlfriend in our daily life.

 

I did consider leaving the relationship in the beginning but then I went to therapy to deal with some issues and realized I will probably be angry and insecure with most people and that just a change of relationship wouldnt really change anything. Plus over the years my boyfriend and I have gotten closer and more intimate as I slowly got over some issues. These are the ones that have been lingering. And thats why I want to get rid of them, to keep advancing in the relationship.

 

Edit: He is also not in touch with her anymore. Its been years now since they last spoke.

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Maybe you should tell him (when you are NOT angry) that you want to feel like his priority. Don't make it seem like he is at fault. You are the one with the issue.

 

"He never compares me or anything. Sometimes he says things like “I understand what hes saying because I know what its like to be in a difficult relationship.” Refering to his past relationship."

Do you want him to compare you to a difficult relationship? I think it might be a good thing that he doesn't do that...

 

"And then usually I ask with who, and thats where he mentions it. Other than that he doesnt really mention her."

So, if he doesn't bring her up unless you ask, why do you keep asking?!? Is there a trust issue? Or are you letting your own insecurities take over?

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Given that your last thread was about your anger management issues, https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=559867, it sounds as though your boyfriend is growing very weary of the relationship.

 

This insecurity about his ex combined with the aforementioned anger problems is likely he became very upset with this last incident. It doesn't sound as though he's got a lot of patience left with you, OP.

 

Since you wrote the last thread, what steps are you actively taking to tackle these issues? You say you want to get rid of them, so I am curious to hear what exactly you're doing about it.

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Well, when you put it that way it's really hard to see it as something going on inside of you—something that predates him and that might be really hard to deal with inside a relationship: a more general sense of being "second best," or not being good enough, and being more inclined to look for ways to support that negative self-perception (i.e. you bringing it up) than to cultivate a more positive one (i.e. accepting that people have pasts that make them who they are).

 

When you're confident in what you bring to the table these things just don't matter. Because you're just you—not first best, not seventh best, but you, a totally singular being that no one can compete with. That's what someone is choosing to be with, not someone to be the "first" to hike a certain trail with, see a certain city with, eat a certain food with.

 

I'm curious: What do you mean when you say you act like close friends more than "typical boyfriend girlfriend" in your day to day life?

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This insecurity about his ex combined with the aforementioned anger problems is likely he became very upset with this last incident. It doesn't sound as though he's got a lot of patience left with you, OP.

 

Since you wrote the last thread, what steps are you actively taking to tackle these issues? You say you want to get rid of them, so I am curious to hear what exactly you're doing about it.

 

That is true. I have abused his patience I think. I want to change it before he has none left.

 

Currently I have been trying to work more on myself and try to see why I get angry and reactive, and also trying to keep busy during the day and doing activities I like, having some “me” time and things like that. But sometimes the intensity about my illogical feelings get the best of me.

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Well, when you put it that way it's really hard to see it as something going on inside of you—something that predates him and that might be really hard to deal with inside a relationship: a more general sense of being "second best," or not being good enough, and being more inclined to look for ways to support that negative self-perception (i.e. you bringing it up) than to cultivate a more positive one (i.e. accepting that people have pasts that make them who they are).

 

When you're confident in what you bring to the table these things just don't matter. Because you're just you—not first best, not seventh best, but you, a totally singular being that no one can compete with. That's what someone is choosing to be with, not someone to be the "first" to hike a certain trail with, see a certain city with, eat a certain food with.

 

I'm curious: What do you mean when you say you act like close friends more than "typical boyfriend girlfriend" in your day to day life?

 

You really helped me alot with the “i am a singular being. I will try to keep that in mind.

 

I think another problem within me is that, although this is very difficult to admit mostly because it sounds awful, but here goes, is I feel like I am so competitive and I dont want anyone to be better than me. Like I always have to be first, I always have to be the most important, and that there shouldnt be anyone else but me.

Now I know that sounds horrible, I grew up in toxic environments that reinforced this idea over and over, and that if you are not the first and most important then you are worth nothing. Its like a bad habit that really has a hard time going away.

 

 

Oh and in regards to the friends thing, its just, maybe im wrong in my perception, but I see so many couples around me arent deep in their relationship. And they just kind of do the things that every couple is doing and give each other gifts for valentines and stuff like that but they have no meaning. Mostly I dont see other couples being comfortable enough to be funny or special or weird. Its as though they put on a boyfriend girlfriend show for others to see and not be judged by society but in reality they dont really care about each other that much. And maybe im wrong but my boyfriend and I based our relationship on a much different ground. I feel the things we do are always genuine and never fake or awkward.

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I think another problem within me is that, although this is very difficult to admit mostly because it sounds awful, but here goes, is I feel like I am so competitive and I dont want anyone to be better than me. Like I always have to be first, I always have to be the most important, and that there shouldnt be anyone else but me.

Now I know that sounds horrible, I grew up in toxic environments that reinforced this idea over and over, and that if you are not the first and most important then you are worth nothing. Its like a bad habit that really has a hard time going away.

 

 

Oh and in regards to the friends thing, its just, maybe im wrong in my perception, but I see so many couples around me arent deep in their relationship. And they just kind of do the things that every couple is doing and give each other gifts for valentines and stuff like that but they have no meaning. Mostly I dont see other couples being comfortable enough to be funny or special or weird. Its as though they put on a boyfriend girlfriend show for others to see and not be judged by society but in reality they dont really care about each other that much. And maybe im wrong but my boyfriend and I based our relationship on a much different ground. I feel the things we do are always genuine and never fake or awkward.

 

How would you even begin to make that judgment about other couples, OP? You're not behind closed doors with them. Unless you have intimate knowledge of others' relationships (and generally, nobody does apart from the couple themselves) I think you're being unfair and smug when there is no basis for it. However, I have to wonder if this story you tell yourself about other couples is again a result of your insecurity and needing to feel the best. You have to tell yourself something to make yourself feel better about your relationship, and this is the flimsy and superficial assumption you're making.

 

It's interesting to me that you're willing to throw stones from a high horse when you live in a glass house where your own boyfriend is tiring of reassuring you. I don't think the two elements are unrelated.

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If you want to find a guy who is devoid of all history, hold out for a guy who has sprung from the womb fully formed and is ready to date you as his first and only.

 

After you wear out this guy with complaints he can do nothing about, you'll be free to date anyone else you want. And guess what: the same problem will only transfer to the next person. So how about seeking some professional help to overcome this now?

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That ‘first’ thing really stuck out at me... I wonder why you think ‘first’ is the best.

 

The best pizza I ever ate? Certainly wasn’t the first. I don’t remember the first. It must be the 4,754th or something - but I can tell you exactly how it smelled, what was on it, how it tasted, etc.

 

My best trip to Europe? The 3rd. We really had our confidence and stride and were more willing to go off the beaten path.

 

The best concert I’ve been to? The 7th.

 

The first time you do something is not always the best or the most memorable.

 

What usually makes something the “best” is when you are really letting go and living in the moment, etc. Ironically, by worrying that you are not the first, you are probs also guaranteeing that you are not the “best”.

 

Just something to think about...

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Your boyfriend is disrespectful and inconsiderate to even bring up his ex girlfriend's name, mentions his relationship with her and dredges up memories which are unnecessary for you to hear.

 

I'm sorry you feel you're not good enough. I hear you. The comparison is an awful feeling. Then tell your boyfriend how you feel and ask him to make the conscientious effort to cease discussing his life with his ex girlfriend with you. It only makes your current relationship with him feel so deflated. Tell him even casual mention of his ex girlfriend grates on your nerves as it would for me, too. I wouldn't like it. I doubt he would like it if you did the same by discussing your ex boyfriend to him at random. No one enjoys it. He needs to respect your wishes, be considerate of other people's feelings such as yours, have common decency and common courtesy. It's common sense to be mindful of others.

 

He needs a lesson in 'The Golden Rule:' "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It's called respect.

 

If he continues to be inconsiderate and doesn't care how you feel about this, your relationship with your boyfriend will continue to be rocky and won't endure at this rate.

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That ‘first’ thing really stuck out at me... I wonder why you think ‘first’ is the best.

 

The best pizza I ever ate? Certainly wasn’t the first. I don’t remember the first. It must be the 4,754th or something - but I can tell you exactly how it smelled, what was on it, how it tasted, etc.

 

My best trip to Europe? The 3rd. We really had our confidence and stride and were more willing to go off the beaten path.

 

The best concert I’ve been to? The 7th.

 

The first time you do something is not always the best or the most memorable.

 

What usually makes something the “best” is when you are really letting go and living in the moment, etc. Ironically, by worrying that you are not the first, you are probs also guaranteeing that you are not the “best”.

 

Just something to think about...

 

Wow. That is something to think about.

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It is. Thanks for posting this. I never thought of it that way and am currently on my 6th or 7th trip to Europe and you are right - I’m better with the jet lag and better with the “gotta see it all” urgency since I can’t go to Europe every day or every year. I love this perspective.and not just for Europe !

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It is. Thanks for posting this. I never thought of it that way and am currently on my 6th or 7th trip to Europe and you are right - I’m better with the jet lag and better with the “gotta see it all” urgency since I can’t go to Europe every day or every year. I love this perspective.and not just for Europe !

 

Batya, I admit I am confused by this response!

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I obviously don't know the whole story but from your post it sounds like you're quite insecure. It's actually you who asks him about his ex and who he has been to places with. You are fishing for that information yourself probably to subconsciously prove in your own mind that you are "second best". This is probably just something you think and is not the reality. If your boyfriend barely mentions his ex (unless you ask) and doesn't compare you, then it doesn't sound like he thinks you're second best. It's actually an odd question to ask who he has been to places with. I basically never get asked that and people don't ask me either if I say I've been somewhere. I think it might be beneficial for you to continue in therapy to work on these insecurity and paranoia.

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How would you even begin to make that judgment about other couples, OP? You're not behind closed doors with them. Unless you have intimate knowledge of others' relationships (and generally, nobody does apart from the couple themselves) I think you're being unfair and smug when there is no basis for it. However, I have to wonder if this story you tell yourself about other couples is again a result of your insecurity and needing to feel the best. You have to tell yourself something to make yourself feel better about your relationship, and this is the flimsy and superficial assumption you're making.

 

It's interesting to me that you're willing to throw stones from a high horse when you live in a glass house where your own boyfriend is tiring of reassuring you. I don't think the two elements are unrelated.

 

Maybe Im Explaining myself wrong. Because I actually know these couples I talk about, and see them do things and say things that seem too hypocrite, (I hear them talk trash about their significant other when not present, jokes at their expense, divulge secret affairs etc.), also abusive couples, and also the superficial couples I tell you about who I have heard demand their boyfriends to buy them such and such ring or gift and if not they get criticized and sometimes in front of the whole office.

 

This is what led me to think couples put on a “girlfriend/boyfriend show” for the sake of society. I see and hear too much hypocrisy in these relationships.

 

Nonetheless, I agree with you. I shouldnt be generalizing all couples for the sake of the examples I am exposed to because I have also seen some lovely healthy fun couples too.

 

And also, I shouldnt use them to someone justify that my relationship is better somehow. Because I should know, I do things that also arent healthy. And also you are right, I dont really know what is going on inside those relationships. Im just not sure it would be a healthy thing if they are deciding to put down their significant other in front of friends and coworkers.

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That ‘first’ thing really stuck out at me... I wonder why you think ‘first’ is the best.

 

The best pizza I ever ate? Certainly wasn’t the first. I don’t remember the first. It must be the 4,754th or something - but I can tell you exactly how it smelled, what was on it, how it tasted, etc.

 

My best trip to Europe? The 3rd. We really had our confidence and stride and were more willing to go off the beaten path.

 

The best concert I’ve been to? The 7th.

 

The first time you do something is not always the best or the most memorable.

 

What usually makes something the “best” is when you are really letting go and living in the moment, etc. Ironically, by worrying that you are not the first, you are probs also guaranteeing that you are not the “best”.

 

Just something to think about...

 

Wow....I honestly think you just cured me with this.

 

This is so true. I will think about that from now on. Wow.

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Your boyfriend is disrespectful and inconsiderate to even bring up his ex girlfriend's name, mentions his relationship with her and dredges up memories which are unnecessary for you to hear.

 

I'm sorry you feel you're not good enough. I hear you. The comparison is an awful feeling. Then tell your boyfriend how you feel and ask him to make the conscientious effort to cease discussing his life with his ex girlfriend with you. It only makes your current relationship with him feel so deflated. Tell him even casual mention of his ex girlfriend grates on your nerves as it would for me, too. I wouldn't like it. I doubt he would like it if you did the same by discussing your ex boyfriend to him at random. No one enjoys it. He needs to respect your wishes, be considerate of other people's feelings such as yours, have common decency and common courtesy. It's common sense to be mindful of others.

 

He needs a lesson in 'The Golden Rule:' "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It's called respect.

 

If he continues to be inconsiderate and doesn't care how you feel about this, your relationship with your boyfriend will continue to be rocky and won't endure at this rate.

 

Im not sure if hes being disrespectful exactly, but I do think you have a point. Maybe we both should leave the past in the past and not bring it where it doesnt belong. Ill think about that.

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