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Thread: Always feel like second best

  1. #1
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    Always feel like second best

    Hey everyone.

    Ive been having this situation for quite a while but until just recently it has started bothering me more and more.

    Now I want to say that I know that my feelings aren't justified or very logical, but I have a big problem letting my intellect control my feelings.

    For some time now, everytime my boyfriend mentions something he had already done or been to with his ex girlfriend I feel jealous and I feel like Im just a copy or the second best. Like I will never be the first person he did whatever activity with first so I automatically become less important. I know this is a little bit crazy but lately I have problems dealing with it.

    This subject doesnt come up that often, and my boyfriend usually just mentions it without a hidden meaning or something hes just very honest about his day to day or things he has done or stuff. Im the one whose always thinking about it.

    The other day I kinda blew up about it and I told my boyfriend I felt like second best and he got very upset, like very very very upset. He told me that after all weve been through together and knowing the relationship we have (we are very close like friends) how can I think that?

    And even though he says this, I still feel like I will never be good enough as I could be if I were the first. I know its a ridiculous position to be in, so all constructive criticism is welcome. I just really want to stop feeling that way and instead enjoy my relationship for what it is.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why is he talking about her this much ? You need to shut those conversations down and change the subject. Stop telling him "you feel second best".
    Originally Posted by VivianLuna90
    everytime my boyfriend mentions something he had already done or been to with his ex girlfriend I feel jealous

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm assuming this is the same boyfriend you've written about in other threads?

    If so, this doesn't sound like an isolated thing so much as an extension of how you often feel inside this relationship: angry and insecure. Have you taken steps to work on that, on your own? Have you considered that this might not be the best relationship for you if this is how you often feel?

    How often does his ex come up? Can you provide a bit more context?

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    Why does he mention her so much? Is he in touch with her?

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  6. #5
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Wait. Are you really close friends or are you in a romantic relationship?

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    Perhaps you should try doing things that neither of you have done before...that way you can be the first!

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    He doesnt bring her up much actually. And when he does its not to tell me something specific about her. Sometimes I feel like I try to bring it up myself. He never compares me or anything. Sometimes he says things like “I understand what hes saying because I know what its like to be in a difficult relationship.” Refering to his past relationship. Or maybe I ask him how he knows some detail about a certain place and he says like “oh its because ive been here before.” And then usually I ask with who, and thats where he mentions it. Other than that he doesnt really mention her.

    Yup, this is my same boyfriend and no were not friends were actually in a relationship for about 3 years now. I said the friends thing because we act like really close friends and not so much like the typical boyfriend girlfriend in our daily life.

    I did consider leaving the relationship in the beginning but then I went to therapy to deal with some issues and realized I will probably be angry and insecure with most people and that just a change of relationship wouldnt really change anything. Plus over the years my boyfriend and I have gotten closer and more intimate as I slowly got over some issues. These are the ones that have been lingering. And thats why I want to get rid of them, to keep advancing in the relationship.

    Edit: He is also not in touch with her anymore. Its been years now since they last spoke.

  9. #8
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    Maybe you should tell him (when you are NOT angry) that you want to feel like his priority. Don't make it seem like he is at fault. You are the one with the issue.

    "He never compares me or anything. Sometimes he says things like “I understand what hes saying because I know what its like to be in a difficult relationship.” Refering to his past relationship."
    Do you want him to compare you to a difficult relationship? I think it might be a good thing that he doesn't do that...

    "And then usually I ask with who, and thats where he mentions it. Other than that he doesnt really mention her."
    So, if he doesn't bring her up unless you ask, why do you keep asking?!? Is there a trust issue? Or are you letting your own insecurities take over?

  10. #9
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    Given that your last thread was about your anger management issues, [Register to see the link] , it sounds as though your boyfriend is growing very weary of the relationship.

    This insecurity about his ex combined with the aforementioned anger problems is likely he became very upset with this last incident. It doesn't sound as though he's got a lot of patience left with you, OP.

    Since you wrote the last thread, what steps are you actively taking to tackle these issues? You say you want to get rid of them, so I am curious to hear what exactly you're doing about it.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well, when you put it that way it's really hard to see it as something going on inside of you—something that predates him and that might be really hard to deal with inside a relationship: a more general sense of being "second best," or not being good enough, and being more inclined to look for ways to support that negative self-perception (i.e. you bringing it up) than to cultivate a more positive one (i.e. accepting that people have pasts that make them who they are).

    When you're confident in what you bring to the table these things just don't matter. Because you're just you—not first best, not seventh best, but you, a totally singular being that no one can compete with. That's what someone is choosing to be with, not someone to be the "first" to hike a certain trail with, see a certain city with, eat a certain food with.

    I'm curious: What do you mean when you say you act like close friends more than "typical boyfriend girlfriend" in your day to day life?

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