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Thread: Always feel like second best

  1. #21
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    Sorry. I meant to respond to Red Dress! I guess I messed up. Sorry.

  2. #22
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    I obviously don't know the whole story but from your post it sounds like you're quite insecure. It's actually you who asks him about his ex and who he has been to places with. You are fishing for that information yourself probably to subconsciously prove in your own mind that you are "second best". This is probably just something you think and is not the reality. If your boyfriend barely mentions his ex (unless you ask) and doesn't compare you, then it doesn't sound like he thinks you're second best. It's actually an odd question to ask who he has been to places with. I basically never get asked that and people don't ask me either if I say I've been somewhere. I think it might be beneficial for you to continue in therapy to work on these insecurity and paranoia.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    How would you even begin to make that judgment about other couples, OP? You're not behind closed doors with them. Unless you have intimate knowledge of others' relationships (and generally, nobody does apart from the couple themselves) I think you're being unfair and smug when there is no basis for it. However, I have to wonder if this story you tell yourself about other couples is again a result of your insecurity and needing to feel the best. You have to tell yourself something to make yourself feel better about your relationship, and this is the flimsy and superficial assumption you're making.

    It's interesting to me that you're willing to throw stones from a high horse when you live in a glass house where your own boyfriend is tiring of reassuring you. I don't think the two elements are unrelated.
    Maybe Im Explaining myself wrong. Because I actually know these couples I talk about, and see them do things and say things that seem too hypocrite, (I hear them talk trash about their significant other when not present, jokes at their expense, divulge secret affairs etc.), also abusive couples, and also the superficial couples I tell you about who I have heard demand their boyfriends to buy them such and such ring or gift and if not they get criticized and sometimes in front of the whole office.

    This is what led me to think couples put on a “girlfriend/boyfriend show” for the sake of society. I see and hear too much hypocrisy in these relationships.

    Nonetheless, I agree with you. I shouldnt be generalizing all couples for the sake of the examples I am exposed to because I have also seen some lovely healthy fun couples too.

    And also, I shouldnt use them to someone justify that my relationship is better somehow. Because I should know, I do things that also arent healthy. And also you are right, I dont really know what is going on inside those relationships. Im just not sure it would be a healthy thing if they are deciding to put down their significant other in front of friends and coworkers.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by RedDress
    That ‘first’ thing really stuck out at me... I wonder why you think ‘first’ is the best.

    The best pizza I ever ate? Certainly wasn’t the first. I don’t remember the first. It must be the 4,754th or something - but I can tell you exactly how it smelled, what was on it, how it tasted, etc.

    My best trip to Europe? The 3rd. We really had our confidence and stride and were more willing to go off the beaten path.

    The best concert I’ve been to? The 7th.

    The first time you do something is not always the best or the most memorable.

    What usually makes something the “best” is when you are really letting go and living in the moment, etc. Ironically, by worrying that you are not the first, you are probs also guaranteeing that you are not the “best”.

    Just something to think about...
    Wow....I honestly think you just cured me with this.

    This is so true. I will think about that from now on. Wow.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Your boyfriend is disrespectful and inconsiderate to even bring up his ex girlfriend's name, mentions his relationship with her and dredges up memories which are unnecessary for you to hear.

    I'm sorry you feel you're not good enough. I hear you. The comparison is an awful feeling. Then tell your boyfriend how you feel and ask him to make the conscientious effort to cease discussing his life with his ex girlfriend with you. It only makes your current relationship with him feel so deflated. Tell him even casual mention of his ex girlfriend grates on your nerves as it would for me, too. I wouldn't like it. I doubt he would like it if you did the same by discussing your ex boyfriend to him at random. No one enjoys it. He needs to respect your wishes, be considerate of other people's feelings such as yours, have common decency and common courtesy. It's common sense to be mindful of others.

    He needs a lesson in 'The Golden Rule:' "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It's called respect.

    If he continues to be inconsiderate and doesn't care how you feel about this, your relationship with your boyfriend will continue to be rocky and won't endure at this rate.
    Im not sure if hes being disrespectful exactly, but I do think you have a point. Maybe we both should leave the past in the past and not bring it where it doesnt belong. Ill think about that.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Did you implement any of the advice you were given in your previous thread?

    If not, why not?

    You are going to drive him away with your anger, jealousy and insecurity. Maybe you secretly want that?
    Yes! I have been better when my boyfriend goes out. I have been able to see things differently and I feel im getting. Its just this whole ex thing felt unexpectedly intense because we were going to have a special ocasion with my boyfriend, and I was a little nervous and too sensitive so I just kinda blew up about it.

    I did talk about the driving him away thing in therapy, and its kinda true. Its as though a part of me believes he deserves someone way better and not this angry sensitive girl.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by VivianLuna90
    And also, I shouldnt use them to someone justify that my relationship is better somehow. Because I should know, I do things that also arent healthy. And also you are right, I dont really know what is going on inside those relationships. Im just not sure it would be a healthy thing if they are deciding to put down their significant other in front of friends and coworkers.
    Yes, that's what I mean.

    Your friends might not know about the turmoil that exists in your relationship, because you keep up a pleasant front around others - thereby doing exactly the same thing you criticize other couples for. It was ironic to me that you decided couples put on a show for society when it appears you do so, too. To an extent, many of us do, for reasons of privacy and respect - which is why you should not assume others are less genuine or sincere than you and your boyfriend when you are not being candid about your own problems, either.

    I agree that it's not wise to put down a partner in front of other people, but really, that's not the main issue. The principle problem is that your relationship is not on solid ground these days and there is a lot of changeworthy behaviour here. Whether or not it's common knowledge among your friends and family is rather irrelevant and not the measuring stick you should be using to judge whether your or anyone else's relationship is unhealthy.

    Something to think about.

  9. #28
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    Ask him to please stop mentioning his ex - it makes you jelous. I know it sounds silly but we are all human, and jealousy happens.

    But if it helps any, what's valuable is who he loves now - and who he loves is you - his love for his ex died a long time ago.

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