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Thread: Always feel like second best

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    This insecurity about his ex combined with the aforementioned anger problems is likely he became very upset with this last incident. It doesn't sound as though he's got a lot of patience left with you, OP.

    Since you wrote the last thread, what steps are you actively taking to tackle these issues? You say you want to get rid of them, so I am curious to hear what exactly you're doing about it.
    That is true. I have abused his patience I think. I want to change it before he has none left.

    Currently I have been trying to work more on myself and try to see why I get angry and reactive, and also trying to keep busy during the day and doing activities I like, having some “me” time and things like that. But sometimes the intensity about my illogical feelings get the best of me.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Well, when you put it that way it's really hard to see it as something going on inside of you—something that predates him and that might be really hard to deal with inside a relationship: a more general sense of being "second best," or not being good enough, and being more inclined to look for ways to support that negative self-perception (i.e. you bringing it up) than to cultivate a more positive one (i.e. accepting that people have pasts that make them who they are).

    When you're confident in what you bring to the table these things just don't matter. Because you're just you—not first best, not seventh best, but you, a totally singular being that no one can compete with. That's what someone is choosing to be with, not someone to be the "first" to hike a certain trail with, see a certain city with, eat a certain food with.

    I'm curious: What do you mean when you say you act like close friends more than "typical boyfriend girlfriend" in your day to day life?
    You really helped me alot with the “i am a singular being. I will try to keep that in mind.

    I think another problem within me is that, although this is very difficult to admit mostly because it sounds awful, but here goes, is I feel like I am so competitive and I dont want anyone to be better than me. Like I always have to be first, I always have to be the most important, and that there shouldnt be anyone else but me.
    Now I know that sounds horrible, I grew up in toxic environments that reinforced this idea over and over, and that if you are not the first and most important then you are worth nothing. Its like a bad habit that really has a hard time going away.


    Oh and in regards to the friends thing, its just, maybe im wrong in my perception, but I see so many couples around me arent deep in their relationship. And they just kind of do the things that every couple is doing and give each other gifts for valentines and stuff like that but they have no meaning. Mostly I dont see other couples being comfortable enough to be funny or special or weird. Its as though they put on a boyfriend girlfriend show for others to see and not be judged by society but in reality they dont really care about each other that much. And maybe im wrong but my boyfriend and I based our relationship on a much different ground. I feel the things we do are always genuine and never fake or awkward.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by VivianLuna90
    I think another problem within me is that, although this is very difficult to admit mostly because it sounds awful, but here goes, is I feel like I am so competitive and I dont want anyone to be better than me. Like I always have to be first, I always have to be the most important, and that there shouldnt be anyone else but me.
    Now I know that sounds horrible, I grew up in toxic environments that reinforced this idea over and over, and that if you are not the first and most important then you are worth nothing. Its like a bad habit that really has a hard time going away.


    Oh and in regards to the friends thing, its just, maybe im wrong in my perception, but I see so many couples around me arent deep in their relationship. And they just kind of do the things that every couple is doing and give each other gifts for valentines and stuff like that but they have no meaning. Mostly I dont see other couples being comfortable enough to be funny or special or weird. Its as though they put on a boyfriend girlfriend show for others to see and not be judged by society but in reality they dont really care about each other that much. And maybe im wrong but my boyfriend and I based our relationship on a much different ground. I feel the things we do are always genuine and never fake or awkward.
    How would you even begin to make that judgment about other couples, OP? You're not behind closed doors with them. Unless you have intimate knowledge of others' relationships (and generally, nobody does apart from the couple themselves) I think you're being unfair and smug when there is no basis for it. However, I have to wonder if this story you tell yourself about other couples is again a result of your insecurity and needing to feel the best. You have to tell yourself something to make yourself feel better about your relationship, and this is the flimsy and superficial assumption you're making.

    It's interesting to me that you're willing to throw stones from a high horse when you live in a glass house where your own boyfriend is tiring of reassuring you. I don't think the two elements are unrelated.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If you want to find a guy who is devoid of all history, hold out for a guy who has sprung from the womb fully formed and is ready to date you as his first and only.

    After you wear out this guy with complaints he can do nothing about, you'll be free to date anyone else you want. And guess what: the same problem will only transfer to the next person. So how about seeking some professional help to overcome this now?

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  6. #15
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    That ‘first’ thing really stuck out at me... I wonder why you think ‘first’ is the best.

    The best pizza I ever ate? Certainly wasn’t the first. I don’t remember the first. It must be the 4,754th or something - but I can tell you exactly how it smelled, what was on it, how it tasted, etc.

    My best trip to Europe? The 3rd. We really had our confidence and stride and were more willing to go off the beaten path.

    The best concert I’ve been to? The 7th.

    The first time you do something is not always the best or the most memorable.

    What usually makes something the “best” is when you are really letting go and living in the moment, etc. Ironically, by worrying that you are not the first, you are probs also guaranteeing that you are not the “best”.

    Just something to think about...

  7. #16
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    Your boyfriend is disrespectful and inconsiderate to even bring up his ex girlfriend's name, mentions his relationship with her and dredges up memories which are unnecessary for you to hear.

    I'm sorry you feel you're not good enough. I hear you. The comparison is an awful feeling. Then tell your boyfriend how you feel and ask him to make the conscientious effort to cease discussing his life with his ex girlfriend with you. It only makes your current relationship with him feel so deflated. Tell him even casual mention of his ex girlfriend grates on your nerves as it would for me, too. I wouldn't like it. I doubt he would like it if you did the same by discussing your ex boyfriend to him at random. No one enjoys it. He needs to respect your wishes, be considerate of other people's feelings such as yours, have common decency and common courtesy. It's common sense to be mindful of others.

    He needs a lesson in 'The Golden Rule:' "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It's called respect.

    If he continues to be inconsiderate and doesn't care how you feel about this, your relationship with your boyfriend will continue to be rocky and won't endure at this rate.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by RedDress
    That ‘first’ thing really stuck out at me... I wonder why you think ‘first’ is the best.

    The best pizza I ever ate? Certainly wasn’t the first. I don’t remember the first. It must be the 4,754th or something - but I can tell you exactly how it smelled, what was on it, how it tasted, etc.

    My best trip to Europe? The 3rd. We really had our confidence and stride and were more willing to go off the beaten path.

    The best concert I’ve been to? The 7th.

    The first time you do something is not always the best or the most memorable.

    What usually makes something the “best” is when you are really letting go and living in the moment, etc. Ironically, by worrying that you are not the first, you are probs also guaranteeing that you are not the “best”.

    Just something to think about...
    Wow. That is something to think about.

  9. #18
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    Did you implement any of the advice you were given in your previous thread?

    If not, why not?

    You are going to drive him away with your anger, jealousy and insecurity. Maybe you secretly want that?

  10. #19
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    It is. Thanks for posting this. I never thought of it that way and am currently on my 6th or 7th trip to Europe and you are right - I’m better with the jet lag and better with the “gotta see it all” urgency since I can’t go to Europe every day or every year. I love this perspective.and not just for Europe !

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    It is. Thanks for posting this. I never thought of it that way and am currently on my 6th or 7th trip to Europe and you are right - I’m better with the jet lag and better with the “gotta see it all” urgency since I can’t go to Europe every day or every year. I love this perspective.and not just for Europe !
    Batya, I admit I am confused by this response!

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