Depressed

I’m extremely depressed and have been dealing with depressed for years maybe over ten years. I’m 25, I have 3 children and I’m in a relationship with my two youngest kid’s dad. I have an ok job, beautiful kids that I think are amazing , but i hate my life. I don’t like my job but took it because of the pay, I absolutely dread it because I never wanted to work call center job and there isn’t room for advancement unless you’re friends with someone and that’s not me. It’s hard for me to care about anything or anyone at my job. I was going to school but I had a rough semester from working my job and getting overwhelmed and I’m no longer eligible for financial aid and I don’t make enough to pay for my classes. My bf doesn’t make much money and works for my dad so I feel pressure to keep my job when I just wanna quit and go back to school. I think my bf really isn’t in love with me and honestly I feel we got stuck together because of the kids. I’m embarrassed to talk to him when I get depressed because I think it will make him mad. He looks at is as complaining or I think he would. So I’m lonely. I don’t have many friends...I wasted my teens doing drugs and hanging around the wrong crowd and now that I’m an adult everyone I was close to is either dead, in jail or rehab, or just on something. Two years ago 3 people I really loved and cared about committed suicide. One in particular I grew up with and I talked to a week before she shot herself. It was my birthday we talked about hanging out soon and I knew she seemed off but at the time I never thought my friend was so hurt and lonely. I feel a lot of guilt and I get angry even now. I’ve attempted suicide before but I choose to not be a coward to be there for my kids. I just don’t know what to do. I’m just a girl that had kids in high school and wasted time being wack and doing drugs with parents that didn’t care but as an adult I don’t feel any different I’m everything I never wanted but I don’t know how else to be. It really sucks and since I’m surrounded by people I can’t talk to here I am in a forum looking for someone to understand. Like I said I don’t have friends, can’t talk to my partner, and my parents aren’t emotionally available people.

It is time to go to your primary care dr and get the ball rolling for some treatment. You and your kids deserve it.

Sounds like you need professional help.

You need to learn to find something good to concentrate on. Misery loves company, and right now you are having one heck of a misery party.

Depression is treatable. What forms of treatment have you sought for your depression?

I agree with seeing a therapist but... in the meantime...

I think your expectations are too high? You are being too hard on yourself.

Yeah, ok - your job sucks. Got it. But you are 25 with 3 kids. No kidding you haven’t had time to work on your career! That’s not a function of you being a failure... no one would have been able to do that! It’s like that board game “The game of Life”. You either take the career path or the family path. You took the family path. Now you can work on your career. You are exactly where you should be at your age and with your chosen path (and it’s not a bad path, btw - more difficult, sure, but you get to have your kids while you are young).

You don’t have many friends - fine. But it sounds like you turned things around and are making solid decisions? To see these old friends as not viable because they are using or in rehab...well... that shows growth on your part. So yay. Now all you need to do is get yourself out there. Watch how your kids do it! Kids are notoriously good at making new friends. They do so by doing things (playing or whatever), being unafraid to talk to people, by sharing and giving and laughing. Get involved in your kids’ activities or school! There are probably lots of moms who would love to be friends.

I do think therapy is a good idea - because where you see failure and unhappiness - I see opportunities for you to truly build the life you want. And you are still young! It’s a powerful place to be in... but you need to be able to see past the funk and take baby steps towards your goals. A therapist may be able to help you see that too.

Depression is treatable. What forms of treatment have you sought for your depression?

I’ve been on anti-depressants before and it helped some but I’d developed other problems like insomnia or mood swings and I’d just get prescribed more pills. When I got up to 5 pills a day I told them no more and slowly stopped taking the pills.

I agree with seeing a therapist but... in the meantime...

 

I think your expectations are too high? You are being too hard on yourself.

 

Yeah, ok - your job sucks. Got it. But you are 25 with 3 kids. No kidding you haven’t had time to work on your career! That’s not a function of you being a failure... no one would have been able to do that! It’s like that board game “The game of Life”. You either take the career path or the family path. You took the family path. Now you can work on your career. You are exactly where you should be at your age and with your chosen path (and it’s not a bad path, btw - more difficult, sure, but you get to have your kids while you are young).

 

You don’t have many friends - fine. But it sounds like you turned things around and are making solid decisions? To see these old friends as not viable because they are using or in rehab...well... that shows growth on your part. So yay. Now all you need to do is get yourself out there. Watch how your kids do it! Kids are notoriously good at making new friends. They do so by doing things (playing or whatever), being unafraid to talk to people, by sharing and giving and laughing. Get involved in your kids’ activities or school! There are probably lots of moms who would love to be friends.

 

I do think therapy is a good idea - because where you see failure and unhappiness - I see opportunities for you to truly build the life you want. And you are still young! It’s a powerful place to be in... but you need to be able to see past the funk and take baby steps towards your goals. A therapist may be able to help you see that too.

I appreciate your thoughtful response. I was in a total funk this morning. I had to take up full time work recently but before I was in school full time and worked at the college part time. Somehow, I was still able to be troop leader for scouts, president of honor society and different organizations, and volunteer all the time. Ironically, I am very outgoing and caring person and although I don’t have many people I feel I can confide in there are many people that trust me and may look to me for advice. I was a peer mentor and tutor and I enjoyed my job because I could inspire my students that didn’t believe in themselves to set goals and reach them. I was very passionate of that because I dropped out and lived on my own at a very young age and it was hard. Lots of people didn’t believe in me but I have things I’ve worked to achieve that I can say I’m proud of. Sadly, I do get weak emotionally at times. It’s like all the things and people from my past that have made me who I am haunt me and I feel like I’m behind even at a young age.

Slightly embarrassed by my thread, but it’s an eye opener. I’m working on finding a therapist and I’m keeping my mind busy catching up on some reading.

Again, thank you for your comments I really do appreciate it.

Sounds like you need professional help.

 

You need to learn to find something good to concentrate on. Misery loves company, and right now you are having one heck of a misery party.

Very true and I appreciate your comment..I was being very miserable, very cringe.

It is time to go to your primary care dr and get the ball rolling for some treatment. You and your kids deserve it.

Yeah I am working on it. I’m embarrassed and relieved. I was in tears writing this poorly written post. I’m obviously not completely in control and can’t just let things go. Thank you for commenting.

Focus on yourself, your kids, your health and getting to a doctor for a complete check up and referral to a therapist. Why don't you get along with your bf?

I’m in a relationship with my two youngest kid’s dad. I think my bf really isn’t in love with me. I’m lonely.

Focus on yourself, your kids, your health and getting to a doctor for a complete check up and referral to a therapist. Why don't you get along with your bf?

I’m going this week to see therapist. Bf doesn’t trust me and he has a bad temper. I could tell him something simple like oh I took a little bit longer going home because I stopped to look and see if something I want to buy is in stock so I don’t have to order it and that’s a lie no matter if he has proof (which he almost never has) or not I’m still a liar. So I just don’t bother telling him things that should be meaningless to avoid him overreacting or acting like I didn’t tell him the whole story and all hell breaking loose.I mean, what’s the point in the truth if you’re told you’re a liar all the time?

We are two very different people and we have different taste but when I want to do things he doesn’t I have to plan 2 weeks ahead so it’s not suspicious and he doesn’t feel like I’m lying about my plans. The crazy part is that he acts like he’s cool with me doing things without him but then in an argument insinuates I don’t pay attention to him or the kids because i hung out with a friend. So I haven’t got to hang with friends or even alone because doing things like that is “wrong”. It’s been 3 months...I do not go out a lot and when I say go out I do not mean going clubbing or drinking all the time . Sometimes I want to go to events at the museum or just walk downtown but hey I’m obviously up to no good so whatever.

Bf is a gamer doesn’t have many friends and although I’ve found an interest in things he likes it’s not “my thing” and I sometimes get annoyed with how one sided he can be for things to the point I wish he would just leave sometimes. Nothing I’m into is interesting, he doesn’t care to engage in conversations about things I like unless he is just talking about how something is weird or truly not interesting at all.

I’m not a cheater and don’t have the desire to and I think that is what boggles my mind. Idk how to come across as more trustworthy and be loving when I feel insulted and disrespected and then resentment. Meh....my life. I hope you’re doing well.