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Thread: 16 Years together, married 6, 2 kids and my wife's emotional affair

  1. #1
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    16 Years together, married 6, 2 kids and my wife's emotional affair

    This is my first post, and I apologies as its going to be quite the lengthy one, but I just have to get it out somewhere otherwise I feel like I will explode with emotions.

    Me and my (ex)wife have been in a relationship for 16 years, we met when she was 17 and I was 18. After a 4 year long distance relationship we moved in together and bought our first little 2 bed flat. In 2012 we finally got married and bought our first house. Life was good.
    Skip to 2014 and my wife was pregnant with our first child. The pregnancy and birth was...difficult to say the least. She had severe morning sickness and was hospitalised a couple of times due to not being able to hold down and food or water. That eventually passed and everything was great until the last trimester. We were away for a mini weekend break and during this time my wife went into labour, so we rushed to the hospital and that same evening she gave birth to out daughter, via an emergency C-Section (as my wife has health issues which I stuck by her with), 8 weeks premature and weighing roughly 1.2kg. It was a traumatising time for everyone, especially as my daughter ended up really ill to the point she stopped breathing at one point during her stay in the neonatal unit. But, after a few weeks, she was cleared to go home and off we went.

    I'll be the first to admit, that for the first few months I had very little interaction with my daughter as I was terrified that I would injure her or hurt her being the clumsy oaf I can be. However, after a while I learned that she's a tough little cookie and I enjoyed so much daddy/daughter time with her. Because she couldn't feed from the breast (due to being prem) she was on expressed breast milk fed via a bottle...so I could spend times feeding and cuddling her. I even used to do the night feeds to make sure my wife got a bit of a rest. (This paragraph will make more sense later).

    Another couple of years pass and my wife is pregnant with our Son. This pregnant was a little harder on my wife, though. She had the severe morning sickness again...but she also had a low iron count. She was booked into the hospital for an iron transfusion. This is where things got scary, as the transfusion started, my wife complained that her skin seemed to feel like it was burning, but the nurse there said that it is normal to feel tingling sometimes during this process...then my wife struggled to breath and lost consciousness. I was at work during all of this as she said she didn't need me there as this thing was routine. I got a phone call from the hospital saying what had happened...and I broke down at work. The gravity of it all hit me...I nearly lost the woman of my dreams, my soulmate, my partner, but most of all, I nearly lost my best friend.
    After she got over the iron deficiency, she got gestational diabetes and also during this time, we found out our son was breach the whole pregnancy. Then, in the later stages of the pregnancy she got hip-displacia(sp). Eventually, a week before her C-section was booked in, she was rushed into hospital and gave birth to a healthy boy (again C-section due to health). This birth was also a little stressful, as they injected my wife ready for the C-section, the surgeons were no where to be found. After about 30 minutes of waiting, the team pressed the emergency panic button...several times. I didn't really know what was going on, but a few days later my wife said she started leaking meconium and that if our son had been the correct way up, this would of been catastrophic. This pregnancy took its toll on my wifes body and and ruined her figure, she hated the way she looked and asked me about it, I used to tell her "You look the same to me now, as you did at 17, beautiful" but she would never believe me.

    Now, this is where I think the cracks started to appear in our marriage. I didn't feel a straight connection with our son, there just didn't seem to be a bond there. I love(d) him, but there was no paternal instinct there like there was with my daughter. When our son was brought home, he was breast fed for roughly 2 years...and I think this is where I lot of my resentment came from towards my wife and to an extent my son. Every time he was hungry and upset, he would constantly run to her because she could sooth him. Unlike with our daughter, I couldn't do night feeds, because I didn't have the tools, and my wife refused to express milk into a bottle for me. So, she got the short end of the stick with the first couple of years with our son.

    Now, just before our son was born, we had couples counselling because there was a lot of tension with where we lived. I wanted to move back up north to where I am from, but my wife wanted to stay down south where her family was, because it was her support network. After a few sessions I conceded that maybe down south is the best option, but also during the session it was recommended to my wife that she has a lot of unresolved issue from childhood and to seek solo counselling for that.

    Skip forward a year and this is where things start to go down hill for me. In December, her best friend of almost 20 years killed herself, but I think she holds me responsible for her not speaking to her before she died. 4 days before her death, we were 20 minutes from her house and my wife suggested we visit her, but it was late at night and we had a 3 hour car journey home with two kids in the back, so I told her that wasn't going to happen and that we can arrange to see her another time. She agreed and said she will message her friend when we got home...except she forgot and never did. Now, me and her friend never got on at all, I just didn't like her, and truthfully not many other people did (including her family), so when her funeral came around I went with my wife, but I didn't go with her to the ceremony and burial. I would of felt like a fraud standing there and not really caring. My wife had other friends she went with, but looking back, I should of swallowed my pride and been there for her to cry on my shoulder, but I was too stubborn. Weeks and even months after the funeral, she didn't really open up to me about it or talk to me much about it as I think she knew I wouldn't of been interested because of the type of person her friend was.

    Skip forward a couple of months and I had to work 6 days a week 8am until 10pm to get a 15m project completed on time otherwise the fines would of been astronomical. I thanked my team for the help they game me during this...but I never thanked my wife, who, while also working part time, was also looking after both kids at home and being a solo parent. I would come in exhausted and just either say hello and goodnight...or just come in and go straight to bed. During this month, she probably only saw me about 4 or 5 days.
    A couple weeks after that project finished, my wife had to go back to work full time. During this time she would complain she was tired constantly or had to work longer hours than expected to make sure things were done (she is a manager) and all I said to her was "so? I've been working my socks off for months and I don't complain". Looking back...what a total **** I was. So what if I had struggled on, this wasn't about me, it was about my wife who was struggling and I couldn't even get my head out of my arse to comfort her and talk to her about it. (She has never liked her job anyway, and on numerous occasions I have tried to get her to leave and even arranged interviews for other jobs, but she always said we needed the money to live...we didn't).

    Cue to about two months ago and we had a heated argument in the middle of the night and she shouted that she wanted a divorce. The next day, she was brutally honest with me and told me she hadn't been happy for months and that I must of seen it coming. Looking back, I can count several occasions she tried to talk to me about how she was feeling and I ignored them all, or just brushed them all off. Like her feelings aren't important to me, that's how cold I was. I asked if there was someone else and she said no, however, I asked a couple of days later and she confessed she had been talking to one of her work colleagues and that she had started to fall for him and that they have great chemistry, that he makes her feel happy and special and that she wants to pursue a relationship with him. She told me she loves me...but isn't in love with me.

    During this time I begged and pleaded with my wife that I will change for her...but all she said was "you need to change for you and the kids sake". She would often say that "I'm not saying we might not get back together, maybe in 6 months or even years down the line we might end up saying to each other 'why did we ever separate?' which I responded with "you just want you cake and eat it, that if this new relationship doesn't work out, good old dependable me will be here for you", but she never responded to that. I honestly think she is having some sort of breakdown and I was concerned so I decided to speak to her parents about it all, and even her father agreed with me, that he has noticed her moods and personality changed as of late. He went to talk to her, but it just make things worse, she just told me that I'm only like this because i'm not getting my own way and because she isn't jumping into line like she used to always do. The final straw was, we were due to go to a big event together, but I ripped up the tickets in front of her, childish I know...but I knew if I hadn't she would of gone with her new partner and I couldn't handle that.
    Things got even worse, as we had a family holiday booked and it was awkward to say the least. But even on the holiday I tried to rekindle some kind of loving response...one night she was up until 3am being sick, so I stayed up with her and made sure she was OK, as she went to bed, I saw her text her new man "I wish you were here with me right now"...that broke me. When we got back off holiday, things got so bad between us and she said something so hurtful, I had enough. I looked online on how to tie a noose and found the perfect place at work to hang myself, I just couldn't cope with this hurt any longer...the only reason I didn't was I saw a work colleague two days before and he stopped and talked to me...if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here telling my story.
    After that, I did something childish and probably a little emotionally abusing, I stonewalled her. I completely blanked her (even though we were currently living together) every time she tried to talk to me, I ignored her, or just walked off. I did this for 8 days solid, but during this time she said two things which made me feel ashamed and sorry for her "I'm a human too" and "you make me not want to come back home". on the 8th day I was ready to apologise and I sort of did I told her "The woman I fell in love with 16 years ago, that sweet loving person is dead. I don't know who you have become or are anymore, but from this point on, we are just strangers living in the same house. I don't want to have a friendship with you, however, for the sake of the children, I was talk to you regarding them, nothing more" she just nodded and said OK.

    That evening she went out until 0130am in the morning, spending it with her new partner, I know this cos when she came back home she was on the phone to him for another hour saying how great he is and how much better a person he is than me, all while I could hear her talking. A day after that, she went out at 7pm and came back in at 11pm with two police officers. She had me arrest for my behaviour...so I was taken into custody for 20 hours where she had made false allegations of controlling behaviour and assault on my youngest child (these were later dropped as there were proven not true). I was not allowed back in my family home for 48 hours and denied access to my own children. After the 48 hours I was to go to court and fight my case. They extended the order for 28 days, however, they allowed me access to my children via a third party.

    Her family have pretty much disowned her and have made it clear she is a disgusting person for doing this to me, but all she said was "That's what my solicitor said to do" and that "she didn't want me arrested or to stop me seeing the children". I am currently staying with the father-in-law until I can get a place of my own. But during all of this, she still doesn't see any remorse or is sorry for doing this to me. She is still bitter and angry at me.

    Now, I know this marriage break up isn't all her fault, I know I have been an absolute **** at times, and I am seeing a counsellor about trying to change my ways for the better, so I can feel more empathy towards people and to just listen to their struggles without dismissing them or trying to give them a solution. But...my wife isn't trying to resolve her own issues, I don't think she was properly grieved the loss of her friend.

    And still...after all of this...I want her back, I want to start a new relationship, a stronger bond...but I don't think she wants to anymore...she has given up trying to make this work. I think I have waited too late to sort out my own demons, that I have lost the woman who gave me so much, and took so little in return.

    I'm sorry for the long post/wall of text, but I just need to get this out of my system. I don't want to sound like the victim here, because I am most certainly not, I have probably contributed more than she has in the break down of our marriage and it was probably my behaviour that has turned her into the person she is today.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Clearly she had a good case against you regarding evidence of the abuse, otherwise the courts would not have issued an emergency restraining order or supervised visitation.You need to get yourself together for your kids and your future. You'll need a good criminal attorney and an even better divorce attorney. Stay far away from her and do not contact her unless you want more jail time.

    Find a place to live. You're better off divorced than exposing your kids to abuse. You two do not belong together. It's toxic. Focus on your mental health getting help for the anger/abuse problem and having a good job. You'll rarely see your kids unless you get your act together and start being clean as a whistle and the best father you can be.
    Originally Posted by TheWanderers
    she went out at 7pm and came back in at 11pm with two police officers. She had me arrest for my behaviour...so I was taken into custody for 20 hours where she had made false allegations of controlling behaviour and assault on my youngest child. After the 48 hours I was to go to court and fight my case. They extended the order for 28 days, however, they allowed me access to my children via a third party.

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    The order was based on probability, and not evidence. There is an increase of over 800% of this charge being made in my county as the police are trying to justify spending money on it.
    I spoke to my criminal lawyer who said there is no evidence and that the order is only made so that we have a cooling down period, it's a civil case, not criminal. I am allowed access to my children and I have full parental rights. However, because my wife got me on a DVPO she was entitled free legal aid by the state, which is why her solicitor suggested it.

    Not that I am defending my behaviour, but the justice system in England is so sexist and biased towards white males. My lawyer even told me that if I had phoned the police on the same thing as my wife...she wouldn't of even been questioned.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to stay away from her or you'll be back in jail. This isn't a court of law. The law states you need to stay away, so do that. It's that simple.

    You can whine about how unfair the system is to white males all you want all day long, but that doesn't change your legal problems and that attitude alone (no remorse, no insight) will worsen your case..
    Originally Posted by TheWanderers
    my wife got me on a DVPO she was entitled free legal aid by the state, which is why her solicitor suggested it. Not that I am defending my behaviour, but the justice system in England is so sexist and biased towards white males.

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    I have stayed away, and the order has now ran it's course.

    However, we all work at the same place, so staying away from her isn't an option as it's a small company. Plus I have co-parenting rights and access to my children with her. So advice on how to negate that area of family life is really appreciated.

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    It is true that the DVPO is not based on any evidence but merely a preventative measure based on the assumption that the allegation is true.

    It is my view that the both of you have drifted apart, having met and married at a very young age.

    Frankly, I was really annoyed at you when reading the attitude you had taken towards her complaint that she was constantly tired and worked longer hours at a job that she hated. I am also aware that you now know you should have been more sensitive towards her. Please remember that this is one of the little things that adds to the other little things that soon accumulates into a big problem. Solution: address this to her the very moment you realise you have been an *** and apologise with your heart (not just with words).

    The most important thing I noticed is that there is no effective communication between the two of you. Example: you stonewall her instead of communicating with her in a calm and loving manner. Her using either text messages or telephone conversations to her boyfriend to get at you instead of approaching you and communication with you in a calm and loving manner. That kind of behaviour is unhealthy and needs to stop.

    If you want my opinion, I feel that she has gone through the stages of marriage failure which are:-
    i. Confusion
    ii. Struggling
    iii. Miserable
    iv. Point of no return (which is the deepest and darkest pit)

    While in the deepest and darkest pit, she sees divorce as her hope and salvation, the greener pasture on the other side of the pit. If she is fixated on the divorce, she will cross the snap line and she will NOT look back.

    Where is she now? Is she miserable? Has she hit the point of no return? Has she crossed the snap line?

    If she is still in the pit, there may be hope only if BOTH of you are ready and prepared to seek counselling and sort out the problem. It would not work if either one of you is not prepared to work hard at resolution and I mean WORK REALLY HARD. A relationship does not fall into place like that. It needs hard work. Good luck.

    If she has crossed the snap line, then do let her go in peace. At least, she would be able let go of her anger and emotion and treat you in a civil manner as the father of her children.

    If you have to let her go, then let her go with love. She needs your well wishes to seek her future. This is the best love you can show to her. She may not appreciate it now but she will do so in the future, looking back at her life.

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    I think from your whole post it does sound like your marriage is truly over now. I think what your wife did to you regarding the abuse allegations is really awful and you definitely didn't deserve that. You were not physically abusive to her or the children, but you were emotionally abusive because you flat out ignored her for eight days straight. I think this was her way of showing you that she doesn't want you around and she wants you out of the house.

    I think some of your wife's behaviour was not great by any means but it sounds like you often acted very insensitive in the marriage. Yes she was probably more exhausted than you when she returned to full-time work because she had been violently ill during both her pregnancies and it broke down her body and her health. I don't have kids myself but my best friend has two kids and she said it took many months just to recover from each pregnancy. I think the fact that you also didn't seem to love your son came through and was a turn off for your wife. I don't think you were supportive when she came to you with her problems, after she had been through so much.

    I think the way you acted about her best friend was really bad. So what if you didn't like her, it wasn't about you. Going to the funeral services was not for her friend, it was for your wife and to support her. At this point the friend was dead anyway and this was an awful day for your wife and still you couldn't suck it up just for one short day and be there for your wife. If this was your wife's best friend for 20 years then obviously this woman was very important to her and it would have made her feel bad that you were so obvious about disliking her friend.

    I do think you need to explore in therapy why you can't feel any compassion and empathy and put yourself in other people's shoes. Especially in the shoes of a loved one, your wife of sixteen years.

    Anyway it sounds like your marriage is over now because she's already in another relationship. Your best course of action is probably to move out, get a divorce and moving forward be there for your children as much as possible and be supportive to them.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    She isn't doing this to you, you did to yourself. Your ego was bigger than your love for your family and your wife. The rest are just consequences. Unfortunately for you, you can burn bridges so hard that they are beyond repair. Sounds like your wife reached that point after trying whatever she could to make things better with you. This isn't sudden, it's a long hard road that lead you here and you are responsible, so do yourself a favor and don't play victim.

    There is an old saying about marriage, "when she ain't happy long enough, you'll end up alone and unhappy with only half your stuff."

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    You two both sound immature and vindictive. Petty, even. It sounds like you both could use some time to grow up as adults alone.

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    You made her life awful. You didn't show that you loved the children that she gave you; you complained about having to work when she stated she was tired; you belittled her; you wouldn't even go to her friend's funeral with her; and so much more...

    You were incredibly manipulative and it came right back and bit you in the bum. And then, instead of maturely addressing the issue, you had a temper tantrum and refused to speak for over a week!

    Why did you feel that you constantly needed to one-up her when she had an issue? Why were you so jealous of and threatened by your son? It sounds like you have some severe control issues. Do you even want access to your children? It sounds like you never truly bonded with them... Or are you wanting to see them as a way to punish her?

    What was your parents' marriage like? Was your father controlling of your mother? Where did you learn this behavior?

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