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Thread: 16 Years together, married 6, 2 kids and my wife's emotional affair

  1. #11
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    Actually - I have a bit of a different perspective. I don’t think you did anything wrong. I mean... you did... you weren’t the greatest husband and you were neglectful... but it sounds like you are self-aware and you know that.

    To me, the bigger problem was that she was unhappy, she didn’t really talk about it (at least enough so that you realized divorce was on the horizon), and then she met shiny new guy at work. Sorry - but old, boring marriage with problems needing lots of work will never look as attractive as shiny new guy who still poops rainbows and is in “trying to impress” mode.

    She didn’t really give you the opportunity to fix it, IMO. Kind of, yes, but not “let’s go back to counseling” levels. “You should have been able to read my mind and known I was on the brink of a divorce” doesn’t really cut it in a marriage, IMO.

    But here you are.

    As far as the lawyer thing - it’s true. This happens in Canada too. Lawyers frequently advise women that the only way to keep the house and get sole custody of the kids is if there was some form of abuse. So - “can you remember any time he was abusive?”. I actually know someone who was arrested for an incident that happened 5 years prior. It was the most flimsy claim. When the police went to arrest him they actually said “I hope you plan to fight this one - it’s really stupid” - but they arrested him anyways. It was dismissed - but not before she got her 30 day restraining order and had him booted out of the house with no access to the kids. Most people with scruples won’t take that route - but a lot do. And I’m sure her bf is cheering on the sidelines.

    The only thing you can do, IMO, is to lay low and play by the rules. Get yourself a lawyer. Try to de-escalate everything. Don’t be a doormat - but also don’t fight fire with fire. Play nice.

    I would not be at all surprised if, when they break up (they almost always break up) - she starts to view things a bit differently.

    ... but you really can’t bank on that...

    Right now, your focus needs to be on you and the kids and making sure you are ok. One day at a time. Do what you have to do in order to get through the day.

    It gets better, I promise.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by loyal
    You made her life awful. You didn't show that you loved the children that she gave you; you complained about having to work when she stated she was tired; you belittled her; you wouldn't even go to her friend's funeral with her; and so much more...

    You were incredibly manipulative and it came right back and bit you in the bum. And then, instead of maturely addressing the issue, you had a temper tantrum and refused to speak for over a week!

    Why did you feel that you constantly needed to one-up her when she had an issue? Why were you so jealous of and threatened by your son? It sounds like you have some severe control issues. Do you even want access to your children? It sounds like you never truly bonded with them... Or are you wanting to see them as a way to punish her?

    What was your parents' marriage like? Was your father controlling of your mother? Where did you learn this behavior?
    I could not believe I actually read that you did not go to the funeral.
    I attended funerals where my guy knew the person from back in the day and I had never met them. (maybe a classmate, maybe a friend that drifted away after a move), or people he knew through his profession that I would have never crossed paths with. One was an older person who was more his parents' friend and i could not stand the guy because of how he talked to his wife, but I went because my it was important to him and he was grieving. A different side of him was seen just around the guys and i was one of the few who picked up on how he treated women.

    Admit that its over, see a lawyer to establish your rights as far as visitation and joint custody.

  3. #13
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    Let me elaborate on the funeral, I went with her, but not into the ceremony. The reason I don't like this friend is because how abusive she was to my best friend; phycological and physical abuse, cheating and then ghosted him after a year living together leaving him with £15k dept. She literally destroyed a man who loved life and made him a shell. Not to mention she had given birth to two separate kids and abandoned them at the same age...so she could go and find a new partner. I could not stand over that grave and fake sadness.

    Also, I have been having counselling weekly, from the day she decided she loves me, but isn't in love with me. To try and get to the route of all the issues in our marriage I may have caused.
    The other thing I didn't mention is my wife has a history of mental health issues which I have always supported her with, no matter how bad it's gotten I have done everything to make sure she is got the help she needed to get through things.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by TheWanderers
    Let me elaborate on the funeral, I went with her, but not into the ceremony. The reason I don't like this friend is because how abusive she was to my best friend; phycological and physical abuse, cheating and then ghosted him after a year living together leaving him with £15k dept. She literally destroyed a man who loved life and made him a shell. Not to mention she had given birth to two separate kids and abandoned them at the same age...so she could go and find a new partner. I could not stand over that grave and fake sadness.

    Also, I have been having counselling weekly, from the day she decided she loves me, but isn't in love with me. To try and get to the route of all the issues in our marriage I may have caused.
    The other thing I didn't mention is my wife has a history of mental health issues which I have always supported her with, no matter how bad it's gotten I have done everything to make sure she is got the help she needed to get through things.
    What's more important...defending your behavior or trying to reconcile your family?

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by TheWanderers
    Let me elaborate on the funeral, I went with her, but not into the ceremony. The reason I don't like this friend is because how abusive she was to my best friend; phycological and physical abuse, cheating and then ghosted him after a year living together leaving him with £15k dept. She literally destroyed a man who loved life and made him a shell. Not to mention she had given birth to two separate kids and abandoned them at the same age...so she could go and find a new partner. I could not stand over that grave and fake sadness.

    Also, I have been having counselling weekly, from the day she decided she loves me, but isn't in love with me. To try and get to the route of all the issues in our marriage I may have caused.
    The other thing I didn't mention is my wife has a history of mental health issues which I have always supported her with, no matter how bad it's gotten I have done everything to make sure she is got the help she needed to get through things.
    You did not go to the funeral. Going means entering the church or chapel or funeral home where the funeral takes place, not sitting in the car outside. funerals are to comfort the LIVING, not the dead. It doesn't matter if the deceased was a jerk - a funeral helps loved ones cope, receive comfort etc. my guy would absolutely go to the funeral of an estranged family member even if they were a jerk - for his own closure and to lend support to the deceased one's parents, kids, etc
    Also, if you knew things were not right with the marriage,waiting to go to counseling when the other party has a foot out the door is too little, too late.

  7. #16
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    I got lost in the details and don't know what you're asking OP. Can you boil this down to a statement and a question?

  8. #17
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    Sure,

    How do I get over something this devastating? Even with counselling and friend and family support, I just keep going over and over everything in my mind. The thought of them together...in our family home and our bed.
    I haven't eaten anything for nearly 2 months, I'm surviving alone on juice and water, I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night since I found out.

  9. #18
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    Two months is not very long at all, although it probably feels like a lifetime. You don't move past a relationship that lasted nearly two decades in two months.

    Continue with the counseling, and accept support from friends and family. Eventually you will start to feel differently. You won't "forget", but you will begin to learn to live with your new normal.

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