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Thread: Break up advice

  1. #1

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    Break up advice

    Hi everyone,

    I wanted to give some context on the relationship and really hope to get everyone's advice. It really hurt me when we broke up and I don't know what I should do.

    I have been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months now. We knew each other from Hinge. I am 30 years old and he is 32. He divorced four years ago and has an 8 year old daughter who lives with his ex wife because my boyfriend is going back to school and he believes it is better for his daughter to live with his ex wife as his ex wife remarried and the new husband is a good father.

    When we first started dating, he asked me if I wanted kids and if I wanted to get married. I told him yes I wanted a family. He did not say anything when I said so. Whenever I talked about my little nieces, he always commented that I seemed to be good with kids. Everything he said did not trigger anything in my mind about he did not want to have a baby. The last two weeks when we were still together, I told him about the babyshowers of my coworkers and how cute the babies were. He said I seemed very happy and I told him they were my close friends, of course I was happy for them. I really meant it and I did not think about anything else. The whole time we were dating, I had never pressured him about getting a baby or getting married at all since we just started.

    I noticed he became distant, texts and calls were a lot less. He used to text me the "good morning" or "good night", and send me the "kissed" emojis randomly throughout the day, or the "I miss you, baby and I can't wait to see you again" (We live 1.5 hours away, he did not have car so I drove to see him once a week). But then when I texted him, he took really long to reply or sometimes did not reply at all. One night I asked him what was wrong and he told me, to my surprise, the baby talk annoyed him a lot. He said though I did not pressure him at all, he still felt uncomfortable. He told me he did not want to have kids again, or never see himself get married again. He did not think that far ahead. I did not want to marry him now, I just want to spend time with him. Since my 7 year relationship broke up, I have never found anyone that I could be myself around, or wanted to be around all day. We knew each other so well and just thought of seeing him gave me butterflies and I was looking for the day of the week I could see him. He was very gentle and caring.

    He broke up with me and told me he liked me so much to know that I must be with someone else to be happy. He could not give me the family I wanted because I wanted both a partner and children. I have thought about what he said the whole week and I think what I look for is a partner I can spend the rest of my life with, I don't even need to have my own biological child because I have thought about adoption for a while. There are just too many children that don't have a family and I don't really think there is much of a difference between biological and adopted child. I'll love them the same. I can't think I will be happy with anyone else and he said the same when we first talked.

    My family did not approve me dating him because they think he does not have much feelings for me as I have for him, and I already have a stable life while he is still in school (He will be for the next 5 years). And it was also because he broke up with me and did not give the relationship a second thought. I know I like him a lot and I don't really want to let him go. I want to talk to him again, but I also know there is a very high chance he will never get married with me and I will just stay as his girl friend if we continue dating regardless of how many more years will pass. However, if things ever not working for us in the future, then I will have wasted the time that I could have used to find a husband and have a family. On the other side, I am also afraid I will never be able to find anyone that makes me feel happy as when I am with him.

    I have been struggling between these two thoughts and I do not know what to do. Anyone has been in my situation, can you let me know what you decided? Thank you so much.

  2. #2
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    There was a reason he asked you if you wanted marriage and children early into your relationship, OP. You gave him an honest answer. He took that on board and thought about your and his respective goals, and they don't line up.

    Backtracking now and telling him that you don't mind adopting, for example, is moot and going to seem insincere. He doesn't want more children, period. I think conceiving is only part of the equation there; he doesn't appear to want to raise another child.

    Your family probably also saw something there that you didn't. Not in terms of him being in school, but with regards to your feelings being stronger than his. I don't doubt that not wanting marriage or children again was a significant factor in his decision to break up, but he may also simply just not have strong interest in you and knows he can't keep this going when there is such a difference in investment.

    I would be relieved you found this all out now, rather than another year from now, for example. It hurts, and it will take time to heal, but this man wasn't the right guy for you.

  3. #3
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    I'm sorry, but I think he was simply looking for a way out. Instead of being honest about his lack of feelings, he threw in the baby/marriage stuff. Unfortunately, he does not see you as a longterm partner. Thankfully, this was a short relationship.

    Block and delete.

    Don't ever sacrifice your dream of marriage and children for a man.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    He actually gave you the kindest cut. He broke up with you because there is no sense you wasting your time and energy on a relationship that isn't going anywhere. Both of you obviously don't want the same visions in life. He made it clear to you that he doesn't wish to remarry nor have children yet you wish for children and marriage someday whether adopted or not. Why extend this relationship when both of you don't want the same thing? It's senseless.

    Both of you are at different stages in life. He's a father already and has to help raise his 8 year old daughter. He's committed to his daughter and has major responsibilities for the next 10 years at least. He has baggage. You have a stable life already.

    It's better to be alone than lonely and miserable with a man who can't give you what you want which is a family, financial stability and stellar character. Change the way you think, focus on yourself, become successful, prosper in your own way and then you will attract the type of man who deserves you.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It's only been 20 weeks of dating so cut your losses. Listen to your family, they are right about him. If you want a stable relationship with a man who is ready willing and able to form a relationship and eventually have a family with, this is not your guy. Divorced, kids, no car, no job, student, LDR, etc.
    Originally Posted by hannahlv
    -my boyfriend is going back to school
    -We live 1.5 hours away,
    -he did not have car so I drove to see him once a week.
    -My family did not approve me dating him because they think he does not have much feelings for me as I have for him, and I already have a stable life while he is still in school (He will be for the next 5 years).

  7. #6
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    It is not stated in your post but can I assume that you are single and you do not have your own child(ren)?

    If so, why are you getting yourself involved with a divorcee with underlying issues and a kid? You deserve better. You should be with a single man who has never married and has no child(ren). Trust me, they are not a rare breed, they are out there.

    I don't wish to diss anyone who has step relations, so don't get me wrong. But I am speaking from experience: been there, done it, got the T-shirt and don't want any more of that rubbish, thank you. I am sure a majority of those who have step relations will no doubt agree with me that life can be tricky when step relations are involved. There are of course exceptions and if you are the lucky happy exception, congrats.

    Your boyfriend has done the right thing by being honest and you should respect that level of honesty. I am sure you'd rather someone hurt you with an honest statement than to lead you on (and waste your time) with a lie. I think you had better to cut your losses immediately. The pain is real. Yes, I know. I have been there. I feel for you but under the circumstances, you must try to listen to your brain and not your heart.

    My advice is: forget him and move on. Please do not waste your time over someone who has decided that both your goals and ideals are not aligned. Your time is priceless and you can give someone your time but you can't get it back. Remember that.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    This doesn't seem like the right person for you and it also seems like you're only just stretching your wings after a seven year relationship has ended. Give yourself time and space to see other people and meet new people. You're emotionally attached to this person you've been seeing for the past five months. I understand that. You also seem to have latched on and you think highly of him because he's the first person you've been able to be yourself around. We don't often forget people who bring that out in ourselves so learn to appreciate the good memories and that you had this experience at all.

    Take that experience and learn from it: that there are good people out there who will transform you in subtle ways and bring out your good (even great) sides. These influences are wonderful for positive growth and learning. It will also reaffirm your confidence in yourself and those experiences return back to us or restore faith in others, confidence and respect in others. I don't think you should look back and think about what a failure, for example, this was. It's an invaluable experience, what you found in this short relationship.

    Move forward now with a better understanding of who you are, what you might want out of life, keep exploring new ideas about building a family. I'd strongly suggest you pair your goals and desires with someone more willing to grow with you. This fresh out of a long term relationship, go into new experiences all eyes wide open. Listen more, ask more questions, take your time and live in the moment. Pay attention to the way individuals around you respond to you and the way you respond to them. Try to continue seeking positive growth and continue making decisions that maintain your identity and grow your identity when it comes to what you eventually want to be.

    The answers are never instant and rarely happen exactly when you want them. Be patient with yourself and patient with the whole dating thing. Relax into yourself and be at ease, children or no. When you get to the point where you find your locus or your peace, you'll realize your own faith in yourself and that you'll always do the right thing for you. Keep growing. It will all come to you eventually.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    When it comes to breakups, attempting to overcome objections isn't a great idea. A choice to break up is far different than raising an issue to work through as a couple. All relationships being voluntary, nobody needs to build a case to get out of one. They can either offer a reason for wanting out, or not, but often it's just a smokescreen for not knowing how to just say, "This isn't working for me, and I want out."

    I'd trust that if the two of you were really a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday, but you'll both need to reach that place on your own. I'd focus on healing, and I'd make it my goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a fabulous future for myself. That's the best platform for learning how to screen out people who's goals don't match your own in order to find the RIGHT match for you.

    Head high.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by hannahlv
    Hi everyone,

    He broke up with me and told me he liked me so much to know that I must be with someone else to be happy. He could not give me the family I wanted because I wanted both a partner and children. I have thought about what he said the whole week and I think what I look for is a partner I can spend the rest of my life with, I don't even need to have my own biological child because I have thought about adoption for a while. There are just too many children that don't have a family and I don't really think there is much of a difference between biological and adopted child. I'll love them the same. I can't think I will be happy with anyone else and he said the same when we first talked.
    I'm sorry to say that he was trying to ease your pain. He broke up with you because he does not want a relationship with you. You have not wasted time, but you will waste time if you continue to sulk about him.


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