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Thread: To reach out to an ex or not?

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jun 2019
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    To reach out to an ex or not?

    My ex broke up with me (for the second time) a few months ago. After the first breakup, he was really grateful for getting back together so I thought maybe he just made his decision too abruptly. The second time, he was also dealing with a possible move to another city. I think the move had more to do with the breakup but he pretty much gave me the same reasons as the first time. Some generic things about that we're different and he wasn't feeling it. I am not sure still if the move or these reasons had more to do with it. On one hand, I don't know why he would tell me these things if they weren't true but on the other, if these reasons were a huge deal then why get back together? I think the move had more to do with it and honestly I don't think he is actually moving now but I am still unsure of this and his reasons.

    Understandably, I got pretty upset the second breakup but I apologized and my ex would still go up and talk to me. Me ex said some pretty hurtful things too though so to get some space I deleted their number and them off social media. My ex found out and this upset him. I think this indicates he was not indifferent about the breakup or maybe he felt guilty. He stopped talking to me but we were slowly exchanging smiles and since we have mutual friends, hanging out in groups. I would sometimes avoid eye contact and I have not gone up to him to say anything.
    He went traveling so I didn't see him for a while and when he came back I found out he was going through a life-changing health complication. I was stunned and with intentions of saying something, friended him on social media and he added me back. I did already have intentions of trying something like this when he got back from traveling but the things he was going through pushed me to do it even more. I never said anything though because I have been nervous and I am scared to hear something I don't want to hear.
    When my ex was going through the depths of his health issue, he would avoid being near me, avoid eye contact, or look away if I made eye contact. Now that he is feeling better, he stands near me and sometimes I catch him looking at me but now I am the one who is looking away. I really don't understand the shift but we still haven't gone up to talk to each other. I also cannot decide if this is indifference, or curiosity, or a little hot-and-cold on his part.
    Like I said, he has added me back on social media and I know he sees what I post. He even watched my story the other day but this could have been unintentional.
    I have thought about at least saying something to offer some support due to his health complication but I really wish he would reach out since he is the one who broke up. A part of me wonders that, even if he did want to maybe he thinks I want nothing to do with him or is waiting for me to be ready. I do not feel 100% emotionally ready but it has been 5 months since the break up and about 4 of no contact or low contact. The longer I wait, I feel that more resentment will grow. In an ideal world, I would like to get back together but at the very least I would like to make some amends. My ex and I share a hobby and I have almost decided not to go anymore because I just get so sad when I see him. I do want to continue my hobby but I also still have feelings for my ex so I just don't know what to do anymore.

  2. #2
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    I don't see a reason to reach out to him.

    He's broken up with you twice. He's been largely out of touch for 5 months.

    These are clear signals that he just doesn't have strong feelings for you. I would try to accept that so you can move on and eventually find someone who reciprocates your interest in equal measure.

  3. #3
    Silver Member
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    Please, value yourself more than this. You get one shot at life - don't waste time with people who don't want to be with you that much!

    Everything you write is about HIM. What about you? What about your self-esteem?

    I'm saying this cos I've done it to death, but never again! I 'spent' seven years with an ex who would be fantastic (like genuinely lovely) for about eighteen months and then leave. I wouldn't be trying to read into stuff though, as you are - I immediately went no contact and didn't look at any social media, or reply to anything once he went. When the loss hit him a few months later, he'd beg to come back and I'd ignore that too. He'd start to send me random things (eventually a weekly shopping delivery!!!!), turn up leaving stuff (I wouldn't answer), email and write letters saying I was his soulmate and begging for another chance. After months of this I'd give in.

    Guess what? It was the same every time! Despite all of his dramatics, he didn't really have any remorse about how he'd treated me, or do any of the work required to make me feel secure again and no matter how good it got I was always waiting for the horrible conversation (and complete personality switch) telling me he needed space again. It didn't only cost me time, it cost me my self-respect and confidence. I finally took things into my own hands and threw him out when it was clear he was about to do the same thing again. (After having left...three? four? times in seven years?)

    And each time he came back, he'd actually begged and pleaded and made it clear what he wanted! Yours isn't even doing that! (Not that that should make any difference). I bet he isn't *that* much of a catch...mine certainly wasn't.

    Value yourself more and find someone else.

  4. #4

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    I'm not going to find someone else because I don't want someone else

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  6. #5
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    He told you that he is not into you. Why in the world would you go for round 3? This is masochistic!

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by pink334
    I'm not going to find someone else because I don't want someone else
    That is dramatic. He does not want you. You need to accept it.

    Giving eye contact is nothing. You should have blocked him on everything. You are intentionally hurting yourself.

    How long did you date?

  8. #7

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    We dated for a few months. But the thing is, I still have to see him all the time and I still have feelings for him. I want to be back together and if we don't get back together, I will probably stop doing my hobby that I really enjoy.

  9. #8
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    You dated a couple of months and he broke up with you twice. C'mon.

    Then do things that will not include him. Why would you want to get back together with someone who does not value/respect you? You have been pining over some almost three times longer than you dated. You need to address why you would do this.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
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    Originally Posted by pink334
    We dated for a few months. But the thing is, I still have to see him all the time and I still have feelings for him. I want to be back together and if we don't get back together, I will probably stop doing my hobby that I really enjoy.
    That is sometimes the collateral of a break-up.

    If you cannot see him without feeling low, it would be best to stay away from places where you know he'll be - at least until you're much more indifferent about him. It is unfortunate that it will affect a hobby you really like, but it also sounds as though you're having difficulty moving on because you're seeing him there.

    If he wanted to be with you, you'd know it by now. It appears that he doesn't mind seeing you out and about, but reconciliation isn't on his mind.

  11. #10

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    Jun 2019
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    Like I said in my post, he wasn't around for more than a month and my feelings did not change at all once I saw. I don't think any amount of time will help. I will always want to make things work. Honestly, I have no idea what is going on in his mind. All I know is that neither of us is talking to the other

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