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Thread: To reach out to an ex or not?

  1. #41
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    Another one of my projects was in Chinatown teaching computer basics,. Made a lot of friends through that group. All of the groups that I volunteer with on a weekly basis allows me to make friends and interact with others.

  2. #42
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Since you have mutual friends with him, just act natural. Don't be mean nor too nice; sort of in between. Just remain civil, polite yet distant in a respectful way. Don't try to be pals or friends. Be diplomatic and nothing else. Enforce healthy boundaries.

    Forget about shared hobbies with your ex. Go your own way. It's unhealthy to dwell on your ex. It's time to move on with your life - - without him.
    that is pretty much what i have been doing but it hasn't been working as you can tell. i feel bad not looking at him or talking at all though. i feel so sad around him and i don't know what to do
    but these are also my hobbies, he just happens to be there too

  3. #43
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Since you have mutual friends with him, just act natural. Don't be mean nor too nice; sort of in between. Just remain civil, polite yet distant in a respectful way. Don't try to be pals or friends. Be diplomatic and nothing else. Enforce healthy boundaries.

    Forget about shared hobbies with your ex. Go your own way. It's unhealthy to dwell on your ex. It's time to move on with your life - - without him.
    The problem is is that she sees him at the dance. She cannot get over him if she sees him on a regular basis.

  4. #44
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Another one of my projects was in Chinatown teaching computer basics,. Made a lot of friends through that group. All of the groups that I volunteer with on a weekly basis allows me to make friends and interact with others.
    those all sound nice but they are not my thing. i like being active and socializing which is why dance works for me. i have met way more people since i started doing this than any other volunteer gig I've had (and i have done many) or other hobby. I used to volunteer for a convention in my city, had friends through there but the leadership changed and I am not really into the convention anymore anyways.

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  6. #45
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    The problem is is that she sees him at the dance. She cannot get over him if she sees him on a regular basis.
    my dance group does lots of things together. sometimes he is there, sometimes he is not. i want to continue doing this style of dance though. i have already signed myself up for a weekend near the end of this month (not sure if he will be there) and I plan on going to an out-of-town event in a few months (he will probably be there). honestly, stopping is not going to go well for me. i really enjoy this and i don't really want another hobby. i thought eventually seeing him would get easier but it has not.

  7. #46
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    also.... we have over 100 mutual friends on facebook. partly why i added him back is because i realized either way it made no difference. i will literally always know what he is up to haha

  8. #47
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    Originally Posted by pink334
    then what am I supposed to do? If I can't have him and I can't dance. What purpose will I have?
    This is your wake-up call that you need to expand your life, OP.

    Centering your whole world around some guy you dated a few months and one single hobby isn't healthy. You badly need to look at extending your horizons, making new friends, and building up your life so you aren't totally lost when one aspect of it doesn't work out.

    This could be part of the reason he ended it with you. Most men are not going to be comfortable if they sense a woman doesn't have much of a life outside of them and depend too heavily on them for purpose and happiness, especially when the relationship was quite short. It's too much pressure and just not attractive. The more you write, the more I am convinced that he saw this in you and backed away. If it's obvious to us here on the anonymous internet, it will magnified in person. I guarantee it.

  9. #48
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    This is your wake-up call that you need to expand your life, OP.

    Centering your whole world around some guy you dated a few months and one single hobby isn't healthy. You badly need to look at extending your horizons, making new friends, and building up your life so you aren't totally lost when one aspect of it doesn't work out.

    This could be part of the reason he ended it with you. Most men are not going to be comfortable if they sense a woman doesn't have much of a life outside of them and depend too heavily on them for purpose and happiness, especially when the relationship was quite short. It's too much pressure and just not attractive. The more you write, the more I am convinced that he saw this in you and backed away. If it's obvious to us here on the anonymous internet, it will magnified in person. I guarantee it.
    ok i am a bit emotional so i think that is coming across more than anything but i do have lots of other hobbies.

    I have even found new hobbies since the break up to keep myself busy. And there were hobbies i had that kept me busy during certain nights of the week while we were dating so he knows i have other things. He even said that he was happy with me doing my own thing. I kept myself busy on nights too when he had his own thing going on. I think it is perfectly normal and healthy to do that as a couple. Actually it was quite refreshing because the guy i dated before him didn't have his own stuff. I had to see him every saturday night to hangout for example because he didn't have anything else going on.

    The reason i keep saying that i won't have something else is because i have made a lot of friends in this hobby. I feel like i have finally found my niche and that was such a hard thing to find

  10. #49
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    Keep working on those other hobbies, too.

    You're operating under the assumption that your ex will always be there. He might not be. When he starts dating someone else, his attention could easily drift elsewhere and you naturally won't see him as much anymore. Or, he might simply prioritize other interests.

    I think your biggest problem right now is that you don't want to let go, so you are making all kinds of excuses not to do so. You want someone here to encourage you to reach out to him, as I'm reading it, so you are trying to frame your situation as having basically no other options so you might as well get in touch with him. That's my strong impression from your posts, for what it's worth. As long as you keep that up, you will remain in a painful place for a very long time.

  11. #50
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Keep working on those other hobbies, too.

    You're operating under the assumption that your ex will always be there. He might not be. When he starts dating someone else, his attention could easily drift elsewhere and you naturally won't see him as much anymore. Or, he might simply prioritize other interests.

    I think your biggest problem right now is that you don't want to let go, so you are making all kinds of excuses not to do so. You want someone here to encourage you to reach out to him, as I'm reading it, so you are trying to frame your situation as having basically no other options so you might as well get in touch with him. That's my strong impression from your posts, for what it's worth. As long as you keep that up, you will remain in a painful place for a very long time.
    I have done a lot of things to move on and nothing has helped. I am starting to accept that I will not move on. I really still want to reach out though so we can at least be nice to each other. Even though he doesn't want me and will eventually find someone else. I can be happy knowing that things are ok between us.

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