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Thread: To reach out to an ex or not?

  1. #11

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    he's the only person I've ever dated who I really felt happy with. I dated someone for 2 years prior to this and have more feelings for my most recent guy than I ever did for him.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can I ask how old you both are and how long this relationship was?

  3. #13

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    I am 27 and he is 36. The relationship was a few months.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by pink334
    Like I said in my post, he wasn't around for more than a month and my feelings did not change at all once I saw. I don't think any amount of time will help. I will always want to make things work. Honestly, I have no idea what is going on in his mind. All I know is that neither of us is talking to the other
    You don't know that.

    You're currently telling yourself that because you don't want to concede that it's over, and has been for a while. The narrative we write in our own heads can be a powerful story, but you can't decide that time won't help when you haven't yet taken the necessary steps to really let go.

    Let me ask you this: how will you feel if you find out someday that he's met another woman and has started seeing her?

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by pink334
    Like I said in my post, he wasn't around for more than a month and my feelings did not change at all once I saw. I don't think any amount of time will help. I will always want to make things work. Honestly, I have no idea what is going on in his mind. All I know is that neither of us is talking to the other
    Nothing is going on in his mind regarding you. He does not want to date you.

    I not trying to be rude, but I thought you were a teenager.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I get that breakups are hard. But, like others are saying, you are fixating right now on dramatic storylines that make this more tragic than it is. It's a guy you liked a lot who didn't pan out, didn't like you back the same way. Just a few months, not a marriage, not a romance for the ages.

    You've spent far more time apart at this point—and more time not talking—than you ever spent together. Think about that for a minute. That means the thing you're holding onto right now exists mainly in your imagination, and you're feeding that with the thinest of morsels: a story view, a follow accept. That stuff is not real. That's just the exhaust fumes of a fire that went out a while back.

    These short ones can sting, I know. All that hope, all that potential. We do a lot of protecting with people early, and when we lose that projection screen it's painful. But you kind of have to see that that's what it was: a screen on which you were playing a film that was not real. If it was real, you wouldn't be posting here, wouldn't have been breaking up and getting back together in such a tight window. You'd just have been getting to know someone. Since that didn't happen, it means he's not the guy for you—not into it, as they say.

    No point being into people who aren't into us. Mourn the loss, but don't eat the crumbs. There's a real meal out there. He's not it.

  8. #17

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    You don't know that.

    You're currently telling yourself that because you don't want to concede that it's over, and has been for a while. The narrative we write in our own heads can be a powerful story, but you can't decide that time won't help when you haven't yet taken the necessary steps to really let go.

    Let me ask you this: how will you feel if you find out someday that he's met another woman and has started seeing her?
    I would be even more heart broken than I am now

  9. #18

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I get that breakups are hard. But, like others are saying, you are fixating right now on dramatic storylines that make this more tragic than it is. It's a guy you liked a lot who didn't pan out, didn't like you back the same way. Just a few months, not a marriage, not a romance for the ages.

    You've spent far more time apart at this point—and more time not talking—than you ever spent together. Think about that for a minute. That means the thing you're holding onto right now exists mainly in your imagination, and you're feeding that with the thinest of morsels: a story view, a follow accept. That stuff is not real. That's just the exhaust fumes of a fire that went out a while back.

    These short ones can sting, I know. All that hope, all that potential. We do a lot of protecting with people early, and when we lose that projection screen it's painful. But you kind of have to see that that's what it was: a screen on which you were playing a film that was not real. If it was real, you wouldn't be posting here, wouldn't have been breaking up and getting back together in such a tight window. You'd just have been getting to know someone. Since that didn't happen, it means he's not the guy for you—not into it, as they say.

    No point being into people who aren't into us. Mourn the loss, but don't eat the crumbs. There's a real meal out there. He's not it.

    but he is still the guy I want and need. I don't want someone else. There is no one else out there. I haven't met anyone in my entire life up to this point who I loved like him and there will not be another. I want it to work out with him

  10. #19
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    You sound like the type of person who loses themselves in a relationship. You won't let go of the situation, even though it no longer benefits you at all to chase this guy, because you have no identity without him.

    At least admit to yourself that there is more going on here than just you being in love with him. You want him to make you feel good about yourself and to give you purpose.

    He isn't responsible to tell you who you are though, and there's no evidence that he cares how you feel at all. By all means, keep chasing him, but people on this forum are never going to tell you it's going to work out in the long-run.

  11. #20

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    Originally Posted by SGH
    You sound like the type of person who loses themselves in a relationship. You won't let go of the situation, even though it no longer benefits you at all to chase this guy, because you have no identity without him.

    At least admit to yourself that there is more going on here than just you being in love with him. You want him to make you feel good about yourself and to give you purpose.

    He isn't responsible to tell you who you are though, and there's no evidence that he cares how you feel at all. By all means, keep chasing him, but people on this forum are never going to tell you it's going to work out in the long-run.
    Well I have tried really hard. I even deleted his number and removed him from social media. Which upset him a lot more than I was expecting.
    I just can't stop having feelings for him though. It's been so months and I still feel the same way. And I'm so confused about everything. I just don't get what happened or what is even happening right now. The things I've been doing to help myself get over it don't even help because everyone knows him there or he is there too. I just feel like there is nothing I can do.
    I still feel so bad about things to and I wonder if the only way to deal with that is by talking to him but I don't want to talk to him and feel worse either. Like I can barely even look at him when we're in the same room and that makes me feel like I am being rude and pushing him away even further. I just don't know what to do

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