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Thread: To reach out to an ex or not?

  1. #91
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm not sure what you've been through, but rejection, disappointment, and hard times do not have to lead to a fear-based mode of processing things. Much of life, at least from what I've gathered in 39 years, is rejection, disappointment, and hard times.

    Lord knows I've got some good stories—and wounds—from stuff like that. Name an arrow that can cut into the heart, and odds are its found me. But I'm not scared of more, because I just don't want to be guided by fear. I think that's a choice we make far more than it's the result of trauma. Indeed, it's a choice some of us make to cope with trauma, but it has its limitations.

    I think when you see people on here suggesting therapy what they're seeing is that maybe your coping mechanisms aren't really helping you cope. This happens, from time to time, and we need to reset the scales. Maybe it's not therapy for you, but it might be worth questioning if you'd like to find an approach to hardship that is not fear-based.

  2. #92
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    Well pink, all this negativity, whether it’s justified or not, isn’t getting or taking you anywhere except down.

    It’s really a choice, you can choose to be miserable for the rest of life, holding tightly to all the crap you’ve experienced and wallowing in self-pity OR you can choose to take steps to HEAL and be happy.

    You think you’re the only one who has been through what you have? The only one who’s ever been dumped, rejected, misled, hurt, deceived, cheated on, lied to, shyt on?

    The answer to that is NO, as I said, I won’t even go into all the bullshyt I’ve experienced but it’s A LOT! I bet way more than you even. Many MANY others have too.

    Unlike you however, I choose to NOT wallow in self-pity and negativity, I choose to see that glass half-full. I am strong and resilient and I choose to bounce back, to own my mistakes, to learn from them, to grow, to evolve.

    And to FORGIVE. Yes I said forgive. Those who I felt had done me wrong, I forgive and MOVE ON.

    That does not mean I forget, but I forgive, why? For ME. So I don't become jaded and bitter, as so many people choose to do. Which bitterness holds them back from enjoying life and being happy.

    Like you I am also not a huge believer in therapy and have voiced that on this forum on many threads. I didn’t find it helpful either.

    But I learned to help myself in other ways; I did lots or reading, not cheesy self-help books but solid reputable books about inter-personal relationships and life in general, by reputable authors. I took up Yoga, which calms me and centers me, I surround myself with positive people and reject the negative ones.

    I choose to see positive instead of negative with respect to everything I experience!

    This was all a CHOICE I made and boy am I happy I did. I am not going to say I still don’t struggle sometimes, cause I do, but I am happy. I have a beautiful boyfriend, we work through the ups and downs and come out the other side stronger.

    Now you might say, well no guy ever sticks with me, and I say because you are so damn negative! I mean no disrespect but your negativity and self-pity is literally dripping from your pores; we can all see it dripping on this forum in nearly every post you write.

    And trust me no matter how hard you try to hide by acting indifferent or however you act, these men can see it! They can sense it from your energy. You can't hide your energy pink no matter how hard you try.

    Again, not trying to be mean or hurt you, but we’ve tried to help you kindly and compassionately and still you choose to see nothing but negative.

    Yes it IS exhausting, you are absolutely right! And not just for you either, but for everyone in your life, those who choose to stick around, that is.

    Again, it's your choice. Live it, own it, however you deem fit.

    And if you choose misery over happiness, that's your choice too, and if that's the case, if that's your truth, then own it and accept it.

    But if you choose happiness, then for the love of *, stop whining about it and take steps to achieve it!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-01-2019 at 06:38 PM.

  3. #93
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Pink, you've gotten great advice! Our stories are so similar,I'm even benefiting from the advice you got!

    I agree with Katrina and bluecastle. Acceptance is the key. Accept all your feelings, negative and positive. Feel them and sit with them, don't think, just feel, if that makes sense. I believe you, you will probably always love him, just try not to act on it because, by the facts you have now, he doesn't want to be with you and that itself, makes a relationship not possible by definition.

    If you think you can handle contacting him now without getting drawn back in and ending up obsessing more over him, then do it. I'm also thinking about contacting my ex, because I lived through all of the emotions and anger has subsided. I'm not sure I can handle it yet, so that's what's holding me back. As for hopes of reconciliation, let's assume that my ex realized he made a mistake, even though all evidence proves otherwise, I can't go back to a person who ditched me twice without even being able to communicate and give me a chance to work through our problems. That right there is a sign that our communication was off, and even if we do get back together right now, it'll still probably be off.

    What helps me not indulge in thoughts and hopes of getting back together, is thinking that if it's gonna happen, it'll take years. This way my anxiety goes down,I stop wanting him NOW, and stop obsessing about him, and also I'm true to my feelings, which are still there, even if they're not as strong as when we were together. If it's meant to be, it will be. I know that by the time those years pass, my feelings will most likely have passed too.

    Another thing that helps me, and this is proven, every next guy is a bit better than the last, so if I met and fell for this ex, I can't imagine how amazing the next one will be.

    Until then, I'm working on myself for myself. Relationships are bonuses in life, that's how I see them. I need to solve my insecurities first, make a lovely life for me and then find someone to share it with. At the same time I'm working on me regarding my issues on how I act in relationships and why I keep getting attached to unavailable men. Therapy is helping me so much on this.

    I get why some people are against therapy, but if you've only tried it once, with one therapist, I strongly recommend you try it again, but try several therapists before you decide which one suits you. I was also kinda against therapy as I had already been to two therapists and saw no progress. Found huge success in the third. It's CBT therapy, if that helps. It's not only about the method they use though, it's also about the chemistry with the therapist themselves.

    Anyway, I can so much relate to what you're going through, it's uncanny. All of us here indeed have good intentions, and indeed, we don't know your whole story, in the end, it's your call. Trust your instincts.

  4. #94
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980

    Now you might say, well no guy ever sticks with me, and I say because you are so damn negative! I mean no disrespect but your negativity and self-pity is literally dripping from your pores; we can all see it dripping on this forum in nearly every post you write.

    And trust me no matter how hard you try to hide by acting indifferent or however you act, these men can see it! They can sense it from your energy. You can't hide your energy pink no matter how hard you try.

    Again, not trying to be mean or hurt you, but we’ve tried to help you kindly and compassionately and still you choose to see nothing but negative.

    Yes it IS exhausting, you are absolutely right! And not just for you either, but for everyone in your life, those who choose to stick around, that is.

    Again, it's your choice. Live it, own it, however you deem fit.

    And if you choose misery over happiness, that's your choice too, and if that's the case, if that's your truth, then own it and accept it.

    But if you choose happiness, then for the love of *, stop whining about it and take steps to achieve it!
    I'm actually really bubbly and happy in person. No one can even imagine me being upset and they all tell me this. That's what most people and guys like about me, But I cannot stop being unhappy about this situation. I even had to see him today and I could barely smile around him. I tried to but I can't even pretend. I really want things to be ok between us but what I really think I need is an apology or something from him which I don't think I'll get when I can barely look at him. I'm not angry at him but I am so unhappy with the situation

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  6. #95
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    Originally Posted by Cope
    Pink, you've gotten great advice! Our stories are so similar,I'm even benefiting from the advice you got!

    I agree with Katrina and bluecastle. Acceptance is the key. Accept all your feelings, negative and positive. Feel them and sit with them, don't think, just feel, if that makes sense. I believe you, you will probably always love him, just try not to act on it because, by the facts you have now, he doesn't want to be with you and that itself, makes a relationship not possible by definition.

    If you think you can handle contacting him now without getting drawn back in and ending up obsessing more over him, then do it. I'm also thinking about contacting my ex, because I lived through all of the emotions and anger has subsided. I'm not sure I can handle it yet, so that's what's holding me back. As for hopes of reconciliation, let's assume that my ex realized he made a mistake, even though all evidence proves otherwise, I can't go back to a person who ditched me twice without even being able to communicate and give me a chance to work through our problems. That right there is a sign that our communication was off, and even if we do get back together right now, it'll still probably be off.

    What helps me not indulge in thoughts and hopes of getting back together, is thinking that if it's gonna happen, it'll take years. This way my anxiety goes down,I stop wanting him NOW, and stop obsessing about him, and also I'm true to my feelings, which are still there, even if they're not as strong as when we were together. If it's meant to be, it will be. I know that by the time those years pass, my feelings will most likely have passed too.

    Another thing that helps me, and this is proven, every next guy is a bit better than the last, so if I met and fell for this ex, I can't imagine how amazing the next one will be.

    Until then, I'm working on myself for myself. Relationships are bonuses in life, that's how I see them. I need to solve my insecurities first, make a lovely life for me and then find someone to share it with. At the same time I'm working on me regarding my issues on how I act in relationships and why I keep getting attached to unavailable men. Therapy is helping me so much on this.

    I get why some people are against therapy, but if you've only tried it once, with one therapist, I strongly recommend you try it again, but try several therapists before you decide which one suits you. I was also kinda against therapy as I had already been to two therapists and saw no progress. Found huge success in the third. It's CBT therapy, if that helps. It's not only about the method they use though, it's also about the chemistry with the therapist themselves.

    Anyway, I can so much relate to what you're going through, it's uncanny. All of us here indeed have good intentions, and indeed, we don't know your whole story, in the end, it's your call. Trust your instincts.
    Yeah what we're going through sounds similar I do agree with what you said about. I agree that it would be hard for us to get back together and like you said about your situation. Here too communication was bad before both breakups. I do not understand what happened either time.
    I think it will take years to make things right with him or for me to even meet another guy if I somehow decide to date again. This guy has raised my standards so high.
    I have been sitting with my feelings for months though and with more time that passes, I just feel like things are getting worse. I feel like the only way to make it better is by talking to him. Especially because we run into each other all the time. But I don't want to have a conversation and just hear stuff like "you'll find someone else... blahblahblah" because those are not the things I want to hear and hearing them will not make things better for me. If I wanted someone else, I would have broken up with him. I still feel bad about some things that were said during the break up on both of our sides and I feel guilty and mad about them. I have never reacted so badly, it really isn't in my character. I almost never get mad

  7. #96
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'm not sure what you've been through, but rejection, disappointment, and hard times do not have to lead to a fear-based mode of processing things. Much of life, at least from what I've gathered in 39 years, is rejection, disappointment, and hard times.

    Lord knows I've got some good stories—and wounds—from stuff like that. Name an arrow that can cut into the heart, and odds are its found me. But I'm not scared of more, because I just don't want to be guided by fear. I think that's a choice we make far more than it's the result of trauma. Indeed, it's a choice some of us make to cope with trauma, but it has its limitations.

    I think when you see people on here suggesting therapy what they're seeing is that maybe your coping mechanisms aren't really helping you cope. This happens, from time to time, and we need to reset the scales. Maybe it's not therapy for you, but it might be worth questioning if you'd like to find an approach to hardship that is not fear-based.
    Up until the second break up I was living positively and believed my hardships made me into the better person I am today. I still live positively in every aspect now except relationships. Now I think my hardships messed me up. If I never had my hardships then maybe things would have worked with this guy because then I would have had nothing to worry about.

  8. #97
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Thread has run its course.

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