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Thread: Fiancée sleeps all day. Not interested

  1. #1

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    Fiancée sleeps all day. Not interested

    This, for me and our 10 year old daughter is tough.

    Met my fiancée 12 years ago. She had a cast on her leg and sticks. I assumed it’s a broken bone, back to normal soon.
    Fast forward to today. Fiancée hasn’t left our house for 8 weeks. Not once.
    In 11 years she has never left the house by herself. She’s 37.
    She takes alott of medication for a nerve disorder / rsd/ fibro.
    Tramadol morphine diazepam codeine + more (can’t remember names).

    She has no interests. No hobbies. She’s totally reliant on me. She says she can’t cook or clean. Too much pain.
    Our daughter is sad. She sees all the other mums / families when we’re out. Her mums not with us. Her first teacher actually thought her mum was dead. “Mummy sleeps all the time”.

    I work myself half to death trying to compensate. I’m mum and dad. And I’m massively depressed by the whole situation. I love my fiancée but hate what she does. If that makes sense.
    I’ve spoken to her doctor. Tried to get help. There isn’t any.

    Today I went with daughter to church. First time in 4 years. It was nice. I felt good. Last night fiancée sent me a text “wake me up when you get back”. So we do, and it’s like dealing with a very rude teenager.
    It’s now 5:30pm and she’s still asleep in bed.

    I’m so depressed. We all are. I’m guessing she’s addicted to the opiates. What to do?
    It’s not fair on our 10 year old.
    I used to go out with friends once a month. She’d constantly call me. I haven’t seen any of them for 8 years.

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by Qqqqqqq
    I’ve spoken to her doctor. Tried to get help. There isn’t any.
    What does this mean, exactly? What sort of help were you seeking, and what did they say is not available to you?

    Perhaps she is addicted, but it sounds like underlying problems with depression as well. She is one several heavy drugs, so I am curious if she is receiving any emotional therapy at all?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    She needs to see her doctor and asap. There's a big problem here that needs to be sorted out.

  4. #4

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    I said to her doctor that she sleeps all day. Longest was 3 days and nights in bed. I went to the doctor distraught. Said we needed help. All the doctor did was quarter her prescriptions, which meant she was constantly running out of drugs. They have no budget for mental health / therapy.
    The only emotional therapy she gets is from Facebook fibromyalgia groups, where they say things like “it’s ok if you did nothing today” etc.
    Several years ago she promised things would change. She went to one group therapy session, hated it and refused to go back. Now the adult mental health department doesn’t exist (budget cut).

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    Get a referral on a mental health specialist. Doctors SHOULD be providing her with one. I would switch doctors with he/she refuses to give you one.

    Budget cut my ass. The State will help with funding upon request.

    *hugs*

  7. #6
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Go see a different doctor...there are some doctors just fill out the prescription pad, and do little else.

  8. #7
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    It sounds like she may need to go to a drug rehab facility.

    I agree that you need to see a new doctor. Are you thinking that she's just milking the situation and is capable of leading a normal life, or do you believe that she's really in pain?

    Has she been your 'fiance' for 11 years? When is the wedding planned?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    How did you just "fast forward" from what you assumed was a temporary injury, to a chronic, debilitating condition 12 years later?

    You got engaged to her and fathered a child despite having seen her condition isn't temporary, and now you complain of an ill person doing nothing all day and how it's affecting you. What exactly did you think? That she would "snap out of it"? That she would "drop" her illness seeing how hard her partner works and how her child needs her? That she would see the light of how terrible it is for her to just "will" herself into such a useless state? Really, I don't understand what you expected, I can only assume when someone is gravely ill you take it as overreacting or choosing victimhood.

    Her other conditions aside, fibro alone is what it is, many patients can't have it well managed. I shudder to think of the nerve disorder. Perhaps the doctors aren't so much useless as they are running out of ways to tell you that this is life for a very ill person, and with a very ill person. If a pain clinic would revise her regime to help with her potential opiate abuse problem that would be one of your logical next steps. I bet she could use psychological support from a professional. Other than that, I think you'd all benefit more if you started looking into outside help instead of expecting her to pick up the slack, as you make it sound. Building toxicity and resentment for a person who can't function like a healthy individual isn't bettering the situation at all by the sounds of it.

  10. #9
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    I’m sure people will jump all over me for saying this - but that’s fine. I’ll be the monster. I think you should leave her.

    Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they will get help. It sounds like this is what she needs.

    If she can’t get out of bed, and she has no job, no interests, no hobbies and she is no longer participating in life, she basically IS dead, IMO. This is not acceptable. If she needs to make herself a sandwich and camp out in her doctor’s office waiting room every day until someone helps her - this is what she needs to do. Believe me - if she does this, they will find a way to get her help for her mental health.

    I’m not saying it’s her fault in any way - I’m sure she has a number of medical conditions that make life next to impossible - but drastic times call for drastic measures. IMO, you are enabling her by allowing it to continue. She has already stopped living her life for a decade. This will continue on it’s current trajectory.

    I don’t think it’s wrong of you to want to live your life. I think it’s reasonable to want a partner who can live it with you. You are still young. You can still take that path.

    Anyways - callous or not - that is what I would do. You can still be a support for her. As a friend. As the mother of your child. As someone who cares. But I don’t think you need to be a martyr and give up your life for her. You only get one life. You need to live it, IMO. Until she gets herself in a place where she is able to perform normal daily functions, she is not in a position to be anyone’s partner, IMO.

  11. #10
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Since she's your fiancee, why don't you cancel your plans to marry her? You can still be an involved father. Since your fiancee sleeps all day, she needs to take care of herself and seek professional help for her addiction. She also needs to see a psychologist and go to physical therapy (PT) for her leg.

    Take action in order to make changes for all three of you.

    Don't marry or you'll really be hosed - legally.

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