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Thread: Dressing up for validation

  1. #1
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    Dressing up for validation

    I get a lot of pleasure from looking nice for my partner. Im pretty modest in what I wear from day to day, but it makes me feel good to like what I see and I love it when he does too. Im starting to wonder if this is healthy. Here's why.

    Occasionally, I go all out. This would be me wearing something different, putting on more make-up than usual(which is not much by most peoples standards), and doing my hair. As I do this, Im having fun and I start to feel really sexy. I anticipate seeing him. The problem is this expectation that he will respond. He often does not, unless I am wearing next to nothing. I honestly think he is just being completely obtuse in these moments and I think the real issue is that I feel so crushed when he doesn't take notice.

    So Im wondering if I am possibly putting too much importance in to how I look. I should not need this validation that I am beautiful. Why is it that I crave this kind of attention? It can't be healthy.

    I have been feeling insecure with other women in his life. So maybe this is a response to that. If I truly valued myself, maybe I wouldn't feel so threatened. And then maybe I wouldn't give a s**t whether or not I thought he found me to be the most attractive woman in the room.

    All this being said, I don't want to stop having fun with dress up. The hard part is going to be being able to accept that he might not notice and let it go.

  2. #2
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    What other women are in his life . What sounds weird .

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Dress for yourself, not to be validated or compete or impress. Some guys are dense when it comes to flattery.
    Originally Posted by intrinsic76
    I am a mom and outside of work, I am primarily at home with my kids. I also found that two months after we decided we were exclusive, he was still having her over to his house. I think he is just is having a hard time letting her go. She did him wrong in the end.

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    What do you mean by "other women in his life"?

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    Originally Posted by intrinsic76
    I have been feeling insecure with other women in his life. So maybe this is a response to that. If I truly valued myself, maybe I wouldn't feel so threatened. And then maybe I wouldn't give a s**t whether or not I thought he found me to be the most attractive woman in the room.
    What other women?

    That's the underlying issue. Dressing up for a partner can be a fun way to flirt and generate a little heat, but when you're doing it primarily to soothe insecurity related to other women - something is wrong. Something that getting dolled up isn't going to address.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I think it's perfectly normal how you're feeling. Every woman wants to feel pretty, especially if she goes to the effort to put on make up and do her hair, etc.

    It is a real disappointment when her man doesn't take notice or doesn't say much.

    But what can you do about it? Unfortunately, not much. He either isn't the expressive type or worst case scenario, he's not impressed.

    Which one is your man? Who knows and if you ask, I'm not sure he will give you a straight answer.

    But I feel that it's normal to feel how you're feeling. I think any woman would, at least to some degree.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You have to realize that some people are big complimenters and some are not. I'm the type that is not. I might have a momentary thought of how I like a person's shirt or how particularly nice they look that day, but sometimes don't think to say anything. Sometimes it dawns on me: Oh, yeah. This particular friend always compliments me and therefore that's important to her, so I need to make sure I say something about her new haircut.

    It could be that he's so used to seeing how stunning you are and so that it becomes ridiculously redundant to keep mentioning it, or it could be he's like me.

    Like the other posters, I'd like to know what other women he interacts with, and whether it's appropriate or not according to your relationship boundaries. Or are you not honoring your own needs in a relationship because subconsciously you don't think you're worthy of anyone decent?

  9. #8
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    Your other post, just a month ago, speaks volumes on this issue:

    [Register to see the link]

    You discovered that he's been reaching out to, and seeing, his ex-girlfriend, all while hiding it from you. When you asked if the 3 of you could get together, he hemmed & hawed, said he would, but sounds like he never did.

    No wonder you feel insecure.

    He's been lying to you this whole time, a year & a half, correct?

    So you're dressing sexy, to try to keep his mind off of her. You say she "broke his heart", so you're worried that he's not over her.

    Know what I think? I think he's playing you both.

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    Agree with what others said about your bf but to answer your original post, while we all or most of us seek validation on some level, doing something like dressing up or wanting to look perfect in order to obtain that validation is playing w fire and imo not healthy.

    What would be healthier and again j mo is dressing up, looking nice for you, because it makes you feel sexy and desirable and that good feeling you have about yourself will translate to positive energy and it's that positive energy that will attract your partner.

    I'm projecting when I say this but when I spend time looking nice before I see my bf, I don't expect him to notice my looks, sometimes he will, sometimes he won't.

    But what he does always notice is my mood, my energy, and again when I feel I look pretty or even hot, he can sense that good energy and that is what he responds to and even comments on.

    NOT how "hot" he thinks I look.

    In short, nothing wrong with wanting to look beautiful, but do it for you. Because it makes you feel good. Sexy, desirable.

    Trust me, he will definetly notice that and if he does not, then well, you might consider rethinking the relationship. I would.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-30-2019 at 10:57 AM.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Agree with what others said about your bf but to answer your original post, while we all or most of us seek validation on some level, doing something like dressing up or wanting to look perfect in order to obtain that validation is playing w fire and imo not healthy.

    What would be healthier and again j mo is dressing up, looking nice for you, because it makes you feel sexy and desirable and that good feeling you have about yourself will translate to positive energy and it's that positive energy that will attract your partner.

    I'm projecting when I say this but when I spend time looking nice before I see my bf, I don't expect him to notice my looks, sometimes he will, sometimes he won't.

    But what he does always notice is my mood, my energy, and again when I feel I look pretty or even hot, he can sense that good energy and that is what he responds to and even comments on.

    NOT how "hot" he thinks I look.

    In short, nothing wrong with wanting to look besutiful, but do it for you. Because it makes you feel good. Sexy, desirable.

    Trust me, he will definetly notice that and if he does not, then well, you might consider rethinking the relationship.
    Katrina, would your answer be different if you discovered your BF was still seeing his ex-GF, who he had told you "broke his heart"?

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