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Dressing up for validation


intrinsic76

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I get a lot of pleasure from looking nice for my partner. Im pretty modest in what I wear from day to day, but it makes me feel good to like what I see and I love it when he does too. Im starting to wonder if this is healthy. Here's why.

 

Occasionally, I go all out. This would be me wearing something different, putting on more make-up than usual(which is not much by most peoples standards), and doing my hair. As I do this, Im having fun and I start to feel really sexy. I anticipate seeing him. The problem is this expectation that he will respond. He often does not, unless I am wearing next to nothing. I honestly think he is just being completely obtuse in these moments and I think the real issue is that I feel so crushed when he doesn't take notice.

 

So Im wondering if I am possibly putting too much importance in to how I look. I should not need this validation that I am beautiful. Why is it that I crave this kind of attention? It can't be healthy.

 

I have been feeling insecure with other women in his life. So maybe this is a response to that. If I truly valued myself, maybe I wouldn't feel so threatened. And then maybe I wouldn't give a s**t whether or not I thought he found me to be the most attractive woman in the room.

 

All this being said, I don't want to stop having fun with dress up. The hard part is going to be being able to accept that he might not notice and let it go.

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Dress for yourself, not to be validated or compete or impress. Some guys are dense when it comes to flattery.

I am a mom and outside of work, I am primarily at home with my kids. I also found that two months after we decided we were exclusive, he was still having her over to his house. I think he is just is having a hard time letting her go. She did him wrong in the end.

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I have been feeling insecure with other women in his life. So maybe this is a response to that. If I truly valued myself, maybe I wouldn't feel so threatened. And then maybe I wouldn't give a s**t whether or not I thought he found me to be the most attractive woman in the room.

 

What other women?

 

That's the underlying issue. Dressing up for a partner can be a fun way to flirt and generate a little heat, but when you're doing it primarily to soothe insecurity related to other women - something is wrong. Something that getting dolled up isn't going to address.

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I think it's perfectly normal how you're feeling. Every woman wants to feel pretty, especially if she goes to the effort to put on make up and do her hair, etc.

 

It is a real disappointment when her man doesn't take notice or doesn't say much.

 

But what can you do about it? Unfortunately, not much. He either isn't the expressive type or worst case scenario, he's not impressed.

 

Which one is your man? Who knows and if you ask, I'm not sure he will give you a straight answer.

 

But I feel that it's normal to feel how you're feeling. I think any woman would, at least to some degree.

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You have to realize that some people are big complimenters and some are not. I'm the type that is not. I might have a momentary thought of how I like a person's shirt or how particularly nice they look that day, but sometimes don't think to say anything. Sometimes it dawns on me: Oh, yeah. This particular friend always compliments me and therefore that's important to her, so I need to make sure I say something about her new haircut.

 

It could be that he's so used to seeing how stunning you are and so that it becomes ridiculously redundant to keep mentioning it, or it could be he's like me.

 

Like the other posters, I'd like to know what other women he interacts with, and whether it's appropriate or not according to your relationship boundaries. Or are you not honoring your own needs in a relationship because subconsciously you don't think you're worthy of anyone decent?

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Your other post, just a month ago, speaks volumes on this issue:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=559591&page=2

 

You discovered that he's been reaching out to, and seeing, his ex-girlfriend, all while hiding it from you. When you asked if the 3 of you could get together, he hemmed & hawed, said he would, but sounds like he never did.

 

No wonder you feel insecure.

 

He's been lying to you this whole time, a year & a half, correct?

 

So you're dressing sexy, to try to keep his mind off of her. You say she "broke his heart", so you're worried that he's not over her.

 

Know what I think? I think he's playing you both.

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Agree with what others said about your bf but to answer your original post, while we all or most of us seek validation on some level, doing something like dressing up or wanting to look perfect in order to obtain that validation is playing w fire and imo not healthy.

 

What would be healthier and again j mo is dressing up, looking nice for you, because it makes you feel sexy and desirable and that good feeling you have about yourself will translate to positive energy and it's that positive energy that will attract your partner.

 

I'm projecting when I say this but when I spend time looking nice before I see my bf, I don't expect him to notice my looks, sometimes he will, sometimes he won't.

 

But what he does always notice is my mood, my energy, and again when I feel I look pretty or even hot, he can sense that good energy and that is what he responds to and even comments on.

 

NOT how "hot" he thinks I look.

 

In short, nothing wrong with wanting to look beautiful, but do it for you. Because it makes you feel good. Sexy, desirable.

 

Trust me, he will definetly notice that and if he does not, then well, you might consider rethinking the relationship. I would.

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Agree with what others said about your bf but to answer your original post, while we all or most of us seek validation on some level, doing something like dressing up or wanting to look perfect in order to obtain that validation is playing w fire and imo not healthy.

 

What would be healthier and again j mo is dressing up, looking nice for you, because it makes you feel sexy and desirable and that good feeling you have about yourself will translate to positive energy and it's that positive energy that will attract your partner.

 

I'm projecting when I say this but when I spend time looking nice before I see my bf, I don't expect him to notice my looks, sometimes he will, sometimes he won't.

 

But what he does always notice is my mood, my energy, and again when I feel I look pretty or even hot, he can sense that good energy and that is what he responds to and even comments on.

 

NOT how "hot" he thinks I look.

 

In short, nothing wrong with wanting to look besutiful, but do it for you. Because it makes you feel good. Sexy, desirable.

 

Trust me, he will definetly notice that and if he does not, then well, you might consider rethinking the relationship.

 

Katrina, would your answer be different if you discovered your BF was still seeing his ex-GF, who he had told you "broke his heart"?

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Katrina, would your answer be different if you discovered your BF was still seeing his ex-GF, who he had told you "broke his heart"?

 

I would no longer choose to date my bf at all if he were still seeing his ex. I'd just end it. Period, end of.

 

I said I agree about the bf, I was simply responding to her original question re validation. :)

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I would no longer choose to date my bf at all if he were still seeing his ex. I'd just end it.

 

I said I agree about the bf, I was simply responding to her original question re validation. :)

 

Totally understand! I don't think she'd have this need to dress up and play sexy-sexy for him if she didn't have the surrounding insecurities re: his ex-GF.

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Totally understand! I don't think she'd have this need to dress up and play sexy-sexy for him if she didn't have the surrounding insecurities re: his ex-GF.

 

Agree!

 

But twisting herself into a pretzel, wanting to look beautiful or whatever else she's doing in an attempt to "lure" him away from ex is so unhealthy and sorry OP for saying this, makes you look rather silly, weak, needy and desperate for his attention.

 

Not too many men are drawn to those things; if you feel that insecure about him spending time with ex, or anything else, choose to walk away instead.

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I'm not sure about the other women comment either and combined with LH's observations about this ex-gf I'm not really convinced that this is a healthy situation overall.

 

I also had to think about what Wiseman wrote because I had a long term relationship with someone who must have complimented my dress or appearance once a year. I think it usually happened on one day. Chrismas Day. Looking back I'm sort of laughing to myself. I actually did remember wondering what he thought of me in general because he never really commented at all. When all's said and done and now that I've met my husband (Latino and vastly different from my ex), the two are like tennis balls and oranges. One's not even edible. Totally different.

 

When we make the effort to look presentable and smell nice and enjoy our each others' company any which way and appreciate one another we access a whole other level of love and bonding. I think the key word is 'appreciate' as in appreciating each other, valuing each other, recognizing efforts and expressing admiration for one another. I also tend to think it's one of the basic cornerstones of foreplay and foreplay, my dear, keeps a lot of things spicy and that appreciation alive.

 

Everyone is different. Some women like to access those points and be with loving and expressive partners similar to themselves. I admit I was not used to someone like my husband at the start but it's grown on me and it's allowed me to explore parts of myself and express myself in ways that feel good and make me feel loved.

 

You should feel appreciated either way. There shouldn't be any other women in his life except his mum perhaps or any kids if you have kids. Be honest with yourself about whether this relationship is fulfilling to you. Being demonstrative doesn't hurt either. This means telling him he looks good or smells nice and appreciating him. We shouldn't forget to tell our partners those things too.

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When we make the effort to look presentable and smell nice and enjoy our each others' company any which way and appreciate one another we access a whole other level of love and bonding. I think the key word is 'appreciate' as in appreciating each other, valuing each other, recognizing efforts and expressing admiration for one another. I also tend to think it's one of the basic cornerstones of foreplay and foreplay, my dear, keeps a lot of things spicy and that appreciation alive.

 

Yes! Spot on. Beautiful way of putting it. This is precisely why it's an important part of the relationship. Appreciation/bonding.

 

Flirting, feeling sexy/beautiful, knowing you and your partner find each other attractive and express it in different ways.

 

All vital to a good and happy relationship.

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Security and confidence comes from two places: some of it is intrinsic (within yourself) and some of it is environmental.

 

For the intrinsic stuff... may I ask... what else do you bring to the table besides looks? I am not as fortunate, I guess. I’m almost never the prettiest girl in the room 🤷♀️ Lol! But I don’t feel the need to be? I know I bring a lot to the table - I’m smart, fairly successful, fun to be around, generous, etc. and I connect with my partners on a deeper level - based on shared interests and hobbies and goals, etc. If I’m with someone it’s because we’re truly great friends on top of being lovers - so don’t feel the need to “compete”. I know I hold an important place in his life. Looks are just... looks. A pretty thing to look at.

 

It’s true that everyone wants to be noticed when you put great effort into looking good - and it’s natural to feel disappointed if he doesn’t notice... but if you are worried and you feel it’s important that he thinks you are the “prettiest girl in the room” then I wonder about your connection? That’s a pretty flimsy thing to hang your whole relationship on, IMO. What happens if Miss America walks in? Do you automatically lose your bf? I mean... of course you would walk around with anxiety all the time!! It’s an unrealistic goal. There will be times when someone else is prettier.

 

As far as the environmental stuff - listen - if this guy is hanging out with his ex, this is not you being insecure - this is him being shady. You feel like you aren’t on solid ground because - in fact - you AREN’T on solid ground.

 

Feeling insecure sometimes is natural. We all feel that way sometimes. But I think you need to figure out if the source of it is intrinsic (so you need to work on your own self-esteem because it will follow you from relationship to relationship) - or if it’s environmental.

 

You can’t fix any amount of his being shady by you being pretty. Pretty people get left and cheated on too. If he’s being shady - that’s about him - not about you being “not good enough”.

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Stop trying so hard and lower your expectations regarding responses from him.

 

I'm a girly girl, very feminine and enjoy getting all dolled up whenever I go out such as dining out or a night on the town with my husband. He doesn't gush over me either. I like getting my hair done, wear natural looking make up, well groomed, wear pretty clothes, wear a little perfume and enjoy looking like a lady. I love my handbags, too! I do it for me though. I don't do it for him. Try changing the way you think.

 

Don't try to impress others. Do what I do. I exercise diligently, eat smart, keep my weight down and look nice because my self esteem and confidence are high. Also, focus on your health first because whatever you wear is only icing on the cake. Glowing health is the best and first. Nice make up and pretty clothes will always look awful if you're not internally and physically healthy first and foremost.

 

Many men don't pay particular mind to when you look good. However when you look awful such as being very overweight, careless about your good health & regimen, slovenly in appearance, disheveled, wear rags, don't care about looking feminine and pretty, that's when some men find a woman's appearance rather repulsive. Many women don't like men who are sloppy and careless either.

 

Stop with the insecurity. Be confident within your own skin. Continue to dress up, take good care of yourself and don't care about compliments. Silence is the sincerest form of flattery. Yes, let it go.

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