My Ex Bf said he lost feelings for him - is there any chance of him coming back?

Hey guys so basically my ex bf broke up with me about a month ago. He said that he wasn’t feeling it anymore which in other words means that he lost feelings for me.

We only dated for 4 months but it was intense . I met his whole family and even his mum said he really liked me but doesn’t know what he is doing. I was his first relationship and he was my first relationship.

He broke up with me during exams and we were both really stressed since we both study engineering and had so many deadlines that month.

I definitely did a few things wrong as I talked about him too much to a lot of people and was overthinking everything and I know that he could sense that so in a way I kind of self sabotaged the relationship. It was my first one and I didn’t know what I was doing and I’m generally an anxious person but I understand now I should have been more relaxed.

I know that I should be moving on and I’m trying my best to and I have been in no contact for about a month but I just want to know if there is any chance that he might come back and realize that he does truly like me? This breakup has made me realize my feelings for him even though I had doubts before.

I’m just worried because we were only together for a few months but he said he already lost feelings so I don’t know how bad that is. I know breakups usually arise from a loss of attraction though.

I’m giving him space and I don’t plan on contacting him unless he contacts me. It would be easier to move if this didn’t happen during such a stressful time.

He did say to my friend that he was feeling depressed at times and would only leave him room to go to work during this month. I also know that he is listening to sad songs about breakups and he never listens to music like that.

I know I should just move on but do you think there is any hope?

I have never been through a breakup up before and I just don’t know what to think.

Nobody can answer your question for you, it's impossible. I gather you are quite young, so you have to learn that these things happen and it's all part of growing and maturing. It's not fun nor pleasant but it's life. Take what you've learned from this and you'll hopefully be less anxious in your next relationship.

Can you pinpoint what made you anxious in the relationship? It's important you go through that and think back on what triggered those anxious moments even if it makes you very uncomfortable. Go back and think back on them. You cannot move forward with him or any person without first understanding what triggered the anxious thoughts. The plus side is that you do have a support network of friends and family. This is more than a lot of people have! Be thankful for that. If you're finding it especially difficult being discreet and you feel your chest gets tight and you panic, you can keep a journal or practice techniques to help you get through the first 24 hours (of that anxiety). Do some reading on it and don't be afraid to learn more about yourself.

You should also keep in mind that there are people who are good people but these people are still not good for us. It's called being incompatible and neither person is to blame. If you were incompatible with this person, it's better to accept it and learn from it. Our rational mind may tell us that this person is a good choice but if you haven't learned enough about yourself or what you need in a relationship, you aren't going to know who's compatible with you. Try and spend more time uncovering what matters to you in relationships and get to know yourself more. Read more on anxious thoughts and how to understand them and avoid cycles of anxious thoughts. Try to put things in perspective and don't be afraid to tell yourself that it's ok to come back to a situation or a topic at a later time when you're feeling better.

It's unlikely to come back together if he's already lost feelings after 4 months.

There just isn't a solid enough foundation to fall back on when things get bumpy; relationships that end in the so-called honeymoon phase are usually not destined to find their footing again, in my experience.

I am curious what you were saying about him to other people, though. Can you elaborate more on this? "I definitely did a few things wrong as I talked about him too much to a lot of people and was overthinking everything"

Unfortunately, it sounds like he met someone else. He may come back for a fwb situation if whoever he met doesn't pan out.

The thing I know he didn’t leave me for someone else. I know that happens a lot but I’m literally 99.9% sure that’s not what happened.

The thing I know he didn’t leave me for someone else. I know that happens a lot but I’m literally 99.9% sure that’s not what happened.

Everyone says that until they see the pics on social media.

It's a lesson learned. Keep your private relationship business private unless you are being abused and need help getting out.

Basically I made the mistake of literally asking everyone for advice and telling lot’s of people the details of our relationship when instead I should have be communicating to him about any concerns I had. When he found that out he got really upset and even cried and that’s when everything went downhill and he started to pull away more. He even said to me that’s when he started to have doubts.

I know he said isn’t feeling it anymore but to be honest I understand why he would be feeling like that becuase of the mistakes I made. I know that his feelings for me were real and strong and I’m just hoping that by giving him the necessary space he might realize that one day he does want to be with me.

Thank you for this advice, it means a lot. I never thought that compatibility was an issue becuase we both have similar goals and we are both outgoing and hardworking. I always enjoyed spending my time with him and it just felt right to be there with him and he also said that it felt right to be with me.

I think I started to get anxious after he asked me to be his girlfriend. I felt a lot of pressure as I have never been in a relationship before and I was constantly scared of making mistakes that would ultimately make him leave me. Ironically becuase of how anxious I was I think that’s what ultimately made him leave me. I know for next time that I need to relax a lot more and not overthink things.

The problem is that you created a negative impression of yourself by airing your relationship's dirty laundry, and because it was happening so early, that's inevitably going to be built into his overall frame of reference about you. If you two had been together for a while, and then this issue of over-sharing came up, he might at least be able to look back on less troubled times and feel more assured that things could return to a healthy place.

You will now know for next time not to be so indiscreet with a relationship and to respect your partner's privacy more.

But I do wonder - what sort of things were you concerned about while you were dating him? Who were you talking to about it?

I was just concerned that I wouldn’t be a good enough gf and he would leave me so I would always talk to my friends asking for advice and I only realize now how much I talked about him. I would mostly talk about things with my friends and also his best friend which was a mistake becuase he was probably relaying things I said to my ex.

I definitely think you are right about how he wouldn’t want to go back with me because of this but I only started to do this a lot more towards the end when I got really stressed and I only did it because I cared about him and wanted things to work. I just wonder if I give him the space he will start to forget the bad things because we had so many good times together and we never fought or anything.

I mean I was pretty nice gf and I definitely treated him right so I’m just hoping he will realize that one day.

Now that you've shared a lot more, I think he acted a bit harshly, to be very honest with you. Relationships are also about room for forgiving and learning. Breaking up with someone because of a temporary lapse in judgment regarding communication alone seems ironic because if he's such a good communicator, he'd simply communicate the hurt and disappointment and leave room for change. At the heart of it, I think you should be thankful if someone lets you go like this. It means that you are now free to find someone who is more able to forgive and grow with you.

I see it as a plus both ways: if he learns to forgive and grow with you, it's a plus; if he doesn't, it's another plus for you because you get to now find someone new and grow with someone who may be a lot more forgiving and understanding.

It always takes two to tango. In the big scheme of things, this issue you had is not that big. Sorry. There are bigger problems out there and this doesn't even hold a candle to it. Long term commitment takes a lot of love and a lot of flexibility and a lot of forgiveness for the small nitty gritty things. You learned your lesson now but don't allow someone to abuse you or make you feel guilty for long. Learn from it, toss that chip aside and grow forwards.

OP, you also have to remember that him breaking up with you is probably not all down to this issue of you over-sharing. It is likely a combination of factors and him being honest that he just doesn't have those strong feelings for you.

Yeah I guess I was just a bit surprised becuase I was always concerned that he liked me more than I liked him and then all of a sudden he said he is not feeling it anymore. I don’t know, I feel like because this is his first relationship and he went to an all boys school that he just doesn’t know what he is doing. It doesn’t matter at the end of anyway because if he realizes he made a mistake he would contact me anyway.

How old are you both?

We are both 19.

Ok, take some time off to learn effective communication skills. Gossip, end runs and asking everybody else under the sun to call the shots would be a deal breaker for most anybody. It's very controlling and shows a lack of boundaries and lack of respect for someone. You need to deal with someone one-on-one. Not a judge and jury of your friends and worse, gossiping to His people about him/your relationship.

Your friends aren't dating him. His friends aren't dating you. Some sort term therapy may help you with insecurity and communication skills. You should be talking with the person you're dating, not exclude him from the conversation and talk to everyone else about him.

I would always talk to my friends asking for advice and I only realize now how much I talked about him. I would mostly talk about things with my friends and also his best friend which was a mistake becuase he was probably relaying things I said to my ex.

No. It really sounds like there is no hope for reconciliation. If this is your first relationship, you will learn that sometimes people legitimately just lose interest. And that is OK! That is why people date before they totally commit!

Cross him off of your list. Be kind if you see him, but move on. Don't worry about the music he listens to or if he is leaving his room. Worry about yourself.

Yeah I guess I was just a bit surprised becuase I was always concerned that he liked me more than I liked him and then all of a sudden he said he is not feeling it anymore. I don’t know, I feel like because this is his first relationship and he went to an all boys school that he just doesn’t know what he is doing. It doesn’t matter at the end of anyway because if he realizes he made a mistake he would contact me anyway.

This sounds pretty normal for a first time relationship at 19. I had a very similar experience when I dated a 19 year old (no matter that I was 27 lol). Very intense, very brief, fears that she liked me more than I liked her, then she has the gall to dump me!

Right now you are scrambling to figure out what went wrong (and specifically, what YOU did wrong to mess things up). You can't avoid that kind of thinking altogether, but try not to go there. This is what happens to your brain when love is lost. There are probably hundreds of reasons things didn't work out. Most likely, the two of you simply weren't compatible for the long term, but being the first relationship you both had, you magnified every aspect that was positive about the two of you, and minimized after aspect that wasn't working. Having similar goals is important, but it's not the most important thing. If you were consistently going to your friends, yeah, you probably had some first relationship jitters. At the same time, maybe you and your ex were never quite at the same level of feeling, always adjusting rather than settling on something natural.

Beating yourself up about your mistakes isn't going to bring him back. And even more than that: getting to the bottom of everything and figuring out why things ended isn't going to bring him back or make you feel better. The best path forward is to learn to accept the loss and move on with your life. Apply lessons you learned to your next relationship some day, find other things in your life that bring you joy, and don't wait around for him to change his mind and come back. You're worthy of love and if he isn't the one who can be that for you don't waste any more time on him than you have to!