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Thread: How to Handle Needy Ex-Boyfriend

  1. #11
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    Boltnrun...


    I get that, you're right. I feel like he has some idea, we're nowhere near as close as we once was. I guess my main question is... How do I word this? How can I let him know that I do care about him but he needs to back off? Should I meet him in person, or should I text this?

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    Boltnrun...


    I get that, you're right. I feel like he has some idea, we're nowhere near as close as we once was. I guess my main question is... How do I word this? How can I let him know that I do care about him but he needs to back off? Should I meet him in person, or should I text this?
    No text. Call him, let him know that you consider him a friend but you are not able to be constantly available to him. If you don't want to cut him off completely tell him YOU will contact HIM to meet for coffee every so often. But you can't continue the daily contact.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Hanging out with him and him dumping on you is toxic. He needs a therapist and you need to delete and block him and move forward.
    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    The other day, my ex started freaking out about his health. His friend recently died from illness, his other friend also got diagnosed with cancer and his mom had to go to the hospital.He made it extremely uncomfortable by squeezing my leg on occasion.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You really do need to set boundaries here. Right now, he is confused and isn't realizing how things are or what is what.

    That in part is your fault as you are being too nice and making him think you like him or that there is potential to get back together.

    Unfortunately, you're doing more harm than good. You can't have it both ways. You need to tell him that you are definitely over as a couple and you don't wish him bad. Also let him know too that you can't be a constant support to him as he is wanting or hoping for you to be as you don't want to confuse him.

    You can even further explain that you find him a really nice guy but that you don't want to give him the wrong idea being as he's an ex and don't want to give him false hope and you'd feel bad if you did that to him.

    Either way, you need to be straight with him. You can't keep stringing him along. And although you might not be meaning to, that's exactly what you're doing.

    He's either a boyfriend or good friend and is close to you or someone you used to know and a distant acquaintance.

    But it can't be both or a mixture of confusion anymore like this.

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  6. #15
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    You need to be forthright on where the lines are. Don't "hint" that his advances are unwelcome. Tell him straight up, you are just friends, and he can't be squeezing your thigh or getting touchy-feely with you. This will hurt. You won't like saying it, and he won't like hearing it. He is potentially latching on to you in a romantic way because everything else in his mind and life is so unstable, and you are familiar and comforting. I think all of us can claim guilty of getting wrapped up in a wrong relationship because it just felt really good at the time...think of the rebound relationships, so allow a little compassion here, but hold your ground. YOU need to be clear, here, because he's really not thinking straight, and the reality is, when you reject him in this fashion, he may naturally back off because he realizes this path is a dead end, or he's embarrassed.

    If you don't really enjoy his company that much, you really shouldn't be encouraging a relationship at all. Let him fade out. If you can be a friend and enjoy his company, great, but you're doing both of you a disservice by maintaining this friendship if he is chasing a dangling carrot and orbiting you because he is "secretly" still in love with you or crushing on you, hoping for more, but he has been friendzoned. End this friendship on the basis that it can never be more, and a full split is required if he is to move on. I think you need to tell him that he should probably see a therapist. His issues have reached a point that he could probably use a professional to help him get over this hump, possibly including pharmaceuticals. He needs more than you or anyone can really offer, and frankly, you're tired of hanging out with someone who complains, constantly. Absolutely nothing here is going to be pleasant, but you can't have him anchoring himself to you and pulling you down. It's really great if you can be his rock in a time of need, but he really needs to proactively work on his issues, and you can't be his sounding board 100% of the time. You as a friend should also be his reprieve from reality and time to just "hang" and leave life behind for an hour or two...a balance. Work that balance or fade him out, or officially end this relationship.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    From your previous posts, I can't help but wonder why you're attracted to inappropriate situations. I mean this in the kindest way. The other fellow you were speaking with was under some fairly inappropriate terms (you had romantic feelings for someone you admired in your professional industry but many warned you that the magnitude of your feelings and his behaviour was inappropriate). Now it's making yourself available to a wounded ex who is touching you inappropriately.

    I think it might help to go back and uncover why you keep putting yourself in these positions. It may have something to do with seeking validation for yourself and needing the ego boost.

    Ego has a lot of negative connotations especially in layperson terms and that's not what I mean. I am meaning it in the psychological sense. You have low self-esteem and are using individuals to fill a void inappropriately. I don't think this is about boundaries or as simple as boundaries. I feel like you're so lonely and your self-confidence is very low. Most people wouldn't feel sorry for an ex that touches them inappropriately but you do.

    I think you're drawn to feeling sorry for yourself and drawn to confusion and difficult situations that make you feel uncomfortable but really amount to nothing. The fellow in your previous situation really meant nothing to you in the bigger picture (he was just a mentor offering a few tips) and this ex also means nothing to you (he's not even attractive or appealing in the romantic sense).

    Try working on positive thoughts and acknowledging yourself positively. Your whole being and recognizing your path, what you're about, your goals and appreciating all your feelings. I understand you feel the need to help but it doesn't always mean a knee jerk reaction. Think about things carefully and go about things a bit more slowly in future. You don't always have to respond to your feelings or impulses. Feelings and impulses should be weighed or measured against long term thoughts about whether such actions help anyone at all and most of all you. I think you're, at heart, a pure hearted and kind person but you're also sorely lacking in self-esteem. Keep learning about yourself and love yourself too, enough not to put yourself in these situations.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    From your previous posts, I can't help but wonder why you're attracted to inappropriate situations. I mean this in the kindest way. The other fellow you were speaking with was under some fairly inappropriate terms (you had romantic feelings for someone you admired in your professional industry but many warned you that the magnitude of your feelings and his behaviour was inappropriate). Now it's making yourself available to a wounded ex who is touching you inappropriately.

    I think it might help to go back and uncover why you keep putting yourself in these positions. It may have something to do with seeking validation for yourself and needing the ego boost.

    Ego has a lot of negative connotations especially in layperson terms and that's not what I mean. I am meaning it in the psychological sense. You have low self-esteem and are using individuals to fill a void inappropriately. I don't think this is about boundaries or as simple as boundaries. I feel like you're so lonely and your self-confidence is very low. Most people wouldn't feel sorry for an ex that touches them inappropriately but you do.

    I think you're drawn to feeling sorry for yourself and drawn to confusion and difficult situations that make you feel uncomfortable but really amount to nothing. The fellow in your previous situation really meant nothing to you in the bigger picture (he was just a mentor offering a few tips) and this ex also means nothing to you (he's not even attractive or appealing in the romantic sense).

    Try working on positive thoughts and acknowledging yourself positively. Your whole being and recognizing your path, what you're about, your goals and appreciating all your feelings. I understand you feel the need to help but it doesn't always mean a knee jerk reaction. Think about things carefully and go about things a bit more slowly in future. You don't always have to respond to your feelings or impulses. Feelings and impulses should be weighed or measured against long term thoughts about whether such actions help anyone at all and most of all you. I think you're, at heart, a pure hearted and kind person but you're also sorely lacking in self-esteem. Keep learning about yourself and love yourself too, enough not to put yourself in these situations.
    Spot on!!!

  9. #18
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    From your previous posts, I can't help but wonder why you're attracted to inappropriate situations. I mean this in the kindest way. The other fellow you were speaking with was under some fairly inappropriate terms (you had romantic feelings for someone you admired in your professional industry but many warned you that the magnitude of your feelings and his behaviour was inappropriate). Now it's making yourself available to a wounded ex who is touching you inappropriately.

    I think it might help to go back and uncover why you keep putting yourself in these positions. It may have something to do with seeking validation for yourself and needing the ego boost.

    Ego has a lot of negative connotations especially in layperson terms and that's not what I mean. I am meaning it in the psychological sense. You have low self-esteem and are using individuals to fill a void inappropriately. I don't think this is about boundaries or as simple as boundaries. I feel like you're so lonely and your self-confidence is very low. Most people wouldn't feel sorry for an ex that touches them inappropriately but you do.

    I think you're drawn to feeling sorry for yourself and drawn to confusion and difficult situations that make you feel uncomfortable but really amount to nothing. The fellow in your previous situation really meant nothing to you in the bigger picture (he was just a mentor offering a few tips) and this ex also means nothing to you (he's not even attractive or appealing in the romantic sense).

    Try working on positive thoughts and acknowledging yourself positively. Your whole being and recognizing your path, what you're about, your goals and appreciating all your feelings. I understand you feel the need to help but it doesn't always mean a knee jerk reaction. Think about things carefully and go about things a bit more slowly in future. You don't always have to respond to your feelings or impulses. Feelings and impulses should be weighed or measured against long term thoughts about whether such actions help anyone at all and most of all you. I think you're, at heart, a pure hearted and kind person but you're also sorely lacking in self-esteem. Keep learning about yourself and love yourself too, enough not to put yourself in these situations.
    No need for me to respond rose said it all...

    The saying is negative attention is still attention, imagine a child acting out and getting in trouble so they can get their parents attention, one would think why not just get positive attention, attention is attention, and the child must learn to differentiate the two, one who does not could potentially turn into an adult who draws in negative attention only to feel burdened by it, you know that meme where the guy is riding a bike and he puts a stick in it himself and then falls off. You are creating the issue you are complaining about. This is way more about you than him.

  10. #19
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    From your previous posts, I can't help but wonder why you're attracted to inappropriate situations. I mean this in the kindest way. The other fellow you were speaking with was under some fairly inappropriate terms (you had romantic feelings for someone you admired in your professional industry but many warned you that the magnitude of your feelings and his behaviour was inappropriate). Now it's making yourself available to a wounded ex who is touching you inappropriately.

    I think it might help to go back and uncover why you keep putting yourself in these positions. It may have something to do with seeking validation for yourself and needing the ego boost.

    Ego has a lot of negative connotations especially in layperson terms and that's not what I mean. I am meaning it in the psychological sense. You have low self-esteem and are using individuals to fill a void inappropriately. I don't think this is about boundaries or as simple as boundaries. I feel like you're so lonely and your self-confidence is very low. Most people wouldn't feel sorry for an ex that touches them inappropriately but you do.

    I think you're drawn to feeling sorry for yourself and drawn to confusion and difficult situations that make you feel uncomfortable but really amount to nothing. The fellow in your previous situation really meant nothing to you in the bigger picture (he was just a mentor offering a few tips) and this ex also means nothing to you (he's not even attractive or appealing in the romantic sense).

    Try working on positive thoughts and acknowledging yourself positively. Your whole being and recognizing your path, what you're about, your goals and appreciating all your feelings. I understand you feel the need to help but it doesn't always mean a knee jerk reaction. Think about things carefully and go about things a bit more slowly in future. You don't always have to respond to your feelings or impulses. Feelings and impulses should be weighed or measured against long term thoughts about whether such actions help anyone at all and most of all you. I think you're, at heart, a pure hearted and kind person but you're also sorely lacking in self-esteem. Keep learning about yourself and love yourself too, enough not to put yourself in these situations
    .
    ^ THIS entire post nailed it and is worth repeating many times. Print it and stick it on your fridge where you see it every day and ask yourself WHY you put yourself in these situations. I would also suggest you seek professional counselling/therapy to help you figure out what you are getting out of this and/or if you thrive on the drama and why. This is more about you than anything else (imo).

  11. #20
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I don't think it's healthy to be friends after breaking up with him. Make a clean break and make it final.

    You don't have to be a jerk about this. Just be honest, tell him you wish him well and all the best. Tell him it's time to go your separate ways. You needn't explain in such great detail to him. He's a big boy and it's time for him to take care of himself. It's time for you to move on with your life ~ without him!

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