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Small, ridiculous problem with a larger underlying issue- Help?


lilymars

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While my boyfriend was making breakfast, I went downstairs to get a cup of coffee and a cappuccino for him. I got an oat milk latte for myself. They accidentally made his order with oat milk as well. I brought everything upstairs even though his order was wrong. It was a long line in a tiny shop and I felt embarrassed to ask them to make it again. I figured he could try it and if he didn’t like it there was always the coffee to drink.

 

He was upset about his coffee order being messed up. I felt kind of put out because he didn’t say thank you for the effort or anything just scowled at me and balled up his fists. I understood his disappointment, I just didn’t like the reaction, especially bc I’ve been in an abusive relationship before and men getting very upset over small things and becoming what appears to me to be physically menacing, really triggers some ptsd like symptoms for me.

 

He then gets upset with my reaction- he doesn’t like when I get anxious in response to his anger. I start crying and he gets more frustrated and things sort of spiral. I go back downstairs and get another cappuccino with the correct milk this time for him. When I come back up, we talk and he says that he feels like I don’t give him space to be upset or mad and that he doesn’t like the fact that I get anxious and look like I think that he’s going to hit me when he gets mad.

 

I understand what he is saying. I want him to have the space to be disappointed/angry/whatever and I don’t want him to feel responsible for managing my reactions or previous traumas. At the same time, I also felt like he was being kind of a jerk about the messed up coffee order and could’ve communicated differently about it. It’s hard for me not to feel scared when some one snaps at me and balls up his fists and looks so angrily at me.

 

I paid for the coffee and tend to pay for more things in the relationship bc I make more money. I don’t mind doing these things but was trying to express to him that it didn’t feel nice to have my effort go unappreciated. I didn’t feel like he was hearing my side of things and kept directing it back to me not giving him the space to be upset and not liking that I act scared of him when he’s like that. He also felt like I made it a bigger deal than it was but I also felt like his somewhat outsized reaction is what made it a big deal?

 

I don’t know. I feel confused and slightly crazy and totally ridiculous about this situation. I want to give him the space to feel whatever he wants, it’s reasonable for him to be upset over a messed up order and I should’ve just corrected it when I got the first cappuccino and realized it was wrong, but I also can’t shake feeling a bit hurt by all of this. I guess I’m just looking for some outside perspective on this and some resources for myself so that I can manage my feelings better?

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Do you think it's all your fault?

 

I don’t think it’s all my fault.. I just have trouble parsing out what each of us is doing to make things spiral into such a weird place over some of the most mundane thing like a cup of coffee. I feel like he can sometimes be ly and a little inconsiderate but I am also sensitive and anxious. I just feel really turned around and confused after we have conflicts like this and want to be able to handle them better in the future.

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From what you wrote, you are apologetic and hesitant (even with the coffee shop employees!) And he is an easy burn who flies off the handle, then settles down.

 

He will continue to fly off the handle as long as you are willing to leap to get him another cup of coffee.

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If anyone, much less someone who claimed to love me, would expect me to head back out to correct a cup coffee over a few drops of milk instead of just thanking me for the coffee? I'd offer them the opportunity to go make the switch themselves, and I'd be clear that this is the last cup of coffee--or anything else--I'd want to share with this person, and I'd be sure to make that happen.

 

It's not about the coffee.

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That’s a fair assessment. I need to work on being more assertive and I did feel a bit like I was rewarding his negative reaction by going to get him the correct order. Thank you.

 

That's an awful lot of fuss and nonsense on his part about the coffee. Yes you did reward his bad behaviour by getting him another coffee. He should go get it himself.

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If anyone, much less someone who claimed to love me, would expect me to head back out to correct a cup coffee over a few drops of milk instead of just thanking me for the coffee? I'd offer them the opportunity to go make the switch themselves, and I'd be clear that this is the last cup of coffee--or anything else--I'd want to share with this person, and I'd be sure to make that happen.

 

It's not about the coffee.

 

This.

 

My most generous read is that you guys bring out the worst in each other—that all these things you think you need to "work on" wouldn't exist with someone who was, you know, kind.

 

Which brings me to my less generous read: your boyfriend is not a kind human being, is quick to get irritable, blows up before cooling down, and in you he has someone who rewards that.

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You should not have gone back for the coffee. You should have left when he started to have his tantrum. Scowling and balling up his fists. Wow!

 

Do you usually wait on this guy? Who pays for things?

 

You are in another bad relationship. Perhaps, you should be single to understand what attracts you to these types.

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I agree with the other members that you shouldn't have gone down again to buy another cup for him and I'm not sure why he takes so long to recover from something like this. Even though morning coffees are a big deal to a lot of people, perspective helps. I hope you don't feel so bad about this.

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Morning coffee is a big deal to me. I probably would hate it with oat milk. But on the other hand I take my coffee simply - just plain with a little milk. And I’m actually not sure my husband would know that and I do know he wouldn’t know how to make coffee. He’s not a coffee drinker. If I got him the wrong soda - especially something he could not drink - like caffeine at night- he might be annoyed and would understand if the reason was a long line. He would be more annoyed if I was just careless and seemed not to care about what I wanted. As would I. To me it’s about intentions - you cared and you made a judgment call not to ask them to change the order. He should have focused on the intention and gone downstairs to get another coffee or get it changed.

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You need to read up on abusive relationships because you're in one. It won't get better and it's never about oatmilk, coffee, etc. It's about putting you down and in impossible positions so he has a "reason" to go off on you. You have been brainwashed into believing it's about "ridiculous things", when in fact it's all an act to intimidate you, pick fights, etc..

 

Does he drink/do drugs? Do not talk about anything with him. Instead privately and confidentially get to a therapist asap and discuss what is really going on without protecting him and candy-coating or rationalizing everything this much. You are in a great deal of denial about what is going on, but your instincts are telling you something is way off.

I need to work on being more assertive
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My heart goes put to you. It sounds to me like you're in an abusive relationship and only you can change that. Get out of it now as it'll only get harder the longer you stay with him. It's not you who over-reacts, it's him - clenching his fists over the wrong milk in a coffee? You'll find that whatever he says about you, actually applies to himself. Don't stay in something that makes you miserable. The right guy will make you feel great.

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While my boyfriend was making breakfast, I went downstairs to get a cup of coffee and a cappuccino for him. I got an oat milk latte for myself. They accidentally made his order with oat milk as well. I brought everything upstairs even though his order was wrong. It was a long line in a tiny shop and I felt embarrassed to ask them to make it again. I figured he could try it and if he didn’t like it there was always the coffee to drink.

 

He was upset about his coffee order being messed up. I felt kind of put out because he didn’t say thank you for the effort or anything just scowled at me and balled up his fists. I understood his disappointment, I just didn’t like the reaction, especially bc I’ve been in an abusive relationship before and men getting very upset over small things and becoming what appears to me to be physically menacing, really triggers some ptsd like symptoms for me.

 

He then gets upset with my reaction- he doesn’t like when I get anxious in response to his anger. I start crying and he gets more frustrated and things sort of spiral. I go back downstairs and get another cappuccino with the correct milk this time for him. When I come back up, we talk and he says that he feels like I don’t give him space to be upset or mad and that he doesn’t like the fact that I get anxious and look like I think that he’s going to hit me when he gets mad.

 

I understand what he is saying. I want him to have the space to be disappointed/angry/whatever and I don’t want him to feel responsible for managing my reactions or previous traumas. At the same time, I also felt like he was being kind of a jerk about the messed up coffee order and could’ve communicated differently about it. It’s hard for me not to feel scared when some one snaps at me and balls up his fists and looks so angrily at me.

 

I paid for the coffee and tend to pay for more things in the relationship bc I make more money. I don’t mind doing these things but was trying to express to him that it didn’t feel nice to have my effort go unappreciated. I didn’t feel like he was hearing my side of things and kept directing it back to me not giving him the space to be upset and not liking that I act scared of him when he’s like that. He also felt like I made it a bigger deal than it was but I also felt like his somewhat outsized reaction is what made it a big deal?

 

You are in an abusive relationship again. You're responsible for managing his emotions and managing your own feelings 'better' and he can carry on like a spoiled toddler crying literally over milk. He can overreact all he wants and you have to stay in line at all times. Sounds pretty one-sided.

 

it’s reasonable for him to be upset over a messed up order

 

Is it?

 

I think most people can put a coffee into perspective.

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It's reasonable to be miffed over a messed up order. Let me give you a reasonable reaction:

 

"Aw s__t, the batista messed it up. Thanks for getting me coffee, not your fault. I really can't stomach this though, I'm going to go down and get another, see you in a few"

 

Him scowling, NOT thanking you, and balling up his fists? The fists thing is absolutely physically menacing, don't forget that. This is not an appropriate reaction. Of course, given your history, you'd get anxious, cry, and go down and get him another coffee, only to come back to him basically saying "I need the freedom to get angry and you need to stay silent and emotionless and do what I want."

 

This is a pretty textbook snapshot of abuse.

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I appreciate everyone’s advice and perspectives. His reaction yesterday pinged alarm bells in me but I have so much trouble trusting my gut in relationships so hearing all of your responses was helpful. I think I need to see a therapist or something to figure out why I’m seeking these sorts of relationships and how to stop. In my professional life I am in control and very high performing- people respect me and know not to push me around. I don’t know why I have trouble applying the same energy to my personal relationships.

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Actually, that's not uncommon at all.

 

I was just going to say that!

 

lily, if you choose to stay, it is essential you grow a backbone and learn to maintain boundaries and stand up to him when necessary.

 

Do not allow him to intimidate you; as has been said a trillion zillion times we teach people how to treat us through our actions.

 

By apologizing and getting him another coffee, you actually rewarded him for his absolutely deplorable reaction and behaviour.

 

Catfeeder gave excellent advice earlier, cut and paste to your fridge and read every morning like an affirmation.

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In my professional life I am in control and very high performing- people respect me and know not to push me around. I don’t know why I have trouble applying the same energy to my personal relationships.

 

This is pretty textbook.

 

The irony—speaking generally, not about you, though maybe this resonates—is that a lot of the same qualities that makes people successful are the same ones that get them into pretty abusive relationships. Lack of self-worth, in short, and a need to "prove" their worth in a sphere outside of themselves.

 

In a professional environment that can fuel ambition and striving, a willingness to go that extra mile, work those extra hours. That brings success, and success gets you respect in a professional environment. So even if the fuel is a bit volatile (lack of self-worth, need for outside validation) the results can be productive, even healthy. You make money and are treated respectfully; that builds confidence, and so on.

 

But in a relationship? It's different, if it has the same fuel. You may find yourself drawn to someone who does not respect you—or people in general—and then see if you can "earn" that respect by "working hard" and thus find a greater sense of worth. But that work, in this context, is more often than not just rewarding someone who doesn't respect you—since, well, that was kind of the point.

 

Something to think about.

 

You should never feel you need to "prove" your worth in a romantic relationship, or "earn" respect, because you don't invest in people who put you that position. Those that put you in that position? You divest. Or, in this context: you don't run out and get them another cup of coffee after they treat you like sh*t. That's the version of "going the extra mile" that drills you into a bad spot, rather than moves you forward to a good one.

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