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Thread: Small, ridiculous problem with a larger underlying issue- Help?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    If anyone, much less someone who claimed to love me, would expect me to head back out to correct a cup coffee over a few drops of milk instead of just thanking me for the coffee? I'd offer them the opportunity to go make the switch themselves, and I'd be clear that this is the last cup of coffee--or anything else--I'd want to share with this person, and I'd be sure to make that happen.

    It's not about the coffee.
    This.

    My most generous read is that you guys bring out the worst in each otheróthat all these things you think you need to "work on" wouldn't exist with someone who was, you know, kind.

    Which brings me to my less generous read: your boyfriend is not a kind human being, is quick to get irritable, blows up before cooling down, and in you he has someone who rewards that.

  2. #12
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    You should not have gone back for the coffee. You should have left when he started to have his tantrum. Scowling and balling up his fists. Wow!

    Do you usually wait on this guy? Who pays for things?

    You are in another bad relationship. Perhaps, you should be single to understand what attracts you to these types.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I agree with the other members that you shouldn't have gone down again to buy another cup for him and I'm not sure why he takes so long to recover from something like this. Even though morning coffees are a big deal to a lot of people, perspective helps. I hope you don't feel so bad about this.

  4. #14
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    Morning coffee is a big deal to me. I probably would hate it with oat milk. But on the other hand I take my coffee simply - just plain with a little milk. And Iím actually not sure my husband would know that and I do know he wouldnít know how to make coffee. Heís not a coffee drinker. If I got him the wrong soda - especially something he could not drink - like caffeine at night- he might be annoyed and would understand if the reason was a long line. He would be more annoyed if I was just careless and seemed not to care about what I wanted. As would I. To me itís about intentions - you cared and you made a judgment call not to ask them to change the order. He should have focused on the intention and gone downstairs to get another coffee or get it changed.

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  6. #15
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    Yes. I wouldnít have let you even if you offered.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to read up on abusive relationships because you're in one. It won't get better and it's never about oatmilk, coffee, etc. It's about putting you down and in impossible positions so he has a "reason" to go off on you. You have been brainwashed into believing it's about "ridiculous things", when in fact it's all an act to intimidate you, pick fights, etc..

    Does he drink/do drugs? Do not talk about anything with him. Instead privately and confidentially get to a therapist asap and discuss what is really going on without protecting him and candy-coating or rationalizing everything this much. You are in a great deal of denial about what is going on, but your instincts are telling you something is way off.
    Originally Posted by lilymars
    I need to work on being more assertive

  8. #17
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    My heart goes put to you. It sounds to me like you're in an abusive relationship and only you can change that. Get out of it now as it'll only get harder the longer you stay with him. It's not you who over-reacts, it's him - clenching his fists over the wrong milk in a coffee? You'll find that whatever he says about you, actually applies to himself. Don't stay in something that makes you miserable. The right guy will make you feel great.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This is the precursor to a fist in your face. That will happen when you keep getting in deeper . It's not "if", it's when.
    Originally Posted by lilymars
    just scowled at me and balled up his fists. what appears to me to be physically menacing.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lilymars
    While my boyfriend was making breakfast, I went downstairs to get a cup of coffee and a cappuccino for him. I got an oat milk latte for myself. They accidentally made his order with oat milk as well. I brought everything upstairs even though his order was wrong. It was a long line in a tiny shop and I felt embarrassed to ask them to make it again. I figured he could try it and if he didnít like it there was always the coffee to drink.

    He was upset about his coffee order being messed up. I felt kind of put out because he didnít say thank you for the effort or anything just scowled at me and balled up his fists. I understood his disappointment, I just didnít like the reaction, especially bc Iíve been in an abusive relationship before and men getting very upset over small things and becoming what appears to me to be physically menacing, really triggers some ptsd like symptoms for me.

    He then gets upset with my reaction- he doesnít like when I get anxious in response to his anger. I start crying and he gets more frustrated and things sort of spiral. I go back downstairs and get another cappuccino with the correct milk this time for him. When I come back up, we talk and he says that he feels like I donít give him space to be upset or mad and that he doesnít like the fact that I get anxious and look like I think that heís going to hit me when he gets mad.

    I understand what he is saying. I want him to have the space to be disappointed/angry/whatever and I donít want him to feel responsible for managing my reactions or previous traumas. At the same time, I also felt like he was being kind of a jerk about the messed up coffee order and couldíve communicated differently about it. Itís hard for me not to feel scared when some one snaps at me and balls up his fists and looks so angrily at me.

    I paid for the coffee and tend to pay for more things in the relationship bc I make more money. I donít mind doing these things but was trying to express to him that it didnít feel nice to have my effort go unappreciated. I didnít feel like he was hearing my side of things and kept directing it back to me not giving him the space to be upset and not liking that I act scared of him when heís like that. He also felt like I made it a bigger deal than it was but I also felt like his somewhat outsized reaction is what made it a big deal?
    You are in an abusive relationship again. You're responsible for managing his emotions and managing your own feelings 'better' and he can carry on like a spoiled toddler crying literally over milk. He can overreact all he wants and you have to stay in line at all times. Sounds pretty one-sided.

    Originally Posted by lilymars
    itís reasonable for him to be upset over a messed up order
    Is it?

    I think most people can put a coffee into perspective.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    It's reasonable to be miffed over a messed up order. Let me give you a reasonable reaction:

    "Aw s__t, the batista messed it up. Thanks for getting me coffee, not your fault. I really can't stomach this though, I'm going to go down and get another, see you in a few"

    Him scowling, NOT thanking you, and balling up his fists? The fists thing is absolutely physically menacing, don't forget that. This is not an appropriate reaction. Of course, given your history, you'd get anxious, cry, and go down and get him another coffee, only to come back to him basically saying "I need the freedom to get angry and you need to stay silent and emotionless and do what I want."

    This is a pretty textbook snapshot of abuse.

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