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Am I overreacting?


Adriana7

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So here goes y’all, me and my child’s father have been over for over 2 years now. Everything good on my end. However when he left he forgot to take his mom with him. Before you say I’m being mean please know that my ex who I was with 7 years is a narcissist. After years of studying these kind of people and leaving the one I was with his mother after the breakup upped the calls and texts between us. There are times I feel like she is trying to keep up with me and let him know what I’m doing. I don’t like that If it’s true. She is my kids nana but she calls ME not her grandkid. To gossip. My ex has a baby now who is the cutest thing ever and all she does now is send me pics and videos of the baby like he’s mine. All I want to do is move on with my life -WITHOUT HIM IN IT!! My daughter sees her dad regularly and her baby brother she adores him. I watched a video explaining that his mom just may be a flying monkey for him. Am I overreacting?? Should I cut this woman off from my life( not my daughter’s)? I just have a feeling that I can’t trust her 100 percent and I’m trying to move along with my life without her input. She even has told me when I should start dating! Help! Any narcissist survivors I need your honest help here. She just sent me a video of this mans baby AGAIN!! 🤦🏽♀️

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I'm not sure I believe in narcissism as I've found it's often used out of context by enablers. I think you are enabling his mother's behaviour and that unhealthy relationship you have with her doesn't have enough boundaries. I'm also not sure what your financial situation is like - do you depend on her for income or the upkeep of the home? If you are self-sufficient, the set up doesn't make sense. She can still offer to babysit in her own home (separate from your home with your daughter) if you depend on her for babysitting for example and all of you can still develop and maintain a relationship for the sake of your daughter.

 

By saying that your child's father forgot to take his mom with him suggests that it's his fault for leaving her behind. It's really your responsibility to introduce proper boundaries and enforce them after your break up. Try and take more ownership for the situation and come to a solution that works for everyone.

 

Your daughter shouldn't be left without a nana or lose touch with her dad or her little brother but neither should you be living with the grandmother or forgetting to create better boundaries for yourself. I agree with you that you do need to live your own life and feel as a separate and independent entity. The problem is I don't think you're doing enough for yourself in order to get to that place. Try and start coming up with ideas that might work for all of you.

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Adriana, you can never cut her out of your life as long as she is your child's grandmother. But you can certainly let her understand that you don't wish to discuss your private life with her.

 

Keep the conversations about your child. If she starts asking you about your personal life, whom you're dating, etc., just give her vague, non-specific answers.

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When she phones say hi to her and tell her you will get your child to talk to her, and then do that. Stop being drawn into conversations with her.

 

I cannot stand talking to my husband's sister so back when he had a land line and I answered and it was her I'd say hi, let me get (hubby's name) for you and then I'd give him the phone. Now she just has his cell # and I never have to talk to her.

 

This is all about boundaries.

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I'd counter anything that I don't want to answer with, "Thanks for asking, but I'd prefer to keep that stuff private." Then change the subject by asking if your daughter told her about the party at school, or whatever.

 

The rest is no skin off your back, and it makes no sense for your own head to set your child's grandmother up as an adversary. Just skip telling her anything you don't want her to know, and move forward.

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To the first person who replied : I live in my own home I drive my own car. I have a very good job while I own two degrees. She does nothing for my livelihood. I do not depend on anyone for anything. Thanks for your input. And yes, narcissists actually do exist.

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Adriana, you can never cut her out of your life as long as she is your child's grandmother. But you can certainly let her understand that you don't wish to discuss your private life with her.

 

Keep the conversations about your child. If she starts asking you about your personal life, whom you're dating, etc., just give her vague, non-specific answers.

 

Thank you for your answer. That i will definitely do. I just don't think she should be calling me three times a day to only talk to me and not her granddaughter. Seems odd to me. Thank you!

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Why are you engaging with her in this capacity? You are enabling this situation.

 

Set up dates with her to meet with the kids, then hand the phone to your children.

 

It's hard to do that when I have known and conversed with her 7 years now. I will create boundaries from now on. I just don't answer the phone when she calls 3 times a day now. She shows more interest in my life than her granddaughters. Thanks.

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I'd counter anything that I don't want to answer with, "Thanks for asking, but I'd prefer to keep that stuff private." Then change the subject by asking if your daughter told her about the party at school, or whatever.

 

The rest is no skin off your back, and it makes no sense for your own head to set your child's grandmother up as an adversary. Just skip telling her anything you don't want her to know, and move forward.

 

She is definitely not my adversary I never said that. I know I must create more boundaries because it's obvious she's calling to get my info to relay back to her son. That's my fault for being too comfortable with her. I feel like she's keeping tabs on Me. If you understand a narcissist which people rarely do, you could see she's definitely his flying monkey. I Will definitely take the advice. Thanks.

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She is definitely not my adversary I never said that. I know I must create more boundaries because it's obvious she's calling to get my info to relay back to her son. That's my fault for being too comfortable with her. I feel like she's keeping tabs on Me. If you understand a narcissist which people rarely do, you could see she's definitely his flying monkey. I Will definitely take the advice. Thanks.

 

Consider allowing your phone to go to voicemail, then call her back when it's convenient for you to have your daughter close by. Explain that this time of the day is the best time of day for her to reach out any day she'd like. So you are welcoming and encouraging even while you are giving grandma parameters for when to call, and while it implies that you may not answer at any other time, your behavior needs to back that up with the voicemail and a consistent call back at the appropriate time.

 

When she asks you something that is none of her business and irrelevant to the kids, you can respond, "Thanks for asking, but maybe we can talk about that at another time. Oh! [daughter's name] wants to say hello." Be consistent as you bypass anything you don't want to speak about. Any time she presses, simply put your daughter on the phone.

 

The woman may not 'like' any of this, but too-bad-so-sad. You can't expect anything to change unless you're willing to play the bad guy and establish change. And reinforce it.

 

Head high.

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Your ties with your ex MIL (mother-in-law) will be forever until she dies because she will always be your kids' grandmother.

 

You're going to have to be the bigger person, take the high road and be classy even though she isn't. Other people in your life won't be classy either. All you can do is exercise your own self control, show grace, poise, politeness and remain civil. You don't have to love nor hate. Be numb and cool. This is what I do with certain extended family members, relatives and in-laws. I don't like several of them but I can't avoid them. Should we cross paths, I'm civil, polite, respectful yet frostily distant. It works. You ought to try it.

 

Don't go out of your way to try to be chummy. Keep a safe distant while remaining peaceful. Do it for your kids' sake if anything. Keep the peace, be diplomatic and remain politely distant. It works. I've since had a lot of practice! You can do this!

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