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Very complicated situation (22/F) and feeling very depressed.


beeurself173

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Hi all.

 

As the title states, I have a very complicated situation right now. I met a guy about 7 months ago and I instantly liked him. We’ve sort of been seeing each other for those 7 months and recently I was diagnosed with HPV that has been treated. I was planning on telling him this, but a couple nights ago (last time I saw him) but we ended up getting really drunk/doing drugs. I made a huge mistake and didn’t disclose and I obviously feel horrible about it. I’ve been crying all morning and so scared to tell him because he deserves to know. However, there is another issue at hand. That night he got out of hand and hit me multiple times as well as said some verbally mean things. I thought he was simply playing around but looking back on it, I remember feeling scared. We haven’t talked about it because he woke up and said he didn’t remember anything. I am not really sure how to move forward. I really care about him and I have this secret that I need to tell him, but after seeing that side of him I am a little scared to say anything. It’s hard because after last night, I’m not even sure if I would want something serious with him. Any advice would be appreciated.

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The relationship shouldn't continue (please don't see him again) if he's hitting you. Your doubts are founded. Please listen to your instincts. The drugs need to stop also - seek help. Some battles cannot be fought alone and if you need help, seek that help from trained professionals who can help you. I think you should distance yourself emotionally and physically from this person and clear your mind. Decide what you want to do from there regarding telling him or not about the HPV. That's a call you need to make on your own. I'd generally advise keeping others informed.

 

I did date someone a long time ago who did have a similar std and two months in he told me before things progressed or we were sexually active. It was very difficult for him but I respected him for it. Associate yourself more with people who uplift you and give you hope and encourage you despite the diagnosis. There is a lot more to life and you are not your std. Stay positive and continue to take care of your health. This stress is not good for you.

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Thank you for your reply.

 

I want to tell him about it because I feel so horrible. I feel like the worst person for not saying anything and I don’t want him to hate me. But after seeing what I did the other day, I’m afraid of his reaction. I am so sad because I really do care about him and it makes me wonder about what the future would be like if this is already occurring. He kept saying things while he was under the influence like “See, this is what you’d be getting yourself into” and I feel bad. I am honestly no better than him.

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This guy sounds like really bad news. As in never see him again bad news. And I think that's really the main thing you should be focusing on right now.

 

Men who abuse you, physically and emotionally, are men to never see again. No man, under any circumstances, is justified in behaving the way he did with you, so please don't equivocate that you're "no better than him" because you didn't mention an STD that has been treated.

 

As Rose said, this is the time to create distance—permanent distance. This person is not healthy, and, by the sounds of it, he knows it. If you feel the need to tell him, you can send him an email. Then continue focusing on you and your health, mental and physical. HPV is not forever. The trauma of abuse is much, much longer lasting.

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I think what makes it so sad is that I care so much about him and want him to feel the same for me that I’m doing things (drugs) that I normally wouldn’t just so that maybe he will think more of me.

 

I think I just feel horrible because my intention was to disclose the hpv to him prior to sex. But it just happened and I’m afraid of his reaction if I tell him now. It’s the visible kind (warts), but I have gotten treatment and there’s none visible. I think he does know he isn’t healthy and he has told me in the past, but I never thought it would be as bad as it was. I couldn’t tell if he was just playing around, but when I had bruises I knew that it wasn’t okay. Lots of other things happened/were said and it just hurts when you care so much but they don’t for you. I don’t want to hurt him.

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I think what makes it so sad is that I care so much about him and want him to feel the same for me that I’m doing things (drugs) that I normally wouldn’t just so that maybe he will think more of me.

 

I think I just feel horrible because my intention was to disclose the hpv to him prior to sex. But it just happened and I’m afraid of his reaction if I tell him now. It’s the visible kind (warts), but I have gotten treatment and there’s none visible. I think he does know he isn’t healthy and he has told me in the past, but I never thought it would be as bad as it was. I couldn’t tell if he was just playing around, but when I had bruises I knew that it wasn’t okay. Lots of other things happened/were said and it just hurts when you care so much but they don’t for you. I don’t want to hurt him.

 

He doesn't seem to mind hurting you.

 

Please make an appointment with your doctor to get a referral to a therapist. You don't think highly of yourself and the result is you are exposing yourself to terrible people. This cycle has to stop before you expose yourself to someone who will put you in the hospital or the morgue.

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You’re right. I think I just really don’t think I’m worthy of love or affection because of my diagnosis. I always find myself putting my all into someone and building them up and I never get the same in return. I just do feel bad, but I know that this isn’t the right relationship for me.

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Get to a doctor and discuss this situation on every level very frankly, including being drunk and being beaten. He may have given you something under the circumstances. Delete block and never have anything to do with someone like this. He got drunk and hit you and " I’m not even sure if I would want something serious with him"? When you are at the doctor ask for a referral to a therapist.

. That night he got out of hand and hit me multiple times as well as said some verbally mean things.
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You are doing drugs so someone will like you more. This is sad. If he does not care about you after 7 months, he never will.

 

You need to address your self esteem issues. You are chasing a guy who will not commit, is violent and does drugs. He is no prize, and you should address what got you in this place.

 

Tell him about the std, and end it. I also suggest some therapy.

 

Why aren't you using condoms? Unbelievable!

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Don't blame the drugs. Lots of people get drunk, do drugs. They don't all turn violent and attack women. In fact, most don't. They just laugh more than usual, fall asleep during movies, and can't walk in the straightest of lines for a few hours.

 

Something in you is trying to find excuses for him. Whatever that is—well, that's for therapy, to be purged through understanding. Understand that part of you and you won't be so drawn to men like this. You'll know you're worth much, much more, because you are.

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I was attracted to his personality. I would probably advise them not to say anything considering how he acted over small things and the fact that he was aggressive with me for no reason. I feel that if I do tell him now, he will have nothing but horrible things to say/do to me. Which is what I’m most scared of.

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I feel sick to my stomach over what I’ve done.

 

I feel sick to my stomach reading this.

 

Sick that your self-esteem is so low and the hatred you feel for yourself so strong that you are worried a man who verbally and physically abused you the way he did won't like you.

 

This "person" even warned you saying that (the abuse) is what you'd be getting yourself into if you continue dating him.

 

Only worse most likely, like he may do what other abusers have done, toss acid in your face disfiguring you for lfe.

 

Google it, there are many stories written about it, or boyfriends cutting off limbs or equally horrendous acts of violence toward their partners.

 

Yeah that is what you have to look forward to if you stay.

 

He warned you. And if you continue dating him, the message you're sending is "bring it on! I deserve it."

 

Is that the message you truly want to send or would you rather spend your time and energy in a therapist's office exploring why you hate yourself so much and take steps to heal?

 

This saddens me so much, I hope you are listening to all our advice, will get rid of this lunatic and get some help.

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I was attracted to his personality. I would probably advise them not to say anything considering how he acted over small things and the fact that he was aggressive with me for no reason. I feel that if I do tell him now, he will have nothing but horrible things to say/do to me. Which is what I’m most scared of.

 

Would you tell them to end things or continue with an abusive man?

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I think he meant the drug abuse is what would continue to happen. Either way, it is still a situation I do not want to be a part of. I think I am mostly feeling guilty that I didn’t inform him prior to sexual relations this time. I really wanted to be a good person and I feel a lot of self hatred because I didn’t say anything. And now after what happened I can’t because I’m scared of the outcome. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.

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