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Just found out my dad has dementia


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My aunt called me to say my dad had another TIA during his dialysis . ( his 11th) . They have done cognitive assessments and found he’s in the early stages of dementia . And many of you know what an evil horrible parent he was and my aunt tells me that my brother and I need to step up because we are his kids she’s only his sister even though she is his executor . Apparently he needs lifeline and she wants us to pay for it because he can’t . I know he’s my dad but I’m outraged this is a person that didn’t even feed me and had his violent Paedophile brother in our life .

 

I know he’s my dad and I’ll probably pay for it but I am just so outraged right now . I remember having to walk around the street looking for change to eat or feed my brother and I need to pay for his health needs? Wth

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He's your dad but that does not obligate you to do anything for him, given the terrible treatment you endured because of him.

 

Family bonds do not give license for continued abuse or handouts "because we are related". Sorry, but when a family member abuses another, all that familial goodwill is gone. And it should be! Because otherwise bad family members could keep abusing and using.

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I am just emotionally dead right now. I started my holidays and right on cue my aunt called to lay this on me. She even mentioned that she knew my holidays started . And she hasn’t called me in two years and the only time she calls me is to lay crap on me all the time .

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My mother was abusive in as many ways as you can think of and there's no way I'd have paid for any care for her because of that. You dont have to pay for your father and who the hell is your aunt to tell you what to do? Abusers dont deserve kind treatment by the ones they abused when their life takes a turn for the worse.

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He is just starting the dementia journey and likely won’t live it long anyway he has been on dialysis almost 5 years his diabetes and renal failure will kill him long before dementia will . The waitlist for a government home he would be dead long before he got in it .

If he has dementia, he shouldn't be living alone. Tell your aunt to put him in a government run nursing home, and then he won't need the lifeline.
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I'm sorry for your painful past, Seraphim.

 

I hope your outrage will transform into calm someday soon.

 

If you end up helping your dad during his dementia and dialysis, I hope you can feel this stage is only temporary. He won't last long at this rate. As hard as it is to do, you're doing your moral duty and you won't have any regrets later because you're a good person. Life is hard.

 

I hope it helps for you to become unemotional because once you remove emotions, you'll feel numb towards bitterness and resentment. Or at least there are less outraged feelings when one becomes unemotional. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

I want your day in the sun to come very soon.

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I'm not sure how it works in Canada but if you just refuse to do anything for him and your aunt does the same... He has to go somewhere, right? If he's determined not to have capacity, maybe he can be placed in some home. I'll be honest, probably won't be a nice home, but seems fitting for someone like him and he will be taken care of.

 

At least that's how it works here. No one steps up for you, you go on Medicaid, and if you need a nursing home, you go to a Medicaid home. It's not great but you're not homeless and you're fed and medicated so I guess that's something.

 

Remember, family relation does not give someone license to abuse you nor does it obligate you to pour your money/time out to someone who has abused you. Any of this "its the right thing to do because it's your faaaattther" talk is just perpetuating the abuse cycle.

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What an awkward awkward no win situation (there probably is no course of action you can take that will feel right).

 

I don’t know I’d you’ll find solace or clarity in this but there’s a story arc in the most recent season of Bojack horseman exploring this very theme.

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My aunt called me to say my dad had another TIA during his dialysis . ( his 11th) . They have done cognitive assessments and found he’s in the early stages of dementia . And many of you know what an evil horrible parent he was and my aunt tells me that my brother and I need to step up because we are his kids she’s only his sister even though she is his executor . Apparently he needs lifeline and she wants us to pay for it because he can’t . I know he’s my dad but I’m outraged this is a person that didn’t even feed me and had his violent Paedophile brother in our life .

 

I know he’s my dad and I’ll probably pay for it but I am just so outraged right now . I remember having to walk around the street looking for change to eat or feed my brother and I need to pay for his health needs? Wth

 

I wouldn't blame you for not paying. I'd even root for you. But I think it's going to come down to doing what's best for your conscience.

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I wouldn't give him one penny. And I'd ignore the aunt and block her.

 

Just because someone provided the sperm to create you, does not entitle him to anything, given how horribly he treated you as a "father".

 

Just tell her that with expenses surrounding your son, and.....are you still running your business?? that between those two things, there is just not any money left over.

 

If you feel she won't leave you alone and you want to keep some sort of peace with her (although you certainly are under no obligation), give a small token amount, say $50/month, and be done.

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Absolutely. I am mostly estranged from my father but I do on many levels love him. He was a product of bad child abuse by many and severe mental heath disability. My dad is bipolar 1 and has borderline personality disorder . He made some leaps to do better but was severely lacking in any capacity of life.

 

Due to my mom I made the leap to new levels of understanding and made myself a MUCH MUCH better parent than him as my brother has. I won’t deny the mental health issues I was given as a result of treatment from his family has affected all my relationships but I strive to improve all the time.

 

Despite everything he is my father. I will be devastated and relieved at his death and I will attend to honour myself and the potential he could have had and even his own tenacity in the face of many severe challenges .

Sera, when he dies, do you think you would attend his funeral?
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I'm sorry this is happening.

It must be a whirlwind of feelings hearing all this. It's smart to let it settle before doing anything. Once you've had some time to process, the answer will be more clear.

Just too much at once, especially right after the death of your aunt. Big hugs.

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Absolutely. I am mostly estranged from my father but I do on many levels love him. He was a product of bad child abuse by many and severe mental heath disability. My dad is bipolar 1 and has borderline personality disorder . He made some leaps to do better but was severely lacking in any capacity of life.

 

Due to my mom I made the leap to new levels of understanding and made myself a MUCH MUCH better parent than him as my brother has. I won’t deny the mental health issues I was given as a result of treatment from his family has affected all my relationships but I strive to improve all the time.

 

Despite everything he is my father. I will be devastated and relieved at his death and I will attend to honour myself and the potential he could have had and even his own tenacity in the face of many severe challenges .

 

Then I don't see why you wouldn't participate in his end of life needs. You seem to have the capacity to forgive him. Why be bitter until the end?

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Thank you. Emotionally I am a hot mess at best and weeping at worst . She could have saved this to next week but she thought she would be a bytch, my dad’s sister I mean.

I'm sorry this is happening.

It must be a whirlwind of feelings hearing all this. It's smart to let it settle before doing anything. Once you've had some time to process, the answer will be more clear.

Just too much at once, especially right after the death of your aunt. Big hugs.

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