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Thread: Just found out my dad has dementia

  1. #21
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Absolutely. I am mostly estranged from my father but I do on many levels love him. He was a product of bad child abuse by many and severe mental heath disability. My dad is bipolar 1 and has borderline personality disorder . He made some leaps to do better but was severely lacking in any capacity of life.

    Due to my mom I made the leap to new levels of understanding and made myself a MUCH MUCH better parent than him as my brother has. I wonít deny the mental health issues I was given as a result of treatment from his family has affected all my relationships but I strive to improve all the time.

    Despite everything he is my father. I will be devastated and relieved at his death and I will attend to honour myself and the potential he could have had and even his own tenacity in the face of many severe challenges .
    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Sera, when he dies, do you think you would attend his funeral?

  2. #22
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I'm sorry this is happening.
    It must be a whirlwind of feelings hearing all this. It's smart to let it settle before doing anything. Once you've had some time to process, the answer will be more clear.
    Just too much at once, especially right after the death of your aunt. Big hugs.

  3. #23
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Absolutely. I am mostly estranged from my father but I do on many levels love him. He was a product of bad child abuse by many and severe mental heath disability. My dad is bipolar 1 and has borderline personality disorder . He made some leaps to do better but was severely lacking in any capacity of life.

    Due to my mom I made the leap to new levels of understanding and made myself a MUCH MUCH better parent than him as my brother has. I wonít deny the mental health issues I was given as a result of treatment from his family has affected all my relationships but I strive to improve all the time.

    Despite everything he is my father. I will be devastated and relieved at his death and I will attend to honour myself and the potential he could have had and even his own tenacity in the face of many severe challenges .
    Then I don't see why you wouldn't participate in his end of life needs. You seem to have the capacity to forgive him. Why be bitter until the end?

  4. #24
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    If you knew the atrocities he heaped on me and my mom and brother you would understand the anger.
    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Then I don't see why you wouldn't participate in his end of life needs. You seem to have the capacity to forgive him. Why be bitter until the end?

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  6. #25
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Thank you. Emotionally I am a hot mess at best and weeping at worst . She could have saved this to next week but she thought she would be a bytch, my dadís sister I mean.
    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    I'm sorry this is happening.
    It must be a whirlwind of feelings hearing all this. It's smart to let it settle before doing anything. Once you've had some time to process, the answer will be more clear.
    Just too much at once, especially right after the death of your aunt. Big hugs.

  7. #26
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I do understand the anger, but what I don't understand is that you say you still love him on some level, and you understand that his awful childhood contributed to what he was; also you claim that you will be devastated at his death, yet you have no desire to relieve his suffering at this point because of what he did to you.

    Wouldn't you feel better in the years to come to know that you took the high road and helped him in his last days instead of wallowing in the past? Can't you be the adult in the room now?

  8. #27
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    I do understand the anger, but what I don't understand is that you say you still love him on some level, and you understand that his awful childhood contributed to what he was; also you claim that you will be devastated at his death, yet you have no desire to relieve his suffering at this point because of what he did to you.

    Wouldn't you feel better in the years to come to know that you took the high road and helped him in his last days instead of wallowing in the past? Can't you be the adult in the room now?
    I never said I wouldnít help. I said I am outraged considering he has done zero for me and less for my brother etc. The evil he has perpetuated in life is horrific and his brother worse and the gaul of his sister is something else.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    You sound extremely conflicted and rightfully so. He abused you again and again and sounds like a terrible person but he also is deeply mentally ill.

    What do you need to do to feel the most comfortable with your actions?

  10. #29
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    My actions call me to be the better person. My husband is angry though . We started going out when my parents were still together. He knows my dad and knows his crap. He has stolen from my husband before when my husband was just 21. He besmirched my husbandís name etc. My husband obviously knows all that happened to me and he is outraged as well. His own father is heading into severe dementia and it has taken us years into harassing his parents into getting care they can easily pay for. They are FINALLY getting an assessment. My aunt just died . The one who had the 15 year relationship with my dad. She was my momís brotherís wife. Just a whole lot of conflict and hassle right now. And we all know how I despise my in-laws.
    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    You sound extremely conflicted and rightfully so. He abused you again and again and sounds like a terrible person but he also is deeply mentally ill.

    What do you need to do to feel the most comfortable with your actions?

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    If someone were in your shoes, same situation, would you judge them for walking away? I don't think stepping up and paying for them is necessarily you being a "better person". If you believe that, than that means that other people who chose to walk away from abuse are in the wrong. It's a valid option but doing so doesn't make you "right" because you have no moral obligation to someone who has abused you so repeatedly.

    Given the lack of obligation, putting that to bed, what would make you feel the best?

    Also, if he needs nursing care and needs a home but can't pay for one, doesn't the govt place him in one anyway? So why should you be burdened with any of that? Let the govt take him.

    Sorry I feel strongly about this. I found out a family member was abusive physically, emotionally, and sexually to a relative (long out of contact with abuser by choice) I've come to love so I cut that family member out of my life and he soon died. I refused to talk or see him after I found out the truth. He died begging for contact with that relative and never got it. I talk to this relative almost every day and the abuser's life is seen for the mockery that it was. I am proud of the road I've taken.

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