He keeps texting me but I'm not ready to be friends yet...

TL;DR Best friend and I broke up a month ago, after giving a year-long romance a shot.

We both agreed we want to still be friends because our bond is so strong, but now I feel like Ι can't really move on while he's texting me randomly like we're still best friends.

If I tell him I need time to move on, wouldn't that nullify any chance of keeping a friendship in the future?

Do I even need to say something or should I just never reply to his last texts from Tuesday?

[backstory]

He broke up with me a month ago. We were kind, loving and compassionate during the breakup - just how the one-year relationship was.

We rarely fought because we were best friends and agreed on nearly everything. We had the kind of relationship everyone in our circles envied. His whole family was crazy about me and so happy that we were together.

I feel kinda bad his family called him an idiot for leaving me... His mom is especially angry with him so they're not talking much last I heard.

Anyway, before the breakup, I had noticed he was becoming progressively more stressed at work, and had less energy for us.

We talked about it and it was okay.

Then he said "we need to talk" on the first weekend of June.

He was crying so hard, he looked so confused. He said he loves me so much, and that I'm his best friend but that "something is missing and something feels off and I don't know what it is... only that I just want to be alone now," and "I love you so much... I'm just not crazy about you anymore, I'm not in love anymore and I don't know why."

It was hard to cry, I was in shock. He apologized it was out of the blue since we had just been talking about all our future plans… he had just told me a couple days before “you feel like home to me, I can’t wait to live together”

We stayed on the bed for 2-3 hours talking about it. He said he didn’t want to just leave me there alone. He wanted us to feel closure.

We cried, reminisced and even laughed at how even now, we were consoling each other.

He said, “I’m scared I’m making the biggest mistake of my life and I fear I’ll regret this…”

A couple days later I sent him his things in the mail, with a nice brief note. He sent me a voice message sobbing... saying thank you.

A few days after, he said he misses me, and misses talking to me but that's his own fault.

We ended up video calling two weeks ago, and we slipped right back into being best friends... up until he started sobbing again saying how hard this is and it sucks.

I consoled him, told him it's okay and this happens in life. That I love him still, and even though I wish things were different, I don't want him to regret leaving me since he said before that's what he needs.

I tried to exercise a balance of NC and politeness. So I wouldn't reach out, but I would always respond briefly and with kindness whenever he did.

Last week we didn't talk at all. He reached out this past Tuesday saying he accidentally used my Amazon Prime (because it was still logged into his laptop) and that he cancelled the order and Cash App'd me the money.

I said, "No worries! Thanks for the heads up :)"

He sent a few texts after, joking around that he's got the proverbial lashing on standby as due penance and to "just say the word"

I didn't say anything... my heart sank when I had this realization - I can't be friends with someone I'm still in love with.

Now, I feel lost. Do I even need to say something? Or can I just leave his message alone and respond in a year when I'm over him? Typing that makes me realize how dumb that is.

Of course you can change the terms. The two of you are no longer a team and you don't need his permission.

You've been more than generous. Reading this sounds as if you are consoling him over his break up with you. Yet he's the one that made the decision to end it.

He no longer gets the benefit of emotional support from someone he just demoted from girlfriend to friend.

Look. I am not going to turn this into a negative. We'll leave it as you two having a healthy parting of ways. But the only one who is looking out of you, is you. He just resigned from that position.

Just tell him the being friend thing is too soon. Send him an email so you don't get caught up in a possible debate over it. It's not open for debate. Simple as that. You need some time and space to heal and maybe some day down the road you two can be friends.

Just not now.

I don't think he'll be surprised.

You'll get loads of different opinions about this.

In your shoes as they presently fit? I'd probably just go silent, take space, and know you're doing it for a good long time, to heal, to find your footing. If he reaches out—well, yeah, then you can kindly just let him know that you're not going to be in touch for a good while since you need some space right now. No need to spin that into a conversation, since that's the beginning and end of it.

If you're meant to be friends, you'll be friends. One step to the left or right right now isn't going to be the thing that throws that all off course. And what you're doing right now? It's not friendship, it's not authentic, so the more you do it the further you get from friendship. It's just treading water in a weird zone. Do that too long and the weird zone becomes the zone.

He sounds pretty lost. Happens. Been in his shoes, in yours. I don't have many hard rules about all this, but one thing I don't do is play nurse to someone who has broken up with me. I don't think it's healthy, for either party, in that it creates a really unfortunate dynamic. The exes I'm friends with and friendly with—and there are a few—are not people I spent any time talking to, crying to, or hearing them cry for an extended period in the aftermath of things. We each dealt with that in whatever way worked for us, so when we reconnected it wasn't about closure or opening new wounds but simply reconnecting on a different level, at a different time.

You two sound like you've got a good bond. Trust that some space and silence isn't going to be the thing that destroys it. It will just strengthen you, and we can't have strong bonds with anyone if we're not strong ourselves.

Sorry this is happening. The world would be a much better place if breakups were as human and decent as this one. You'll be fine. All the ingredients for that are already there.

I read that the breakup was amicable for the most part, but did you want the relationship to end?

I read that the breakup was amicable for the most part, but did you want the relationship to end?

I didn't want us to end at all... that's the problem. I'm still in love.

When he broke it off, he sat there staring at me sobbing, and I just stared at the ground for awhile. I eventually cried, and told him that I love him so much that even while this breaks my heart, I feel at peace knowing he's doing what's best for him. I'm [28F] his [27M] first girlfriend, and I can say he's going to be a wonderful man to his next girlfriend when that day comes - but I can't fathom being able to be his friend while he falls for another woman in front of me... not for YEARS.

That's why I don't think I'm ready at all.

I think I only said that during the breakup because I didn't want to let him go.

Ironically, I've never initiated contact since but he has a whole ton of times.

He sounds pretty lost. Happens. Been in his shoes, in yours. I don't have many hard rules about all this, but one thing I don't do is play nurse to someone who has broken up with me. I don't think it's healthy, for either party, in that it creates a really unfortunate dynamic. The exes I'm friends with and friendly with—and there are a few—are not people I spent any time talking to, crying to, or hearing them cry for an extended period in the aftermath of things. We each dealt with that in whatever way worked for us, so when we reconnected it wasn't about closure or opening new wounds but simply reconnecting on a different level, at a different time.

 

You two sound like you've got a good bond. Trust that some space and silence isn't going to be the thing that destroys it. It will just strengthen you, and we can't have strong bonds with anyone if we're not strong ourselves.

The only exes I'm friends with are the ones that I didn't expect to ever be friends with again. Years had to pass of NC.

Did you set up a date/time to reconnect? I know a few friends who really wanted to keep the friendship so they set "let's try friendship in a year" or something. But that seems... too clinical and might just add pressure where I don't want it. Thoughts?

He's not interested in you romantically and you're still in love with him. Why would you set yourself up so badly and continue to deprive yourself of a more fulfilling relationship with someone else by considering him your 'best friend'? It's a bit drawn out and unnecessary.

Be realistic with each other and respectful of the non-compatibility. Stop with the unnecessary texting and let things cool down for a bit and the dust settle. Don't engage in gossip or use friends or family members as spies or try to get under each others' skin or any other subversive tactics to get closer to each other (I'm not saying that you are but we all fall into bad habits or have weaknesses and the temptation is always there). The relationship is over.

If you really do consider each other as best friends or equals, stand your ground and be your usual graceful self but don't put up with his dramatic moods or over-inflated ego if he believes you'll blur the lines of gf and best friend. Move on to more fulfilling relationships that give back to you as much as you give to them and learn to develop more boundaries. You make the rules as you go. These should be unequivocally your rules independent of your friends or best friends. You shouldn't be afraid to develop yourself without needing the affirmation of him or your friends. Start exploring.

I agree with Rose. Apparently he wants to be single but keep you on the line as well. That's wrong of him to do that.

It's a really bad idea to prolong this breakup, and you need to tell him that it's too painful to keep in touch this way.

You're not his best friend. You're his former love interest. Move on, and start spending time with friends and doing things you've always wanted to do. He needs to let you go.

Did you set up a date/time to reconnect? I know a few friends who really wanted to keep the friendship so they set "let's try friendship in a year" or something. But that seems... too clinical and might just add pressure where I don't want it. Thoughts?

No dates, no times. Just kind of happened, probably because I wasn't super bent on it happening. I'm happy to have these people in my life today—there's really just one that I'm great friends with, and we broke up 15 years ago—but it was never the point of the breakups, if that makes sense.

And, like I said, I don't do what you're dabbling with right now. It's not some hard rule, but just how I am. Call it pride, call it self-preservation. But I'm not going to nurse someone through a breakup when I need to nurse myself. I also—and I don't say this judging your ex, or, well, maybe I am—wouldn't dare to throw my pain on someone I'd broken up with, no matter how scared I might be that I'll never have a shot again. Most people I've dated seriously, I guess, have had a similar attitude. The breakups lead to silence, and the universe dictates when and if reconnection happens.

Not to play the age card—I'm about to turn 40—but I think some of it has to do with having come of age and spent and spent my formative adult years in the time before texting, social media, FaceTime, and so on. Just as all that doesn't hold significant weight for me inside relationships, I don't have the urge to use those means to maintain a charge or water the seeds of a future friendship in the aftermath of a relationship. I trust silence and space. I like time and space. I need time and space. I'm hardly immune to the impulse: I probably wanted to text my last girlfriend daily for a good few months after we broke up, but I never did. And then, as these things go, I stopped wanting to.

You're in a painful moment right now, a fierce one. You both are. There's no way around that. While the urge to share that moment makes sense, given all you shared leading up to it, and while the notion of it ending, eventually, in friendship, softens the blow in theory, I think what you're doing now just makes it complicated. Give me a single knockout blow to the face over a thousand jabs, you know? I'll get back up, in time. And I don't believe in healing the blow with the fist that caused it.

I like what Rose said above: start exploring. Yourself, the world around you, old friends, new ones. That's always been my response to breakups—a chance to see new parts of myself, new parts of the world. It's not about stuffing the void—which I'd argue is what he's doing with the FaceTimes—but living alongside it for a bit and doing things that soften its edges.

Wishing you the best.

Sorry this is happening. Did he meet someone?

He was crying so hard, he looked so confused. He said he loves me so much, and that I'm his best friend but that "something is missing and something feels off and I don't know what it is... only that I just want to be alone now," and "I love you so much... I'm just not crazy about you anymore, I'm not in love anymore and I don't know why."I'm [28F] his [27M] first girlfriend

I really don't get being friends with exes. I have enough friends and wouldn't find any pleasure at all in keeping in touch with an ex-lover and hanging out with them. I know others do this, but as for me, if a guy I started dating said he kept in touch with an ex, it wouldn't match my relationship boundaries and I'd find the nearest exit. You might drive away a great guy if he finds out you keep in touch with an ex. Is that a risk you want to take with someone who dumped you?

Many women are naturally nurturers, thinking of others needs before their own, to their own detriment. It doesn't matter the reason he wants to keep in touch, and he's actually being self-centered and uncaring, not considering how his communication with you is hurting you and preventing you from moving on. I'd just send him a quick text telling him that you need closure and that he needs to respect your wishes and delete your number. Don't make any promises for future friendship. I have a feeling that with space and time away from the person who is not fated to be your forever person, that your life will be so fulfilling, you will have no interest in his so-called friendship.

Your instincts to back off and take space are correct here. You deserve time to heal, process, and move on, regardless of your past friendship.

The two of you permanently changed your dynamic when you decided to engage in a romantic relationship. If you become friends in the future, the nature of that friendship will be different than your original friendship, and that's okay. It's actually okay if you are never friends again either.

I once dated a man that was one of my best friends for many years before we became romantically involved. We became very serious and our relationship ended with infidelity. The situation absolutely broke me, and I was forced to cut him out for good. There were times in the past where I wished I could go back and never have the relationship to begin with. However, I eventually realized what was done couldn't be changed and that I needed to move forward with the reality of my life.

You will get to a place in the future where this no longer hurts. It starts with letting go and stopping contact completely.

You're smart to recognize that playing friendzies only positions you to keep getting your heart broken with every milestone forward for him. What's in that for you, beyond holding a fantasy that he'll change his mind?

You can still hold the same fantasy from far away while you nurture yourself. Ex might prefer but doesn't really 'need' your responses to breadcrumbs. The only healing of his that's beneficial to you would be the kind of reflection and clarity that says you're the one for him, and he's certain that he wants a committed relationship with you.

Anything less is continual heartbreak under the guise of maturity. I understand the draw, I've been there. I've since taught myself some lessons, and my private rule is that I will never involve myself with anyone who's still involved with an ex--any way, shape or form--beyond shared children. I've also come to learn that large numbers of healthy people feel this way, and so those who do the friendship thing don't realize how this limits their future. Or, they don't care, because they remain focused on old business.

So I'd skip projecting what-ifs onto the ex, and I'd focus instead of relaxing into a trust that if you and he were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet again on higher ground someday. But you'll both need to reach that higher ground on your own.

This is a gentler approach to healing than beating yourself up to squelch all hope or wracking your brain to anticipate future outcomes. Skip that, focus instead on a private goal of surprising everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this to pursue healing, self development and new interests.

This is your percentage play, because your own higher ground will bring a new perspective that you can't fathom now. It doesn't preclude you from indulging occasional bouts of boo-hoos with a tissue box, but, rather than drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of, it moves your focus onto your commitments to rekindle bonds with friends and family who you may have neglected, and a task of creating fabulous memories for others while you're not able to enjoy much yourself at the moment.

Helping family and friends with mundane projects, errands, yard work, treating them to meals or events or walks in the park will strengthen your bonds and ground you and help your focus to 'normalize' beyond your ex. If ex ever does want to reconcile with you, you'll have gained the perspective to deal with that, and if not, you'll have gained the headway toward healing.

I'd skip responding to him this round, and if he throws out any more breadcrumbs, I'd tell him, "I want for us to stop contact while we both still think highly of one another. When I'm healed enough to consider a friendship, I'll let you know, and if you ever change your mind about wanting to resume a romantic partnership with me, you can let me know."

So there's your peace with your door cracked open, even while you move forward.

Head high, and my heart goes out to you.