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Thread: Should I be jealous?

  1. #1

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    Should I be jealous?

    Me (21F) and my boyfriend (21) have been dating for just over 3 years and have lived together for 1 year. We have relationship problems recently because I am super controlling and he has a bad temper. Until a week ago we kept on saying that we were willing to work through the problems together and in the past few months we have each improved upon our issues.

    About a week ago he met this girl at college who has many common interests with him and he told me a lot about her. He then went on to tell me how somtimes it is appealing to just leave me and start over and it did appear that he had a "crush" on her. We had about a 5 hour mature conversation about this and he decided that in fact he knew nothing about her and it just sounded appealing because we were having so many issues. I said that if things are to work out between us he needed to let the girl know that he was in a relationship and I did make it clear I was not a fan of them texting a lot.

    So he told her and it turns out that she is in a relationship too. After that he thought about things for a few days and then disccused with me how staring over sounded really appealing but how he wants to dedicate himself to improving himself and our relationship. I asked him about his feelings towards the girl and he said that it was just a thought but he has no feelings for her and just wants more friends (he has almost no friends).

    Yesterday he told me that he was going to pick her up at 5:30 in the morning and go on a hike with her in this really secluded area that I really love hiking. I feel really hurt but when I tried to talk about it with him he said that I was being controlling and there was no reason to be jealous and that I just trust him. Since I have been working on my controlling behaviour I feel that there is not much room for me to even suggest he not see her alone.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Going for a hike in a secluded woods with a woman he has found appealing is not a good idea at all. He's probably lying that she is in a relationship.

    Are you sure you want to say with your boyfriend, given all of the problems you've had and his willingness to disrespect you by going on a hike with another female? Why aren't you invited to go?

  3. #3
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    Are you controlling, though? You sound extremely reasonable and level-headed.

    What makes you agree with that statement?

    I think most girls would be upset if their bf was texting a girl they admitted they had a crush on and then went on a solo hike with them in the middle of the woods...

  4. #4

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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Going for a hike in a secluded woods with a woman he has found appealing is not a good idea at all. He's probably lying that she is in a relationship.

    Are you sure you want to say with your boyfriend, given all of the problems you've had and his willingness to disrespect you by going on a hike with another female? Why aren't you invited to go?
    I have work and he showed me the texts between them where she says she has a boyfriend. She even sent a picture of her and her boyfriend.

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  6. #5

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    In other situations I tend to control, I am always suggesting other ways things can be done and I have trouble letting go having my way.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    He is crossing relationship boundaries by engaging in an emotional affair. It's up to each individual to not cross those boundaries while exclusive with someone. Why on earth do you think it's controlling on your part to not want your bf pouring emotional energy and time into a woman he's fantasized about leaving you to be with her? Any person with self worth, standards, and reasonable relationship rules would not be okay with this.

    This other woman has already been thoroughly discussed with you and it's a topic of strife. If he cared about you and maintaining your relationship, he would've chosen the state of your union and given up this "friendship" because it's toxic for the both of you.

    Instead, his actions of spending time with a woman he has chemistry with speaks louder than his hollow words of "improving my relationship with you."

    This youthful relationship has run its course and he's showing you that he wants to sow his wild oats before settling down. As for you, he's probably been your only serious relationship. You say he has a temper. Did you know that not all men suffer from this? Have you considered that maybe he is doing you a favor by bringing this relationship to a breaking point so that you can be free to eventually find a guy who is worthy of you and doesn't have a temper?

    Once you get time and distance away from this starter relationship, you'll probably wonder why you stayed so long. Take care.

  8. #7
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    I don't think it's appropriate for him to be going on an early-morning hike with a woman he has a crush on in a secluded area, no. And yes, he does have a crush.

    But, this isn't about whether you "should" be jealous. It's a question of having reasonable boundaries in a relationship, and behaving with integrity in ways that don't compromise a partner's trust. He isn't doing a good job of that. You can't tell him what to do, but you can assert your own boundary and voice your uneasiness. That is not controlling. It's speaking up for yourself, and stepping back to observe what he does with that information.

    I think you are going to find that he likes her a lot more than he's admitting and will continue to find ways to spend time with her. It's up to you to decide if you want to stick around for that. Personally, I would not. He's playing with fire and he knows it.

  9. #8
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    I would be upset if my bf went on a hike with a girl he keeps talking about. You don't sound controlling, did you ask him why he wants to spend time with her?

  10. #9

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    Originally Posted by kim42
    I would be upset if my bf went on a hike with a girl he keeps talking about. You don't sound controlling, did you ask him why he wants to spend time with her?
    He said that he wants more friends that have similar interests.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by RazzRazz
    He said that he wants more friends that have similar interests.
    In most cases, that would be logical and admirable.

    However, it's clear that he has more than friendly feelings for this girl. He doesn't have a lot of respect for you if he expects you to just be fine with this idea and believe that this is all platonic.

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