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Should I be jealous?


RazzRazz

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Me (21F) and my boyfriend (21) have been dating for just over 3 years and have lived together for 1 year. We have relationship problems recently because I am super controlling and he has a bad temper. Until a week ago we kept on saying that we were willing to work through the problems together and in the past few months we have each improved upon our issues.

 

About a week ago he met this girl at college who has many common interests with him and he told me a lot about her. He then went on to tell me how somtimes it is appealing to just leave me and start over and it did appear that he had a "crush" on her. We had about a 5 hour mature conversation about this and he decided that in fact he knew nothing about her and it just sounded appealing because we were having so many issues. I said that if things are to work out between us he needed to let the girl know that he was in a relationship and I did make it clear I was not a fan of them texting a lot.

 

So he told her and it turns out that she is in a relationship too. After that he thought about things for a few days and then disccused with me how staring over sounded really appealing but how he wants to dedicate himself to improving himself and our relationship. I asked him about his feelings towards the girl and he said that it was just a thought but he has no feelings for her and just wants more friends (he has almost no friends).

 

Yesterday he told me that he was going to pick her up at 5:30 in the morning and go on a hike with her in this really secluded area that I really love hiking. I feel really hurt but when I tried to talk about it with him he said that I was being controlling and there was no reason to be jealous and that I just trust him. Since I have been working on my controlling behaviour I feel that there is not much room for me to even suggest he not see her alone.

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Going for a hike in a secluded woods with a woman he has found appealing is not a good idea at all. He's probably lying that she is in a relationship.

 

Are you sure you want to say with your boyfriend, given all of the problems you've had and his willingness to disrespect you by going on a hike with another female? Why aren't you invited to go?

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Are you controlling, though? You sound extremely reasonable and level-headed.

 

What makes you agree with that statement?

 

I think most girls would be upset if their bf was texting a girl they admitted they had a crush on and then went on a solo hike with them in the middle of the woods...

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Going for a hike in a secluded woods with a woman he has found appealing is not a good idea at all. He's probably lying that she is in a relationship.

 

Are you sure you want to say with your boyfriend, given all of the problems you've had and his willingness to disrespect you by going on a hike with another female? Why aren't you invited to go?

 

I have work and he showed me the texts between them where she says she has a boyfriend. She even sent a picture of her and her boyfriend.

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He is crossing relationship boundaries by engaging in an emotional affair. It's up to each individual to not cross those boundaries while exclusive with someone. Why on earth do you think it's controlling on your part to not want your bf pouring emotional energy and time into a woman he's fantasized about leaving you to be with her? Any person with self worth, standards, and reasonable relationship rules would not be okay with this.

 

This other woman has already been thoroughly discussed with you and it's a topic of strife. If he cared about you and maintaining your relationship, he would've chosen the state of your union and given up this "friendship" because it's toxic for the both of you.

 

Instead, his actions of spending time with a woman he has chemistry with speaks louder than his hollow words of "improving my relationship with you."

 

This youthful relationship has run its course and he's showing you that he wants to sow his wild oats before settling down. As for you, he's probably been your only serious relationship. You say he has a temper. Did you know that not all men suffer from this? Have you considered that maybe he is doing you a favor by bringing this relationship to a breaking point so that you can be free to eventually find a guy who is worthy of you and doesn't have a temper?

 

Once you get time and distance away from this starter relationship, you'll probably wonder why you stayed so long. Take care.

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I don't think it's appropriate for him to be going on an early-morning hike with a woman he has a crush on in a secluded area, no. And yes, he does have a crush.

 

But, this isn't about whether you "should" be jealous. It's a question of having reasonable boundaries in a relationship, and behaving with integrity in ways that don't compromise a partner's trust. He isn't doing a good job of that. You can't tell him what to do, but you can assert your own boundary and voice your uneasiness. That is not controlling. It's speaking up for yourself, and stepping back to observe what he does with that information.

 

I think you are going to find that he likes her a lot more than he's admitting and will continue to find ways to spend time with her. It's up to you to decide if you want to stick around for that. Personally, I would not. He's playing with fire and he knows it.

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He said that he wants more friends that have similar interests.

 

In most cases, that would be logical and admirable.

 

However, it's clear that he has more than friendly feelings for this girl. He doesn't have a lot of respect for you if he expects you to just be fine with this idea and believe that this is all platonic.

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>>Me (21F) and my boyfriend (21) have been dating for just over 3 years and have lived together for 1 year.

 

Notwithstanding your "controlling" nature and his manipulative, cheating nature, sweetie you have been with this guy for three years, since you were 18. Based on that alone, chances of this working out are slim to none, emphasis on none.

 

My advice? End it gracefully and enjoy your youth, meet and date other guys, find out what's out there, enjoy your life!

 

Honestly, you don't need this crap and bullshyt in your life, especially at such a young age.

 

I'm so sorry, I know it hurts but you have your entire life ahead of you, wish him well and walk away.

 

Good luck.

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He said that he wants more friends that have similar interests.

 

Fair enough, but since you mentioned you love hiking too, he should have told you to come along. I don’t think this early morning hike thing is appropriate, and it’s pretty disrespectful too, like he doesn’t care you are upset.

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Fair enough, but since you mentioned you love hiking too, he should have told you to come along.

 

- Yup.

 

Its's not controlling to get upset about your boyfriend telling you he likes another girl and going on a date with her. Those are not nice things for him to do.

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Time to lose the bf. How inappropriate to take an early morning hike-which you are not invited to- and excessive texting.

 

A lot of boundaries being pushed. This guy is having an emotional affair. He likes her, and none of this is cool.

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Sorry this is happening. Is this a LDR? When did you live together? Unfortunately it sounds like he's playing head games to goad you. Don't take the bait. Distance yourself from this. He's doing this to puff his ego at your expense. Don't put up with this.

have lived together for 1 year.

About a week ago he met this girl at college who has many common interests with him and he told me a lot about her. He then went on to tell me how somtimes it is appealing to just leave me and start over

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Since control is a hot button issue that you're trying to take responsibility for, he conveniently used it against you so he could misbehave and then try to make you feel guilty for stating your discomfort over his hiking date with a woman he's attracted to.

 

Very convenient.

 

I can't help but wonder how controlling you really are. . or how much of this is about him gas lighting you into believing you are?

 

Since I have been working on my controlling behaviour I feel that there is not much room for me to even suggest he not see her alone.

Relationship boundaries are healthy and control is not. He can't misuse and confuse the two at his convenience.

Or -the two of you don't seem to know the difference.

 

Bottom line, you two seem to bring out the worst in each other.

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He said that he wants more friends that have similar interests.

 

I find your tendency to defend his excuses really interesting, considering you are worried enough about the situation to make a post on this forum.

 

Your boyfriend is going on a date with a woman he outright told you he has feelings for while he is in a relationship with you. I know that is a painful reality to accept, but digging your head in the sand is not a good idea either.

 

You don't have to tolerate his behavior. Whether or not you've been controlling in the past, you do not deserve his accusations regarding this specific situation. Leave him before he monkeybranches to this girl!

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I agree with the other members and your instincts. I don't think this is appropriate behaviour.

 

I'm only wondering what would motivate a person to behave like this. Do you both have other underlying issues (imbalance in finances or one paying or shelling out more than the other/one person more dependent on the other)? What other social pressures are keeping both of you together? Most individuals would be able to recognize and self-correct this type of behaviour because of some conscience. He seems to have pushed through those usual limits and understandings and is going out of his way to prove to him and you that this is not what it appears to be.

 

If you have a history of controlling him or creating too many boundaries, he may be severely desensitized to your thoughts and emotions over time. This is no excuse to stay in an unhealthy relationship. People normally exist in unhealthy relationships because of external forces/pressures or inability to get out or they're doing it because they don't know any better (naive). I think only you know the roots of this dynamic. Whatever both of you are doing to try and correct this, it is not working.

 

Try getting back to yourself and asking yourself what you value in a relationship. Trust? Honesty? Kindness? Respect? Go back to the basic traits of what type of relationship you are looking for. Work outwards and go from there.

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  • 1 month later...

If he's going on a hike with her the appropriate thing for him to do is extend the invitation to you and her boyfriend or one of her friends.

 

I would feel extremely uncomfortable with that. I see this as cheating honestly. I see it as some kind of date, he just met this girl and now he's going on this one on one hike with here to get to know her better? That's a date in my eyes.

 

If he doesn't extend the invitation to you, you need to extend it to yourself and tell him you want to go as well. Don't make a fuss about it, dont drip jealousy while asking if you can go, be genuinely interested.

 

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. If he's being honest with his intentions, you tagging along shouldn't be an issue.

 

And after you have a successful hiking date with him and her, you can always go to the next one too... there is NO excuse why he should he one on one with her. IF ANYTHING, it would be different if she had a friend tag along but there should he no reason they need to be alone and spend one on one time with each other.

 

If they want to talk about their interests over texts, that's cool. But them going off by themselves isn't a good look.

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